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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Miss my son so much

739 replies

LilyTheSavage · 10/11/2013 15:36

My beautiful middle son died on 10th August in a tragic and needless accident. It's three months today and I feel just as bereft and weighted with grief and sorrow as I did the day he died. It's very hard to bear. There must surely be others who have had this happen too.

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Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 29/11/2014 07:01

I'm sitting in bed with a cuppa (back in the UK for a few days) and thinking. I feel quite peaceful at the moment. I have DS3 home from uni for the weekend which is so nice. He's the sweetest, kindest young man and is a joy to have around. DS1 had dinner with us last night and this evening we shall go out with DS1 and his wonderful girlfriend to celebrate their engagement. We are all overjoyed about this but there's a shadow underneath that DS2 isn't here with us to celebrate. He'd have been so pleased for his brother as they were very close.

I need to go and visit Paddy's grave today to make sure it's tidy. I find it so harrowing going, but it's worse if I think it doesn't look cared for. It makes me ache.

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Mojito100 · 30/11/2014 12:32

Congratulations to DS1 on his engagement. Special occasions generate such mixed emotions after a loved one has passed.

I hope you manage ok at his grave and have done time to chat to him. Flowers

Mojito100 · 03/12/2014 04:58

Oh Lily. I know what you mean about those horrific thoughts of how he passed. I have those of my DD. Nearly 6 years on and I still can't manage them and haven't dealt with them even though I regularly speak to someone about how I am going. I know what you mean about counselling. I use it because I believe it does help but I also haven't truly dealt with the passing of DD and sometimes wonder if I ever will. I just don't think it is as simple as unpacking everything that happened to them and to you and the emotions of it and then packing it away which is a simple way of looking at counselling.

You have nothing to lose by doing counselling, you can always stop, take a breather, or find a different counsellor. At the same time you may find it is just what you need.

Just don't be hard on yourself. Grief is horrific, ever changing and I think never ending. I'm not sure it stops it just seems to morph into different things/stages or so I am told. To someone who hasn't suffered as you have months (of grief) may feel like a long time. To someone who has suffered as you have years may seem like the shortest time ever.

Wish I could pop over and give you a damn good hug. Sending you virtual ones all the time.

Mojito100 · 03/12/2014 12:47

Lily - my odd message of earlier was because I was actually reading an earlier post of yours and for some reason thought it was a recent one. I need to read things more carefully before I write a response that potentially is garbled and confusing.

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 03/12/2014 13:54

Hi Mojito. I wasn't confused..... maybe that's just a reflection of how oddly my mind works (or doesn't work) these days.

Thank you also for your good wishes to DS1. His lovely fiancee and I are having fun planning stuff together. Very sadly, her mum died three years ago so isn't here, but she and I are very close and at least I can help her as much as I can. I've read so many MIL threads on AIBU that I am very, very wary of sticking my nose in. Scary stuff.

I think I'm getting a bit better at masking what I'm feeling. It doesn't change basically, but I'm now an oscar winning actress. Thanks

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jenmac22 · 05/12/2014 11:55

DS1's fiancee is so lucky to have you as her future MIL, and you her. Something special to look forward to.
It gets very exhausting wearing the mask, but I don't know what else to do, everyone just expects it I think, hope you are having a good enough day today x

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 05/12/2014 19:32

Thank you very much jenmac Thanks

I'm staying with Paddy's Godparents this evening and have already drunk too much with them. Grin Don't know if I'll feel quite so Grin in the morning. But we're having a very jolly evening in the meantime.

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Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 07/12/2014 20:25

Having gone from feeling very jolly and having fun on Friday evening, I've plummeted back down.

How can this happen so fast without any warning or particularly anything to trigger it? I am still so fragile. I am a fantastic actress but it doesn't take much to knock me right off my perch.

When will it stop. I'm so tired of feeling like this.

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Mojito100 · 08/12/2014 13:20

Unfortunately it doesn't stop for quite some time. One minute you're up and the next down. I always envisioned walking along a flat field as the "normal" times and then all of a sudden a huge, deep boggy hole would appear for me to fall in. It always felt like I was standing in the hole unable to climb out.

I think the only reason I'm not falling into such a deep hole is the anti-d's but just this weekend I had a feeling of loss that was numbed more than normal. I'm not sure I want the pain to be less as the loss of a child should hurt and to not feel it wrenching me apart feels like a betrayal of them.

I know how you feel. There is just so little you can do but hang on and go with the emotions.

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 10/12/2014 09:18

I don't want to go back to taking ADs as I felt quite numb for that time. I felt almost as if I shouldn't be feeling numb and wasn't mourning or missing him as much and that felt wrong for me. I'm really glad Mojito that the ADs work for you and are helping you to be able to help your DSs.

Just have to keep breathing.

On another note entirely, I had an email a few weeks ago telling me that I'd been nominated for a MN Secret Santa present. I was delighted to accept. My present arrived yesterday. The sweetest and most thoughtful letter that made me weep, together with an extremely generous present of M&S vouchers. I was told to use them to buy treats for my family and a wee something for me. The kindness of a complete stranger made me cry.... and several times since when I've thought about it again. How kind. How generous. How humbling.

