Miss my son so much

[LilyTheSavage]

My beautiful middle son died on 10th August in a tragic and needless accident. It's three months today and I feel just as bereft and weighted with grief and sorrow as I did the day he died. It's very hard to bear. There must surely be others who have had this happen too.

I feel weighed down with grief this evening and there's only me and the dogs so I don't even need to pretend to be ok. The mask is in the bin. Wine for dinner is the way ahead.
I am moving in a few days to a house where Paddy has never lived with us. People say he'll always be with you, but it's just not the same. They mean well, but tonight everything is very bleak.

Not calm. Not peaceful.

I don't know what to say but I'm listening, I'm sorry tonight has been so hard. Be gentle to yourself, sleep if you need to, it's your body's way of saying 'enough, I need to stop thinking now.'

Oh lily, wish I was there with you. Do what Janey said it's all you can do. It's always hard but the next few weeks will be tough to say the least. Even the unpacking of items and finding new homes for them in your new house will be hard.

I think you'll find the emotional roller coaster will be pretty hair raising and you'll be up and down at a rate of speed. All you can do is go with the emotions as they come. Let them be even when the burden is so hard to carry. Write to us all were all here with you and on the same roller coaster just sitting in different carriages.

Hi girls.
I'm a bit more balanced today - or at any rate - I am at this exact moment. Give me a few minutes and it could go either way. You're so right mojito about it being an emotional roller coaster. That's exactly it. I find it frightening that my emotions are so unpredictable.

I am longing to be sorted out and settled again.

Some days we take small steps sometimes bigger steps but each day you keep going you honour the memory of your beautiful son. You are strong even when you feel weak. Lean on those you can and breathe through this tumultuous time.

You are going a great job.

Hi girls.
Packing and racing around today has been ok, and made so much easier and more bearable by the arrival of a close girlfriend who has come for a week to help me move. She is a complete superstar. I think that tomorrow I will be too busy to feel anything so that's good. Just keep busy is the way ahead. My friend is a rock to lean on and we've already got so much done today.

Good to hear.

Lily, I know you are moving house and the chaos that brings. I have been thinking about you and hope you are settling in ok and also taking done time just for yourself to let the house settle around you. This is such a significant time in your life, unfortunately there will be more so just take your time.

My thoughts are with you and with Paddy.

Hi Mojito.
I'm back online and in contact with the world. The move has gone fine thanks and I'm all unpacked and sorted out thanks to my lovely friend, but the house doesn't feel like home yet. But it will.

I haven't been doing too brilliantly and have cried most days, although I can't really explain why. I have just been missing my boy.

Looking at pictures of Paddy is just so hard. My friend is worried and thinks I'm not doing very well, but what else can I do? I can only do as much as I can do. I thought I was actually doing very well and the mask hadn't slipped too much. Oh well.....

Time for another

I think you may deserve a wine rather than a coffee. I'm sure you are actually doing brilliantly. Packing up feels in some ways just like saying goodbye at a funeral and then unpacking just kicks you fair in the guts and reminds you they won't be walking through the door.

Isn't it funny how our society thinks that tears mean you aren't coping when it is a key coping mechanism. That's one of the problems with the mask - it seems to go hand in hand with no tears on display. I am sure your friend is just wonderful but do let them know that the tears, may at times be painful, are helping and holding it all in for others isn't.

Take care.

It was too early for when I posted earlier. Now I'm just about to have .

Sometimes the tears won't stop and other times they won't come. The lack of control is frightening, as is the emotional roller coaster we're on. Some people think I'm doing very well because I'm more able to control The Mask than other times. I can't keep it in place for too long though before it slips.

The sunshine didn't last.... torrential rain most of the day. I went to the doctor to get more ADs and got enough to last me through the summer. It's not going to be an easy time but there again, when is it easy now?

I agree. It never really gets easier to manage. I find it hard because as time passes there us an expectation that it does get easier and therefore it hurts less and you feel less sorrow. Essentially people expect the mask to be in place all the time but for it yo be real. It just isn't that way at all so then you hide so much more which makes me feel like the burden is heavier and I am a fake. 5 years on and i feel the same yet pretend more to those around me that it is all fine to make them feel comfortable rather than uncomfortable. Life sure is bizarre at times.

Lily, I suspect your friend is trying to be helpful, but isn't. To pretend you aren't feeling low when you have every reason to do so seems a dangerous precedent, storing up trouble for the future. Don't feel pressured by her comments, please.

You are doing your best in a radically different world. Life as you knew it has disappeared. Paddy. And then on top of this, you are adjusting to a new home and social environment. In any circumstances, that alone is considered stressful, let alone being a grieving mother.

One breath at a time. One step after another. One day at a time. Don't ask more of yourself. Give yourself permission to just "be". Xx

My friend is really really lovely and is trying to help. Mojito you're right about not wanting people to feel uncomfortable which is why I make such a massive effort with the mask, but I can't keep it up for ever. Mia's you're right. One breath and take each moment as it comes.

It's good to have everything put away and tidy. Makes me feel less agitated all round control freak that I am .

