For Anyone grieving for one of their parents,you will find support here.

[mummylin2495]

hope you all find this ok,the pages were just refusing to load up and messages taking so long.thats why i had a double post on other thread.

[mummylin2495]

StickEmWithThePointyEnd i have now read your very sad thread.What a terrible shock for you and especially for your young brother.I am quite sure that you have done the best you can in your family circumstances.Sometimes families have to step back from things to protect themselves. I know your mum will know that you loved her.You dont have to say the words ,they just know.You will be guided by funeral directors on what you have to do.They will make it as easy as posible for you to deal with that side of things.It will be a tough time for you all,but if we on here can help you even a little bit then we will.As for your family,that is for you to decide upon,every ones family is different and you know yours best.The same thing goes for your nan,you know her the best and if you think she isnt strong enough to hear this terrible news,then dont tell her.Sending you a little hug , so very sorry.

[maybeyoushoulddrive]

What a lovely thing for your dh to do mummylin - they can surprise us sometimes, can't they? I hope they give you comfort when you go to visit your Mum and Sister's graves. I don't know much about rescue Remedy but I know people swear it works so there might be something in it... I know you can buy it in Boots/Holland and Barrett.

StickEm I'm sorry you're here too, but I hope you find some comfort from speaking to us. I agree that family and friends can react in terrible and insensitive ways after a bereavement. Losing someone is always a shock, whether they were ill or not, the brain struggles to comprehend life without them in it so when they do go, there is such a gap. You have lost your Mum out of the blue be kind to yourself, don't try to support everyone else and be at the bottom of the heap. Do what feels right for you and your immediate family. We are here xx

At some point I must go back and count up how many of us have found ourselves here, it's been a real comfort to me. I do, however, struggle to keep track of everyone and always have worries at the back of my mind that I'm missing people out. Forgive me if I do and I am thinking of everyone here!

t875 sorry you're struggling, I feel the same. I think with Christmas round the corner it's so obvious this one will be very different, it's hard to cope. I made the mistake of looking at presents for Grandparents yesterday and cried and cried looking at all the ones for 'Best Granny' etc etc. It's horrible.

I don't think I ever understood how much Mum missed her parents. They died when I was tiny, they missed all the proud moments of being Grandparents. At least my dd will remember her Granny - precious memories.

blackcat, ssd, Galaxymum, mignonette, Beachcombgirl , Ghost ship , MumofStan, YouveCatToBeKittenMe all in my thought, how are you doing today?

[Waitingforastartofall]

I am new to here, but I lost my mum on friday. At the age of 45 from terminal cancer. I can't begin to explain how I feel but am just going through the motions. Thinkin of all those with sad news also

[mummylin2495]

Waitingforastartofall how very sad to see yet another person who is so sad My deepest sympathy to you on the loss of your mum.45 is so young ,what a terrible tragedy for you and your family.All of us here on this thread are all grieving for a parent,most of them mums but also some who have lost mum and dad.We are all in different places with varying times of the year ,but we all have one thing in common.Do you have family around you to support you ?Or even good friends. Its a terribly sad time especially in the very beginning and there is no easy way to fix it.grief has to take its own path. We are all here to support you ,as we have all been trying to support each other.May your mum RIP.

[mummylin2495]

Why is it ,that we are brought up to know about death ,but when it comes we are all knocked sideways ?So many sad people in the world, all of us included.

[Masai]

I miss my Daddy so so much.

Burst into tears last week in a sweet shop when i saw the vanilla fudge id buy him every christmas.

[StickEmWithThePointyEnd]

I did expect her to die one day, because of her medical problems, just not so suddenly, when she seemed happier than she had been in a long time and without being able to see or speak to her one last time.

I last saw her last weekend I think (how awful that I can't remember the day!) but I last spoke to her on Wednesday night to ask her if she would babysit ds on Thursday morning. I had other things to do so I had to end the call, though she wanted to carry on talking to me .

She looked after ds at my sister's house on Thursday, but I don't know what they did together or anything because I didn't see or speak to her afterwards - dh dropped him off and picked him up. She sent me a text on Thursday afternoon which said that ds is "such a good boy, credit to you both x" but I never replied.

[mummylin2495]

Masai do you want to tell us about your dad ? maybe it would help you to speak of him

[maybeyoushoulddrive]

waitingforastartofall I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum. She was so young, you must be in such shock. Do you have a close family to support you through? Do you need to talk about it? My Mum died from lung cancer earlier this year, it's a dreadful disease. We're all here because we have lost dearly loved parents, sorry you've found yourself here too.

Masai it's the little things which trigger such strong feelings. Do you want to talk about your Daddy?

[mummylin2495]

StickEmWithThePointyEnd im sure that we all have things we regret not doing ,but we cant change anything and you cant continue beating yourself up about things you didnt do.Just remember the happier times that you spent together.

[maybeyoushoulddrive]

StickEm we all have such regrets about not having spent enough time with our loved ones, but all the time wouldn't be enough... We would still find things to regret. You were lucky to be able to have a close relationship where your Mum could look after your children - I bet she got a huge amount from that time. I hope looking back you will find happier memories to comfort you.

[Waitingforastartofall]

Family is close, but don't really know what so say. Although we knew nothing could be done we expected a lot longer not such a rapid decline. I spent every day with her and miss her very much already.

