Misty breeze wraps about my shoulders, thinly clad. I shiver not, despite the coolness on my skin. Comfort, I now feel. Is it you my precious Angel?

[chipmonkey]

Starting a new thread for our angel babies
Sylvie-Rose 16/8/11 to 4/10/11 too short my love, too short.

Oh, white, and for cafe as well, nothing beats a, 'What an insensitive and thoughtless thing to say. That's really hurtful.' Walk off if you can. If you can't and they answer, 'The truth hurts,' reply, 'And most intelligent adults are already well aware of it, that's why, in adulthood, it's sometimes much better to keep certain thoughts to oneself, especially when they're unsolicited, as to do otherwise is to be hurtful and mean.' 'Wow, I hadn't taken you for a mean-spirited person. I hope saying such an ill-thought-out and tactless thing is just a one-off.'

If it's another professional, a simple, 'What a shockingly unprofessional thing to say! How embarrassing!' 'Are you in the habit of being unprofessional?' 'As this is a professional setting, and we have to work together, things will flow so much more easily if we both demonstrate mutual respect/patience/tact/you-name-it,' (add in, 'Wouldn't you agree?' for added passive aggressive bitchiness).

Or, if you really want to cut, then compare them to another professional who's admired. 'I'm so sorry, you see, I'm used to working with X, who is an absolute paragon of courtesy, tact and professionalism. Please give me a moment to adjust. My apologies.' Or, when X's name is mentioned, interject a, 'X is truly a remarkable example to those of us in the profession. I can only hope to be able to demonstrate such (insert virtue of your choice) in addition to being so (clever, accomplished, etc.).'

Practice saying things like this in front of a mirror, in your car, whilst doing the washing up. And it's like using an ice axe to self-arrest: you'll find yourself doing it without even thinking when put in that situation.

I am sat here at my laptop blinking looking up with utter respect for you expat! wowzers, you;re great at this!! I let people walk alll over me. This same 'colleague' has reduced me to tears this year asking about DS and pointing out what a bad mum I am, and the latest is saying how I'm going to fail my January exams as I'm so behind. I never say anything to him. But it does get to me. I really should start. there is a bit of a back story but there was a point when I was really quite unwell this year and he had a go at me and I was like, look I've been unwell and really stressed ok, and he said ''you've got nothing to be stressed about'' (I did have a very big thing which had stressed me out) when I finally told him, he didn't stop the comments they just became more barbed

a snowglobe is a lovely thing to get for Aillidh

white- your DD is amazing. I'm astounded by how naturally young children assimilate life events and respond with much more compassion and insight than their adult counterparts. It's as if we're born with wisdom and knowing and it gets eroded all the way into adulthood

expat - at my old firm I let the managing partner walk all over me in a series of meetings, I never stood up for myself at all. I really regret that now

cafe, there are certain people who actually thrive on other peoples misery. I work with someone like that. Luckily not on the same days. But I have this habit of being nice and polite, and someone like that tends to flummox me because it requires being rude back and I find it hard to be rude, even to rude people.

hello all, lurking as I have been mega-busy preparing the house for the family's arrival as well as being sleep-deprived, thanks to a little boy who has wanted to feed every 1.5 hours for the past day... having real swoops of dark pain when I realise that Mia is not here to be in the middle of the excitement of a family Christmas. Hard to describe really - but I guess you all know the feeling all too well. Just brings tears...

orla and cafe you are such lovely people. I find it all too easy to be rude if people upset me, and then I am mad at myself!

cafe, yy to "It's as if we're born with wisdom and knowing and it gets eroded all the way into adulthood"
i think youve hit the nail on the head with that one.
she just blows me away.
i'm in awe of her really.

theres a song in my daughters eyes,by martina mcbride, which is all about how the mother is a hero in her daughters eyes but really its the daugter that is the mums hero, sums it up for me really.

shall us two make a pact to try and toughen up to rude people in the new year, i feel like kicking some arse.
nomore sweet me.

i actually just feel mentally unstable, but i guess thats grief when you lose a child.
i think its normal under the shitty shitty circumstances

whoever said actually this is like suddleny getting a serious mental illness is spot on. 100%

i sing the blues to this one

I'm not nice, well, yes I am nice but I went through a phase after DD died of thinking, stuff it, I don't care what people think I'm just going to say what I think- it's as if everyday worries bounced off me and I became very hardened to everything. I think I was more clipped and abrupt but STILL I was too nice, but for me it was a breakthrough. I've niced up a bit more since then unfortunately but every so often I try to say what I think, but even then I do it ever so politely it's a little ineffective.