I understand the control freak element. I don't cope if my house is a mess and I find things tougher when I am not getting done all I need. That's been my state this week to much to do at work and home. Carve out some time for yourself lily as moving house is both physically and emotionally draining. I'm carving out time with my boys this weekend just to remind myself of how amazing they are and how lucky I am to have them.

It makes me feel agitated when everything's a mess. Need to finish sorting out a few bits and pieces and then I can relax. Have a good weekend with your boys.

I thought that I'd find some peace and calm when I'd moved. But I haven't. Yet. Maybe it will come some time.

I'm missing my boy more than ever at the moment. I see his pictures and I try to remember him but sometimes I can't. I'm so frightened I'm going to forget what he smelled like, how he felt, his tight hard hugs.

There will always be some memories that will never go. Some things may fade but some stay strong too. I wrote down my memories and tried to capture all those special things on case I did forget and could pul it back. Try this if you haven't. I think the writing down of my memories has also helped cement them in my mind. Write down how he smelt with as many describing words as you can.

I am so sorry for the loss of your wonderful son. I lost my daughter two years ago also in an accident. She fell from a building where we were staying and died instantly. She was 3.5 so much younger than your son but I have no doubt that what we have been through will be similar.
There is so much that I want to say to you. Do message me if you want to arrange a chat on the phone. I feel I have learned so much about how to deal with grief and it's repercussions. In short here are a few things that have been a lifeline for me and got me through the darkest days..

1. Compassionate Friends. I call their phone line run by bereaved parents and just chat through what's going in. They know because they have been there too and it nearly always makes me feel better.
2. I found a fantastic Clinical Psychologist who I see regularly. I saw all sorts of people before who we're not right but finding my lady is probably the reason I am still sitting here today.
3. Anti depressants.
4. My friends, not all of them, some have drifted away but enough have been there to get me through. When I have a bad day I will often just sit in their kitchen drinking tea while they natter away. We don't always need to talk about my grief (they ask me if I want to talk usually) but if I don't know what to do with myself and feel my thoughts are too much to handle then the company gets me through the day. TV can do the same although it obviously has to be very light.

I hope that helps, I am here if you need. Sending love and strength to you today.

A couple more thoughts.. On the mask I think use it if you need it to get you through the day, go to the shops etc but don't be afraid to take it off. For one, it will be a relief to your friends if you can cry on their shoulder because they can make you tea and comfort you. They will be acutely aware of your pain but it is harder for them to know how to support you if your mask is on and you are trying to pretend you are okay.
Also, tears are good. They are there, let them flow, don't bottle them up. Pent up tears can turn toxic or destructive.
On photos,.. I found it immensely painful to look at photos and my daughter, Celia's things but just recently I have found some comfort in them. That was after two years. Until you feel ready then keep them safe in a box with maybe one or two special photos around in your new house. They will be safe there until you want to look at them. We moved several times after we lost Celia's, mainly because we were living abroad at the time and decided to move back to the UK so we could have our friends and community around us. The moves were traumatic but I have all her things boxed up safely in the loft and I am gradually able to look at them now and awaken some lovely memories. X

Thanks mojito and baglady.
I'm not sure that I could capture memories by writing them down but I can try. I thought Compassionate Friends was an American organisation and didn't realise that they were over here as well. Baglady I did have six sessions with a counsellor but I don't know if they helped - I can't really quantify it because I don't know how I'd be now if I hadn't been (if you see what I mean).

I am very lucky and have some very good friends but I don't want to burden them with what's going on in my head. I can't put on "the act" and "the mask" for ever, but I don't like crying in front of people. I feel that they don't know how to deal with this very different version of Me and I feel as if it's just an act. The tears and sobs come very quickly and go very quickly and it's all such an emotional roller coaster.

I get it lily. That's what I love about MN. Not only is everyone so understanding I find them compassionate, warm, and welcoming. I can have a good cry as I type something or just when I am reading something without feeling foolish or like a burden to others. I don't always want the focus to be on the loss of my loved one but also don't want her forgotten yet I recognise other peoples lives do move on and it isn't always fair to burden them with my tears or feelings. I have seen a Psych since DD passed and find it helpful but I think coming back to MN has made the biggest difference. This is my place to let go with others who truly understand.

You're completely right Mojito. It's a safety net where we can say exactly what we're feeling. Some people think I'm "better" but I'm just better at wearing the mask.

Hi Lily, I lost my 17 year old son in a tragic road collision 3 weeks ago. I'm so sorry to hear about your son. I don't quite know how I'm going to get through this, I have a another son of 13 and need to try to cope for him but I'm finding it extremely difficult. Reading your posts has given me some hope but I can see its going to take a long, long time to get back to anything that's near normality. I'm just so heartbroken x

Hi Samharrysmom, I'm so, so sorry about your darling boy. You're right about keeping going. I sometimes think that I suppress my own feelings for the sake of my other two sons. I don't want to burden them with my grief. I will pm you with a link where you will find a safe place and other mothers to talk to. xxx