Misty breeze wraps about my shoulders, thinly clad. I shiver not, despite the coolness on my skin. Comfort, I now feel. Is it you my precious Angel?

[chipmonkey]

Starting a new thread for our angel babies
Sylvie-Rose 16/8/11 to 4/10/11 too short my love, too short.

When Emma-Lou bug died it was different to when Scott-Dot died. He had been out of hospital and his things were 'his' IYKWIM. Emma-Lou bug never got out of hospital so hadn't been in her pram or worn her clothes.

We put her pram and cot to my SILs house while we decided what to do with them. Unknown to me or DH some girl had shown up on my other SILs doorstep claiming to be 7 months pregnant by her son.

Between the pair of them they decided that my daughters things were 'spare' and gave them to this girl. I was fucking fuming and haven't spoken a word to either of them since. 6 years on it still makes me rage. I'm ashamed to say I even ignored them at my MILs funeral and they haven't met my youngest 2 daughters.

It really felt like they were secretly pleased my daughter died. The second SIL never even went to her funeral as she had planned a day shopping with her cousin on that day.

FB wasn't around when I lost Scott-Dot thankfully, I think that it was Bebo when I lost Emma-Lou Bug and I just stayed off it. I'm not on FB anymore but it pissed me off on angelversaries and birthdays when people would post things up about my children 'Remembering a special little man in heaven today' type thing. It felt like attention seeking and using my kids to do it :(

shabba, thank you for sharing them with us.

Yep, I just hide them or block. It's not that I don't wish them well, it's just that I think, 'Why wasn't it our little girl, who beat the odds?' IYKWIM. And it just brings me down and so you know, fuck it, you have to do what you can to get through because it's really, really hard.

missy i'm not suprised you are still cross, how bloody rude of them
and nasty

yes iswym about the using your child to seek attention.
i would feel a bit the same too
i think

you what i wonder with the ones that do beat the odds, do the parents ever stop to think, actually fuck we have been really really lucky, or do they simply think oh i knew x would survive, i just knew it

I can only seak for myself here but every single day I thank my lucky stars for my children. As it turned out Emma-Lou bugs condition is genetic, but unable to be tested for, but there is a 1 in 4 chance it could happen again. I was pregnant when I was told this. Its a miracle that my children are here and I will never ever forget that.

Missy I cannot believe your sils. How awful for you. I would be absolutely raging too, and wouldn't have spoke to them either. I'm so pleased to hear you went on to have 2 dds. You will never forget Scott-dot or Emma-Lou but you have a beautiful reason to smile again.

Expat, don't worry about the fb thing we just need to do what we can to get through each day xx

Missy, am also at your SILs. Someone forgot the sensitivity chip when they were made, didn't they?

Hi ladies xx

How things can throw you back to square 1.

This afternoon what I thought was a police car stopped outside my house. I felt sick and tears were in my eyes I was in total panic mode. (When Richard died we were told by a policeman at our house.) Today the 'police car' was a paramedic car not a police car but they look similar it was going across the road I don't know these people they have recently moved in. I hope the day will come when I can be rational about these things but apparently not yet. It is still shit. Love to you all xx

Thank you all, it feels good (if thats the right word) to say it, I don't really speak to anyone about what they did as it makes things awkward for DH so I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond.

lavandes I know exactly what you mean, the smallest thing can throw you right back into the moment and it takes you by surprise. You think you are over a hurdle only to have it there in front of you again. You learn to cope better but I don't think your feelings ever change really. You are right, its still shit :( xx

lavandes I think the reaction is so visceral, your brain responds emotionally before you can process what's going on. And it brings you right back to that awful, awful moment. . You wouldn't be human if you didn't respond that way.

lavandes your post made me shiver and I know exactly what you mean.

My Mum rang on Thursday night. Her anxious voice said 'There are ambulances and police cars that have just gone past my house and they are going in your direction....is our Danny home yet?' My heart jumped into my throat but I said 'Course he is Mum, try not to worry - everybody is safe and where they should be' I managed to calm her down - my lovely, lovely Mum who even though she has Alzhaimers will never 'get over' her precious grandsons dying.

....and, YES, I rang Danny and checked he was home safe.

Know what you mean about triggers taking you back. For me it's ambulances, it takes me back to that night, where I was following the ambulance in the police car, knowing my baby was dead in the ambulance

Another Saturday without her. Her candle will be lit, and I will say all their names, with great love.

My triggers? So many. So many. My daughter was 9. Before she died, she had, oh, there was so much. I've made a list actually. 'Things I Can Never See or Hear Again'.