A few months ago I received a phone call from said colleague saying 'the guys have a bet on you're gping to drop out you're missing loads of time, blablabla, you're not taking it seriously, you're going to fail and drop out... why aren't you taking it seriously' to which I replied, er if the guys are ever going to be real doctors they need to be much less judgemental in their clinical practice, patients will present with all sorts of.... blablabla.... which was assertive of me, but instead I could have just said 'naff off' which might have been better

Hi all. Am quite nervous posting here so forgive me if I talk crap! You all sound so lovely and understanding,it's a relief to have found you.
My darling Seán was six years old, would have been seven in August last year. On 1st June 2011 he climbed a ladder up to the attic which was being converted and fell on his head. He died in ICU on 18 June and my life has been so hard since, as you all know. He was my little soulmate, we just "got" each other so much. He was gentle and so loving. He was funny and cute, he was just wonderful.
I have a ds aged 12 and a dd aged 10 still here and still looking forward to Christmas, so I go through the motions for them as I have to but my arms just ache for my baby, but you all know that

white - the mental illness thing, is a fair point. I think with a child there can be many complications in grief such as PTSD and depression can become part of grieving, there is no way the loss of a child will ever be normal grief. the diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders is published in the US and has just been updated- it's now coming out next year as DSM -5 (edition 5)and in this edition it's the first time grief has been broken down into pathological disordered states, ie depression and other complicated griefs and experiences thereof. So it's not mad that it feels like madness. it's not madness, it's grief, and the DSM5 has come under fire for that, but it's recognised professionally that it can have extremely complex sequelae on an individual whereas before this has not been the accepted case medically

Oh kneecaps that's absolutely tragic I feel such profound loss reading your post, I'm so sorry to hear that. It must be awfully hard with 2 older DCs to carry on at Christmas. Gosh. And so suddenly as well for your life to be torn to pieces like that. How have you been since?

It's impossible to compare grief but when an accident happens it can be extremely traumatic, like a road traffic collision for example, even with DD she went from suddenly well to suddenly acutely ill. I guess that's the case with all of us, be it one day ok to one day diagnosed, or a sudden loss. I am waffling, ignore me. Have you seen anyone since, kneecaps? like a counsellor or anything? Your little boy sounds utterly adorable.

Ah you know yourself - just devastated, but trying to act normally so as not to offend/worry anyone. That's why it's so good to have found you,

He was so funny. A neighbour's father just told me the other day he came up to him and said "good morning, I am Seán x and this is my beautiful sister x" just a day or two before his accident. I have strted seeing someone but haven't been able to open up much yet

eugh someone just posted this to my facebook - a photo from ' i fucking love science' of a child's skull showing baby teeth and adult teeth. I feel sick - I mean, why would anyone do that- or am I being oversensitive? I can't see the medical intrigue there only the fact a child has died

Oh kneecaps just seen your last posts. he sounds absolutely wonderful. Of course you must be completely devastated and crushed, what a horrible thing to go through. It's hard as time goes by a little especially as it gets no easier for us, right but everyone expects us to be fine by now.

starry starry night was just playing on the radio

Just a quick hello before I get to my bed. I am so tired.

kneecaps I am so sorry you lost your darling Sean and so suddenly. There are never words adequate to express the devastation, are there. I hope this place will be a refuge. None of us wants to be on here but I am glad there are other parents who understand.

My Sean died suddenly and unexpectedly too, of epilepsy. He was disabled, (and some people think that makes it easier, but it doesn't. A loved child is a loved child).

cafe, I am not always good at asserting myself either. Sometimes I think I need to store up some phrases to throw back at people. Your work colleague sounds incredibly unhelpful to be around. I used to share a flat with medical students and they were an incredibly insensitive bunch.

Saint DD became disabled too, she had an acquired brain injury and had a seizure disorder before she died and was on 5 anticonvulsants for months and still incontrolled. I HATE the way people say ' but she was disabled' and other such phrases as 'it's better she went' etc - no, she was my baby and she was making small improvements neurologically and that's frankly beside the point. it's the way that it's said as if disabled people have less right to a life than non disabled people. The number of people who said it was better that she died than live disabled made me want to scream- so it's better to be dead than alive then, is it? it's outrageous the views held on disability and it's probably every 2nd person who would say it. argh.

sorry ranting :) yes med students are insensitive but I am also insensitive I guess, well, no I have empathy and I'm good with patients but I'm also hardened to things. The unqueness of many medical students is their sheer arrogance. They think they know it all and so often have bugger all life experience to back it up. If this guy knew stuff, yes I'd be a little more understanding, but he's my age and nothing has ever happened in his life, except his parents got a divorce- the hardest choice he has ever had to make is not whether to switch off his own child but whether to move out of his flatshare or not, which worried him so much.ffs [still ranting, apologies]

*u

speaking of insensitive medics- if you want to, look up 'amateur transplants' on youtube, some of it's very funny

Oh, Kneecaps, your Seán sounds lovely! ( And I have just learned how to do a fada on the computer Just for him!) Christmas is wrong. There will never be the right number of presents under the Christmas tree, for me, there won't be presents for a one year old girl. And when Santa stops coming for ds4, he won't come for anyone else in the house.
And yet people still say "Have a lovely Christmas" and even "Merry Christmas". I mean Merry fecking Christmas! Last year, Sylvie-Rose had been buried for two months and my cousin and his wife sent a card saying have a wonderful Christmas. I know it was the same message they sent everyone else but I really did just wish they'd thought before sending it.