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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Miss my son so much

739 replies

LilyTheSavage · 10/11/2013 15:36

My beautiful middle son died on 10th August in a tragic and needless accident. It's three months today and I feel just as bereft and weighted with grief and sorrow as I did the day he died. It's very hard to bear. There must surely be others who have had this happen too.

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Mojito100 · 20/01/2015 18:24

How incredibly brave you were with the decision you made. I wish with all my heart I could have donated DD's organs but unfortunately her poor little body was too badly damaged (on the inside). I wish there were children in the world having an opportunity to live their life to the fullest because of her. I hope you find out the news you want/need.

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 21/01/2015 20:57

thanks Mojito. I've found out where his heart valves are and also that they haven't been used yet. I feel rather sad about that as I'd really been hoping that a part of Paddy was running around in another person.

I have also found out that I am able to send a letter to the recipient or their family in the eventuality that his heart valves are used. I'd really like to tell them about Paddy and for them to know how amazing he was. That's important to me.

The news item yesterday has brought it all back with startlingly horrifying clarity. It's strange how I started searching for his valves just before that story hit the news. I've been thinking about both families. One so lucky and one other family now in our situation. Poor people.

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Mojito100 · 26/01/2015 10:53

Just checking in Flowers.

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 26/01/2015 17:56

Thanks for checking in Mojito. I've just poured a very stiff Wine and there's plenty for you too.

I am feeling ok-ish at the moment thanks. The gut-wrenching waves of grief are more manageable I think but still do happen. I've just booked to go to Africa on Paddy's birthday. I will be able to make sure his grave looks beautiful before I go though. The chance to spend time with my DH was too good to resist. I don't know how I'll feel actually on his birthday though.

He's everywhere in everything I do, never far from my thoughts. Always there. I do so miss my darling boy.

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Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 29/01/2015 20:21

It's funny how you can go from feeling ok-ish to right down again so quickly. I am in my kitchen in France and look around and think that Paddy would have loved it. He was here when I was having the worst of the work done and helped. How I wish he could see it.

I miss you darling boy. it's just so fucking unfair.

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jenmac22 · 31/01/2015 00:20

Hi lily. I hope you're feeling a bit brighter today, it is just so unfair.
Paddy will be in that kitchen with you, admiring the end result, and admiring his beautiful, strong mum.
Andys out tonight so lying waiting for him to come home and panicking too much aswell,
Lots of love xxx

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 31/01/2015 10:29

Thanks jen. I'm ok today. It's just that some moments are worse than others. It's raining and hailing at the moment but I'm ok.

I wish I could feel Paddy's presence somewhere.

I know exactly what you mean about feeling panicky when your other DSs are out and about. It makes me feel sick.
Lots of love to you too. xxx

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Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 03/02/2015 20:23

It takes so little to knock me right off my perch.

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Mojito100 · 04/02/2015 13:35

Will PM you soon.

Your doing a marvellous job of remembering and honouring your darling boy and continuing to live and love those still with you. It is damn hard some days to keep going but we do. Always knowing its one step closer to being with our missing beloved. Just enjoy what you can and embrace the ups and downs. It's all you can do and as hard as the lows are they do truly honour your boy and also what your body and mind need. Sometimes they are just do dark getting through them can feel impossible. FlowersFlowersFlowersBrewCake and especially a bug enveloping hug.

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 06/02/2015 07:10

Thank you Mojito.
Sometimes it feels as if doing anything other than grieving is wrong. People want me to be happy and move forward but I can't. Maybe I will in time. That mask is a good one sometimes.

This is a low point and it's always there in the background.

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jenmac22 · 06/02/2015 08:08

Hi Lily. These low times are so hard, the desperation we feel during them, the absolute pain, and wondering how it changes as the reason for our pain will never change. No words and no body can help. But somehow we keep going. Because of your huge heart and your abundant love for other people, especially your boys, the mask will go back in place, the smile will shine for others, the pain hidden inside of you, always there. This is why Paddy is such a fantastic man, and your other boys so well adjusted and caring, because of you, their beautifully outwardly strong mum, her ability to fall apart, heartbroken inside, but keep going on the outside.

Sending you love and understanding, always. Jen xx

Mojito100 · 06/02/2015 08:44

Just touching base. Had to go away for a few days but back now. Really missed you while I was away but focus had to be elsewhere. Feeling Heavy hearted today. Pm you soon.

