Support thread for anyone who has lost a parent (4)

[mummylin2495]

Here is our new home hope it's as comfy as the last one

mouseface and ImNotCute, your both very welcome here, this isnt a cliquey thread where we like to keep everything secret and hush hush, we all know here how devastating and lonely grief is, and how hard it is to put on the "face" to everyone else when you're breaking down inside...we've all found it lonely and wearying and we've all ranted and moaned and broken down here (or is that just me )....but, we can also raise a smile out of the depths of despair, because we all know, as mummylin said, as we hurt so much and pine for our loved ones from our very soul, we only do this because we loved them so much, and in the end this is a good thing, even if it hurts us so badly just now.

we're not alone girls, even as we all sit at home or at work reading this, usually by ourselves, we're not alone xxx

Hello all, how is everyone doing?

Mouseface Your pain is tangible in your posts- and so much I can relate to in what you've said.

I'mnotcute I know so well what you mean by 'lonely and set apart'. I feel lonely a lot- especially on the school run, funnily enough!

I have a brother who I'm very close to, but even so, I still sometimes feel alone in my grief. I think, no matter how close we are to those others left behind, that our grief is unique to us because our relationship with the lost person was unique. My brother had a quite different relationship to our parents to the one that I have, I guess.

mummy You're so great to keep this thread going along with your positivity and hope. How is your back doing today? I have had problems with sciatic pain too (DS is entirely to blame- he was a big baby and I'm a small person!)

I can relate to what some of you have said re unwelcome images of your dying/deceased parent. I have been haunted at times by the memories of my parents as they died. For me, those memories are fading now- and
I hope that will be the case for you all. I also think perhaps I was 'lucky' in that my parents' deaths were slow and peaceful, and were expected. I don't imagine those images have the same impact as seeing someone die suddenly and unexpectedly. Some of you have witnessed more dramatic deaths and those memories are bound to cause trauma to some degree. :(

I am finding it hard to manage at the moment. I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of a very deep, dark wood, a long way from anywhere or anyone. I feel that there is nothing in life to look forward to anymore. I know this will get better over time, but I don't have much patience to wait for that! I have become quite reclusive and very unsociable (more so than usual!) I am spend a lot of time pottering around the house and avoiding phone-calls etc. this is what makes me feel safe for now, but I know I can't do this forever.

Morning everyone,

mouseface no reason at all to feel embarrassed, its still no time at all and with all those birthdays its bound to make it all the more difficult. Even 6 years on I sometimes play my mums death over in my mind, its so intense, sometimes actual physical pain like a piercing headache. It nearly alway happens at night and then I cant sleep until I finally pass out in the early hours. I hope you feel better this morning, a new day is often a great healer.

Imnotcute its so hard going back to normaility isnt it? Don't worry about not talking to anyone, I would have done the same. Let everyone get over the post xmas chat and then maybe it'll be a bit easier. After my mums funeral, I had to go back to uni as was doing final year of a degree, I was 25, so all my housemates were a few years younger and because I'd been coming home as much as possible while mum had been ill I didnt really know any of them. I'm not sure they even knew what was going on, I cant even remember their names, its like my brain has blocked any memory of that time. I just didnt want to talk to anyone and I'd never felt so alone, wanted to be home with dad and my close friends :( looking back I dont know how I got through that year, just went into autopilot I think. You just do what ever gets you through the early days.

Do you normally send a valentines card from your children? If so then I would say to do it but if not then I would worry that its drawing more attention to it. But then I dont know your dad, he might really appreciate the thought :) sorry not very helpful answer really!

No mummylin it hasn't come up yet, DP has been so busy but I think I'll talk to him about it at the weekend, I suspect he already knows I wont be keen as he has seen how much I've struggled over xmas and new year. I'm sure she will understand, I'm not sure she has ever been told that her birthday is the same day, but I think I will ask DP to tell her.
Am in awe at how you manage to keep up with everything on this thread by the way

waterlego how long have you been feeling like this? I really don't think the winter helps either when you feel low :(

I too am not as sociable asi used to be, I just have no enthusiasm for going out and having inane chitchat. And all dh wants to do is go to the pub. But as I have said before I am lucky and have a close family who I see a lot of. I have been out a few times to see a show or something with my dd or for a meal with my siblings ( which we do weekly as mum started the tradition so we continue it ) on Fridays my lost sisters dd comes over and we go off to meet two of my brothers and a sis in law and we all have a two hour breakfast ! I am sociable in the day , but don't really want to go out at night. I would rather be on MN !!!
But this house is the meeting place for everyone so it's like padding ton station everyday, I never know who will arrive or how many . But I like that . Other times I'm just a misery guts !
But to change the subject just a heads up that I think Boots will be having their super sale on the 16th jan. they don't announce it until the morning but things are normally only 25% of normal cost. So look out for it, last year I got some £35 sets reduced to £8.25 I got 5 and kept them for Xmas. This year I intend to get there early in the day and bag as much as possible !!! You have all been told! If you know anyone who works in boots ask them if they know exactly which date it is, too good to miss. ( now we are a shopping thread )

It may be on 15th which I think is next Wednesday. !

Wow Lin I remember you telling us about boots last year! Just goes to show how long we've been chatting!! I'm going to remember it this time!!

Mummylin - thanks for asking after me. I am ok today. I have been to my first exercise class this year (Zumba) and have picked my daughter up from her first school trip - 2 days away - so I am on a high having her back. I know every parent is protective and worries about their DC but I do wonder if I am even more so because of my losses. I get terribly anxious about their health and mine and feel v unsettled when they are not around.

Imnotcute - I understand how you feel. It's the first Xmas without my sister (as well as mum and dad) and it's been bloody hard. I've been asked loads of times did I have a nice Xmas - I just give the expected standard 'yes thanks' cos I don't want to engage with them about it!!

Mouse face - please don't feel embarrassed about having a rant. I cd feel your pain in every word and just hope it gives you a tiny iota of comfort to get things written down and acknowledged.

Hugs to every

Oops - bloody phone! Meant to say hugs to everyone else going through this painful process.

ooh shall we shop i went to zumba today!!! Wonder if we were at the same?! now this wouldnt be all that strange if so as i and someone else on the thread live in the same town!! I love zumba!! It was hard work today though but i guess at least i know it worked!

ahhh youngest is away for the evening at a party which is great!
trying to veer off my sad ol thoughts today its over whelming me though trudging through.

Thinking of you all x

super stay in touch, ill be on pm still. Hope your isp gets sorted asap!! x

Hello everyone.

I've done quite a few niggly jobs today and then went to physio. They can't see me on a long term basis as the NHS no longer pay for more than 6/10 max physio sessions and long term Hydrotherapy sessions so I'm going to have to go back to my GP and ask his advice;do we go private or do we stay with the every 6/10 weeks, a new referral goes in?

My physio is very 'it's up to you to make yourself better' 'Mind over matter, pain is in the mind' and I've tried acupuncture, which helped for a while but then when that stopped, I went right back to where I was.

When you're in constant pain, with a disabled toddler to lift, and care for, and whose needs change daily, if not more, then there's no way of knowing what your day is going to bring. I'm up in the night with him, in his bed which hurts so much, I often get stuck on one side too.....

Thank you all for your kind words and for understanding. Of course you do.

When does it become 'real'? It doesn't feel real because we don't live near to where mum and dad do, did. It's still as if we've just not called for a while and I'm waiting for a text or call from her any day. Grief is so cruel.

Reading all of your posts really do help though, knowing that I'm not alone is helping. I wish I could put how I feel into better words, articulate my feelings more but I just feel so many mixed emotions, regrets, 'ifs' 'buts' etc....

Last night, I slept in with Nemo as he was really unsettled. I lay next to him just holding him as close to me as I could. He kept turning to face me to say 'I love you mummy'

Silent tears came from my eyes as I held his little body. He's so small for his age (5 in may, in 2/3 yr clothes) so cuddles are always so lovely because he wriggles into my stomach and we 'fit' just right. :)

I'm so glad I found this thread, but sorry there is a need for one and for all of the pain you are all going through. xxx

Mouseface - when does it become real? I think it is a longer process when you are not used to seeing someone every day/week. My parents and sister all lived about 45 miles away - not that far but, with 2 young kids, I probably saw them monthly though we spoke on the phone regularly. For the first few months after each loss, I spent a period in denial and was able to kid myself that they were still around, carrying on their usual day to day stuff. I found it harder as time went on because it struck me how much I missed them and I couldn't just hop in the car/pick up the phone. Gradually the reality kicks in ...

