Miss my son so much

[LilyTheSavage]

My beautiful middle son died on 10th August in a tragic and needless accident. It's three months today and I feel just as bereft and weighted with grief and sorrow as I did the day he died. It's very hard to bear. There must surely be others who have had this happen too.

Hi Mojito.
I'm ok mainly thanks. It was lovely having my husband home but I miss him when he's working away. I'm up to my ears getting sorted out for moving in a couple of weeks. I have very mixed feelings about moving. We are living in a rented house at the moment but are buying a cottage in the same village as DS1. I am very excited about moving in and getting sorted out, but I feel very strange about moving to a house where we won't have lived with DS2. I have a lovely friend coming to help me so that will make it easier. (I'll message you on your thread).
for you!

Lily, you have had so much to cope with since your darling boy passed away. Moving house will be another huge hurdle and will bring with it so many different and raw emotions. I'm pleased you have a good friend to help you as it will be tough no doubt. We are all here for you in any way we can be.

I know it's not the same as having him with you but you do still carry him in your heart and mind. Share the new house with him in whatever way you can.

After DD passed we relocated a couple of times and even though she wasn't physically present here our spare room has some of her things in it and I think of it as hers. As you know I'm going to create a special place for her too and I think this will make it a little easier and also a little more hers too. Think about that for yourself If and when you are ready.

Thank you for your post. It's very comforting to know that there are friends at the end of the computer who really do understand. I don't want my RL friends to understand fully because that would mean that they would have had to go through the agony of losing a child.

Paddy's pictures will go on the stairs and other photos will be around the house, as they are here together with pictures of our other two sons. He will always be with us.

Just check

Ok let me try that again! Just checking in with you Lily, hope you are managing as best you can at the moment. Packing up your house for your move I am sure you are finding so many things that bring back so many memories. I hope you are managing to not only have a good cry but also a gentle laugh or two at the memories that are being triggered.

I know there will be memories of not just Paddy but your memories of him will no doubt be bittersweet. Not only are you moving which is challenging enough without having lost such a special soul it is also nearly the 10th of the month and another mini anniversary to bring it all back again.

I remember those months like they were yesterday. I remember the tears at night alone in bed, I remember the constant thoughts of them during the day and the confronting thoughts of how they passed that I still shove to the back of my mind. It all changes and evolves as time marches on but it doesn't take much to go back there either. Continue to be as kind to yourself as you can and take time out for yourself. Moving house is hard work. This next period will be tough no doubt.

no more soft and delicious

I read up to that Lily and it just sums it up.

What a terrible tragedy, I'm so sorry

I had a MC in 2008, she would have just turned 5.
I know it's not the same as loosing a child who was born, lived in your life and died, but not being able to see, hug or kiss them, having your hopes and dreams for them being crushed is painful, no matter what.
(as someone once wisely phrased it "grief is not a competition")

I hope you're better able to cope now then those very early days - although I think the first year of grieving with all the firsts is just the most cruel.

sending you much strength and peace of mind.

big hugs

also sorry for your loss Mojito and all who posted about the loss of their precious children

Moving home is a huge deal. I can imagine how hard it is for you. Just remember that you carry Paddy in your heart, wherever you go. xx

Hi everybody. I'm back again. I just went to see some friends for a couple of days. Hi zing thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry about your MC. You're right about grief not being a competition. I sometimes feel guilty when I catch myself laughing or having a nice time as if somehow somebody somewhere is looking at me and thinking "how can she laugh when her DS died". It's hard.

mias I won't be far away from you when I move ... still good for visits! I've already decided where to put Paddy's pictures and photos of all my three boys. They will go on the stairs where I can say hello when I'm going up and down but where I don't have to see them all the time, if you see what I mean. Seeing pictures is hard.

oh, Lily, please don't ever feel guilty about laughing, feeling happy or joyful.
Your soul needs little breaks to cope with your heart ache.
Happy moments are so rare, best to enjoy them - that doesn't mean we miss our dear children any less, or betray their memories or anything like that!

In fact I have come to think the opposite.

I believe they are in Heaven and they are ok.
they look down and when we are happy they feel happy for us too.
As if they could say "Mum, I'm ok, please don't be sad.
I love you and I want you to be ok too"

That's how I see it.
Even if it makes no sense.

That makes sense Zing and I'm trying to convince myself. It's taking a lot of work though.

It feels as if I'm not missing Paddy any more just because I can laugh sometimes. Tough.

