Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 ··· 29 30

Original poster

Miss my son so much

739 replies

LilyTheSavage · 10/11/2013 15:36

My beautiful middle son died on 10th August in a tragic and needless accident. It's three months today and I feel just as bereft and weighted with grief and sorrow as I did the day he died. It's very hard to bear. There must surely be others who have had this happen too.

OP posts:

Thread gallery

Original poster

LilyTheSavage · 04/04/2014 08:53

HI Treasa
Thank you for your kind message. I really do feel humbled that other people are still remembering DS2. He was an especially lovely young man and it's just so horribly unfair that we are without him. He was a good and kind person and everybody loved him.

March has been really tough. His gravestone was erected, we had his memorial weekend, it was his birthday, it was St Patrick's Day (my DS was called Patrick - Paddy) and then Mothers' Day. Just too much all in a cluster of weeks. I'm glad that March is over. But the sense of loss and longing doesn't go away.

Be kind to yourself too.

OP posts:

Mojito100 · 04/04/2014 18:22

Here for you lily.

Original poster

LilyTheSavage · 04/04/2014 22:17

Thanks mojito.
Had a lovely evening with DS1 and his fabulous GF, DS3 and two girl friends of his. I had had enough of it all by 9 and just felt overwhelmingly sad that DS2 wasn't there with us.

I've gone to bed very early to try and have some peace and quiet. Can't cope with so much. Ridiculous!

OP posts:

Mojito100 · 05/04/2014 11:37

It's not ridiculous. I'm not sure that ache and longing ever go away. It's funny because you live in the moment and have a laugh enjoying the company and then all if a sudden it just a hits you. Good for you heading off to bed. Sometimes there is nothing better than just being alone and quiet.

Original poster

LilyTheSavage · 05/04/2014 12:26

I knew you'd not think I was being irrational. Peace and quiet did the trick.

I'd like a calm day today and it's started ok. Hope you get a good weekend. xx

OP posts:

Mojito100 · 09/04/2014 15:26

Lily, just checking in with you personally. There's a lot on in others lives and I know you are there for them. Just making sure you are doing as good as you can as it is still such a tough time for you.

There are so many special days and moments to come which will so unfortunately remind you of the most wonderful person who is now not here with you. I don't know if they get easier all I know is they are shitty times and moments to go through but you do because you must.

I hope you are ok in yourself.

Original poster

LilyTheSavage · 09/04/2014 21:40

Thanks very much Mojito. Today hasn't been so good. Just one of those days where all I can think about is DS2.... and his last moments and when we last saw him. A very soggy and weepy day.

It's been one of those days where it almost seems unbelievable and then I remember seeing him dead and it all comes back with hideous clarity.

Heartbreaking.

OP posts:

Mojito100 · 10/04/2014 09:59

You are right. It is heartbreaking. Take care.

Original poster

LilyTheSavage · 10/04/2014 10:38

Yet another tenth of the month. Eight months since my darling boy died. I sometimes can't quite believe he isn't here and that he's just gone somewhere and then it all comes crashing back with hideous clarity.

How can this be right.

I miss my boy.

OP posts:

Mojito100 · 10/04/2014 15:18

Oh lily, I've just hopped onto MN before I go to sleep as I wanted to say I wish I was near you to hug and cry with you. Then I saw your message. I wish I was there even more so now. That desperation, or is it desolation, is just so overwhelming it can never be expressed in words. I hope you have someone to hold you as you cry. Grief can be the loneliest feeling in the world.

I can truly feel your feelings just in what you write. Imagine me there with you carrying some of the horrendous grief you are burdened with. Just to hold your hand and cry with you, hug you or just sit quietly. Whatever you need.

Take care, and in those moments you have where you can let in the wonderful memories do so. It hurts but it is worth it if not just to block out the horrible thoughts that so often crowd in.

Original poster

LilyTheSavage · 10/04/2014 16:18

Thank you so much. It's been a really tough morning. I went to the churchyard to tidy up his grave and re-plant a bowl with lovely summer flowers and spent most of my time weeping. Just wishing he was there. Wondering if he ever knew anything, wondering if his last thoughts were of me..... so draining. There's no space in my head for anything else sometimes. I met a very good friend down there for lunch, and if it had been anybody other than her I would have cancelled.

Next time I shall try hard to imagine you there with me holding my hand. I hope you'll be able to imagine me beside you too hand in hand with you. We are travelling a hideous path together and even the most well-meaning of our friends and family cannot fathom what it is that we bear. I don't want them to be able to imagine because it would mean that they had to go through it too.

I hope you slept last night and had some space for happy thoughts. XXX

OP posts:

Mojito100 · 11/04/2014 17:37

Keep taking one step at a time. Stop to grieve when you need. It's all you can do. Love and hugs.

Original poster

LilyTheSavage · 12/04/2014 07:40

One foot in front of the other..... and repeat. It's a bit like marathon training. xx

OP posts:

Mojito100 · 12/04/2014 19:22

It is a marathon and a shitty one that never finishes!