I cannot go near Yorkhill Hospital. If I see it on the news, I change the station.

The holidays. Oh, we try our best.

But we are not putting up a tree. We'll be away abroad from the 17th and not back till the 8th of January. There's no point, this year.

Next year, of course. But this year, well, she hasn't even been dead 6 months.

I'm glad you're going away, expat. I would happily have run away from Christmas last year if only I'd had somewhere to run to!

myfive, we had that awful run in the police car too but we didn't know for sure she was dead. The police woman tried to be kind and said "She's in the best hands" but I didn't think the paramedics would be able to save her. And all the bloody cars who wouldn't get out of the way for the ambulance! Even now, when I hear an ambulance, I get angry at that.

Ambulances for me too.

I can't believe it's December and nearly six months since Sean died. Time is elastic - it's been the longest six months, but it feels like it has just happened.

Terribly flat and tired and low today. I miss, miss, miss my funny boy with all my heart.

Love to all you brave ladies

Hi ladies

Thanks for all your kind messages.

I am as ok as I can be most of the time but I cannot cope with police cars near my house or policeman around me. I think this will always be the case and I must deal with it.

Also I work in leisure centre and the son and daughter of the policeman who came to our house now work with me. I find that so difficult but I will not give in to it and retire because I need to work for a bit longer to pay for flights to see my elder son and baby grandson in OZ. How shit is this always going to be. If it were not so tragic it would be a joke IFYSWI M. I don't think these children of the policeman know who I am, they shouldn't because it would be a breach of the data protection act x

One if us should win the lottery. Just one of us. To pay for flights and places to live and a little place in the south of France to run away to. And wine!

chip if i ever win the lottery i will def get a place for us all to share
a place near the beach with a nice seaview

how is everyone today, ive been okish most of the weekend, but feel on a real low this am, just dont seem able to get things done, and at the school gates this am, when everyines chatting i just seem to feel like everyines making plans and getting on with their lives and i just feel in this weird limbo

going ot try and get some xmas shopping sorted today, but find iy hard to get movitated and stay concentrated

white, I feel similar. Generally low and empty and I feel I need to cry but I can't easily. I prefer it when I am weeping all over the place.

Got to do Christmas list and think about buying presents but I can barely be bothered. Yet, leaving it until the last minute feels stressful. Good luck with your day

thanks saint vera, somedays i just feel like im in a paralle
universe than everyone else

they are all rushing along, and im wondering around lost

good luck with your day too, perhaps if we just get a start on the christmas shopping thta will help

Morning girls xx

The heavy rain we have here matches my mood today. I am going to have to have a 'word with myself'

Christmas shopping can be a nightmare. I had to leave Boots the other day, too many baby girls in buggies.
One Mum wheeled her lovely twin girls in front of me, I turned to go down another aisle to avoid them and ended up facing another set of twin baby girls in a buggy! I mentally said to whoever's in charge "Are you trying to kill me?" and went for a gingerbread latte in Starbucks!

Oh shabs, I hope the pin-on smile can turn into a real one.

I have sadly become an expert at pretence Chip. xx

Her Christmas tree is on her grave. It's all pink tinsel, pink lights, pink baubles and a pink star. I have a crib there with everyone in it except the baby Jesus who will go up on Christmas Eve.
There is a very illogical part of my brain that is thinking the baby Jesus should not be there in just a nappy-type thing in the middle of winter so he may get a blanket, seeing as Mary and Joseph appear not to have thought of it!

MrMia and I are excited, relieved, and proud to announce the safe and uneventful arrival of Finn at 9.39am this morning by elective c-section. We both couldn't help but cry at the sight of him after all the hopes and worries of these past nine months.

Upon his emergence into the world, Finn immediately showed similarities to his big sister, with a series of loud and indignant yells. He also then weed on the paediatrician not once but twice as she checked him over!

While Finn has dark hair, his face is very like Mia's own when she was born. And like her, he is already proving to be enthusiastic about his food and when awake, very interested in the world around him.

MrMia has happily held Finn most of the day, with a look of utmost content on his face. I am holding him in my arms now, as he sleepily peeps up at me. We can't believe Finn is finally here.

Thank you Mia darling, for this most amazing gift of happiness.

And thank you all, for the hand-holding. You are all brilliant.

oh wow fantastic news miasmummy, many many congratulations.
enjoy every cuddle and enjoy little finn, i know you will, hes one lucky lucky boy

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx