Miss my son so much

[LilyTheSavage]

My beautiful middle son died on 10th August in a tragic and needless accident. It's three months today and I feel just as bereft and weighted with grief and sorrow as I did the day he died. It's very hard to bear. There must surely be others who have had this happen too.

Thanks Citizen.

Missing Paddy very badly today. I really haven't managed very well at all. Everything hurts so much. The thing is, I'm going on holiday with my DH soon and I'm really looking forward to it, but the bottom line is that I just miss my boy.

sending you so much love, and hoping tomorrow will be a bit better.
You will enjoy your time away Lily, I promise. xxxx

Thanks jen. Yesterday was a very tough day for no particular reason. The sun was shining and I should have been fine, but I wasn't. It's scary how up and down this can be. I feel a bit brighter this morning. Hope it lasts.

Sending hugs and love your way Lily. I haven't made it to MN over the last couple of days so missed your post. Those times of aching loss are indescribable.

Thanks Mojito. I just rode it out and spent most of those few days crying on and off all day.

Aching loss is indescribable and so dark.

Hope things are ok for you today.

op you are one brave lady. You are living my nightmare. The pain you must feel will be unmeasurable xxx

Hi Mojito. Today was ok thanks. I survived another day. I even enjoyed parts of it without that invidious guilty feeling creeping in. Hope your days was ok. Hurrah for the weekend.

Hi holidays.
Thank you for your message. Yes it is every parents' worst nightmare and nothing we feel is measurable or quantifiable.

Good friends help ease the burden when we reach out. Doesn't take it away - nothing could, but sharing is comforting. Thanks.

It's glorious weather here at the moment. I have a house full of kids who have been having so much fun together. It has been wonderful but I just realised I haven't raised my coffee cup to Paddy in a while. I'm going to sit in my favourite chair in the house tomorrow, listen to the laughter and chatter of the kids and take a moment to recognise your beloved son.

Aw, thank you so much Mojito. I'll raise my coffee cup tomorrow morning to you and your beautiful DD too. It's been gorgeous weather here and I've been spending a lot of time out in the garden which is peaceful and soothing.

Thinking of you.

I sat this morning in my favourite chair with a coffee (my tipple of choice) and thought about you, your family and Paddy. I know how heartbreaking this journey you are on is. It tears you apart inside yet you continue to go on and through the motions trying to find joy in those around you yet holding an aching heart at the same time. Some days seem more bearable than others but that is because we measure it on a different scale to what we had before. I hope you are taking comfort wherever you can. Thinking if you.

My morning was peaceful while I thought of you all and it was lovely to be reminded of why we keep going as the kids voices floated through the house from the different locations they were. Nothing is more precious.

Thanks Mojito. Tearing you apart inside just about covers it. I'm back in Kenya and so many memories are flooding back..... how Paddy used to drive down Thigiri Ridge and knew exactly where the potholes were, how he used to chat to the guards, how he made mojitos.... and the list goes on. Everything I do is touched by memories of Paddy in Kenya. He loved working and living here. It's the first time I've been back here since he died and I haven't found the memories yet that bring comfort.

I'm glad you had a peaceful morning. The noise of children playing happily together is a lovely sound.

I am up and dressed and functioning with a smile on my face - albeit a fake smile.

Sometimes the mask does help us get through.

Just checking in. Hope you are managing with all the memories you have where you are.

You made me smile thinking about Paddy and the potholes and chatting to the guards. Sad never to have had a mojito that he made though. As Nat would say let the warmth of the sun warm your back and feel happy. Xxx

I sat today and had coffee thinking of you and Paddy.

Thanks olympics and Mojito. Been thinking about Paddy so much here. Funnily enough, I've been thinking about the day he was born and how beautiful he was.

Love to you both.

I've been thinking of you a lot lately and know how hard those memories would have been for you. They are such precious memories I am sure you treasure but also so hard to have flash through your mind.

That's exactly it Mojito. I think about Paddy all the time and I love to think about him and I really love it when other people talk about him, but it makes me cry.... but I still love it. Very confusing for anybody who's around me I think.

(Just for the record, I think about all my boys all the time and sometimes it's surprising that there's space left for anything else in my head at all).

hello Lily, I have just read through this thread, and i just wanted to send you my condolences, and to let you know that i am thinking of you.
I am so sorry this happened to you and your family. Your loves shines through, and well I dont know what else to say but that i wanted you to know i had read and felt your pain.

Thanks minky

Looking at photos of him with his brothers, or looking at photos of him whatever just brings everything hurtling back with hideous clarity. I wouldn't wish this on anybody.

i am so sorry. x

Lying in bed before the weekend starts and thinking of you. Any time of the year is tough but Christmas has an added edge I find. Hope you are ok.