Misty breeze wraps about my shoulders, thinly clad. I shiver not, despite the coolness on my skin. Comfort, I now feel. Is it you my precious Angel?

[chipmonkey]

Starting a new thread for our angel babies
Sylvie-Rose 16/8/11 to 4/10/11 too short my love, too short.

white I am furious on your behalf.

What an absolute dick that woman is.

If she has one ounce of compassion she will be sitting thinking about all the stupid things she said to you right now and kicking herself.

If she does say anything to you again just say 'I don't wish to discuss it after last time thank you'

I can tell you that my daughter died from an undiagnosed genetic disorder. Although they didn't know, and still don't know, what exactly it was, and they didn't find anything wrong with her chromosones (they said it was possibly in the 3% of dna they know nothing about yet) it still has was marked down on her death certificate as a genetic disorder (I can't remember the exact wording) so they would absolutely be able to tell if it was a genetic thing.

I am also not sure how far down the line you are, but I am 14 years and 6 years into this now and you don't sound clinically depressed to me. You sound like a 'normal' (for want of a better word) grieving mother. I go through phases now where its mostly good days, although I still think of my babies all the time, but then something will set off a memory or an angelversary or birthday will be coming up and I will have a really shitty few days or week.

Please be gentle on yourself and don't take to heart anything people like that woman say. This is your reality, its not a 'problem' to be solved by some idiot. (((HUGS)))

I'm actually dreading have to be around my mother and her sighing and tutting.

She was like this before Aillidh died and has got even worse now.

I can't wait to decamp to my sisters and eat pizza and drink beer and watch crap telly without her tutting about how we're eating and drinking too much (that's why you're fat blah blah blah).

'oh she also said ive got a black hole in my heart now, and i should have another baby'

That's a horrid thing to say, too. We have friends whose 19-month-old son died of cancer. It took three years to conceive him and he was their only child.

They have been unable to conceive again despite IVF.

Imagine how heartbreaking it is for someone to hear a comment like this when they have not only lost a child but also are infertile.

i think i'm going to try and avoid her as much as possible.
i just wish i didn't really say anything to her now other than, i'm okish thanks
perhaps thats what i should say next time
not get drawn into disscussing things
i rarely see meet up with her these days, yet i could easily bump into her.

i can't see why the drs would tell me theres a minscule chance of this happening again, and that in their opinion its chance occurance not genetic if that wasnt true as i'm sure they do not like dealing with all this stuff either

i totally agree people want me to be over it, to move on as they can't handle the new me, im too heavy for them.
as they can't face how uncomfortable it makes them

just wish i hadnt said anything to her, oh well ive have no so guess i will have to chalk it up to experience

i dont think anti ds will help me personally at all, all i think the would do for me is delay the greiving process, and then when i get off them eventually, i will feel as shit as i do now, i'd rather just go through it if i can

yes this is my reality, my life and i think others forget that, we deal with the 24/7 for the rest of our lives.
they can't cope with a tiny amount of time being uncomfortable

thanks for the listening and understanding
good to get it off my chest a bit

expat, i can see why you moved so far away now you mum sounds like a nightmare.
glad you have yoour sister for real support

on thinking about what this friend said to me today, the part that really telling, is when she said something, about the way you deal with it, will depend on whever i get over it or not.
really that sums it up
the total lack of understanding is there in one nutshell

Hello all. I'm so sorry to read that the dhacs have been making their presence felt again :( You are doing brilliantly white - it took me months and months before I could even contemplate doing something like a spa day & even now I worry about what questions I'll be asked. As for focusing on what we've got: yeah, great - haven't people noticed that huge, child-shaped hole?

Just thought I'd pop by to update you on my job. Everything was looking really bad - I absolutely believed that I would have to leave & my career would be finished. I had a meeting with my manager & someone else that started off with lots of tension, but I kept thinking of everything we've been through as a family & how my DS would not want me to walk away without standing up for myself (& I prayed...) And it worked! Suddenly, for no real reason, my boss apologised & offered me a complete change of role which would mean I could do the things I'm best at, rather than trying to do something I had said repeatedly I wasn't trained for. I can't really believe it! Many thanks for your thoughts & prayers - I am sure they helped.

thanks so much for your help and support everyone, can't tell you how much you help pull me through xx
thankyou

helyantha, great to hear you good news, its very encouraging to hear, really pleased for you

Oh, Helyantha, I really am so relieved for you! Sometimes prayers and positive thoughts do seem to work. ( If only they worked in keeping our children alive!) Maybe your angel worked some magic for you?

