For Anyone grieving for one of their parents,you will find support here.

[mummylin2495]

hope you all find this ok,the pages were just refusing to load up and messages taking so long.thats why i had a double post on other thread.

[ssd]

I second mummylins post.
I'm so sorry YouveCatToBeKittenMe, I hope you get some comfort that your dad passed peacefully. Keep posting here, we will all support you. Just now you may feel a bit numb, just be sure however you feel is normal for you, don't question yourself too much, its normal to feel however you do.

mummylin, you sound like you need a bit of me time, some peace just to get your thoughts together after all the sad news you've had recently. And I hope your niece and her dh enjoy many happy years in the house your mum helped them to get, she'll love that they have achieved this!

t875, I didn't watch children in need, but I agree some of the stories about children just leave you in tears, sometimes life is so very cruel

hugs to us all xx

[Beachcombergirl]

Had my first afternoon out at a baby event since mum died and had a bit of a panic attack. Too many people. Mums, grans and babies. Had to stand in the corner and take deep breaths. All very overwhelming. I just felt so lost. Then bought the guardian. There was a special grandparents feature. Just sobbed and sobbed reading it bi just want a 'good' day. It's exhausting feeling so very sad all the time.

[Galaxymum]

BeachcomberGirl - it's early days and you did brilliantly actually going to an event. I've found it is exhausting grieving too. I have taken advice from here that you need to take some time and space to have a cry - I actually find a quiet walk and just letting it out helps. It really is exhausting when you feel sad and then having to have that mental energy to deal with people is too much. But you did very well in going to an event.

[Beachcombergirl]

Thanks Galaxymum. I didn't realise how tough it would be going to the event. It shocked me really. I went with a very good friend and our babies. I had planned on joining some baby groups as I don't know many mums but the thought of it now terrifies me. I am planning a nice brisk walk with dd and dp tomorrow. Hope to clear the cobwebs a bit

[mignonette]

All my love and condolences You'veCat

I'm so sorry. It is best that the waiting is over but it does feel unreal doesn't it, those hours after somebody has died? I expected the World to be changed somehow because of the momentous thing I had just experienced but of course it was my world that had changed......

Wishing you a decent sleep tonight and strength for the coming weeks......

[Beachcombergirl]

Lots of hugs youvecat. It's a sad day for you. Take care and be gentle on yourself

[GhostShip]

My dad died 21 years ago today. I was seven weeks old. It hurts me and I never even knew him, so can't imagine what some of you must be going through.

(Hugs)

[MumOfStan]

Hope I can join this thread and I am so sorry for everyone's losses and sadness. My dear Dad is terminally ill and we're looking at months, not years. All a terrible shock: from 'well' to terminal diagnosis in one month and so far beyond people coming round to give him morphine there's been no sign of the oncology appointment he's been promised to try and sort chemo to buy him a bit more time. Feels like he's basically been sent home to die, and he's only 60. I live overseas (outside of Europe) so can't race home every weekend which is what I would want, and feel so much like I am in the wrong place at the wrong time. He has my fantastic mum and a large family network around him, so that is some comfort but still I am finding it so, so hard. I know that I am 'lucky' to be able to prepare for this and say all that I need to say to him every single day, which of course I do, but I am a mix of heartbreak, shock, denial, guilt for being so far away, and terrible, choking sadness for him and my mum and the years of retired life together they spent their life planning and saving for and will now not have. I am trying to go to work as normal, and stay relatively upbeat for my little boy who is keeping me sane. My husband is also very supportive. But I don't really have any close female friends here that seem to be able to listen to me ramble on about how I feel. So, it helps massively to think I could talk with you here and feel a little more amongst people that understand. Thanks for listening. Hope the day ahead for you all is easier than the day before, if you see what I mean....

[ssd]

mumofstan, of course you can talk here, just ramble away with whatever you're feeling..it does help to talk about things here, its really hard when there's no one in rl who really knows how you feel and can listen and nod and understand. A lot of us here seem to have been the ones who were the closest to their mums/dads when they were ill or passed away and we seem to be feeling there loss the hardest.

