Support thread for anyone who has lost a parent (4)

[mummylin2495]

Here is our new home hope it's as comfy as the last one

dreading it. agree badvoc, it gets harder

sorry, namechanged (kiki) x

Way...it is, yes. It's a Set meal I think...the usual Xmas fayre. My siblings are looking forward to it.
Lin...thank you.
My aunt is supposed to be going to my cousins on Xmas day, but...for the first time today she said she doesn't think she will be able to :(
It's so hard. My heart is so broken and yet I have to try and be "normal" for the dc.
My cousin sounds terrible :( she watched her dad (my uncle) die of cancer and now her mum too. Feel so sorry for her.
Got very tearful at the nativity this afternoon. Ds2 was a Shepard :) he sang very well.
Just feel so...bereft. I am trying...I am listening to Xmas music, will be going to the celebration assembly at school tomorrow, but I am faking it.
Just hope I can hold it together til after Boxing Day..
Love to all x

badvocyou don't have to be brave all the time, you are still grieving and you must allow yourself to do this. I know you want others to think your happy but it's also ok for your children to know that now and then mum is missing her dad and feels sad sometimes

Badvoc I'm with Lin you have gotta go with how you feel. It's not gonna be easy and I'f the children see you wobble they will be there for you to support you and understand. I had my 9 year old just come up and hug me behind me or give me a tissue. Eldest will give me a big ol hug! They will understand.

Lin how lovely reading about your mince pies for your kings. It's special to keep up the traditions! I still do the tree presents I know she would like me to so it. I know though I can't get as good a stuff as my mum though! She had the knack for that and I bet she loves know that 2!

Yeah did have laughs too. We played head banz sadness too. Like u said though gotta be done isn't it. Dinner was worse hated that!!

Biscuits thinking of you along with ssd have a great time away biscuits. I know will be hard too but I hope you make good memories xx

Nice to see you super too! Sounds like you've been busy, we've gone a bit mad too! I keep forgetting what I've got!! x

I can't sleep.
I am not really sure that I have even started grieving for dad yet...after he died there was so much to do, so much to sort out, mum to look after...paperwork, the funeral, all of it.
I wonder when it starts to ease?
The pain, the anger, the desolation?
Because I don't think I can bear it. Seems silly to say you can't bear something that you have to bear, but that's how I feel.

I also felt like you badvoc but the reality is that we have to learn to cope. It has been the most heartbreaking thing ever to happen as far as I'm concerned. I will never ever recover and be how I was, BUT I still want to live a life not just have an existence. It is only months fr you. Badvoc, I think the minimum time to feel a bit better is about a year, then things get a bit easier once again. Don't put too much pressure on yourself, just cope with each day as it comes along

Yes.
I keep telling myself that...it's not been that long, but I just want time to fast forward iyswim? To skip it. The whole thing.
And then I feel so guilty...dad deserves my grief. And my dc don't deserve me to be wishing their life away :(
And - I really think - that grief does serve a purpose and that we can't "move on" (awful phrase, sorry) unless we have grieved.
But it's an ugly business isn't it?

Yes it is badvoc and it's all very sad. Your right. We all have to grieve. Can you imagine what a state we would all be in if we buried it all inside. It would be unbearable for us and other around us . Grieving is a natural process and we can't avoid it sadly

Hmmm...I do wonder if part of the issue is societal.
We are so "removed" from death now. Overt grief is frowned upon. There is a real sense of "you should be over it by now" and that you just have to "get on with it"
Compare that with years ago...people wore black armbands, they weren't expected to just carry on as normal. There were prescribed periods for mourning...people were kinder to the bereaved back then I think.
Anyway....I am starting to ramble!! :) off to bed...sleep well Lin x

You too badvoc, night

Nobody knows what we grieve and feel I think unless they have lost someone significant in their lives. I've had a few friends that have understood without them losing someone then the other friends who actually weren't friends and your the elephant in the room!
Lins right still early days for me it's taken few months over a year for it to be easier but the first year very very hard.
If you get bad days you can talk to us but also cruse generic help line.
Hope your feeling a little better today. X

