Loss, love and lack of support

[Mojito100]

I'm not sure truly where this post should go. It was the anniversary of my daughters passing last week. She has been gone 5 long years which is now longer than she graced me with her presence. It is her birthday next week and as others in this forum would understand I get up and go on each day but underneath I am dead and purely executing the emotions expected if me. I have cried and cried until I think there are no more tears until the next bout come. I madly love my two DS's yet one has such significant behavioural problems I feel completely alone and unsupported. I am a sole parent and the kids have no acces to their father. My family are great but don't understand my ds or all that I try to do to help him. The school do their best yet have an archaic mindset. I needed to vent and didn't know where else to go. It's one of those times I feel so helpless and just want someone to help carry this burden. How do you help those you love to breaking point and love those you have lost so tragically. I know I will get up tomorrow and put on the mask yet how do I go on now when I can't stop the flood of feelings.

[Mojito100]

Lily, how precious that you still have your card from Paddy. The boys and I are going out for breakfast and it will be just us on Sunday. My eldest brother is having a breakfast at his house on Sunday with all the family invited but I am looking forward to just being with the boys and being our small family. Family brings with it pressures and expectations and some days you just want to be you without the pretense and mask. I am declining the family do and will catch up with my mum later in the day.

This year I have told my boys I don't want anything from them and I will appreciate it if one if them makes me a coffee on the day.

I'm looking forward to having a day with no expectations on any of us and for us just to being with each other.

I hope Saturday is manageable for you. The time certainly does go too fast and quite slow all at the same time. I don't remember the smell of my DD but I have incredibly precious memories of her holding my hand at different times and I can still "feel" her hand in mine, or her snuggling with me on the couch etc as well as such clear memories of her voice. I worried terribly that these would fade and am so grateful that 5 years on they are still crystal clear. I hope the same happens for you and your beloved Paddy.

[LilyTheSavage]

I'm glad you've got the day planned how you want it to be. I think it's good to keep some control over your environment and people. The pretence and mask is heavy to carry and sometimes it's just nice to let it go.

I'm very glad you've got your precious memories firmly in place. Keep them there. I'm terrified of losing mine. XXX

[LilyTheSavage]

Got my coffee and thinking of you. Happy Mothers' Day.
and and

[Mojito100]

Thanks lily. All in all a lovely day doing all the things I wanted. I raised my cup to Paddy and all the other precious lost souls. I woke up this morning thinking of my beautiful DD which was a touch sad but also special to just have that quiet time to remember her and everything about her.

[LilyTheSavage]

I thought of you yesterday and am glad you got the day you wanted.... as much as we ever can have the day we want.

Have any of your DCs got exams coming up? How did they manage yesterday?

[Mojito100]

Thought I would post an update. Haven't had tears for a couple of weeks but have tonight. Even though it hurts when I think about my darling DD it does sometimes help relieve some of the pressure when I have a few tears. One minute you're fine and the next wobbly.

Saw a rainbow today which always makes me think of her as my youngest DS said, when he was oh so little and so shortly after she had passed, that it was her coming to visit us. Out if the mouths of babes as they say. Ever since they hold a special place in my heart.

[Mojito100]

Just wanted to post and say DS2 is doing well at school at the moment. He has had some big hurdles over the last couple of weeks and coped very well considering the behavioural challenges he has.

I am feeling a bit raw at the moment. It's just one of those times when the emotions are closer to the surface and it is easier to be set off by little things. I have a lot going on at work and need to be there to support my staff through it, too much to do on a personal front and then the rawness sets in. This is when i find my resilience is low and I can so easily be set off by something so small. It's also the time I need my mask more than ever to help others get through what they need. Keep on keeping on as they say it's all you really can do.

[LilyTheSavage]

Hi Mojito.
I've been thinking about you while I was offline. I'm so glad your DS2 is doing well at school. He's got so much to deal with.

Feeling raw is normal. You've just deserved exactly how I've been feeling too.... thank you for putting it into words for me.

I'll look out for rainbows this morning as it's been raining hard here all night but I've got up to the most beautiful sunny day.

Hugs.

[Mojito100]

Lovely to hear from you lily. We aren't having enough rain here but have had done beautiful rainbows lately. Ds2 had small wobble st school today but picked himself up so all credit for that.

[LilyTheSavage]

Picked himself up? That's brilliant. Well done him. He deserves congratulations for being able to do that.

Enjoy the rainbows. x

[Mojito100]

Needed to unload - resilience is low again. Feel like I need a damn good heartwracking, gut wrenching crying session but just can't seem too. I can feel all the emotions bottled up and the pressure building.

DS2 is doing very well. A few wobbly days at school lately but no extreme violence which he was starting to display. I'm not seeing anything significant in relation to the CBT therapy but still hopeful it will be another piece to the puzzle that helps him regulate himself. He makes me so proud and I burst with love when I even think about him I just wish I could take all his challenges away.

I know I should be proud of how he is doing and all those things but at the moment I'm in the beat up Mojito phase which means I also need to keep unpicking the huge guilt I feel at not being able to save my DD and the underlying issues that all presents.

Low resilience really is a shit place to be as it just enhances all those feelings if inadequacy you have as a person but more importantly as a mum.

[LilyTheSavage]

Hi Mojito.
I thought you might be feeling a bit low as I haven't heard from you for a while. You can't just cry to order can you.

I'm so glad your DS2 is doing so well. It seems as if he's more in control and should really be congratulated for his super efforts. Makes me smile.

Why do you think you should beat yourself up? There's no need for that. You did everything you could and it's just not your fault that you couldn't save your DD. No one would ever blame you at all. I guess you just have to weather this storm which will eventually pass..... just like the others pass. Sending you a big hug. XXX

[Mojito100]

Still feeling low. Not quite so bad as the other day but on edge. I decided to work from home today as I am in a bit of turmoil with work at the moment. I went off and had a peaceful breakfast on my own and tried to put a bit of thinking into my life and therefore prioritise and plan. When I feel so overwhelmed I need to refocus and decide what to do and what not to do. I think it has helped a little bit. I could feel that invisible wall in my head go up when I started to then work through the plan I had to get some concrete detail so I have put it to one side for now. I'll revisit it soon.

I made a decision late yesterday in relation to the kids as I have been so busy at work I haven't been able to focus in them as much as I would like. I decided not to go to my early meeting and take them to their tutor instead. DS2 needs his routine and even though it has only shifted slightly at the moment I can see a few little wobbles in his behaviour.

It's damn hard being a single parent and juggling life but so many out there know that already and some have way more to juggle than me.

I'm not quite back on track but hopefully putting in place some of the things I need to help me.

It's funny how women do beat themselves up so much. It's just the guilt you feel at not being able to protect your child and when you are low this feels enhanced I think. I'm not normally one to carry guilt but at times you can feel like you are failing which then takes me back to the "what ifs" in relation to DD and if I had only just made a different decision she may still be with me today.

[LilyTheSavage]

Prioritising and planning is a good way forward. I hope you've put being gentle to yourself somewhere on that list too.

I think you're doing the right thing taking the kids to their tutor. DS2 is doing soooo well at the moment you need to capitalise on all the good stuff he's been showing and enjoy the moment. There will be blips I'm sure, but just remember how far he's come in the last few months.

Parenthood is the biggest juggling act of all and for what it's worth, I think you're doing brilliantly.

Guilt. That's a whole new conversation. Where would I start? You can't go through your life with "what ifs?" You just can't know what might have happened if you'd done something differently. You just can't know. Nothing is predictable and foreseeable. You can't take into account the randomness and unpredictability of your ex so don't beat yourself up.

Hope you manage a good sleep tonight.

Laters. XX

[Mojito100]

Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh......... Just needed to get that off my chest. 12 weeks we've gone without DS2 being sent home from school, now twice in 3 days he has been sent home. There is no rhyme or reason for it as his routine is the same and nothing significant has occurred that would have shifted him enough to behave this way.

I know I should celebrate 12 weeks but it's hard when I go to that emotional place of feeling like a crappy parent. I know it is emotions and not logic talking but sometimes you just can't escape that.

I haven't lost the plot with him or anything which is a good thing and instead have talked through all the strategies he can use when he is upset. Let's hope he starts using them again.

