Misty breeze wraps about my shoulders, thinly clad. I shiver not, despite the coolness on my skin. Comfort, I now feel. Is it you my precious Angel?

[chipmonkey]

Starting a new thread for our angel babies
Sylvie-Rose 16/8/11 to 4/10/11 too short my love, too short.

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

You are just the best, expat and lavandes.

white we ran away from Christmas last year. No presents, nothing. We were actually travelling on Christmas Day, and our Christmas lunch was nothing special, if not weird - beans and rice, mixed with a side of pasta!?! Being on the plane was hard, as it was filled with families and excitement and expectation, just as we were with Mia the year before going out to Australia. Yet the trip was what we needed - it was an escape which turned into a holiday. It's ok to do something different, if it's going to get you through a tough time.

[My5boysandme]

Expat I think it's lovely you remember all our children when you light your candle

I'm also dreading Christmas, but I have to have it as normal for the boys. I don't want them to remember the first Christmas without Dexter as sad, even tho it will be iykwim. I'm planning on going down to the grave with Dh, may take some balloons.

I've just ordered this for my tree
www.thememorytree.co.uk/christmas-keepsakes.html#PhotoSwipe1353780753414
It comes in a special box with tissue paper to keep it safe throughout the year. You get it with different pictures on it, I went for stars as Dexters headstone will have a shooting star on it.

Dexters foundation for his headstone was cemented this week, so hopefully it will mean his headstone may be up before Christmas, although we were told January ish.

[whiteandyelloworchid]

hi everyone, feeling a bit brighter today, i actually saw the same persons again today,at the pool, as i took dd, i don't live in the gym! but i pretended not to see her

one thing that cheered me was dd swimming the whole length of the pool 25 metres unaided, which i thought was great.
then we had lunch then watched brave

just thought i'd better post something a bit more positive

been thinking about things today and although, there maybe friends i lose because they basically can't handle the new me, there will more friends i will gain, on here and through sands etc that i would never have met if we never had ds
so theres some really really special peole that have actually come into my life since we lost ds and that i will try to remind myself of.

and although i feel so isolated in my day to day life, i know i'm not alone, and i can talk to you guys anytime

five boys wow thats beautiful, i really like that

think a holiday would do all three of us the world of good, but funds are tight at the moment,perhaps a wekend away or day out or something to look forward to would help

[whiteandyelloworchid]

here i really love this

[My5boysandme]

Orchid I really like that, but we have more names than would fit on it, I'm sure I'd be able to get something like it made elsewhere.

[whiteandyelloworchid]

fiveboys, yeah it might be possible to make your own, or get one made alot lot cheaper, and fit all your names on.

how are you doing?

[My5boysandme]

Pretty crappy tbh. I seem to be 2 people at the moment, the strong mum that everyone sees, and the real me who is a bloody mess when I'm on my own. I seem to put on my game face at the front door in the morning.

I have 2 befrienders from the Scottish cot death trust that I've been emailing, they have been fantastic it's so good to talk to people who are going through this hell too.

How are things with you? I'm really sorry to hear what your 'friend' said, it was really horrid. I wish these people could walk a mile in our shoes to see how bloody hard it really is. Do they really think we want to feel like this we have no control over how we feel day to day.

This may make no sense, but it comforts me, the pain I feel every day is worth it, it means Dexter was here, he was loved and he loved us back.

[whiteandyelloworchid]

fiveboys, no that makes total sense to me, the 2 perosn thing, i do that too.
on the school run etc, i put on my best smile to face the world, then in the middle of the night, the small hours i am a mess, i still find the nights the hardest
people say your so brave etc and you feel like a fake, i say well you dont see me at 2am
you sort of feel bad if you show how you feel, as people tell you to be grateful for what you do have, which of course we are
or if you put on a brave face, you feel people will think your a heartless cow
it can feel like a no win situation

i'm glad you have some befrienders, is there loss as recent as yours?
i have two people from sands i talk to alot
it helps me alot
and everyone on here
do you go to any support groups?
i havent yet, but im thinking of it.
its weird but its like i cant face it
at the moment

now ive had a bit of time to reflect i'm a bit pissed off with that friend, i think im going ot avoid her for a while

your so right, do people actually think we want to feel this sad, never knowing if we will have a good or bad day, never knowing when we might just suddenly burst into tears

yes i get what you mean about wanting to feel the pain, i totally understand that
dexter loves you and you love him back that is very true
reminds me of part of the poem we had at ds funeral, not sure if ive already told you about that poem, but it has a fab line that sums that sentiment up

hang on i shall get it brb xx

[whiteandyelloworchid]

When tomorrow starts without me and I am not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me.
I wish so much you wouldn?t cry the way you did today,
While thinking of the many things we didn?t get to say.
THIS LINE @@ I know how much you love me, as much as I love you,

AND THIS @@ And each time you think of me and I?ll know you miss me too.
But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand.
And said my place was ready in heaven above,
And that I?d have to leave all those I dearly love.

So when tomorrow starts with out me, don?t think we are far apart,
For every time you think of me, I?m right here I?m your heart

those parts remind me of what you were saying

[My5boysandme]

Yy to the heartless cow, I said to dh people must think I'm a cold hearted bitch as I don't show the real me.

