Misty breeze wraps about my shoulders, thinly clad. I shiver not, despite the coolness on my skin. Comfort, I now feel. Is it you my precious Angel?

[chipmonkey]

Starting a new thread for our angel babies
Sylvie-Rose 16/8/11 to 4/10/11 too short my love, too short.

hello. It's been quiet on here. I hope you are all surviving. I am, but I wonder when I will stop thinking about Sean every single minute of every single day..? I don't want to stop

Morning girls xx

Saint I still think about my boys constantly but not with as much sadness as I used to do. I now smile when I think about them and remember the better times. xx

shabba that is so comforting xxx I hope to get there one day and at the moment, I think I might. But I know I am just starting out on this journey.

I'm not there yet, SaintVera and it's been a year and 3 months for us. It is getting slowly better though. xx

chip that must seem an age. Six months has been like ten years. I am so glad you sense some improvement.

The pain really frightened me in the first few months. It was so shocking and I had never experienced anything like it. I really thought I might end up being sectioned, or even - in my darkest times - taking my own life.

Recently, I have in some ways become accustomed to the pain; it is part of who I am and just goes where I go. I don't fight it, apart from trying to keep moving and keep busy if I feel my mood getting very low.

I'm off to bed with my hot water bottle (small comforts are important). Sleep well all x

Oh, it seems so slow compared to all the time that went before!

It's a little bit like BC versus AD.
For us, it's BS or AS. But I did feel a sense of relief once the first year was over. I just felt it that there could never be a worse year.

It is a dividing line between one life and another, isn't it chip. We have BS and AS too..

A friend's sister died a couple of days ago. I was aware that I felt sad for my friend and her family - especially the parents - but I did not think about the person who died much as I didn't know her. It made me very aware of the loneliness of grief, because although grief is a universal experience, we all grieve for someone different. I can't share her grief, and she can't share mine. We connect because we understand something of how it feels

I think I am rambling. Night chip x

Night, Vera xx

Afternoon ladies,
a very wise lady once posted
"one step in fron of the other and don't forget to breathe."

I am doing as I am told and trying this every day.

Well we made it through Christmas and New Year, onward and upward as they say. Hope everyone is well. Take care.

Hi Charleymouse!

Hiya charley - its the only way to get through this my friend.....keep on walking and breathingxxxxx

You lovely ladies dropped off my TIO list!
How are we all? X

muddling through, Blue!
How are you?

Hello Blue and chip. I am missing the busyness of this board as it has gone so quiet after the holidays. I feel lonely. I am lucky enough to have DH to talk to and hold and friends to talk to, though I don't know other parents who have lost a child, except on here.

I am having a very tearful day. Sixteen years is a long time to love a child only to lose them. I am struggling.

saintvera sixteen years is a long time, so struggling is completely normal... have a virtual hug from me. I haven't been on here much as I am going through a 'blocked' phase where I am feeling quite numb, and I have also been consumed by family busy-ness, and of course, Finn. (and the latest MN mobile isn't very user-friendly!) But have a good cry, and go and do something nice for yourself, and then come on here and tell us more. There is always someone here to listen when we need help... x

Oh, Vera >> I'm sorry it's been quiet here. But just post and someone will always answer. Or if you ever want to pm me, feel free.
Sylvie-Rose was only a baby but she had been hard work. 6 weeks of NICU and SCBU, then at home, I was expressing/feeding/sterilising endlessly.
When she died, I had nothing to do. I did have the boys but my Mum was there. What I wouldn't have given to be run ragged again!

Totally, totally normal way to feel Saint. I can only say this on here because if I actually said it out loud in real life people would think I was horrible.......Gareth was 7 months old when he died and Matt was almost 8 when he was knocked down and killed. The sadness was intense when Gareth died - I grieved for that little baby like I had never grieved before....But when Matt died Oh my word when Matt died....the whole house went silent, he was the noisiest kid in the world. We all sat there not knowing what to say or what to do. He had almost 8 years of life and he made his stamp on the world. The grief for my boys was the same and totally different all at the same time.

Thank you ladies xxx

I know what you mean by the numbness Mias. My recent numbness shield has disintegrated and I am exposed and raw again. My DD is on a plane bound for the States today, and I find it a really dreadful wrench. She is travelling through New York in the middle of the night which is scaring me shitless. I keep worrying that I will lose one of my other children and it will kill me. Safe journey, beautiful girl xxx

chip, the amount of time and energy a child who is ill or disabled takes up, leaves a massive black hole in the day when they die. I used to be desperate for peace and quiet and rest. Now it makes me ill.

Positives: We will visit DD in the States, probably in April (Sean's birthday month, but also DS2's and DH's). We have been trapped for 16 years with a severely disabled child, unable to have a holiday for more than a few days, and I must fight to make sure the grief does not trap us now.

Oh shabba, I know, I know - the silence xxxxxxx

Hi, all. My friend died of infection following bone marrow transplant for treatment of myeloma yesterday. She was 42. She leaves behind a young daughter. And, also yesterday, another friend learned that her only daughter after 4 boys has died in her womb at term - she's gone to the hospital to be induced tonight.

So it's been an even extra shittier few days.

The silence is deafening isin't it? I used to have music videos playing on telly all day - Tina Turner blasting out songs. Also had Back to the future playing on a loop - it was Matts favourite, favourite film. Anything to fill the silence.

Almost 21 years since Matt was killed but I can still remember (without trying) trying to hold it all together for everybody and missing him so much that I was in physical pain xxx

Oh Expat what sad news. Was there a pic of the lady on FB yesterday?

So very, very sad.xxx

Vera, you would have worried about your dd anyway but I think the additional fear that comes of already having lost a child makes it so much worse.
Your dd will be fine but my saying that won't stop you worrying xx

I just want to send everyone love and hugs.

aw, thank you, Hully xx