Misty breeze wraps about my shoulders, thinly clad. I shiver not, despite the coolness on my skin. Comfort, I now feel. Is it you my precious Angel?

[chipmonkey]

Starting a new thread for our angel babies
Sylvie-Rose 16/8/11 to 4/10/11 too short my love, too short.

Look, all, I never thought I was a nice person. But then I got out and met people who were real shits. I'm 42 in two months and I can tell you, I met people are shit excuses for human beings, people who conned and even killed others and they didn't give a toss.

And I realised, 'Oh, fuck you!'

And you know what? If you're posting here, it's because you're not a shit, because a shit wouldn't give a real rat's arse.

Tonight I have been, with other people who lost their children, the same way I have. I met a man sobbing when I told him that I say his son's name every single Saturday on the hour my child died. David Hall, killed by a drunk driver, an only child, age 43, he'd just been married, and was looking forward to having his own children by his wife, age 33. But it was not to be, instead, his life was claimed.

So stop. Rehearse saying, 'How rude and unprofessional,' and all I've written. Until it becomes natural, because people who don't know any better need to hear it, and I don't care in which profession they are, or who they are, who I am and was born and who Aillidh was and was born is just as good as anyone else.

Stop it. A's own consult is still my friend in real life. She asked for it. She told me I was one of the few who was able to love people for who they are, or not. Why? Is this such a rare thing? Well, then, stop letting it be. Why do this to oneself? Life is so short. Why waste time with gits, and tell them they are if they present themelves in your face and ask, when there's a whole world out there, with people who can be friends to love?

Because Aillidh took everyone for who he/she is/was.

So inconsiderate gits? Here you go! I've practiced. 'How very rude of you, to say such a thing,' and on and on. I'm FULL of them! Give me any scenario, you may have not been able to react at the time, but I've still got your comeback, because I'm one of you and you are me, and I live to defend you and try to make your life easier. It's all I can do now.

Just drop me a line, I'll puzzle it out and even write any sort of letter you might require.

We cannot bring our children back, but we can try to live our lives to the fullest before we join them. I will do my best to see that my fellow bereaved have that. They are myself, they are my breathren.

Aillidh's litany is growing long. There is someone, just me, who speaks ALL of our children's names, every Saturday night. Every single one.

Morning girls xx

Lottie Happy Birthday to your lovely Jack. Have had a candle lit here for him for a while and will keep it burning all day. Thinking of you today my friend, as always xxx

"We cannot bring our children back, but we can try to live our lives to the fullest before we join them"

Oh, expat, I want to be strong enough to make that happen. I hope and I pray that I can do that. I hope and pray we all can, every single one of us. Not every day, that would be impossible, but as much as possible.

Thank you for saying the children's names. I don't say them as you do, but I know them all from being here. It is the saddest privilege I have ever had

I am off to the dreaded shops now. I will light a candle in the church and cry for all of us, atheist that I am

cafe I have a poem about 'the disabled child' I will find and post later

does anyone else want to jump up and applaud expat?

I already have Chipmonkey - being truthful I didn't actually applaud but I did think to myself after I'd read expat's post 'well said'. I wish I had her courage. There's someone who came into my life recently that I'd like to say a few choice words to - I haven't yet, but given time I may yet let rip.

hey remember me?

Hi to all the mums I havent met before.. sorry you find yourself here

Its never a good time to be a bereaved parent but its even more crap this time of year isnt it.

As you know we lost mum last year and she had been very ill for the few xmases before that so this year I have decided to throw myself into the festive season and make some lovely memories for my youngest . I havent been out partying just doing some really family stuff like baking cookies, sledging , skating, visiting the lights etc

This is the first year I have really made the effort cos I dont want Ross to grow up thinking xmas is a sad time of year.. he told me last night .. mum I am having a great xmas ..

So I feel like I am doing something right ...

but I sneaked off and had a bubble thinking I would love to have heard Fraser say those words...

expat, you're fantastic! I will be racking your brains for some choice comebacks I'm sure, thank you for caring :)

frasersmummy, I remember you of course- though I had a different name before- I haven't been on here for about 3 years but I came back recently after giving a talk about DD. (DD was at KCH) I'm sorry to hear about your mum but it's great to hear fom you. It's wonderful that Ross is having a nice Christmas - howold is he now? I haven't managed it with DS yet. But yes I can imagine it's heartbreaking too as Fraser should be having a nice Christmas with his brother x

Saint 'I will light a candle in the church and cry for all of us, atheist that I am' you sound like me. I light candles in churches and I always feel a bit shifty because I'm not Christian or anything, but it just feels important sometimes

Thanks expat. Your words made me have a little cry, but in a good way xx

How's everyone doing today? It's quite easy to forget it's Christmas here.

The first Christmas 'get together' I've vetoed was today. DH went with the kids and my family. 'These people were there for you.' Then they'll understand that I don't feel very well because, well, it's not even six months since Aillidh died.

