Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'

[shabbs]

United we stand.....divided we fall. My love to all of you - a place to remember our precious children and to help each other walking this 'crappy path.'

Morning girls xx

Its not the first time (and it wont be the last) that MNHQ have had to delete messages on this thread - ah well

Morning all.

Lily i know exactly what you mean about meltdowns- i too had a meltdown on Friday. I'd made a silent promise to Ben that i would visit his grave every week and due to things with the older children i hadn't got there in more than a week, so i went on Friday, and i suppose the guilt just made everything i'd been keeping bottled erupt. It wasn't helpful or productive but heck it made me feel better for a bit.

Sending love to all xx

Morning all. I haven't posted much as things are "OK" my end. This time of the year is most normal for me so life is just ticking over. I miss my beautiful DD every day but then that, I am sure, is the same for all of us. I hope each

Oops. I hope each of you take care of yourselves as you do your loved ones. Lily, definitely stay away from the ones that don't help. Cathpip, it was good to hear from you as I have been thinking if you. Theday, I hope you are ok and to all others be kind to yourselves.

Dear friends, I am struck by the sheer courage, grace and honesty here. Especially those of you who are so newly bereaved. I know that you have 'no choice' other than to be how you are, but really, the ways in which each of you are dealing with the loss of your child is very special. I was a total mess the first year after Mia died - it feels like a black hole as I look back. All I know is that you are truly Amazons of the heart, and I send you all love and light. xx

Yesterday was the 32nd 'remember day' (anniversary of his death) for my precious twin boy Gareth.

I feel ashamed to say I forgot.....the first time ever. I was anxious all day to get up to the nursing home to see Mum - I ended up taking my grandson who kept all the residents amused!! Mum was also very anxious and jumpy.

Sat here this afternoon still feeling the same - looked at the date and felt so sad that I had not remembered that little lad.

Forgive me my son - you are always remembered and never forgotten and eternally loved - but I let you down yesterday xxx

Don't be so hard on yourself Shabbs. You had lots on, and the way you felt when you realised speaks volumes, as you said- never forgotten xx

. For you and Gareth Shabbs.

for you Shabbs.

for everybody else. God knows we need it. XXX

......and tomorrow is our Toms 17th birthday - my 'suprise' baby - found out I was having him on my 40th birthday!! It was a massive shock but probably he is the best thing that ever happened to me. Gave me a purpose and a reason to get up every morning.

Happy Birthday Tom. Happy Birthday to you too Shabbs.
lots of love XX

Thank you - glad to say though its not my 58th birthday till December!!! I felt so poorly that I went to see the GP just before my 40th birthday and found out on my birthday that I was having Tom. Spent most of the day crying wondering how the hell I was going to cope with a new baby and my DS1 who was 16 when his little brother came along.....and verrrrry jealous

Wishing Tom a Happy 17th Birthday xxx

Happy birthday Tom.

Morning girls xx

Good morning girls, Have just got home from a fabulous week down South with my sister and dad, a much needed break were I also caught up with old friends who could not get to Pippas funeral. It was also nice to be able to talk to my sisters friends who have been supporting her through this and who also wanted to know all about my little girl, people I don't know but people who have cried with and for me. I am so lucky to have a close relationship with my family and to have so many friends who are happy to chat about Pippa and don't shy away from grief and of course everyone on here for support.

Morning girls xx

Hi everybody.

I'm so glad you had a good week Cathpip. Just what you needed.

I'm getting on with the building in France with my DH working overseas and my DS1 and DS3 in different countries for the moment. We'll all be together for DS2's first anniversary in August. I'm dreading the day but am looking forward to us all being together for a long weekend. It's a time of mixed emotions as I can't wait to see them but I feel so sad and miss DS2 more than ever. I can't believe it's almost a year since we said goodbye. It feels like a lifetime and yesterday all at once. I wonder how do we continue? And yet somehow we manage to keep breathing, we put one foot in front of the other. But for me it's very much like the WH Auden poem "Stop all the clocks".

On a practical note I've got to navigate the hurdle of trying to get more of the ADs I take from my doctor here. I know I got enough from my UK doc but I can't find about two months worth. They're probably somewhere safe! My French is good but it's just something else to worry about.

I couldn't contact DS1 on Sunday and it was DH's birthday. He hadn't called his Dad by the evening and it was the first time ever that he hadn't. I convinced myself he was in a ditch somewhere as I couldn't get hold of his DGF as well. Over-reaction or what! (It turned out he'd been at a seminar all day and hadn't looked at his phone, he'd tried to call in the morning but couldn't get through). Over-reaction. Oh yes!!!

(Sorry this is long - sometimes I lurk, but sometimes I have something to say).

Feeling guilty for enjoying myself, missing my little moomin dreadfully today. We are off to France on Saturday, will be thinking of you and your family Lily.

Morning girls xx

Hi cathpip. I know what you mean about feeling guilty when I find myself laughing at something or enjoying myself. it seems and feels wrong, even though I truly believe that Paddy would not want me to be sad.

Hi ladies, been lurking for a while. I too know what you mean cathpip, even though Ben is always on my mind, i often feel guilty for "carrying on" if that makes sense xx

Afternoon girls xx

I do know that 'guilt' feeling - I remember going to Teneriffe for Xmas just about 8 months after Matt died. Thought that if me and DH took Danny away for Xmas it would be easier. Was doing OK and enjoying the sunshine.....took Danny to the 'kids disco' - the minute the music started the dance floor was swarming with kids - and for a few seconds my eyes scanned every little lad.....when I couldn't see Matt I sobbed and wanted to run and run.

The dreadful guilt that you feel if you laugh, smile, enjoy a film, enjoy the sunshine, splash in the rain or build a snowman.

I promise you that does ease - nowadays I think sometimes 'Oh Gareth & Matt would love that' - the sobbing and running is very rare now. The last time I felt that was when I watched my two sons, my nephew and my brother carrying my Dads coffin into the chapel. Kept thinking they wouldnt have needed two pall bearers to help carry my Dad - they would have had my other two sons.

xxx

That dreadful guilty feeling that if you even think about enjoying something it means that you miss your DS less, or hurt any less.

It doesn't work like that.

for Shabbs.

Just thought this summed us all up really.