Chip I'm convinced he did work some magic - it's certainly felt like it this week!

Excellent news, Hely!

white, so glad you are here and we can be here for one another.

Can I just say thank you for all your words of experience - all of you?

I haven't posted much yet, only to tell you about my beautiful disabled son who died suddenly 4 months ago, aged 16. Today I have been so sad. Although I hate, hate, hate it that I am in the bereavement section, life is just slightly less dreadful because you share your experiences. Thank you

I have also recently had 'helpful' suggestions that I should give myself 'until the end of October' and then get over it (it's November and I still haven't got over it), and that the inquest must have given me 'closure'. I heard from an old friend for the first time today - I had been surprised not to hear from her at all when my son died. Her card was part of a group mailing, selling her husband's artwork. She had scrawled a hasty 'sorry for your loss' on the back of her sales pitch. Shockingly crass.

Having said all that, I am keen to appreciate how good and thoughtful most people have been, even people who don't know us that well and I haven't held back from telling people how I feel. I have completely avoided big social events and too many strangers. When my son was born with his disabilities, I became very bitter for a long time about people who crossed the road to avoid me. Over time, I mellowed and tried to remember that most people mean well and some just have no idea how to cope with their own feelings. I had to admit that I might have been one of the useless people if faced with the same situation. Grief gets most of us - one day they will learn.

wtf, you were given a time limit, Vera? Who even thinks like that? How could anyone have imagined you would be able to wake up on the 1st of November and think "Righteo, that's my grieving done now, what's for breakfast?"

I think people don't know what to say to "fix" the grief so they would prefer if we just got over it.

And you really do get to find out who your friends are. And sadly who aren't really your friends.

Top Tips Don't expect us ever to get over it

yes chip, you do get to know your true friends - and sometimes make new ones - as the old ones who can't cope with your new self disappear. I do wonder who will still listen in two or three or four years time when I still haven't got over my beautiful boy

'I do wonder who will still listen in two or three or four years time when I still haven't got over my beautiful boy '

There was a sad thread on here a couple of months back, from an OP whose son had been born still three years ago, and she wanted to mark his birthday with her friends.

Sadly, the vast majority of people told her to just mark the occassion with close family, to move on, that people are uncomfortable since it's been three years, etc etc.

Wow. Hope it never happens to them, then.

I wonder what things will be like in a few years' time too. I remember that thread too, expat, and it sounded big alarm bells for me. I was so sad for that poor mother.

Hey, we'll still have each other, folks!

True.

We are 2 years 7 months down this crappy path and I still cannot face Christmas as it was before (going to stay wherever Richard was working, lots of brilliant times) so this year we are taking our grandsons to a holiday park, (we have been there before), and having a 'HI DE HI' Christmas. Grandsons are looking forward to it which is all that matters. I honestly couldn't care less, we will all be together it doesn't matter where we are but it will be completely different from past Xmases's so I will be able to face it, for me it is all about self preservation , selfish I know but this is how it is for now x

Oh, we do! Hope you ladies don't mind, but I have a litany of our children's names, and their birth and death dates, when possible, to remember, and to speak their names every Saturday at 11.25PM, the time of Aillidh's death of 7/7/12.

yeah i alos dread the thought of how people will be after 1, 2 3 4 etc years, if they are like this after 9 months

lavandes, sounds like a really good idea, to get away ona break.
i might think about that next year if this year is too difficult

expat, i don't mind at all, i'm really touched
thank you

I light a candle every Friday, Saturday and Sunday for our Richard and all our children and I have for the past 2 years 7 months. xx if we are away I try to go to a church and light a candle. xx

Thanks, lavandes! babywhites name is included, of course, whites.

Adding Richard's name, lavandes!