It just really helps to talk to others who feel the same as us. My sister visited recently and didn't once mention my mum, who died 11 weeks ago. I thought she'd want to go through all mums belongings with me that I brought from her house, I cleared the house by myself, I though we'd go through the stuff together and maybe go to where we put mums ashes..but no, she wanted to go to the shops and look around. Mum wasn't mentioned, nothing was, it was as if she didn't exist. Its just something I have to accept, mum was a massive part of my life but didn't really figure in my siblings lives, except for the odd phone call here and there. Isn't it strange how something so massive to you hardly touches your sister.

anyway, a least we have found others here who we can open up to and share our feelings and not have them wonder if you've gone mad.

beachcombergirl, I know exactly what you mean about feeling lost in a crowd, I feel like that. The world seems to be full of helpful grannies and extended families all supporting each other, I often feel overwhelmed by it all. at work the girls I work with all go on about their mums coming over and babysitting, sometimes I think they are being crass mentioning their mums so much, but to them its perfectly normal, just everyday life, as long as I'm doing my job and smiling a big smile they have no idea about the lump in my throat as they talk away.

again

xx

[MumOfStan]

ssd Thanks so much for taking the time to respond to my post and I am so sorry for the loss of your Mum. It's true what you say about siblings. We all cope and respond differently, and sometimes no matter how close I am to my siblings I can find a certain comment or reaction difficult to swallow or understand. That said we are all in our own way pulling together for now which is all that matters and what is most helpful to mum and dad. I am sorry your sisters' reaction to what must have been a very emotional moment was not really what you imagined it would be.

I find I am in total shock at the diagnosis with my brain still trying to come up with imaginative escape routes for my Dad - like could the CT scan have been mixed up or whatever. IT sounds absolutely crazy as I know really how ill he is. Either way it is not a sensible state of mind as it's actually going to be easier to accept and adapt, I guess.

Anyway - thank you again. x

[ssd]

no bother

xx

PS I think your mind plays tricks on you at times like these, it must be trying to find a way to help you cope with this intense time, I find my mind wandering into all sorts of thoughts these days

[t875]

mumofstan - my heart breaks for you, i am so sorry what you are going through. I couldn't imagine it.

I have been there so much with the CT scans, as ive said on here i phoned a big brain hospital in London asking about lobe strokes, couldn't talk for being in tears, but they were lovely on the end of the phone. Its the phases we go through, denial was one of mine that lasted quite a while, and still creeps in now after 7 months.

Come and talk to us anytime, we are here for you, this group has been a massive support for me, we are all here for each other. Sending you cyber hugs.

Beachcombgirl - I felt compelled to say to you about you being the paper 'the guardian' possibly a sign for you?! You have done well going to the shops bless you, it was a good couple of months for me, then when i did i lost it in the card shop.

Ghost ship - please come and talk if you need too, thinking of you, its all so very hard isnt it.

Ssd - Hope things went ok with your sister, thinking of you too {{hug}}

Galaxymum, mignonette, maybe, mummylin thinking of you all. Sending a hug if needed.

[t875]

beachcombgirl - sorry should have read - about you getting the paper..

[mummylin2495]

MumOfStan So sorry for the situation with your Dad.How horrid it must be for you to be quite far away at this time. It is very strange how our minds try to work out different scenarios to fit in with what we want to happen.As ssd said, it does help to speak to others about it and i also agree that it seems that sometimes siblings arent as helpful or are not suffering the same degree of grief.I myself get hurt by this because i think my mum would be hurt ! For me its now a year since i lost my mum ,but it seems like so recently still.But the others on here have all helped as it is hard to speak to people in real life as most think we should all " be over it " by now.So it makes you clam up.So speaking on here is a real godsend. We will support you as best as we can.

[mummylin2495]

t875 i must of been writing my post as you posted yours !! Not been a good/ bad day really a mixture of both.Went to cemetery and planted some winter pansies in both graves.had to throw a lot of flowers away but some were still going after 2 1/2 weeks.Some of course had been chewed off by the damn squirrels ! How has your day been ?.My poor friend in a state,i will go and see her again tomorrow but we do speak every day.I feel so sorry for her.Its hard to lose a younger sibling. Wishing you all as nice a day as possible tomorrow ,Night all x

[t875]

mummylin, you are spot on in relation to siblings, i also have this with my brother, i don't understand why he doesn't talk about her and i also feel this about my mum would be upset up there, but then i think well she sees him all the time, fly on the wall so to speak, so she sees all and them times when he may well talk about her to others and not to me. I have got used to it now, me and my brother are not close anymore!