Lily

but that conversation is only in your head.
not in your heart.

it must be incredibly tough and nobody is expecting you to be smiley and happy or pretend your heart didn't get ripped apart!

but with time I think you will see that a cheerful moment doesn't take anything away from missing Paddy.
you will always miss him and remember him.

I remember how guilty I used to feel when I woke up and my first thought wasn't "I lost a baby, I can't cope with today".
It's the hardest thing.

I wonder if like survival's guilt is similar

(ignore the word like in last sentence)

Thanks Zing..... it made sense.

I think it must be something like survivor's guilt. Mother's guilt that I didn't do something that somehow could have prevented the accident (even though I was in another country).

I feel guilty even when I do feel happy or enjoy myself. I know Paddy would want us all to be happy, but it's hard to allow it happen.

Lily

you need time. be kind to yourself.
best thing maybe to have no expectations as to how you should feel.

I think it's easier if you just let yourself be, as you are.

and you know there's nothing you could have done to prevent his fucking horrible accident.
Sometimes there's nothing we can or could have done.
Thinking maybe you could have is very toxic and will rob you of peace - I guess if anything that's a thought to try and erase from your mind.

when you are ready.

sending you more big hugs

(when I told about my MC, someone blamed me for it.
she said it happened because 'I like being miserable so my body got rid of baby, so that I could always have something to be miserable about'.

can you believe that?

even though I don't like being miserable and wasn't looking to have an excuse for when I am and I know it was unpreventable that baby died & definitely not my fault it still took me a while to ignore that poisonous bile and not be permanently affected by it.)

My heart goes out to you LiLy. I'll be thinking of you.. Please be strong.

Zing - what an utterly despicable thing for someone to day to you.

Lily, as always I'm thinking of you. It's our Mother's Day here this weekend so when I am out with the boys for breakfast I will raise my coffee cup to each and everyone of us who has lost someone so precious in our lives.

Zing Some people are miserable fuckers and don't deserve oxygen. How utterly horrible for you to have to deal with that.

Mojito my lovely friend. Enjoy your Mothers' Day and I'll raise a coffee to you as well this weekend.

It's 9 months on Saturday and it feels like yesterday and years ago all rolled into one. I'm so afraid of forgetting what he smells like, and looks like, and feels like and just IS. It just breaks my heart all over again every time I see his picture.

Thanks chicks.
she is no longer a friend.

Lily

how are your sons coping? and your DH? do you feel you are able to support each other?

Happy Mother's day Mojito

Glad you don't count her as a friend. To be honest, she's lucky still to be alive making comments like that. Bitch!

My other two sons are ok.... whatever that is. The youngest (21 next month) is at uni and he's very focussed on his work and he has good friends around him. He had some counselling which he said helped and he seems to be in good form. The oldest (24 next week) is very focussed on his work and his training and is very quiet. He's always quiet anyway. They occasionally mention their brother but they don't shy away when I mention him. They deal with their loss in their own ways I guess. My DH works overseas but we speak several times every day and he manages like me. We have good moments and we have wobbly moments. I guess we just have to work our way through the fog.

Lily I have just read this whole thread, I'm so very sorry to hear you lost your son, ive wrote and deleted this post about 6 times now as nothing i say sounds right, so im just going to say that im thinking of you, please don't feel guilty when you find yourself smiling or laughing, im sure your son would want to see his mum happy

Thanks vito for your message. Don't worry about saying the wrong thing, it was just right.

I'm finding things a bit overwhelming this afternoon and am now lying in my bed even though there are a million and one things I ought to be doing for moving house next week. My wonderful DBrother is driving a long way tomorrow to come and help me with some stuff. I love my brother. Today I am just feeling so cold and tired that I had to go to bed for a snooze.

Hope you're feeling a bit better today, and enjoying some time with your brother x

Keep breathing lily one breath at a time. You are amazing.

Hi everybody. It's a funny old time just now. I'm getting ready for moving and I'm really looking forward to being sorted out and having things straight again, but..... and there's always a but..... I'm not looking forward to living in a house that hasn't ever had Paddy in it.

My brother is fantastic and is a wonderful support. Saturday was the 10th of the month (the day Paddy died) and it's always a difficult day. This month marked the nine month point since his death and it felt harder than ever. I was very conscious that it was nine months and I couldn't get out of my mind the fact that it's the length of a pregnancy and was a lifetime. I don't know quite what I'm trying to say but there's a definite correlation somewhere between the length of a pregnancy, a lifetime and the fact that he died nine months ago. I slept all afternoon on Saturday which is really unusual for me. I guess I must have needed it. Anyway, it was three hours where I wasn't thinking about things.

I could really do with some sunshine this week which would really help me to deal with things and get my act together!