To add though I still get very hard days though where the sadness and void of her gone is too much for me. My spiritual belief of believing she is still with me helps a little and I take comfort from what messages signs I get. Although theta not enough some days! X

hi girls

noname, am sending sympathy to your ds, what awful news, he must be reeling. And I cant even imagine what his friends family are going through

have got loads to write but I dont know where to start. Whilst there is an awful lot of support from this thread, sometimes I just feel so detached from it. That's just me and my situation..its no one else, or nothing else. I feel, and I've always felt from the moment mum died, that I'm grieving her alone. Theres been no one to share it with, who feels any way like I do. I mean literally. I've kept it within me and thats the only way I can deal with it. Sometimes reading the posts here about remaining mums/dads or siblings around makes me feel worse. I dont want to hurt anyone or have anyone not feel they can mention their families, thats the last thing I'd want. I just hurts to read it all, yet its perfectly normal to have family around still. Its my situation that doesn't feel normal. I've been to cruse and they helped get it out, some of it, but I feel this is so deep inside me its just the way I am. Like purplepillow I cared for mum for years, just me, and I've got a lot of healing to do just to reconcile with these years before she died, never mind what happened after the death. I think time is the only answer, I feel I'm waiting for the rest of the world to catch up with me. When my kids were young, my friends and cousins had mums who helped out, drove over to visit, joined in, my dad had just died and I became my mums mum gradually. I learned to keep it all to myself, watching what went on when mum was in a wheelchair and had a lot of issues. Siblings never got involved, it was easier that way, for them, not to bother and to leave it all to me. I started the elderly parents section here as I had no one to discuss it with, my friends would be like "oh my mum hardly goes out either", then I'd see them shopping in town together..the mum walking about, not in a wheelchair and the daughter pushing it and looking after a couple of children as well as holding the bags. I've just never found anyone in my situation and I dont know where to look.

Sorry to be on such a downer, please dont anyone reply to me, theres nothing can be said. I dont need to go to the doctors or anything, I just need something that takes away my past and lets me move onto to the next thing, whatever that is. The past few years have been hellish and I need to forget them, instead of hurting so much. Dont tell me to contact my siblings, to me they're dead and buried too, I cant risk them hurting me again.

sorry xxx

DS is absolutely stunned by the completely unexpected loss of his close friend he was crying last night and talking about my mum who he was also very close too. It seems so hard to "celebrate" Xmas with all this sadness around us, I knew the boy's the mum and I just feel so sad for the whole family I can't even begin to imagine how they are feeling.

I wish I hadnt wrote that now. Please dont anyone stop from mentioning their families, their mums or dads or sisters and brothers, that totally normal and a big part of your lives. Please dont think you have to stop mentioning anyone for me, thats not what I'm about, I hope I havent upset anyone here. Its just hard reading it all, but thats my problem, not yours. sorry to anyone I've upset xx

I feel so angry for this family what funking shitty world we live in where you can loose one of your children in an accident.
My mother had dementia it's fucking shitty disease where the person you love becomes unrecognisable.
I'm sorry to rant I'm not normally like this.

noname, thats just so awful your poor boy and the other family, words cant express how they must be feeling.

the world is such a cruel place, isnt it.

noname, rant away, the world is shit, those that look after themselves always seem to come up smelling of roses whilst the rest of us take the shit time and time again. dementia is hellish, utterly hellish, it slowly takes away the person you love inch by inch. sending sympathy to you, I feel very ranty today and very tearful, I dont know whats wring with me.

I'm going to get a coffee and a cake today and take t875's advice. I think I need something sweet to set me on the straight and narrow again, that and a sleep. I'm really tired, have been working a lot, shifts here and there, some very late then up early for the kids, think a sleep and a cake might sort me out, I hope so, I could scream at the world today.