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jenmac22 · 10/12/2014 11:27

Hi Lily,
I hope today is a little bit better. I felt the same with antidpressants, I hardly stayed on them any time, I felt like I couldn't cry, it was awful, but I wish they had helped me a little, anything to take away the havoc going on inside.

Aw so lovely for you to receive the gift, and what a thoroughly deserving recipient.

Mojito100 · 10/12/2014 14:02

How lovely was that gift. I get exactly why you felt so touched by it.

I know just what you guys mean re the anti-d's. I think they are helping my DS in a way as he is so sensitive to my moods but feeling numb at this time is not normal and it doesn't feel right. As hard as the loss is to bear not feeling the true emotion of it feels so wrong and disrespectful to my DD. I will stay on them for my boys sake but monitor it closely.

Hope you have managed to climb out of the hole or at least part way.

jenmac22 · 10/12/2014 14:43

Hi Mojito, if you being on them is helping your son then they are doing a good job, he needs his mum too, my youngest is also very sensitive to my mood and it really upsets him if there is anything at all wrong with me eg I'm losing weight, anything at all, he worries. Maybe numb is just the right way for you to be at this time for his sake. x

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 10/12/2014 19:21

Aaaahhhh, thanks both of you. I was really overwhelmed and felt so humbled by the donor's generosity.

I understand what you mean mojito about it not feeling respectful about hiding the true emotions that you are feeling, but you have seen the results of your ADs helping your mood swings and being able to help your DS2 that it is truly worth it. I really do believe this (and jenmac agrees with me). Our sons all need their mums..... jemnac wrote something on her thread about this and I completely understand and agree. How can we let our DSs think that they are in any way less important just because they are still here.

(jenmac - I know I'm being very superficial and shallow, but I'm really jealous that you've lost weight, even if grief is the reason. I've put it on.... how the hell does that work out then!!!! Grin)

The hole is a little shallower today. I've been out in the garden (in France again) raking up leaves which is a bottomless pit sort of job. I then went for un petit aperitif with my gorgeous elderly neighbour and she's been pouring port down my throat. Life looks fractionally less bleak when I'm a bit squiffy! I'm feeling really quite positive again and am planning to try and work my way through the endless vast list of jobs to do here.

Thank you both. ((HUGS))

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BuddyKringleberry · 10/12/2014 19:27

Oh you poor poor thing. I'm so sorry to hear you lost your precious son and I cannot imagine how you must feel to live every mothers worst nightmare.

I wish I knew some words to say to comfort you.

I'll be keeping you and all three of your sons in my prayers x

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 13/12/2014 15:18

Thank you Buddy.

This is a really tough time of the year when people go on and on about families being all together and Christmas etc etc etc. All the joy has been sucked out of it. I put on a bloody good act for the sake of my other two DSs but my heart's not really in it. I miss DS2 so much.

Time for an early aperitif I think. Wine

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Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 14/12/2014 19:08

Missing my Paddy very badly today. Everything just hurts so much.

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jenmac22 · 14/12/2014 20:43

I'm sorry Lily. I wish I could make it better for you, shitty horrible times. Sending you lots of love, and wishing you a deep sleep tonight and a little more strength tomorrow xxx

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 14/12/2014 21:18

You know just as well as me how shitty it is jenmac. Thanks for all your support. xxx

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Mojito100 · 20/12/2014 22:17

Thinking of you.

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 21/12/2014 10:21

Thanks mojito.
I was just saying to somebody else in our situation how grim this time of the year is when everybody is being so sodding jolly.

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Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 22/12/2014 16:49

"As we draw nearer to the holidays, our hearts become filled with a sort of anxiety that we can't quite explain. Yes, we're so happy for this beautiful season of love and good cheer and renewal. But, we also carry such an empty spot in our hearts that spot that only our child can fill. We weep silently as our hearts ache for the child we want to hold in our arms. One of the most difficult things is "family picture" time we are so vividly reminded of the absence of our child. Life is never the same, and most certainly the holidays are never, ever the same when child loss has occurred. This is such a bittersweet time of the year for parents and families of child loss!"

I've been to the churchyard today to tidy up Paddy's grave. It looks very forlorn and bare as we've all be overseas working. We now have a small Christmas tree to put on his grave, a plant and I'm going to make a beautiful wreath tomorrow. We shall go again on Christmas Eve and have candles in lanterns to shine through the night for our boy. I miss him so much.

His death has left a gaping hole in my heart.

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Mojito100 · 22/12/2014 22:05

Wish I was there to give you a big hug.

magimedi · 22/12/2014 23:09

I've just read your whole thread, Lily as I 'met' you on another sad thread.

My heart goes out to you, I can not begin to imagine your pain.

I will light a candle for Paddy on 24/12.

Isabeller · 22/12/2014 23:13

I can't imagine how you feel really but what I can imagine is bringing tears to my eyes, sending love Flowers