Miss my son so much

[LilyTheSavage]

My beautiful middle son died on 10th August in a tragic and needless accident. It's three months today and I feel just as bereft and weighted with grief and sorrow as I did the day he died. It's very hard to bear. There must surely be others who have had this happen too.

It's good to hear from you. I just wanted to check in and see how you are as you have been offering me such amazing support lately. I'm not sure if I have said this before but I used to get homesick when it was winter time and was so happy when it was summer. After DD passed I found summer, at times, made me so sad as I remembered all those beautiful summer days we had together. Things change so much after the loss of a loved one and what was normal before is at times so different after.

I think you are so amazingly strong and hope you can find some level of peace being where you are. I forgot to recognise the 10th of the month last week as I know this is such a tough time for you. I'm thinking of you now.

I know what you mean about fuckwits as there are times when I have slightly more patience than others but boy if you catch me when my resilience is low then watch out. I've always been pretty direct but on a bad day they can cop it with both barrels. I don't have a lot of patience for idiocy and even less now that I know how precious life is and that every moment needs to be seized.

Continue to take care of yourself and I hope you are finding the gardening therapeutic.

Just checking in to see how you are. Grief is exhausting so I hope you are finding time for yourself be it keeping busy or being still.

Hi. I'm really not doing so well this evening. I haven't been doing so well for a few weeks if I'm honest. I don't feel well. I don't feel like eating - it makes me feel sick. I'm keeping busy working hard in the garden but I miss my boy too much tonight. I am really tired and miserable. My parents are staying at the moment but I just want to be on my own so have come to bed at a ridiculously early time pleading sickness just to get some space. Just going round in relentless, busy circles. Keeping busy is better than being still where there's too much thinking space.

I'm turning into a self-centred bitch.

You are not self centred. Your darling boy has been gone for such a short time yet it will feel like an eternity. It is not possible to have the energy we need every day to keep going on. It is only just a short time since you marked the anniversary of his passing. Be kind to yourself as it can be harder after times like this than on those days we mark as remembrance days.

I always find the times you hold yourself together so draining it is not physically possible to keep doing it afterwards. Nothing I say can make it better but do take time just for yourself. I hope you find some solitude to let your feelings flow.

I've survived the visit! It's been such hard work as I feel I have to put on an act which I've not done very well at all. I feel as if I want to be on my own to grieve. I can't cope with theirs as well. It sounds as if I wasn't pleased to have them here, but I really was. Probably didn't show it though. A wise friend once said to me "you can only do as much as you can do".

Early bed for me.

Lily - I completely get how you feel. My parents have been wonderful yet I don't share my grief with them or in front of them and my dad's grief was so overwhelming that at times I needed to be solitary to cope with my own emotions. Their support has been wonderful yet at the same time I feel I have to manage and put on the act as you say to support them through their grief. I get it. I figure if you feel the way I have/do then others must also go through the same thing too.

That's EXACTLY it Mojito. I can't cope with their grief, although my Mother's is much more restrained. I sometimes feel my Father would like me to be crying and sobbing and needing comforting. I'm very choosy who I am able to share my own mourning with. And it's not really them.

Can only do as much I as can do.

I'm choosy too. It's easier to share my grief on MN than to people in real life. I think it's easier for them and for me as so many feel so awkward when you do share. I know some find it hard that others don't respond the right way but if they have not grieved it must be an incredibly daunting thing to try to understand. Here on MN it is understood and that true solace can be offered as it is understood. Take care.

Just checking in. Hope you are ok.

Hi. I've been trying to keep busy but great waves of sadness just keep coming up from nowhere. I find I'm gardening and am suddenly in tears. I'm playing my piano and the same thing happens. All sorts of everything triggers weeping and it's so random. I sometimes feel I'm losing my mind.

Keeping busy is the way ahead. Thinking time is dangerous.

I had and still do have those times. The random tears are less often but they still occur. Out of the blue you are all if a sudden crying with no ability to understand what set you off. There are other times as well when I can feel the emotion welling up and need to let it out, sometimes I can and other times I can't. There was many a time I would find myself in tears at odd times. I think the tears help let the emotion out but at times it was quite excruciating.

hello lily. Been off taking a break, but have been thinking of you. I do think dealing with other people's grief is hard - it can be a huge burden, especially when you are weighted down already. And when, like me, you think "I know you are sad, but you didn't lose your own child…" Sometimes, I just had nothing to give. So don't feel bad. Your friend is right, you can only do what you can do. I would also add "Guilt is over-rated." xx

Hello Lily - just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you. Our family has suffered several dreadful losses over the past year but thankfully not one of the children. My ds1 is 20 and had an accident recently that could easily have maimed him for life or even killed him. As it is he's off work for 12 weeks but will make a full recovery eventually.