There is 2 friends in rl i can talk to spiritualy about my mum but also about my grief, but the others i feel are like you say 'i should be over it' or they cant handle thinking in that way because it means them thinking about losing their mum. I have learnt a lot about life and my friends this year and who im bothered about and who im not.

[t875]

hi mummylin, sorry to hear about your bad day, we will get them squirells for you. Im bet your mum is loving seeing what you are doing for her with the flowers. Them days are like a tornado aren't they! Hits you so hard and don't know they are coming. You sound such a lovely caring person mummylin, but protect yourself too hun, you are still going through a lot yourself, it must be very hard to be there for your friend as well as go through what you are. Take care of you too hun. So sorry to hear about your friend though! Life can be so cruel!! x

[BlackCatinChristmasChaos]

Can I join you'r thread? I am the OP from This thread Although it's not my parent I am grieving right now it's a bit like he was my step dad. Anyway, finding it hard to go to bed tonight. Seem to be having trouble switching off. The trouble is I need to get up in the morning to get the DC up and out the house.

[t875]

Hi Blackcatinchristmaschaos - absolutely you can join, its obviously horrible that we are all here. So sorry for your loss i have nights like that and its so hard isnt it when you know you have to get up and move forward with the normality of the day. I just go to bed blow a kiss to the air and say good night, and there have been mornings where ive not wanted to get up but ive imagined my mums voice saying come on get up your no good laying there, but its very hard isnt it. Thinking of you and hope you can try and sleep soon, i know when i have late nights my grief definately is worse, although i like a late night too as i dont settle down after putting the kids to bed till 9 most of the time.

cyber hugs to you hope your morning goes as well as it can x

[mummylin2495]

hello blackcat Anyone is welcome on this thread.We all are aiming for the same thing.To somehow make sense of what has happened to our loved ones.It really does help to chat to others about it.I did go and read your thread and i echo what ssd said about how people need the support after the funeral has taken place.In the first few awful days there is a lot to do which keeps you busy,calls to make ,people to see and arrangements to be made.Then thre is nothing ,just zilch and it hits you badly.The best thing you can do for your mum is to always be there for her,be it on the end of a phone or a little visit or invite over for dinner.She will be feeling exactly as all of us on this thread are feeling,you too.Utter disbelief this has happened.There is no easy way to get over the death of a loved one ,you have to go through the grieving period which can be devastating and overwhelming at times.You wonder how the world keeps spinning when we are in such pain.But it does somehow.Its bad enough to have to face that someone is not ever going to be here again in their physical sense,but when it is unexpected,I personally will never ever get over it.We will all be here for you.Sorry you have had to join this thread.
t785 maybe you didnt get a good nights sleep as you were up quite late ? If i had realised you were still on here i would of posted again, as i too was up late but my son was going past here just before midnight and decided to pop in for a cup of tea !! As he said where else can you pop in for a cuppa at that time.We then watched a film for the next hour and a half so i was really tired ,but i woke up so early this morning.Am now feeling a little bit down,i think its not just because of my mum ,its all the sorrow going around for two lots of friends at the moment,plus a problem my niece had in the week [ happily resolved now] And I now have to face going to a funeral next Monday which is for my friends brother.It will be the first one i have gone to since mums death ,but thankfully its not the same crematorium.I dont think i could of faced that.Was going shopping today ,but of course have changed my mind now.I have been looking for a little angel that i want to put on mums grave .My sister has lots of little things that mum and i have put there over the years and i want my mum to have something.Not sure where to look for one though,anyone got any suggestions.?
Sorry for epic post ,am feeling very chatty this morning ! hope you are all doing well as can be expected. x

[t875]

Back from work i cant seem to be able to log in from there for some strange reason.

Anyways - mummylin, your question about angels im not sure, maybe charity shops, ornaments, past times ? Do you still have that there? There was one down here but they closed it. Also maybe h samuel might have also marks and spencers have a lot of christmas ornaments. Let us know if you find anything.

