Misty breeze wraps about my shoulders, thinly clad. I shiver not, despite the coolness on my skin. Comfort, I now feel. Is it you my precious Angel?

[chipmonkey]

Starting a new thread for our angel babies
Sylvie-Rose 16/8/11 to 4/10/11 too short my love, too short.

I'm not feeling the love here!

My sister's teen daughters are completely uninterested in the children, so guess what? We've had NO break.

So I announced we were going back to my mother's on Xmas Day and have pissed off my sister.

As it is we are three weeks here. About a week too long. I feel foreign, strange and trapped here. I don't like it.

I'm ready to face 2013 as the year to get on with our lives as much as we can, at home, in Scotland.

This sucks. The bed's uncomfortable and DH and I got horrid sleep. Then we are stuck here.

I wish there were some way to change our tickets and return to the UK.

I feel like it's yet another mistake. My entire adult life has been a catalogue of incompetence.

A Spiritualist friend informs me that Aillidh is happy, and around us always.

I suppose that's good.

I've moved from wanting our old life back, which can never be, to wanting a fresh start away from where we are now.

expat, it's not been a good experience. But at least you have a clearer idea of what you want now. Getting away from the UK, while not enjoyable has at least clarifed things.

Sorry your sister's teenagers have been so crap. I wish they were like my ds1, he is great with kids and they adore him.

sorry you're feeling crappy expat, that's really not helpful of them especially in the circumstances. You do whatever you feel is best for you, stuff politeness! I was hoping you'd get a good break

Behind the Mask ©

You ask me how I'm going, and I look at you and wonder if you really want to know?
Do you want to hear that each and every day I put on my "normal" mask?
Do you want to know that if I have to wear my mask for too long that I get to the stage where I have to run away and rip it off or I will go insane?
Do you want to know that I get headaches every day because this mask no longer fits - I am not the same person you once knew, even though I try to keep up the pretence.
Do you want to know that try as I might it is hard to get enthusiastic about things now?
Do you want to know that I still have nightmares about "that day"?
Do you really want to know that my heart still aches, and my throat is still tight?
Do you really want to know that I will never "be over it", and that at 6 months I am only just beginning to accept that it happened?
I look in your face and think no. You want to look at my happy mask. You want to show you are compassionate by asking, but you want me to make you feel good by telling you I am okay. You really do not want to help me feel better today by listening, so I respond "I'm okay"

Please - Unknown

Please, don't ask me if I am over it.
I will never be over it!
Please, don't tell me he is in a better place.
He isn't here with me!
Please, don't tell me he isn't suffering.
I haven't come to terms with why
he had to suffer at all.
Please, don't ask me if I feel better.
For bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
Please, don't tell me
at least you had him for so many years.
What year would you choose for your loved one to die?
Please, don't ever tell me that
God doesn't give us more then we can handle.
Please, just say you are sorry.
Please, just say that you remember him.
Please, just talk to me about him.
Please, just mention his name.
Please, just let me cry.

been thinking about what dhs gran said, about me being better, i can't figure out if she ment the fact ive been pretty unwell over the past 12 months, or if she was referring to ds
perhaps she was referring to ds

actually feel fairly ok today

hope i can feel okish over the next two days, bit worried as i normally only have a couple of ok days in a row, so probbaly means i'm due a seriously not ok day

expat, what a nightmare, sorry your not getting the break you need at your sisters, i dont suppose you can change your tickets can you and come home earlier, or would you rather try and stcik it out

man in richmond today: so, do you have children?
me: yes, I have a little boy
how many children do you have?
me:I have a son, he's nearly 3
why only one?
me: silence
are you having more than one, you should have more than one!
me: well, I have had 2 actually I had a daughter, but she was very ill and she died
man: silence, looks awkward, wanders off as if I might be contagious
[aaaaarrrggghh]

thank you for sharing those white. I hope everyone has a peaceful christmas. I am dreading it, so instead of packing and getting a train, I am sat at my laptop eating an entire box of chocolates . oh dear.

I must go forth I suppose, and hunt for knickers 2 sizes bigger than normal!

I might not be on here for a few days. I will light a candle tomorrow for all of our children. Thinking of you all xxx

not joking about the 2 sizes bigger, have been emotional eating

Great posts, white.