Psych he is seeing at the moment has stated his emotional responses are that of a 2 year old and for him to progress past these he needs to be responded to in the same way you would a 2 year old. She stated it is clearly linked to the loss of DD and the trauma to him from that time as it occurred when he was 2. In my own way I was happy to hear this as I would like to understand what is his natural personality and what is trauma related.

Hah.... Now that is out I can breathe again.

[LilyTheSavage]

aaaaahhhhhhhh! Nooooooo! It's only a little blip and was only to be expected. Look on it as not so bad in the bigger picture. He'd been doing so well. Just celebrate that and remind him how great it was when he was more level. It's hard. Well done for keeping calm.

It's good that the psych can identify the whys and wherefores of DS2's responses and it gives you (and him) an understanding of why he reacts as he does. Hopefully he'll grow/move on from it.

Hang in there. He's lucky to have you.
XXX

[Mojito100]

Thanks lily. Feeling a bit down at the moment. DS2 has had a bad week all together and couldn't go to school today. He is doing do much better than previous years so things are getting better.

Just feeling a little overwhelmed with everything at the moment and that makes the loss of my girl that little bit harder to bear. I think part of it is not having any time or space for anyone or anything other than DS2 when he is in this state and when you get a moment to yourself the feelings sneak up on you.

2 more weeks until school holidays here. He needs the down time so I hope he can hang on until then.

[LilyTheSavage]

Hi Mojito.

Sorry to hear that DS2 has had a bad week. Maybe keeping him home for a few days cosseting and cuddling will help. This is still only one week and just look where you were a year ago with him. Hang in there.

I'm sorry you're feeling overwhelmed. Me too. I agree about having time and space to think being dangerous. Feelings do sneak up and overwhelm you.

Hang on for the holidays. Hope you've got some nice times planned for you all. xx

[Mojito100]

Not feeling quite so overwhelmed at the moment so can stand back and recognise how well DS2 has done so far. Yes, it was a big blip last week but he went to school on Monday and had his chat with the principal and has gotten on with things. This is another milestone as normally the first day back and chat results in another tantrum and being sent home. I thought we might have an issue today as he did not sleep well last night at all but so far so good. It's winter here so there are bugs galore going around.

Nothing planned for the holidays except work which remains full on.

Having a few tears at the moment in relation to DD but that is good in its own way as releases some of the tension.

[LilyTheSavage]

That's really positive. He's doing so well. The times between his blips are getting longer and he seems to be dealing with the blips better. Big well done to DS2 dealing with the chat from the principal.

Tears are good sometimes.
Sending you a hug. I've just made coffee. Here's one for you!

[Mojito100]

Thought I would report that after DS2's horrendous week where his behaviour reverted he is back on track. I have hope the CBT therapy is working as he told me one time about a funny feeling in his tummy which for him is a huge thing. He has never been able to differentiate or understand feelings which is one of the reasons he then acts out as he mentally can't understand them. I also got his mid year report and for a child who was getting D's on nearly everything he has moved to B's on all with an A in maths. He got a C for art and sport but they are so not important.

I haven't been quite so down emotionally over loss of DD but do expect that to change in a few months. October to March become very difficult for me. I miss her everyday but my dips in emotion are slightly more level at the moment.

[LilyTheSavage]

Hey Mojito.
I've been watching and waiting for a report on how DS2's getting on. I'm so pleased for you that he's making such great progress, and huge congratulations on his report. That's just brilliant. Recognising feeling is also a big milestone for him as well.

I'm really glad for you that you're feeling a bit more level. Reading all those lovely positives in your thread really made me for you. I think of you often.

[Mojito100]

Thanks lily. I think of you often too.

[LilyTheSavage]

for Mojito.

Hope you're all ok. xx

[Mojito100]

All in all things have been as good as they can be over the last month. Just having a slight dip at the moment as missing DD but not as bad as some times. DS2 went back to school and has now been suspended for 2 days due to atrocious behaviour. It was only his second day at school after holidays. I just don't know what to do as there is no miracle cure. If he could manage his behaviours his world would be do much easier.