Yeah my late nights definately dont help, but i do like a longer night especially after getting the kids to bed, i dont settle till late, so im always around for a chat

Poor you with having to go to a funeral so soon, i know i wouldnt be able to do. Were here after you have been to it. Will be thinking of you x

Hope everyone else is having an ok day, thinking of you all and hugs if needed x

[StickEmWithThePointyEnd]

Hi everyone, I was directed here from this thread about my mum.

I haven't cried today, but I've only been with dh and ds all day which I think helps, and I've spent all day browsing mumsnet to distract me. I know exactly what my mum would say to that. "I've just died and you're playing on the internet?" but I don't have anyone else to talk to really. I'm the eldest so I have to be in charge iykwim?

My dad (absent for 15 years) spoke to me yesterday and said "If you want me to come and see you then I will." Am I wrong to think his reaction should actually have been "I am coming up to see you as soon as possible." His eldest children have lost their mother, he hasn't been around since they were 8, 6 and 4 years old. They have no aunts, uncles or grandparents they can rely on for support. His 18 year old son found his mother dead on the floor. Surely he should have jumped on the first train up here no matter how much time has passed since he last saw us? Especially when he says he "loves" us.

[ssd]

hi stickem

sorry to say but the reaction/support you can get from someone who is an immediate family member is sometimes different from what you expect..and I mean expect by what you would do yourself...I've found this hard to take myself

I'm sorry about your mum, it so very hard, but at ;east you've found this thread, there are lots of us here who'll support you and try to give you comfort (which I found lacking in my own family, sadly)

haven't read all the other messages yet but hugs to us all anyway

[t875]

Hi Stickem - we are here for you, please feel free to come in anytime, we all just jump in and out when we need.

I have been very surprised about my brother since losing my mum, i have also come to realise that after a significant loss families can become dysfunctional and may well struggle to find that unit again and it is shocking how some people react, but hope you have a good support network around you.
please look after you in the times you have coming up, cry when you need to cry, talk when you need to talk, do what you have to do to help you.
take care, and we are here anytime. x

Everyone else hope your all doing as ok as can be and thinking of you all, im struggling at the moment, just remembering things and getting choked, why do i not believe it again?! IS that normal with the cycle of grief to be in disbelief and denial again! Feel like ive definitely taken some steps back as she is well in the forefront all the time now.

I said what im going to do for Christmas is we are going to have a special area, where the girls can put special notes bits in that area, food (and then eat it a bit later in day..sausage roll, mince tart etc,) little notes about there day pictures and if they want to write a note to her direct how they are feeling. Its all so very hard though, i bloody hate her not being here!!! Life is just unfair! Why cant they just come down for a day to see us!

[mummylin2495]

good morning to you all.Well i have been in tears for the last hour because of something my dh has done.On Sunday we went to the cemetery so i could plant some pansies and refresh flowers.My dh noticed that although my sister has some little things on her grave my mum has none.I explained i had been looking and not found anything.This morning my dh had two parcels delivered so i text him to tell him.he replied that they were gifts for me.I then asked if i could open them and he said yes.One of them is an open book like her headstone with an angel sitting up on it and the words " in loving memory of my mum " and the other is a little heart with similar words that you stick in the ground.I was so touched that i have been in tears ever since.What a thoughtful thing for him to do.I will have to forgive him for sometimes not saying / doing the right thing over the past few months.
StickEmWithThePointyEnd I have not read your thread yet ,but i will in a minute.Very sorry you have had to join us but i hope we can help you through.As t785 says ,people do not always react as you think they might and this can be very upsetting.I myself have not spoken to my neighbour since my mum died because he couldnt even be bothered to say " sorry to hear about your mum " I took this as a real slight especially when my mum has known him for over 20yrs and knitted for his daughter when he had no money to buy her new cardigans, so dont be surprised by anything.
t785 he got them from an ebay shop apparently and didnt even order them till sunday and they arrived today.I will put a pic up of the angel so you can see it.Seems wec are both in the same frame of mind at the moment.I was talking to one of my brothers last night and we were both saying how we dont look forward to anything at the moment and how much life has changed for us.For the worse.I think for myself with two friends losing people last week it. has taken me back to the very beginnin all over again.On that subject ,i went to visit my friend last night and she is very worried about her brothers funeral,i suggested some rescue remedy but dont have much idea about it or where you buy it,anyone know ?