Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Miss my son so much

739 replies

LilyTheSavage · 10/11/2013 15:36

My beautiful middle son died on 10th August in a tragic and needless accident. It's three months today and I feel just as bereft and weighted with grief and sorrow as I did the day he died. It's very hard to bear. There must surely be others who have had this happen too.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 19/04/2015 11:38

I knew it was too good to last, that feeling of being a bit more positive. I can't pinpoint what it is that just sends me plummeting back down. Whatever it is it does a great job of knocking me off my little perch. Everything is so precarious and fragile.

OP posts:
Mojito100 · 19/04/2015 14:46

One minute you're up and the next down. It really is an out of control rolleecoaster with some terribly unpleasant dips. I joined you for coffee and had a slice of orange cake I had baked. Now just deciding who to offload the 5 quiches I made to.

Mojito100 · 20/04/2015 13:30

Your garden is amazing. I'll imagine myself sitting there with you, a coffee or two and hopefully many a happy memory of our loved ones along with a few tears too n

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 21/04/2015 07:50

Thank you. Hahaha! That's so funny. I've just been in the garden for my first cup of coffee and I actually thought of you!

At the top of the roller coaster today. Hope I can balance up here for a wee while.

OP posts:
jenmac22 · 21/04/2015 09:46

Hi Lily, I hope you can too. Your garden is beautiful, and maybe one day I will sit in it with you and talk about our boys, sending you lots of Love xx

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 21/04/2015 14:08

You don't need an invitation. Ever.
XXX

OP posts:
Mojito100 · 27/04/2015 01:19

I've been in the garden and thinking of you and Paddy while I was there. It's nothing compared to yours but makes me think of the man you raised and his chosen job in life. Someone special.

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 27/04/2015 07:09

Aw, thank you Mojito. I always think of Paddy when I'm working in the garden or up in our woods. I could really do with him here with his chainsaw and doing some management on the trees.

There is no light pollution here and the stars are easy to spot. Most evenings there is one particularly bright star on its own early on. It's as if it's Paddy and I always say hello and have a quick chat. I miss him.

OP posts:
Mojito100 · 27/04/2015 12:51

You miss him and cherish him. I know. He is so lucky to be in your thoughts as he is and I'm sure he knew how much you loved him.

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 27/04/2015 13:34

Fleeting happy moments. Precious moments but touched with melancholy. That just sums it up. Everything is underpinned with sadness even when on the surface of it I'm ok.

OP posts:
Mojito100 · 08/05/2015 23:45

Checking in. I'm intending to sit peacefully with my coffee tomorrow morning thinking of Paddy and all our loved ones. It's Mother's Day for me tomorrow so I am having a day off, reflecting and remembering.

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 10/05/2015 06:06

Thanks Mojito I hope it's a peaceful day for you.

I made a big mistake yesterday. I was doing ok and sorting out some stuff in my bedroom and I decided I was ok to open a bag that contains the condolence book we had at Paddy's funeral. I also had put in the letters we received. It just brought everything right back. The shock. The horror. The sheer desolation. I look at pictures of my darling boy and just can't believe that he's not here. It's so hard sometimes to even remember the very essence of Paddy. What made him so special.

I want him back so badly. But I know it's not happening.

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 10/05/2015 06:49

My heart goes out to you Lily. I have a 23 year old DS and I just can't begin to imagine how you find any strength at all having lose Paddy. You've made me think about the stupid stuff I worry about - and what's really important. Sending love.

Mojito100 · 10/05/2015 13:05

Hugs for you.

jenmac22 · 10/05/2015 14:06

Aw lily, I didn't know paddy, but feel like I do,and thats because of you and your writing of him. Paddy's essence and joy of life shines on as does your love for him and your other boys. How blessed are we.
The roller-coaster we are on is hard and takes us by surprise every time we crash back down.
I hope today is a brighter one,thinking of you,and paddy, lots of love xxx

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 10/05/2015 20:12

Thank you aj and Mojito. All hugs happily accepted.

jen I think that you hit the nail on the head when you describe the roller-coaster catching us out and taking us by surprise. We should be used to it. However..... Today was reasonably good but I got overwhelmed when I was cutting hazel down for my fence. I should have Paddy here for cutting trees down for me, after all, that was his job.

OP posts:
Mojito100 · 15/05/2015 09:49

I hope things are looking up more than they were earlier this week. Always thinking of you and sending hugs.

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 15/05/2015 20:03

Things are fine today. It could change at the drop of a hat though and I do feel I can never relax. My DH has arrived today and we've been talking about Paddy.

I miss him all the time. I don't see how this can ever change.

OP posts:
Mojito100 · 16/05/2015 00:07

As hard as it must be you are so lucky to have someone you can share memories of Paddy with. It has taken me a long time but for the first time I remembered my DD with a happy heart instead of a heavy heart the other week. Take care and I hope all your jobs got done before the return of DH.

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 16/05/2015 08:06

You're right. I am lucky. I should count my blessings more often.

Every time I think of him I smile and then the memories of how he died and the simple fact that he's just not here any more overwhelm the happier memories. Maybe one day.....

OP posts:
Mojito100 · 16/05/2015 13:17

One day is all we can ask for. I just wish he hadn't passed so you didn't have to suffer that he attaching loss.

Mojito100 · 18/05/2015 04:22

Sitting here thinking of you. Didn't get to make G&T cake on the weekend but did have time to reflect and remember.

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 18/05/2015 08:33

G&T cake is definitely the way ahead but Victoria sponge was the absolute favourite. If he'd had a bad day at work his best friend told me that he'd say "I'm going home and my mum will make me a cake". I'd make him a million cakes. Hope you had a peaceful weekend. XXX

OP posts:
Mojito100 · 23/05/2015 17:30

I raised my glass tonight to you, Paddy and you family. It's been so tough for you all and whilst appreciating my sister-in-law still being with us it was fitting to remember those who aren't. I wish they were with us.

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 25/05/2015 08:00

Thank you Mojito. You're right about being grateful for those we still have as well as missing those we have lost. It's a funny old balance. I have found that I am the most fantastic actress. I can put on an amazing performance of being ok and even sometimes I can "do happy", but underneath it all is always that pervading sense of loss and grief. I know that you and Jen will understand. If it wasn't for my other boys and lovely husband I wouldn't bother to stay. I sometimes feel that I am just existing and counting down the days that I have left. That's not good. I need to make more of an effort but it's all just so exhausting. The thing is (and I know that this is completely contradictory) I do get such joy from my other boys. How can I possibly let them think that Paddy's death is more important than their lives. That's the only thing that keeps me going.

OP posts: