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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Miss my son so much

739 replies

LilyTheSavage · 10/11/2013 15:36

My beautiful middle son died on 10th August in a tragic and needless accident. It's three months today and I feel just as bereft and weighted with grief and sorrow as I did the day he died. It's very hard to bear. There must surely be others who have had this happen too.

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Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 23/12/2014 08:09

Thank you magimedi and Isabeller.

We will light candles on Paddy's grave before Midnight Mass. I want them to shine through the night for him.

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Mojito100 · 24/12/2014 21:18

It's not as it should be but I hope you found your time with Paddy was all you wanted it to be. You are in my thoughts and heart.

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 25/12/2014 01:08

Thank you Mojito.

We made his grave look beautiful. Red tea lights, bright flowers, dark red berries on the wreath and a Christmas tree with little clusters of berries on and bright white lights shining. It was as beautiful as we could make it for him. I thought of my friends who are treading this shitty path and their darling babies who are gone too soon.

It's all just so, so wrong.

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Mojito100 · 25/12/2014 11:31

Your post was beautiful and helped me have a cry. What you did for Paddy sounds beautiful and very special. I just couldn't shed a tear today but really wanted to. These anti-d's do a great job but I do want to be normal and feel some emotion.

So, thank you for posting how special Paddy is to you and allowing all of us around the world to know him and thank you for finally helping me have a cry. It is actually just what I needed.

magimedi · 25/12/2014 19:47

I had a moment of stopping on my walk by the sea today when I thought of you, Lily & Paddy & all of your family.

It was a beautiful day, filled with sun & light, & as I said to Min, I hope it can touch you, just for a moment.

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 26/12/2014 10:39

Thank you Mojito. It was very beautiful and very special and I cried too. Not just for Paddy but for all our children. It's just so wrong.

Thank you also magimedi. It was kind of you to think of us.

We had a lovely day with my fantastic DCuz and her family. But there's always one young man missing. My other two DS were given spud guns "from Paddy" and I know that's going to be trouble. At 24 and 21 they still love toys!!!

I hope all my friends had a peaceful day.

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Mojito100 · 26/12/2014 14:07

I love the spud gun idea and I bet your boys did too. I can just imagine the wicked grins on their faces as they are hiding out trying to shoot each other.

Mojito100 · 30/12/2014 11:36
Flowers
Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 30/12/2014 12:29

Hi Mojito.
I've just got back to France with my DH and have been hit by a temperature and cough. I couldn't get warm even lying in my bed with the electric blanket on and fully dressed.

However, it's a very bright and sunny day with a heavy frost and it's stunningly beautiful. I feel a bit better and went for a lovely walk. We went by the canal and talked about Paddy and his brothers. Nice.

He's everywhere we go and all around us.

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Mojito100 · 31/12/2014 13:16

How beautiful he is all around you and you and your DH can talk together about him. I hope you recover soon from the lurgy you have. The pictures you paint with your words are beautiful and make me feel like I'm there.

Have a peaceful new year and wishing you strength and joy in 2015.

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 31/12/2014 14:54

Not having a peaceful end to 2014. I feel so sad and miss Paddy terribly. I feel devastated that this is the last day I can say (even to myself) that I saw Paddy last year.

The lurgy doesn't help. I gave up and went to a doc today who diagnosed bronchitis.

Just feel so desperately sad. I can't even be bothered with the mask this afternoon. I just want to curl up.

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jenmac22 · 31/12/2014 20:16

Hi Lily, I hope your infection is easing, and your feel a little better.

I think I'm having the same kind of day as you, just terribly sad.
Hugging you tonight, and thinking of our boys, lots of love Jen x

Mojito100 · 31/12/2014 22:49

Hugs for you. It's not enough but all we have to give.

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 01/01/2015 07:32

Thank you for the hugs girls. Definitely helps. Sending you big hugs back. Thanks

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Mojito100 · 05/01/2015 05:12

I had the most peaceful morning yesterday sitting with my coffee in the sun and with dogs sprawled over me as the boys hung out with friends. I had this moment of complete peace when Paddy popped into my mind. I don't know why it was so tranquil but just sitting there thinking of him felt so right.

It's not enough that he is only in our thoughts but it felt like he was with me in some way and letting things be ok.

I hope you are recovering, taking it easy and looking after yourself. Be gentle.

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 05/01/2015 09:19

How lovely. Paddy is in my mind all the time. He would love hanging out with the boys and dogs. When he was a very little boy he said that when he grew up he was going to be a police dog!!!

Thank you thank you thank you. Thanks

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Mojito100 · 07/01/2015 02:54

Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you this morning. Had a session with CAHMS and had a few tears thinking about my DD which led me to think about you and your beautiful DS. Hope you are taking care.

x

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 07/01/2015 12:23

Hey Mojito.
Hope your CAHMS session was useful. Thank you for thinking of us.

We're all in France at the moment and DS1 found the cross that was the original marker for Paddy's grave. He and DS3 have come up with a plan to plant/install the cross up in our woods which is where they spent hours, days and weeks making dens when they were younger. He's found some stones which he's painted white to place around the base. We'll go up there this afternoon all together to install the cross and make a special place. I know I will cry. I'm just so pleased that they want to do this for their brother.

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Mojito100 · 07/01/2015 21:39

How beautiful that they want to do this.

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 12/01/2015 12:54

Dirge without Music:

“Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave

Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;

Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave

I know. But I do not approve.

AND I AM NOT RESIGNED.”

Edna St Vincent Millay

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jenmac22 · 14/01/2015 10:52

Thinking of you Lily. Thinking of Paddy xx

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 16/01/2015 00:14

Lily, I've just seen your post about what Paddy's brothers want to do for him in your woods. Just beautiful. Heart-breaking, but perfect. Of course you will cry. xx

Mojito100 · 16/01/2015 22:10

Flowers Cake Brew for you.

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 17/01/2015 07:35

Thank you very much Mojito.

I had a lovely birthday with my husband and we worked in the garden all day. I didn't have any of the boys with me, but I had a peaceful day.

Lots of love Thanks

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Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 20/01/2015 08:08

It's been a difficult couple of days. When Paddy died we couldn't donate his organs as he'd been dead for too long by the time he was found, but we were able to donate his heart valves. They took all the valves which we were told were excellent quality and would be used for life saving surgery for children or babies. We were really happy to think that there was going to be a part of Paddy still running around.

I have tried to contact the organ donor registration service to find out if they've been used, but haven't got any answers yet. I'd just like to know. What I'd really like would be to be able to contact the families and tell them about Paddy and how lucky they are to have a part of my boy. (Probably won't be able to do that but might be allowed to send a letter).

It's very hard.

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