Unfortunately, just as I got to the stage recently where I physically ached for my sister, everyone else seemed to think I was over the worst and doing fine - how wrong they were/are!!

Sorry, I know my words are probably not comforting at all but then no words will be. However, they are full of understanding for what you are experiencing.

Bless your sweet little boy. X

that sounds lovely mouseface, I love getting cuddles though they are few and far between as my 2 are older!

Nemo sounds amazing :)
I love snuggles with my dc too.
I have said it before - and indeed it was used in my dads eulogy - that grief is the price we pay for love.
And at times it seems to high a price x

I'm at my dads! checking back in before I go home can catch me on pm if anyone wants a rant/ chat. nemo sounds lovely and a joy to be with. things much better at home now will see I guess

Hi all :)

Shall - thank you for being so honest and candid. Sharing your grief with me. I know what you mean about the time thing, there is no time scale is there, to grief, no cut off point.

Do you mind me asking, did you lose your parents and sister? All three of them? You don't have to answer now, I'm signing off for the night but I don't want to put my Mousey paw in it and upset you by being insensitive xxx

Mario - I hope that things are better for you sweetie :) x

Bavoc - Nemo is amazing, if you go onto my profile, you'll see him. He's been through so much, so very much. He is super tired at the end of his first week back after Christmas.

I spoke to Dad tonight, he was glad that we didn't talk last night because (like me) he would've just snivelled down the phone at me.

We text one another and spoke for ages earlier. I love his resolve to keep going, for Mum, for us (his children) and for HIMSELF :)

Anyway, I need to scoot.

Thank you so much for all of today and yesterday.

Lots of love to you all, I hope that sleep is easy to achieve tonight for each of you, I know that going to sleep is okay for me, staying asleep and nightmare free is another story.

Goodnight all xxx

Hi mouseface - i hope you had a good nights sleep. Yes, I have lost my parents and my only sister (no brothers). My mum died in 2006 when I was 2 months pregnant with my son, my dad died in April 2012 and my sister died on 15th August last year - pretty shit really! Feels unreal writing it down like its not really about my life.

Your dad sounds lovely.

It's two years today since my mum died How can that be? How can two whole years have passed without her? It's so long since I heard her voice. I've been going over and over things this last week, struggling to sleep when thoughts won't get out of my head. Next weekend will be one year since my dad died, tough times

mummylin thanks for thinking of me. I hope your back is getting better now. I can sympathise with you there as I bruised my coccyx last Summer, it was bloody agony!

Hi to everyone else, {hugs} if needed xx

Biscuits sending you a big hug on this sad day ((())). Losing both parents in such a short time is very tough and at the same time of year - so sorry. If you want to tell us anything more about your parents we are here to listen. I too have lost both so understand.

Oh biscuits it's such a horrid feeling isn't it, sending you a big hug.
Back a lot better today. Beginning to ache now for the first time today, will stick my tens machine on now.
Love to you all, hope the weekend is bearable for everyone.
Lots going wrong my end this weekend , but not directly in my own family as such.

Biscuits huge hugs to you. I know the feeling well. Holding you hand Hun and I've pmd you. My thoughts are with you and your family xx

Hi to everyone else, hope going along not too bad. Hugs if needed! X

Good morning all, I am off to the crem today to collect all the Xmas bits and pieces before the council decides to clear them. It's a dry day here but very dark and miserable, almost suits my mood ATM. Hope you are all getting through as best you can at this awful time in your lives.

Biscuits and T my sister will be here on 22nd which happens to be her birthday, she is thrilled but it does mean I won't now ever be in your area ! Would of been good to meet up.

Oh Lin sending a big ol hug. Hope you start to feel a little better soon. Thinking of you going to the crem I took the Christmas bits back straightaway as our stuff there gets cleared quickly as my mum has only got a plaque and you can put flowers there but they clear them a few days after.

Oh I know would have been great to get together with you. Could poss get to b water can u get there it are you hours away? Pleased for you though your sister will be there for you. Would have been great to meet you in r l x