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 06/02/2015 19:46

Hi Mojito and jen. I knew you'd understand. I feel as low as I have ever felt and just can't move out of it. I just feel so horribly sad and spend far too much time crying at the moment.

I'm fed up of being strong and coping.

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Mojito100 · 07/02/2015 07:11

Don't be strong. You don't have to be. It's what gets us through most days I know but sometimes it is too damn hard and when it is don't try to be. The energy it takes to be strong is significant to say the least. You are allowed to just be....... That is all that is needed and if being strong isn't it at the moment that is completely ok.

jenmac22 · 07/02/2015 09:47

It's exhausting, and you need to cry. It's so desperately cruel and unfair. Some days I just fall apart, how to go on seems impossible, just look after yourself lily, conserve your energy, I wish I could help you xxx

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 07/02/2015 17:09

You're both absolutely right of course. We just have to do as much as we can manage. Knowing that you're on the end of the keyboard is good. I'm glad to know that I'm not going mad. I do sometimes wonder if I'm losing my mind and how long this will last. Will it ever be better? Will I ever stop grieving for my darling boy? How can I not?

Hope you're both doing ok.

Sending you lots of love.

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Mojito100 · 07/02/2015 22:32

Sending you lots of love too.

Maurice169 · 08/02/2015 19:38

Hi Lilly
I've been reading some of your posts.
I just lost my 4yr old son a couple of weeks ago to sepsis.
I'm absolutely devastated.
I've failed as a mother to protect my son.
He was the most happy, healthy gorgeous little soul.
It was so sudden.
I'm in a nightmare

jenmac22 · 08/02/2015 19:49

Oh Maurice, I am so very sorry for your sudden loss of your beautiful, happy little boy. I wish you weren't living this nightmare, no mum should ever have to deal with this heartache, I am glad you have found this page, sending you lots of love xxxx

Maurice169 · 08/02/2015 21:12

I miss him so much
I Just want hold him in my arms.
Trying to be strong for my 8 yr old daughter.
I can't believe I will never see him again.??

jenmac22 · 08/02/2015 21:53

Oh god, I know, I really do.
Your daughter will be your reason for keeping going.
But right now, Maurice, all you can do is breath, in and out. Let others help you, take yourself away to a quiet place, and just let yourself be. This is hell I know. I am so sorry. I wish I could help you, I am here to listen and understand in a small way xx

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 09/02/2015 07:26

Oh Maurice. I'm so so sorry about your darling boy. Jen has just said everything and exactly what I would say. But I'd also add that you need to be gentle with yourself too. It's not your fault so try not to beat yourself up, but it's natural to do so. I beat myself up about Paddy on a daily basis and he was 21. I wonder what I could have done to stop him going back to the UK for a brea, I wonder what I could have done differently.... and the answer is that there's nothing that I could do. I hope you manage to find some sort of peace. As Jen said, your daughter will be your reason for managing. Try www.winstonswish.org.uk - they are utterly brilliant and will help you to help her. I've used them in my professional capacity in school and can't recommend them highly enough. Sending you love. Thanks

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Mojito100 · 09/02/2015 09:48

Maurice - I also send my thoughts, hugs and sympathy to you. It just isn't enough I know but all I have to send. I lost my DD when she was 4 and both Jenmac and Lily are correct. We do keep going for our other children even with the incredibly big gaping hole in our hearts. Our other loved ones deserve to have their lives lived to the fullest and even knowing that it doesn't make it any easier to deal with the grief and loss.

There will be many dark days and others that you "manage" to get through. We are all here for you knowing exactly what you are suffering, feeling and living with.

Maurice169 · 09/02/2015 20:43

Thank you for your kind thoughts and words.
To know there's mums out there that have felt the agony
My Dad flew out from Australia straight away and has been a great comfort, especially to my partner who's grief is so outward and overwhelming. Dad goes back on Wednesday.
I Hope we will cope, it was 3 of us before Jack , we were happy then. I've dug up some photos of her when she was a baby and put them on the notice board. He loves her so much.
I'm a bit pissed I'm drinking lots of wine.
Got to sort the funeral out.
Got to bury our boy
Bless you. Xxxxxxxxx

Miss my son so much
jenmac22 · 09/02/2015 20:58

What an absolutely gorgeous little guy, wishing you all the strength to get through the next few days, and sending you and your family all my love, xxxxx