Support thread for anyone who has lost a parent (4)

[mummylin2495]

Here is our new home hope it's as comfy as the last one

Hello all

Sorry to not have been here much, life has been pretty shite.

Today is my Dad's Birthday and I know that he is struggling, or will be. He will be so sad, yet another first to get over so quickly - Christmas, NY and now his Birthday.

No card from mum, no gifts, no loving words spoken, no nice meal..... I don;t know what his plans are. It's so sad. Really sad.

I've not read back but I'm sending you all love and strength.

Right, time to go out, alone for the first time in ages. Bit wobbly but I have to do it. I honestly don't think that it's hit me yet..... not really.

Be back later xxx

This really is a heartbreaking thread, but at the same time it is so comforting. I have said many times, without having people on this thread to talk to I think I would of been in the pits of despair. But going by this web site, there are also so many people who didnt have the relationship with their mum / dad that we have had, so in a way we are very very lucky. I find it upsetting when I read some of the titles on here eg " I want to disown my parent " I think to myself they have a choice to see them, we don't. And I know that each and every one of us on this thread would give anything just to have 5 more minutes with our loved ones. It's all heartbreaking. And remember this. The price we pay for love is grief. We obviously have all loved , a lot

Mummylin - very true words and again, quite comforting. The depth of our love is indeed reflected in the depth of our grief and our happy memories will hopefully help us through the dark times.

Yes I hope that will eventually happen for us all. It makes you wonder how people who have no- one and nowhere to go , what on earth do they do. In some ways we are the lucky ones, we have all felt the love from parents and of course siblings. My sister died at 26yrs old she has now been dead nearly as long as she lived. Her daughter who was 2 at the time is the double of her, and has lots f her ways, the sad thing is she has no recollection of her mum at all.that was a terrible time for all of us, but over the years we can talk about her without feeling the pain, and hopefully eventually it will be the same with my mum. But for now the grieving continues for my lovely mum, who loved us all dearly and was loved so much in return.
We all miss and love you Mum xx

That's so sad about your sister - so young . My sister was 54 and of course I feel that was far too young. So sorry about your mum too - sending big hugs (((()))).

Hi mummylin, no i haven't namechanged, just joined this thread a bit after xmas but haven't posted as much as I'd like but I've lurked. Just havent had the emotional energy to actually write much if that makes sense? But it is a comfort to have a place where we are all going through similar feelings.
So sorry that you lost your sister so young. Its very hard to talk about those we've lost. I often feel huge guilt that we don't speak about mum very much, I hope it gets better with time.

Your poor Dad mouseface I always wonder how my dad feels on his birthday, no one there to wish him a happy birthday when he wakes up, breakfast alone. My sister lives very close but she may as well be a hundred miles away :( but I wont go into all that now.
Are you going to call or see your dad today?

Oh Mouse face it is indeed so very very hard when its their birthday, i cant and never would even try and take my mums place but in my mind i fly the flag for me and my mum, i rang my dad practically as soon as he woke to say happy birthday which by then of course he had had the void of rolling over and no one there god that was hard to swallow writing that. but we did still do a small celebration for him but it was 3 months after losing my mums so there was a lot of tears and mixed emotions. I know my mum would want me to make sure he had a good one but it killed in the process. Hope the day goes the best it can.

This is so true about our love, and it also winds me up when i read things, there was a girl at work moaning about her mum calling all the time and looking out for her..i couldnt help it i said dont knock it my god you miss it when it abruptly comes to an end. She soon shut up, sometimes you cant help it can you, she knew id lost my mum some people can be so insensitive.

Thinking of everyone on the thread and sending hugs if needed xx

cold tea and shall we shop thinking of you. we here anytime x

mummylin hows your back today?

Thank you t875, know exactly what you mean, some people just don't think, they don't mean to hurt anyone but I don't think it does any harm to remind them how lucky they are. The saying, you don't know what you've got til its gone is so true. I have a very good friend, we both have our babies at the same time and she moans about her mum sometimes which I find hard, oh what I'd give to be spending my maternity leave going shopping and having a cuppa with my mum like she gets to with hers.

Back still hurting but my sister posted my tens machine back and I have recieved it today. Haven't used it properly yet as when I did try it the batteries ran out ! But being cautious when doing anything, but it's not serious and think will soon be better ( I hope )

ColdTea and t875

Thank you both for your replies....

I had a bit of a 'difficult' relationship with my mum, I was and still am very indepedant and when we moved out of the area to where we are now over five years ago, my Mum hated me.

She was devastated. In her eyes, she was losing her first Grandaughter, Daughter and future Grandchild (I was PG with Nemo when we moved) but we couldn't afford to move to a larger house with the money we had in the area we were in.

So, we up sticks and moved to a lovely little rural village and we're extremely happy. My Dad can see it, he saw it before we moved here, we showed them the house (PROJECT!!!) and he knew that we were doing the right thing.

He's my Stepdad actually, (my sperm donor fucked off when I was 2 to shag a girl of 15 who he is still with now, with his new shiny life, twat) - sorry, that just popped into my head, but to me he's my hero. Absolutely my hero. He has been my rock through thick and thin. I can't bear the thought of him waking to that void this morning.