Me too. I used to work shifts as well.
I know it doesn't really meter when you loose someone but it's must be hell for this family who've just lost their DS, my DS who's normally so excited by Xmas couldn't care less now.

Hello people.

I expect I have missed a lot since I last came on here. I hope you are all getting on as best you can and a sad 'hello' to any newbies.

ssd Your post made my heart hurt for you. The last few years have indeed been hellish for you- a long nightmare which will take a long time for you to recover from. I know you say you don't need to go to the Dr (and I know that a Dr can only offer medication and/or counselling) but I just feel desperately worried for you that you are enduring this alone and that it is such a struggle. Perhaps some more counselling could help. Or maybe it is just a case of letting time help you heal.

Noname How very sad about that little boy. I can't begin to imagine the loss of a child and the impact it has on a family...just awful.

I'm very sad, too, to read that your mum had dementia. It is a terrible disease and so traumatic for the sufferer's loved ones. :(

It was my mum's birthday yesterday; she would have been 66. I was glad the sun shone for her, and I ate a cream cake in her honour :)

In general, I am 'coping', but largely because I am numbing all the horrible feelings that I don't want to feel. I am 'medicating' them away until I feel ready to experience them again.

Waterlego hello!! it's good to hear from you. I'm the same I shut out all them obliterating thoughts. I've had too it was making me ill. Happy birthday to your mum. I'm sure she loved the cake! They enjoy us doing things for ourselves and you know her and she would say good on ya when you do.
Same as you ssd your mum and dad would want you to have that coffee and cake.
Really please don't apologize. You really have had so much to cope with. I get many days I want to scream at the world! It's not fair it's shit and the way your family treated you was repulsive!
I know you have had bereavement councilling maybe mention to the dr about general councilling so they can focas more on your situation with how your siblings have treated you?

I also worry about you and wish to god I was closer. But you vent and rant away that's what we're here for. Huge hugs to you Hun ((((hugs)))) you also know though not every day is the same and it might also be a time thing at your stage my grief and all the emotions were still very heightened. Still do get them times but cold reality has stared me in the face over and over this year to say my mum is gone ( well not gone I believe around me) and i miss her so much. But i just cant think about that. I keep her close i do things in her memory legacies but still hard at times.
Here as always if you need me Hun xxx

Ssd, I understand completely

I have 5 brothers, 2 who live to far away and the ones that are close hardly came to see mum so all her care was left to me.

To be perfectly honest there's a couple of them that if I never saw them again I really wouldn't care, one other I was always really close to but he has always disappeared for lengthy times and the others we will always be in touch, when my oldest dd arrived it was said they would help more but it never happened until mum was ill in hospital over 20 weeks at the start of the year and one brother kind of took over, pushed the drs to get her home before she was really ready and arranged night cover so the girls and I had some time on our own (which was kinda nice) then walked away 3 weeks later

Mum had a really good summer, got out and about more than she had for a few years ( wheelchair also, me pushing 2 dd's and bags in tow) and I am clinging to that. The end came quite out of the blue, was a little ill on the Saturday and I had to push drs to admitting her to hospital as I didn't think she could cope over night by herself and she passed away on the Wednesday am I still can't believe she's gone, I keep expecting her to ring me

Oops that was a bit longer than I meant it to be

Thinking of that poor family and your ds today noname x
I have a hair appt @ 4pm to try and do something with the birds nest that is my hair...meeting everyone @7 tonight.
Purple...I think that part of me will always be looking towards the door - expecting my dad to walk in. I can't imagine that ever changing.
I am very lucky - I have this thread and all of you, some good friends I can talk to but, ultimately, I am alone with my grief, as we all are.
No one else feels his loss as I do. Not my mum, who carries her own terrible burden, or my siblings who had a different relationship with him.
And maybe that's what's so hard...even surrounded by family we feel alone with our grief?
Sending hugs ssd (and anyone else who needs them!) x

It's been 7 months now and I know it's a little delayed but I was thinking I might join this thread and actually seek out some support instead of keeping it all in if that's okay?