Thanks girls.
You're right about the random tears Mojito. That was one of the reasons I decided not to take ADs any more. It just numbed me too much and I felt as if I wasn't "feeling" any more. At least when the worst of the sadness hits me I'm thinking of Paddy.

Hi Mia's. You are quite right, but I do need to cut my father some slack and be a bit kinder and more tolerant. Maybe I just need to give myself some space and then I can deal with it/him better.

53dragon - thank you for your kind message. I'm glad your DS1 is ok. Just hug him very hard. Tell him why if you need to!

Thanks Lily. He's quite a soft old thing and we're very close. He's a sporty type so very frustrated that he can't do anything for 12 weeks in case he falls on his damaged arm. But fortunately he's taking a sensible long-term view and not doing anything he shouldn't

Take each day as it comes - you won't ever get over your loss but you will get used to it. Your precious son sounds as though he lived life to the full and he wouldn't want you and your other sons to put your lives on hold because of what happened xx

Thinking if you.

53Dragon..... I really don't think you have any idea what you're talking about. How could I possibly get used to doing without my boy? Which one of your children do you think you could get used to doing without?

Mojito - thank you as always. xx

LilyTheSavage - apologies - my comment was meant kindly I assure you. I have 2 friends who lost adult children several years ago so yes I have shared their tears. To start with the pain of loss was constant and that sadness never leaves you, but the passage of time allows you to adjust - to value your other children and grieve for the one you have lost without it consuming your thoughts so constantly. So no I don't know exactly what that feels like but I've heard what 2 people close to me have said and their experiences are similar. Always to grieve and to wish that events had followed a different path but that their feelings don't overwhelm them constantly now. Hence 'get used to' not 'get over'. You never 'get over' it I understand that

Maybe its more that we become resigned to the knowledge that our beautiful children are gone, forever. I will never get used to the gut wrenching, most painful overwhelming sadness that means my darling boy is gone. I lost David on the 23rd December 2012, he occupied a third of my heart, his 2 brothers the other parts. He was our sunshine. Its like a bomb was placed in the centre of our family and blew us apart. We are desperately trying to come back together, but always with the aching knowledge David is missing. I feel pain every day, all day. I feel cheated, and my boys are cheated. It is just too cruel.

It is 20 years this year since my beautiful boy left us. Matthew was 14, our only child, he walked into our garden and collapsed and died instantly, no warning. 4 years later we had triplets through ivf, they are now 16. 20 years later I dont very often cry, I spent the first 7 years doing that, I find the thing that upsets me the most now is seeing his friends who are now in their 30s, married, some have children. I miss him every single day, I still get angry inside that his life is gone. It changed everything forever. People see me with my trio and think it makes everything "better". I have never stopped talking about him, love the opportunity to, any stranger anywhere........just to be able to speak his name. My dh dealt with it so differently, he bottled it all up, gets upset with me if he finds me having the odd tear. The other day I was looking for a recipe, I picked up a book I haven`t used for years, inside it is said
"To Mummy Happy Christmas Love from Matthew December 1986" it broke my heart. My dh has battled cancer for the last 6 years, he is about to be diagnosed with Parkinsons Disease possibly triggered by the awful chemotherapy, I am sure losing Matthew has contributed to his health problems. Life is very cruel and unfair, but I know Matthew would want me to live it for him as full as I can. I try, I look out of my window and still see the sun and feel its warmth and know that life is still worth living. Love to you all. xx

Checking in Lily to see how you are.

Yesterday I saw one of my friends who lost an adult son five years ago. He referred to 'my late son [name]' which seemed so sad. He speaks warmly of him but distinguishes him from his living children even when talking of events from their childhood.

Dragon - thank you for your comments and apology, both graciously and gratefully accepted.

jenmac - nice to see you on here. I think you explain exactly how it is with one of the parts of your heart now missing. As another mother of three boys you know just how it is. The wrenching asunder of your family is hard to bear.

• I'm very sorry about Matthew. What a hideous shock for you. I too find it very hard when I see Paddy's friends graduating, going on holidays, posting pictures of them with their friends - all laughing and having fun - and I think "you should be there too". I love talking about Paddy but am careful with balancing talking about his brothers too. I would hate for them to feel that they are not as important as he is. I'm sorry too to hear that your husband is battling health problems. I too wonder what Paddy's death has done to us.
• I'm managing ok thanks. I will pm you.

Thanks everybody for your care and kindness.

and hope you are managing.

Hi Lily
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my brother nine years ago and the grief is still intense although time does help to learn to cope with it better. For a long time I did not talk about him or what happened to him. My parents didn't talk about it do neither did I. That made my grief do much worse. Only recently I have managed to talk about him and it has helped me enormously.
All the best.