I have been sneaking off for a little cry all day. I feel so sad and I can't get the image out of my Mum, lying there, dead out of my head.

I can't shift it. I can't and it's crushing me. I don't want to close my eyes anymore because I see her. I see her die again, again and again.

We're going to see Dad at the weekend, for the joint B/Day party (me on Tuesday) and I know I'm going to cry. It's only the closest of family.

I miss Mum so much. I can feel her here, it's all so raw, on January 23rd my Mum will have been dead, cold and gone for 2 months.

Gone.

I'm sinking tonight, really low. Sorry to be needy.

Welcome to January - big hugs to you xxx

Why does it hurt so much? Why does it ache, why does death want me to suffer? Feel selfish?

Stupid.

Stupid and selfish.

mummylin - I use a TENS for my pain, as well as morphine, diazepam for spasms and lots more besides.... can I ask what is wrong with your back?

I have Degenerative Disc Disease, Herniated Discs, and Facet Joint Syndrome.... and today is a bad day because of a wasted journey to Manchester Children's Hospital yesterday.

3 hour round trip, too much housework and I can't clean but the house needs it.

I'm too sad to frickin clean. Or anything and then I nest and go mad, end up in agony.

I hate this limbo.

I hate this sadness.

Sorry

Mouseface - my heart goes out to you. I know what you mean about replaying 'the end' in your head. I have done this and have to force myself to try and focus on a happier memory/image.

The whole finality of it all is something I struggle with hugely - how can they be gone? Where are they? I look for and long for a sign, a hint that they are still there somewhere/somehow - they must be, i am convinced. It will hurt and ache and you must cry and let it out.

Sending you hugs, strength and understanding.

Shall - thank you for replying.

I feel such a void tonight, today, maybe because it's Dad's birthday and mine on Tuesday and Mum's dad's (Grandads') in 2 days, it's all so utterly fucked up! I can't bear it. The pain.

I've just been upstairs to look for some water colour pencils and found my photo album, it has pics of my gorgeous, healthy Mum in, dancing - she was a Nolan sister and we were dancing to 'I'm in the mood for dancing' on my hen night - REALLY! There are, were, four of them, and my uncle D who hated being linked to the Nolan sisters did a beautiful reading at the funeral. (Not the popstars, you see! :)

But still, she is dancing the night away, smiling and happy. No pain, no drugs, no disabilities. Laughing, and so unaware of her fate. I wish I could rewind time and show her now, show her that she had to stop smoking - "her only vice"

I found it and came down and cried my heart out to DH.

DH said I should stop talking to people about it, reading threads like this, it's just upsetting me. ???

Well, erm, it's NOT! It's helping because YOU ALL KNOW HOW I FEEL.

Tears, warm tears streaming down my face.............. thinking of my Mum. My lovely Mum who I never really got to say goodbye to...

We got there in time, but in not enough time IYSWIM?

I had weeks, months of things to tell her.

I'm going now before I get anymore upset. Sorry for hogging the thread tonight.

And thank you for all caring. xxx

He's gone to bed, I'm fuming.

Sorry to be so needy.

I'll be back tomorrow. Sorry xxx

Oh mouse face its unbelievably raw as hell isn't it. God I remember it well. Even though I have my belief of her around me the times that over ruled me with the horrendous sadness I felt missing her.

Come to us every time you feel like this.

Oh mouse face its unbelievably raw as hell isn't it. God I remember it well. Even though I have my belief of her around me the times that over ruled me with the horrendous sadness I felt missing her.

Mummylin hope the tens machine works and hubby is still looking after you

Wobbly day for me today god i miss my mum. One of them days where the spiritual side doesn't help me it can over rule that huge void I am feeling at the moment.

Shall we shop that was the hardest for me. Where's she gone the panic and shock and how scared I was for my mum. You will get a sign you might not straight away but ask for a sign. I was told my mum was ok and with my g dad and my nan her mum and dad. But that was hard to swallow. This helps some says but then others I want her here physically and miss her loads.
Lots of love to all.
Biscuits, ssd, badvoc, waterlego, super, crazykat, friend of Dorothy and anyone I've missed
Thinking of you all.

Sorry I'm not quite sure what happened I think my post doubled up. And mouse face dont be sorry for nothing we are here to listen xx

Oh mouseface how can we comfort you. I too used to go over and over the last minutes of mums life and its just awful. How could my mum be dead, she was still warm in the hospital bed and just looked like my mum. It just broke my heart. It took a while for this awful feeling to diminish. The next thing was the hatred and anger I felt towards the hospital. In my mind they killed her because when I had phoned the hospital only an hour and a half before they told me she was fine, which I imparted to all my siblings. Then all of a sudden she had died. I was convinced they killed her and I then had that in my mind too. I combed her hair and talked to her. Praying she would answer me, but of course she didnt. You are not alone in your thoughts mouseface and you have my utmost sympathy for what you are going through. Your DH is wrong, you need to be able to talk things through. Our mums are all dancing freely now mouseface, no illness and no pain. I hope you will cope with the birthdays. Your stepdad sounds wonderful.

