Misty breeze wraps about my shoulders, thinly clad. I shiver not, despite the coolness on my skin. Comfort, I now feel. Is it you my precious Angel?

[chipmonkey]

Starting a new thread for our angel babies
Sylvie-Rose 16/8/11 to 4/10/11 too short my love, too short.

Saint - I could never, ever had done that in the awful 'early days' I truly couldn't. xx

MrsDeVere - hope Billie's 21st birthday yesterday passed gently. I saw the lovely tribute to her from the WoollyHugs team.

SaintVera, that is such a beautiful proverb, thank you for sharing. The pain does evolve, I promise, and somehow becomes just a part of you. While you must think you are a bundle of intense emotions at the moment, please allow yourself to feel angry or sad or - just whatever - as the mood takes you. It is important to grieve in all these different ways. Let it out. Tell your neighbours if you are feeling low when they say hello. They probably just don't know what to say, and maybe even nervous about upsetting you - but I am sure they will be kind if you show you need it. People are so unnecessarily awkward about death, especially the death of a child. Sadly, I have learnt that they need us to speak of our children first, to lift the taboo, and allow then to express their own feelings too. I don't mind that, as it gives me the chance to talk about my gorgeous girl.

Shabba - you were generous with that lady. Yet I can imagine that somehow, it must have been validating to see she remembered the lives of your boys before she remembered their deaths. Too many people only see the pain and sadness, forgetting the joy and happiness our children have brought to our lives.

Cafe - your DD did exist. She changed your life path. She is the reason you are slugging through the torture of exams as you work to become a doctor. She is helping you to help others, and that is a wonderful inspiration. Good luck!!

Lavandes - hugging Richard in your dream must have been wonderful. I love dreams like that.

Chip - it sounds like it is time to ask Sylvie-Rose for another sign... She is a clever girl, and has showed you time and time again that she listens.

Big hugs to Expat and White, and to any others here who feel too low / numb / upset to write.

I love my Mia. So much happiness and love in her eyes in every video I have of her.

I have asked her Mias. Mind you the other evening, I was playing about with an app I have on my phone which is supposedly a "ghost detector". It has a facility where the "ghost" gives you an individual word. It came up with a work which is also the name of the new baby boy that our friends have just adopted after years and years of waiting!
Could be random but I hope not!

I'm struggling. I feel the shock of what's happened is wearing off, and has being replaced with the reality of our life without Dexter. I felt I had been coping, by becoming two people, the 1 everyone sees whos coping and carrying on day to day. Then there is the real me, who behind closed doors is a broken shell. I've managed to do all the school runs, speaking back, when people let on(not often admittedly) every day I do this for my 4 boys who need me to be mum.

But something's changed, I really don't want to see anyone, I don't want to leave the house. I can't concentrate, everything is slipping. I attempted to do a much needed food shop, and had to abandon that.

My cousin who's baby died(who has no other children) has been posting on the dreaded Facebook, about her big plans for her 30th, or wanting to go build a snowman etc It's making me so angry, I know people grieve differently, I do,but I can't get my head around this, I know it could all be a front, but I can't even think a positive thought and she's posting all this shite. I've now removed her from my news feed.

Aargh sorry for ranting, I'm not in a good place just now, and I need to get my game face on for the school run.

5Boys I am so sorry you are in this - familiar - bad place. I know what you mean about being two people - perhaps the effort to keep up a front is too much. I have heard it said that we just exist in this early grief, we don't really live. I am just astonished I am existing at all, and I occasionally congratulate myself for it!

I wonder if your cousin is heading for a crash? I remember being amazingly 'resiliant' in the first six weeks, then I nosed dived horrifically into this car crash grief and haven't really recovered.

myfive, I think it can be normal to feel worse after a while. Initially there is shock and I actually think we probably get an adrenaline surge which lasts for a while. Then that wears off and we are just left in a slump, a depression.
Your cousin may be still in shock. Other people may think she's doing fine but she can't be, really. But I think you are right to block her feed if it's affecting you, you have your own grief to get through,
You CAN do this. But don't feel that you have to be a perfect mother to your other four boys. It's OK to be an Ok mother and Occasionally it's even Ok to be a crap mother! Had Dexter lived, he would have kept you busy at times and you might have taken some shortcuts. Don't be afraid to still take those shortcuts.

I think adrenalin kicks in big time Chip. I was like that for a few months after both of my lads died. Then all of a sudden, reality hit me right between the eyes. I used to be fascinated as to how my heart was still beating and how I still managed to function.

The future seems so far away and I used to wonder how the hell could it ever 'get better' and how the hell I would ever 'get over it.' I have, over the years, learned that nothing will ever be the same again but it does ease....that awful heart stopping moment when you first wake up and realise what has happened does ease. I now think about my sons every minute of every day but it no longer reduces me to my knees.....I try to celebrate both of their short lives. I am not saying that I am 'wonder woman' - I am just putting one foot in front of the other and not forgetting to breathe.'

xxxx

I meant to say 5Boys, totally agree with chip about blocking the feed. Self preservation is so important and FB is not

Afternoon girls - bit of that 'white stuff' has started to fall here AGAIN!!! Hurry up Summer time. xxx

Morning girls xx

How is everybody this morning? We have about 8 inches of snow on the ground - just took me half an hour to walk to the shop and back - its normal a 10 minute round trip.

Sunshine here, melting our snow. And two big Mia cloud kisses in the sky.

No snow here. Just horrible rain. Went up to tidy Sylvie-Rose's grave up and got soaked!

Morning, folks xx

Hello Chip - and anyone else out there. The snow disappeared overnight on Saturday, quite strange to wake up to find everything that had been completely white to be all green again!

