Miss my son so much

[LilyTheSavage]

My beautiful middle son died on 10th August in a tragic and needless accident. It's three months today and I feel just as bereft and weighted with grief and sorrow as I did the day he died. It's very hard to bear. There must surely be others who have had this happen too.

I sat quietly on the weekend and thought of your darling boy and you. Raised my cup and hoped you are managing.

Thanks Mojito. I'm ok-ish at the moment. We had a really lovely holiday but it doesn't stop me grieving for my boy and missing him. I looked for him in the clouds but couldn't find him or any of our others.

I dreamed about Paddy while I was away for only the second time since he died. I wish I could remember what it was about but I think hockey was involved.

The weight of sadness is just never very far away. It's like a little heap of pebbles balanced on top of each other and it doesn't take very much, if anything, for them to topple. I feel guilty for feeling sad when I'm having a lovely time, and then feel guilty for having a lovely time. Very complicated.

I'm very glad lily that you enjoyed your time away with your husband, I think sometimes it's a little easier being away from everything.
I understand completely the mixed feelings your describing, its always turmoil in your head.
Sending you love xx

Just reaching out to hold your hand and have you hold mine. Missing my loved one today as you no doubt are to.

for tomorrow when I bake your scrummy cake.

Thanks for the hand holding. Was very much needed yesterday. I made the mistake of opening Paddy's tuck box when I was doing some tidying and cleaning. It has all the letters and cards in that we received after he died. It also has Paddy's papers and certificates and things in. Also his wallet and his phone. It just splintered my heart all over again. Why did I open that fucking Pandora's box?

Knowing that I have such lovely and understanding friends helps.

and tomorrow morning. It's a date! XXX

Aw lily, such sadness. I actually did the same the other day we were talking about the boys funerals on another post, and I suddenly knew that I didn't know, I was numb the day of Dave's, so I looked at the order of service and the ceremony papers, why? I made myself so much sadder. What was I thinking. I hope you are okay now, it's shite.
Date tomorrow, my gin cake is like shortbread I'll try again tomorrow :-o xx

had, and my ??, I'm no baker!!!

Sending love xx

Me too but earlier!
Love to you too XXX

Sorry..... Had so much to write, a full weekend, a headache and a confused head so didn't get to write before now.

Made my cake - it was delicious. Sat down to enjoy it yesterday with a coffee and the sun streaming through the windows. It was just perfect to toast us all and our loved ones with. I will be making it again.

yay! xxx

It was a beautiful spring day yesterday and I actually felt peaceful and reasonably ok. I was working in the garden and the sun was shining. I still feel very fragile though as if I'm at the top of a slide and a little nudge will just upset that precarious balance and send me back down. I wonder if it's the same for everybody else?

I've been thinking....

It's weird how life continues isn't it. I felt as if everybody should just shut down after the enormity of what had happened. But no. People continue as if nothing has happened to them. I felt (and still do actually) as if I was at the very epicentre of what happened to Paddy. Nobody else felt it quite as keenly or sharply as me. Not even my DH who adores our boys.

I'm still not ready to just move on. How can I? I loved him with all my heart from the moment I knew I was pregnant and then all his life. You can't just turn it off because he's not there. It seems so wrong and sort of disrespectful to just move on and be happy. He's worth more than that and deserves more than that.

The thing is, I know he'd want me to be happy. I have moments of lightness of spirit and I do feel stronger and more positive just now, but I'm really like a jigsaw with a piece missing.

The cake came out of the oven and made the house smell beautiful as I sat down for a coffee this morning. As I thought about Paddy this overwhelming sense of sadness came over me followed very quickly by that futile/disheartened ferling at how tragic his loss is. I normally feel quite peaceful when I think of Paddy but not today for some reason.

Maybe it's the fact I had a touch of anger this week at another event approaching (Easter) and our beautiful children should be here sharing it with us. Life actually is unfair.

Happy Easter to you today. I wish all our precious loved ones could be reborn.

sorry for the loss of your loved ones, wishing you some peace and sunshine today

Dear Mojito. I always feel that Paddy's death was such a waste and how futile it was. He is here with me all the time but yet he's not. I feel so angry. They should all be here with us. You're completely right about the unfairness of life.

Happy Easter to you too and I hope you liked the cake

Eggy thank you for your kind message. I think sunshine has been promised here today and that always lifts the spirits.

I absolutely hate the phrase that everything happens for a reason, there's no reason whatsoever for our children leaving us. All their Deaths are such a waste and futile, and unfair,and cruel. They all had so much more to do.

I hope the sun shines today lily, it's shining here this morning xx

The cake was a huge hit but I'm still not sure I had enough gin in it!

More gin! More gin! More gin! Seems reasonable enough. You'll have to make it again to test the recipe. Did the DC enjoy it too?

I've kept DC's away from it and with the quantity of chocolate they have ingested I don't think they could have taken any more.

I miss big tight squeezy hugs that smell of my boy. I miss his particular sort of softness and the mixture of soft cheek, bristle and hard muscles. I miss him going out to work smelling of clean man and clean laundry and then I miss him coming back smelling of outdoors and chainsaw oil and cut wood. I miss him cuddling the dog and I'm sure she misses him too. I miss going into his room and snuggling for a sleepy cuddle. I miss him being grumpy because I've woken him up.

I just miss my boy.

I understand.

Thinking of you.

Thank you so much. I will PM you when internet isn't playing up. You are so amazing and I appreciate all you have done. I feel so incredibly privileged to have you in my life. Your family are so lucky to have you and Paddy is to. The way you continue to cherish and remember him.

Thank you very much Mojito.

Strangely, I have been able to think about Paddy today with a smile while I've been working in the garden. I could really have done with his help.

Thinking of all my friends who are travelling with me.