That poem is lovely, sums up what I was trying to say.

The befrienders one lost their baby 5 years ago, and one just last year. The one who's baby died last year has 3 older children, it helps being able to talk about how it affects them and what they did.

[My5boysandme]

A friend sent me this, had me crying.

A mother has a baby This we know is true. But, God, can you be a mother when your baby is not with you?

Yes, you can He replied, With confidence in His voice. I give many women babies When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime, And others just for a day. And some I send to feel your womb, But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here. He took a breath and cleared His throat And then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you What your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile With other children and say:

"We go to earth to learn our lessons Of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a mom Who has so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly, My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy Oh so much, But I visit every day. When she goes to sleep On her pillow is where I lay.

[expatinscotland]

No, no support groups or anything but talking to others who've lost their children.

There's no real in-person support in this rural area.

We just stumble along.

She died at 11.25PM on Saturday.

Tomorrow will be one year since her diagnosis.

[whiteandyelloworchid]

oh that poem is lovely.

yes it is really hard to find people tp talk to about how it effects your living children, as most people think they are not that affected

even yesterday, dd was cryign about ds, saying when adults die, do they do to heaven and not come back, liek how babies do not come back.
i'm glad she feela ble to talk to us and ask questions though
she also asked me to read the book, we were gonna have a baby but we had an angel instead, and she had a good old cry, but has seemed brighter today.
yet to the outside world they think shes not affected at all and she is, she had her won hopes and dreams, and now thsi has happend to all of us.
dd also feels our pain i know she does, like yesterday i was upset about what this person had said, and perhaps i was quieter than normal, and i know dd can sense my pain, despite my best efforts beacuse its funnyhow she was feeling the pain yesterday when i was
shes a fantastic girl and very caring and sensitive, but i worry alot about what long term effect this could have on her.
i ddnt want her to have all experenced all this hurt and upset, i wanted her childhood full of love and wonderful times and not to have experienced death at sucha young age
probably my biggest worry along with worrying about how do you live with this sadness forever

the two friends i know from sands, dont have any other children other than the boys they lost.

when dd was crying yesterday, i just say to her its normal to feel sad when someone we love dies, but we will love ds forever even though he is dead and he will love us too
always
and i just cuddle her and let her, let it all out
today shes some a sticking picture for ds that she wants to send up to heaven ona balloon, i think we will do that tomorrow

how are ypur other children doing?

expat, i'm sure your mind must me going wild, it feels to me like these type of anniversary are almost like reliving it all in someway.becuse you can't help but think this time last year this was happening
((()))))
have you lit a's candle?
what time do you normally go to bed?

[expatinscotland]

I lit her candle earlier today, but will again after midnight as I don't usually go to bed till quite late.

[whiteandyelloworchid]

i thought you were a bit of a night owl like myslef

did you get a special candle for A?

i was looking at the link five boys posted earlier and theres a tealight/candle holder, that you can have a name on and then snowflakes, i was thinking of trying to make my own, in hobbycraft you can get silver letters, and probably some sort of silver snowflake stickers, i could get dd to help me

[whiteandyelloworchid]

i got one for ds when he was blessed from the chaplin, but i want ot keep that one and not use it iyswim, so i would like to get one for ds that i can use

[expatinscotland]

I made her one from her tea mug.

[whiteandyelloworchid]

oh yeah thats right, you have told me that before, but you know what im like with my concentration issues!
forgive my forgetfulness
oh yes thats really lovely, and so personal.
was it difficult to do?

[expatinscotland]

It's super easy. I ordered a bag of soya wax shavings and wicks on Ebay. You light another candle and secure the wick to the bottom of whatever you're using as a candleholder with molten wax. Then melt the shavings in a pan placed in another pan of boiling water, add whatever scent you wish and pour into the candleholder and leave to harden.

You can even resuse the wax after your candle burns out by freezing the candleholder, popping out the wax and remelting it.

Today is a year since Aillidh's diagnosis. Spent it hanging out with the kids and having a good clear out. 3 bags to cloth recycling, a bag of outgrown uniforms for the school and a huge bag of kids' clothing in excellent condition for Bernardo's.

Will light her candle again tonight and say her litany.

[whiteandyelloworchid]

That sounds lovely expat, really nice and sounds fairly easy to do.
Sounds like you've done an excellent kid today.
Been thinkjng of you.

Do any of you find going to children's partys difficult? Dd had one today and I found it really hard what do you guys do? Just not stay? Dh thinks I should just not stay

[My5boysandme]

Thinking of you today expat

Orchid the boys have been invited to a few parties recently, but we've just not gone, can't face it, plus I've never been able to just leave them at parties, always felt to guilty.

[whiteandyelloworchid]

Kid? Sorry excuse my phone, I ment job.

[whiteandyelloworchid]

Five boys what do you do. Get your dh to drop and go? X or does your dh stay

[expatinscotland]

I drop DD2 at parties now, as she's nearly 7. DS has only been invited to two and DH took him.

[My5boysandme]

No birthday parties always fall to me. Usually it's fine, but recently just not up to taking them.