On a different note, I had a collapsed disc several years ago and from then on I have have suffered from sciatica. Not all the time, but now and again just like you mentioned my back goes into a spasm and its painful. I just coughed whilst sat on the loo and felt something go. The last time I has to phone dh to come home as I couldn't move ! But it is not too bad m still aches today but I think will soon be gone. I have co drydomol for pain and am taking diclofenac for any inflammation .

Thinking of everyone tonight and feeling their sorrow, and no dh has resigned his post of nurse, lasted one whole day ! Thanks a bunch.

Mouse...I know. I know.
I keep seeing my beloved dad lying on the floor of the hotel room as my dh and I tried frantically to save him.
I see my mother collapsed on the corridor outside being taken care of
By hotel staff.
I see the pitying looks on the face of the paramedics and drs.
Some days it is crippling and I feel I will never recover.
If any even remember the last thing I said to him...it was something like "see you in a minute"...
I don't have any answers for you my darling, but we do understand. We know.
Love to all x

havent read through the threads as got to be quick but can see lots of new posts. we are here for you and understand that some days are just shit for no special reason just because they are, we will be here to talk , rant , share stories we would of told our parents. my internet connection has been cut off now from old provider and new provider router isn't here so I won't be on for long or I'll beast my mobile data but I'll keep checking in.

I seem to live in my head going through my memories, its amazing what triggers them.

love to you all xx

Morning all................

Having read back from last night I feel rather about my random ranting and waffling. I didn't think that my emotions, or emotions in general, could affect me so much.

(I should explain that when I said about my mum being a Nolan, that was her maiden name, and she was the eldest of four sisters :) )

Tomorrow, my Grandad turns another year older, Mum's Dad, and he has had to watch his 59 yr old DD die. How must he feel? Living his life for as long as he has and then facing his Birthday tomorrow? Knowing his first born will never face another?

It's all so hard when it seems to be one thing after another isn't it? Memories, triggers, events, expectations, the unknown too.....

I'm glad this thread is here, I doubt I'd have gotten through last night without somewhere to empty my head, sorry that I was so random. Grief appears to be making me like that.....

Hugs to you all today.

I'm going back to bed now that Nemo is at school. I have physio later and I just can't face getting dressed yet. More sleep may help, then up and out?

Plus a few jobs to do later on, try to keep busy....

Thank you all for being so kind to me xxx

Hi all, I did the school run today for the 1st time since mum died, I felt so lonely and set apart from everyone else, due to this awful thing that has happened. I didn't make the effort to speak to anyone as couldn't face it and didn't want anyone to realise it was first time they'd seen me this term and ask if I had a nice Christmas (NO!)

We still haven't had the funeral, due to the delay caused by post mortem. It is next Tuesday and everything is organised now.

mouseface- sorry you're struggling, I realised from your post last night your mum died exactly a month before mine. I am also thinking about a string of significant dates in the not too distant future (valentines day, mum's birthday and mothers day are all quite close together).

Do you think it's ok to send dad a valentines card from my kids? There'll be no card from mum this year

Hope you all have an ok day, thanks for letting me join you here x

I found I felt worse when I was tired. Glad your feeling a little better today mouse

Hi to everyone else! I'm off to Zumba!! Don't mind it, hard work but ok. I love dancing anyway used to do ball room and Latin American dancing.

Least the suns out here today! So nice to see blue sky yesterday and today!
Hope you back is better ASAP mummylin

X

Glad. You find the thread helpful mouseface we can't take away people's pain on here, but we can offer empathy and support in bucket loads. It is not good just to let things build up inside you. And I think it's helpful to be able to express how we feel. Glad you have a couple of things to do today to occupy your mind a bit.
badvoc hope you are feeling ok.? D you have to go back to hospital ?
t looks the move is now going to be in the next couple of weeks so I def won't be up your way now
SP that's a nuisance about your Internet. Long as you have access now and again to keep in touch.wont be too ,long and you will be able to start getting your mums little remembrance garden ready for the spring / summer.
waterlego how are you doing now ?
imnotcute hope you are managing to cope ok
ssd as ever you know you have my upmost sympathies for what you have been through and the upsets your family have caused you.
shallwe how are things with you today. You have also had a lt of sadness and of course it's not that long since you lost your sibling, I get very frightened by this as I still have 4 more siblings , I can't bear the thought that one day another one will go, then another etc. the thought is unbearable and t troubles me. A lot.
january I hope that you will now be able to come to terms over your loss from all those years ago. It's almost like you are suffering from delayed grief. But it's best to let it out of our system and not let it intrude into nay more of your life. You were so young when it first happened, and as I said before it may be that being young you didn't dwell on t too much at the time, but now you are adult it's surfacing again. Have you decided wether you want to see a counsellor yet ?
coldtea have you decided what you will be doing about the birthdays yet ? Whatever you can do that suits you best is the answer,
biscuits thinking of you too, hope you are doing ok.
To every one on this thread I wish that you and I will find peace and acceptance of some sort this year.