Original poster

LilyTheSavage · 13/04/2014 08:10

Had a very emotional, but proud night last night when we presented the Paddy Kellett Trophy for the Banbury Hockey Club Player of the Year. It went to a very, very lovely man who is a very special friend of DS1's and Paddy's. He was overwhelmed to receive it. I didn't cry but I just shook instead.

OP posts:

Mojito100 · 15/04/2014 15:54

Lily, I didn't see your last post until just now. I came here just to check in on you. How heartbreaking to he awarding a trophy in memory of Paddy yet how wonderful it was to present it to someone significant in your boys lives. I am confident he will treasure it and that the significance will always be with him.

I hope you are managing to get by. Let me know.

Things are good my end however I have a session with the psych planned this week where I'm going to attempt to open the lid on all my hidden thoughts and feelings. It may go pear shaped. We'll see what happens.

Take care.

Original poster

LilyTheSavage · 15/04/2014 21:24

Hi Mojito. It was heartbreaking but celebratory at the same time. One of Paddy's best friends made the most fantastic speech about him and I managed not to cry in front of everybody. The man who won the trophy will treasure that for ever, I know. I'm so glad that he won it.

I'm ok, but up and down. My husband is back for a couple of weeks which is lovely.

I hope your psych session goes well and that it helps you to get some answers. Do you have somebody lovely there to hold your hand and give you a hug when you're out? Which day is it and I can look out for you on here. XXX

OP posts:

Mojito100 · 15/04/2014 23:14

My session is tomorrow I'll update you on my thread as this is your special one. I'm pleased your husband is home. It must be just as challenging for him as it is for you yet no doubt slightly different too.

The tears can be so painful yet really are one of the best things. I know what you mean about your thoughts and all the questions you have about his last moments. I have all of those too. It is terribly confronting when those thoughts and questions come into your head. I still push them away as they are so hard to contemplate.

No one special to hold me and help me through at this end. MN really has helped just finding others who understand has been invaluable.

Chat soon.

Mojito100 · 18/04/2014 01:45

Lily, I was thinking if you at 3.30 this morning when the dog woke me up. How are your boys coping with the loss of DS2? I hope you all share your memories of him. It may be too soon to do that without it being incredibly raw and painful but I do hope you all feel you can talk about him.

I think you are amazing and I know you get on with things for the sake of others. I hope they open up to you about how they feel as, like you have said before, thinking and talking about DS2 no matter how hard is so much better than not.

Original poster

LilyTheSavage · 18/04/2014 11:37

Bloody dog!

My other two DS cope very well mainly. The oldest very rarely mentions DS2 and then it's only a quick comment. I think that's all he can manage at the moment. DS3 is more open and talks a bit more. He decided he needed help and asked for it at university and got counselling. The older one says he doesn't need/want help.

It's very hard getting the balance between talking about DS2 with/to them and talking about other things. They have to know how much we miss DS2 but it doesn't mean that we love them any the less, or that they're any less important. It's such a juggling act. xxx

OP posts:

Mojito100 · 18/04/2014 16:02

It is a juggling act and is exactly the same with my two. I don't want the loss of their sister to overshadow their lives but also don't want her to he forgotten as she was a part of their lives. You will know what is right to do with your boys I'm sure.

I hope DS1 does ask for help at some stage. It is a big burden to carry around but I get that it just may be too soon for him.

I have taken both my boys to a psych since we lost DD but this has been very low key. There is no pressure to talk and I always do cake with them beforehand as a treat. I want them to know that there is help in the world and there is always a safe place to go and talk to someone. My eldest is the one who holds it all in and rarely says much. At some stage it will hit him and he will need to work through everything. I hope he uses a psych then.

Original poster

LilyTheSavage · 18/04/2014 17:19

I think that my oldest DS aged 24 this month is too big and grown up to be taken anywhere! He's served in Afghanistan and is a proper grown-up man with his own mind. I've suggested some counselling but he wasn't interested. I can only suggest. My youngest is 21 this summer and he's much more articulate about it all, but still doesn't say much.

Somebody said to me that you're only ever as happy as your unhappiest child. Wise words. xx

OP posts:

Mojito100 · 22/04/2014 17:49

Lily, hope you are taking care of yourself. Another celebration and time family spend together has just passed. The boys and I are off on a few days holiday and will be out of email range. Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and will be while we are away. I'll touch base when we are back.

Original poster

LilyTheSavage · 23/04/2014 07:27

Survived it. Thank you for thinking of me. It was ok but my DH was home for a couple of weeks. He works overseas and it was good to spend time together. We went to DS2's grave a few times together and just wept.

It all is such a terrible waste for him to die. I nearly died having him and had such a battle to give him life, yet he died in such a pointless unneccessary accident. If only, if only if only....

OP posts:

Mojito100 · 29/04/2014 15:05

Hi lily, just checking in. Being a bit quiet at the moment and just rembeging DD. Taking a little time for myself to get my thoughts together.

Hope you and your DH are coping ok. It must be nice to have him back with you.

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 ··· 29 30

Swipe left for the next trending thread