My sister wanted to travel about 200 miles to my parents' native city for New Year and socialise with our cousins. I'm not really up to it, so I'm going to say no. It's no one's fault, but I can't abide being around little girls who are Aillidh's age just now, or families with two or three girls.

Yes I always feel like applourding expat, I really really wish I was able to stick up for myself that well, but I'm gonna go learn from the best, and expat is gonna teach me. Right expat.

That's an aim for 2013

I also gibbed out of a friends Xmas do today, and actually didn't feel anywhere near as guilty as I normally would. Perhaps I'm learning?

I've actually been fairly steady today.

Hi expat and everyone. I lit the candle for me and for you all and for your children (plus our surviving children because they need light too). I cried. I even read a prayer - not bad for an atheist. cafe, I put in a lot of time being bored shitless in church as a child and now I am getting my money's worth. Jesus would have welcomed us!

Tonight I had a little supper for my son's wonderful carers who loved him so much and who have become family. It was lovely, close and candlelit. Then another party, hosted by a really kind and thoughtful neighbour, but apart from her it was mainly strangers. I felt as if I bring people down - I don't really have the party spirit and I am tired and I really only want to be with people who will indulge my need to talk about Sean. I felt boring.

expat, I expect your relatives think it would be good for you to get out to a party. If they knew how gruesome this experience is, they wouldn't push you into going.

Anyone worrying about New Year more than Christmas? I am. I always find it...poignant. I feel as if I am leaving Sean behind in 2012 as we continue into 2013. Then sometimes, I almost think he is going to be waiting for me in the New Year..

2013, the first year in which there will be no Aillidh.

There will always be an Aillidh. If there is such a thing as spirit which defies our time and distance, then there always was Aillidh. I think that's true.
Even if not, then as long as there's an expat, there will be an Aillidh.

Sorry to sound cliched, but we will carry our darling children into 2013 in our hearts. I literally visualise carrying Sean on my back, or like a koala attached to my front, wherever I go. No-one can see him but me. I feel his weight and his warmth and his heart beating next to mine.

Oh yes, I am Sylvie-Rose's pack-mule. And happy to be.

I like that, carrying Sean and all of our children- well put!

So I cannot sleep at all but I am not awake enough to do anything useful. Deary me

Morning girls xx

Frasersmummy - 'good' to see you. Sounds like you are making Christmas just perfect for your DS - well done you. xxxx

hi everyone, been reasonably ok today.
went to a thing at dhs uncles house, was quite a small gathering so i thought id be ok.

i was pretty much ok, better than i thought i'd be.

then dhs gran announced your better now arent you,

which kinda stummped me, and i think i stumble sorry what did you say

and she replied your better now, you look alot better now

then i think i mumbled some more and said do i?

that was a bit of a cringy momnet

but i felt reasonably ok

how is everyine feeling about the new year approching?

i'm mixed really, as i hate 2012, yet i don't really want to go into 2013

white, I will take you on a wander through my madness- so when DD died, I wanted time to stand still, so that I could be closer to her. The first new year that passed was terribly sad as it was leaving behind a year in which she had been alive to enter one without her. It was very very difficult for me. Then I started to wish my life away, as if the faster the years went by, the sooner I would die and maybe see her again. I was quite keen on dying. now, a few years later, I can see new year as a positive thing because I'd like there to be a fresh new year where I can do things right and better, after the chaos that has been 2012 for me. So I'm looking forward to new year.
I am a bit shocked though, that in 2012 it will be 4 years since DD died. I also just realised yesterday she should have started school some time ago. I think as years go by, I realise more what a huge gap there is where she should be.

2013, rather - argh

well done on today though white - sounds hard with such comments but sound like it was wasn't meant as insensitively as it came across

cafe I feel encouraged that you approach the New Year in a more positive way now though I suppose the more years that pass, the more missed milestones. Because DS was severely disabled, I had already mourned and accepted the loss of the usual milestones - university, girlfriends, jobs, marriage, children...I just miss giving and caring and loving him, and getting unconditional love back. He was my everlasting child, the boy who would love Father Christmas and his mummy forever. He was meant to be the child who never left me.

I am now where you were - full of sadness about leaving 2012 behind and not always wanting to live.

white having an 'ok' party is pretty good in my book. Anything that isn't shit is an achievement. Well done!

Oh, white! She probably didn't mean it badly but how clueless, as if you could equate the loss of your child to a bout of flu! People want us to be better. I actually think that they think there are two kinds of bereaved parent, one that copes and one that doesn't. They can't bear to think that none of us cope, not really. Not in the way you cope with an illness or death of a parent.

SaintV, I think the idea that Santa Claus was always going to come is so lovely. And it hurts me to think that without Sylvie-Rose, who was three years younger than ds4, that Santa will inevitably stop coming here sooner.
Sylvie-Rose might have had SNs. Being born at 28 weeks is not the ideal start. But just having her here, I know I could have coped with any SNs.