I got, 'Well, I have girls. You have a girl and a boy, you're so lucky,' today. 'Yes, I'm very lucky to have these two left. My older girl died of leukaemia in July. She was nine.'

There's a way to get rid of people fast!

I feel total SHITE and of course, we're going out to dinner. Yippee! Merry fucking Christmas. I can't stop crying.

I've been pigging out, too. Eating everything in sight.

I'm also getting a lot of, 'We're all devestated by Aillidh's death.' No, no you're not. Unless you have lost a child, you have no idea.

Thank you, cafe, for lighting a candle.

f*ckit I am still here eating chocolate

oh dear, think I'm trying to miss my last train!

thinking of you lovely expat- I have no words that will help but you and Aillidh will be in my thoughts over this Christmas. I am SO not in the mood for this. I feel really low at the moment, and I have so.much. work piling up too, the last thing I need is to have to be polite and sociable to family and distant family (stepfather's mother included, she was last sighted being very rude to me at my grandmother's funeral 3 months after DD died- my grandmother raised me, so this did not go down well with me) bleeeeurgh

it's just such a fallacy, surely we should be benevolent and kind to tohers throughout the year not just on one commercially generated day that leaves those missing loved ones pretty empty and lost? I was in waitrose earlier behind an older lady who was buying random food for tomorrow, all reduced to about £1- she looked really sad, and alone, and was nearly crying and her card didn't work so I paid the £11 whatever for her shopping, but I felt like I should have asked her how she was. The till girl was all ''merry christmas!'' and I could see the tears well up in the lady's eyes. f*ing hate christmas. am the grinch

having said that- hope everyone has as good a day as possible xx

I think my candle is the only way I shall stay sane, it's the only thing I can really do. I wasn't able to take any flowers to DD's grave today because I had to be in the hospital miles and miles on the other side of London. It's hard still trying to be a mother to both children, I find

thinking of you all these next couple days xx

Drink, cafe! That's going to be my solution.

i've not really had a proper drink, like more than a couple since ds died, suppose i'm scared i will unlesh a beast.

feeling a bit nervous about the next two days, want to have a ok time but just feel all stirred up inside.

just want to feel calmish for two days, thats what i want for christmas

went down the churchyard to ds grave to take some bright red christmas flowers.
bad timing as we arrived at 3.50 and there was a carol service at 4pm, bumped into so many people, and i just didnt want to

its mainly seeing other people i hate, i never used to be like that, i used to be sociable, fun optimstic upbeat open

now i really just avoid people

just wanted to say, i will be thinking of everyone on this thread tomorrow, and wishing you all peace and love

the other thing i was going to ask, which is probably not a very good conversation for christmas eve, but i wondered if anyone else struggles money wise since there loss?

i suppose we spend more now, in a desperate attempt to feel ok, and we are actually more skint than ever.

I have read this a lot, but never posted before now.

I will think of you and all your children at midnight mass tonight.
This should be our youngest's 7th Christmas here on earth. She didn't even get one.
For me, I hope she's happy in heaven, but it would be so lovely to have her here with us.

I hope everyone's Christmas passes as easily as possible can.

I had some sad news today my cousins baby was stillborn. She's in labour right now I feel so distraught for her, it's also bringing it all back about Dexter. I just can't believe our family in four months has had a cot death and a still birth. It's not fair, why is our family so unlucky :(

Oh, 5boys! I'm so sorry!

white, yes, we've suffered a lot financially since Aillidh died.

i'm so sorry to hear that 5boys.

i knew when i was giving birth to ds he would not be able to survive outside the womb with his heart
its not the easiest thing in the world giving birth to a baby, let alone knowing your baby has either already died or is certainly going to.
it like pure torture
the poor woman.
my heart goes out to you all.

what a time of year for this to happen too.
i wonder when the baby will be born? perhaps tonight or tomorrow

some twats on the news are complaining that their train has been cancelled due o floods damaging the track.

they are claiming it a disaster

ffs, i feel likr hitting them and sayign you don't know what a fucking disaster is your clueless twat

how can you not become bitter when this happens

I've felt like slapping a lot of people all day.

Wishing all of you strength and peace this Christmas. You are all in my thoughts. You and your children. xxx