On Saturday evening, we had friends over for dinner, one of whom had lost his 20-year-old daughter in a freak riding accident, around the anniversary of Mia's death. He still had so much pain in his eyes. So much. So hurt and bewildered. Although from his conversation, you wouldn't have known. When they left, I quietly offered him the chance to talk about his daughter, if ever he needed it. He shook his head, and just sadly said that he couldn't talk about her yet. I felt so sad for him. Such raw grief. And while I knew exactly how he felt, there was nothing I could do to help. I just hope I didn't make things worse.

It also made me realise that while I miss Mia everyday, the pain has become part of me. It hurts, and it always will, but Shabba is right, somehow it becomes different, and the raw grief does lessen, something I thought would be absolutely impossible. If I can give this knowledge to the ladies here who are newly bereaved, in the hope it might help, please feel free to take it. I just wish I'd told my friend, but the opportunity wasn't there.

Mia - you will not have made anything worse - you couldn't do that......when he is ready he will talk to you. At least you acknowledged his pain and grief. Probably nobody else will have done that. Most people (especially the lucky ones who havent lost a child) will not recognise that he is grieving deeply. They will say things like 'Oh he is getting over it well, he is very brave.'

But you saw the 'pretence' in his expression.....the pretence that 'Im fine thanks' - well done. One day he will talk to you and you will be invaluable to him xxx

I expect that man was just pleased to be with people who just know because they have been there too Mia. Words sometimes just don't cut it, but the knowledge of your understanding probably helped more than you think.

I am feeling so low a lot of the time, so completely horrified by Sean's death. I am wondering whether it is better just to stop talking about him now because there is nothing to say to make it better

My self-esteem feels incredibly low. When Sean was born it took me a long long time to move on from feeling desolate about his disabilities. In fact, it was the birth of DS2 that started the healing. Now I don't have the option to have another baby. I feel old and like my life is behind me not in front of me. I wish I was one of life's optimists, but I don't think I am. I worry my personality type will count against me in this grief. I have to get a job and get on with life and it feels so hard when I can barely get out of bed. Someone kick me up the arse please

Mias, at least you did acknowledge his dd. And you know very well that nothing you could do or say would ever make anything worse. He will probably talk in his own time.
Vera I would love to be able to magic up another baby, too! But no baby would ever replace Sylvie-Rose, even though "a baby" would be better than no baby.

Hello everyone, not been posting much as I'm having a bit of a rough time. Just wanted to say hi and to Saint, that I am all too familiar with that feeling that the best bits of life are behind me now. You don't need a kick up the arse. It's still such early days, you will find the strength to do what you need to do, but maybe it's still just too soon. Sending love and strength to all those who are reading but feeling too awful to post xx

Thank you chip and Matilda. Kind words are so needed. Love and strength to you matilda at this difficult time for you x

Thanks for the kind words, Shabba, chip and saintvera, they helped. I received a note from this friend's partner this afternoon, saying that she really appreciates the offer of help, and that she hopes one day he will be able to reach out to us, when he is ready.

Just a note to saintvera - do please keep talking about Sean, but like matilda I'd prefer to send you love and strength rather than a kick up the bum!! Please, be gentle on yourself. I remember feeling so lost when Mia died - I had been 'made redundant' from a job I adored, the best job in the world, and I had no say in it. I felt so very lost, and my life seemed so empty. I had nothing to 'show' - no job, no Mia, no 'me'. So I wrote, and I read, and I cried - everything was very internally focussed as I tried to figure out how to survive in this hateful world without Mia. My friends took me out to lunch, and took me on walks, and kept me busy when I needed it. And it took time, but slowly, slowly, slowly, I was able to re-enter that scary world place... but there are things I still avoid, even 15 months on. Meeting new people, visiting large groups of acquaintances, are still challenging. So, from my own experience, please don't feel that you are 'failing' at dealing with the pain of losing Sean. You aren't. You are just getting through it. But you will manage. I just wish you didn't have to. xx

Hugs to matilda too. We are here, lovely lady. xx

Mias, being made redundant is a good way of describing it. Although as I still have the boys, it's as though I got a promotion, then they realised it was a mistake and demoted me again.

hello everyone

It's 2.55am, and I am in a hospital library- rock on

I've been having trouble sleeping recently anyway (well, always have) but I have been having an awful lot of nightmares about DD all sorts of 'dead child/ dead baby' scenarios :( I'm almost terrified and anxious to go to sleep, I think, so I stay up and stay up then crash. Except this week I am not sleeping at all as my workload is enormous.

mias I couldn't have put that better myself. saint I felt like - wow, who am I and why am I here- my whole reason for existing was gone in an instant (I had unhelpful exP say 'you're not a mother anymore') and so on. I really had a very long period of introspection. I had to go back to work really soon after, sadly, but it was soul destroying. I completely reexamined my life, starting from my beliefs about life and death and moving onto other things. You don;t need a kick you need a hug and some space and time to process, and process, and reprocess, and then do what 'feels' right.

I have dimwits criticising me all the time (notably my family) about leaving my law job (very well paid, top firm, so lucky to have had it)- the money I was on at 25, I won't be paid that as a doctor for another 15 years +
but it felt right to me. Nothing else matters other than doing what feels right, for we know only too well how precious days on this earth can be. Do what you love but don't do it yet, it's such early days, give yourself a break

thank you matilda that is how I have been feeling. strength to you too -

15 20 +

cafe thanks, and Mia, I really am listening to your words. I know what you mean about re-thinking beliefs and processing and reprocessing. Sometimes it just seems to come to a dead end of horror in my head.

cafe your family have got it wrong. You have gone from one high-powered, high-status, academically rigorous profession to another. Even if you can't change their opinions, I hope you can stop them messing with your head because you are doing a really inspiring thing, training in medicine. Good luck with the sleep and dreams xx