[StickEmWithThePointyEnd]

I'm sorry everyone else on this thread is going through this too and thank you all for your support xxx

I've just gone through all my texts from her because I am writing down all the ones about ds for him to see when he is older (I haven't deleted any since the middle of August) but I can't believe I didn't notice how many times she said she had been ill, throwing up, keytones, rashes, infections etc etc etc. Barely a week has gone by since at least August when she hasn't had something wrong with her and I just never paid any attention to it. I'm such an idiot, can't believe I've been so selfish.

I'm thinking of making a photobook for ds with all the lovely messages I have about him from her. I don't have many photos of them together (she hated having her photo taken) but I think I could put something together with pictures of him and old photos from when I was little. Does that sound really morbid? I don't want him to forget her, though I know he's too young to remember her properly. I want him to know how much she loved him.

[mummylin2495]

StickEmWithThePointyEnd no thats not morbid at all.Its lovely to preserve any memories. There is probably a way you could in fact merge a photo of your mum with your ds.Im not clever enough but im sure someone who has photo shop could do it.

[ssd]

stickem, that's a lovely thing to do

I'm sorry I'm not replying to everyone individually, I'm just a bit lost in all this just now, there's a few things happened recently that have brought me down, things we all probably get now and then, sharp reminders of what we're missing, not least relatives on that bloody facebook telling me how much they love being a gran and how much they are looking forward to Xmas surrounded by their grandkids they intend to spoil, thanks a lot they know my wonderful kids have no grandparents left to spoil them and the youngest is still in primary school

, I've been sighing a lot lately!!!

mummylin, how great of your dh to do that, theres hope for mine yet, the only thing he's interested about is the football

t875, I'm sorry your so down, I am too lovely, its just the total pits isn't it..my dsis visited and we shopped, she didn't mention mum at all and she only died 11 and a half weeks ago, seems shes forgotten already

I'm sorry to anyone I havent replied to but I'm thinking of everyone here xx

[ssd]

actually do you know what almost hurts as much as losing mum? well not even nearly as much but still............its the lack of feelings from people you thought would be great and understanding to you

I know no one else's world has been rocked by this, but I have some family who honestly seem to like rubbing it in how very happy they are and how their world is great......... there's one in particular and all I can think is wait till its your turn missy, your mum and dad will be gone one day and your kids will have no granny and papa running after them anymore, don't think you will be turning to me for comfort cos you phoned me once 2 days after mum died and since then all you've done is hurt me and twist the knife with your happy families pictures and there's been zilch in the way of sympathy since, even though I've supported you when your kid was ill, your mother annoyed you and your dh drove you mad....one day it'll be your turn and I wont be there

that feels better, don't anyone tell me off for being nasty I meant every word, if I dont get it out here I'll rant to dh and we're fighting enough these days

[ssd]

actually hope everyone ignores this but I'm so f**ng angry

just had a message from a close family member on that bloody fb

"hey ssd, how are you, hope everything's great, what you been up to recently, you must be looking forward to xmas, the dc's must be so excited, what fun things have you planned, we're doing XYZ of wonderful family stuff, see ya.."

yes they live in the US...

I so want to reply

"hi X, yes we're all great here, cant wait for xmas when its just the 4 of us as we have no family left to visit now mums dead, what have I been up to, oh just crying all the time, reading countless bereavement and spiritualist books trying desperately to get some sort of connection with my mum who I miss desperately, trying to avoid happy people like you, worrying about the future...see ya"

I tell you one more ridiculous "hope everything's great" message and they're going to get it from me

[StickEmWithThePointyEnd]

ssd I understand exactly what you're saying. And I am fucking angry too at the moment.

Most of my mum's illness was not helped by how her family treated her. I have distanced myself from the lot of them, due to this however I feel it would be wrong of me to say something to them about it at this time, especially as my brother and sister spent all day with them yesterday. This makes me very angry, as I think my brother and sister are much more vulnerable than I am and I feel like the family will be brainwashing them. Certain members of the family are known to be "serial mourners" iykwim. They love a good funeral

I had a phone call today from one of these family members asking why I hadn't gone with my brother and sister. Instead of saying "because it would be a huge betrayal to my mother's memory" I just said something about not wanting to go out anywhere at the moment (also true as I have a sinus infection at the moment which is not helped by all the crying).

Everyone is expecting me to organise the funeral now but I don't want to. I am going to tell my brother and sister that they have to do it and I will be there to help but it's all their decisions, because quite frankly I would be perfectly happy to not even have a funeral (I hope that doesn't offend anyone, I just feel like I don't need to stand around when I will be feeling very exposed, surrounded by people I don't like, who treated my mum like shit, while they cry and "enjoy the show").

And I need to sort her house out, (I'm just going to take the things we want and leave the rest) which I don't want to bloody well do and I'm very worried about her cats, who we can't find and because no one can stay over at her house we are unlikely to ever find them.

[StickEmWithThePointyEnd]

And I found a text from a few weeks ago when my mum said she was sorry to me. For things that happened when I was younger. She'd never said that before. I fucking ignored it because I never believed she would change, to the point that I forgot I had ever received it.

She really was trying to change. It's not fucking fair.

(Apologies for swearing, I am just so angry with myself and the situation).

[ssd]

ah stickem, I'm sorry your angry too

I understand what you mean about the funeral, when mum died all my family rushed to where we live and it was all too much for me, I always knew the only time they;d all come up and see mum was when she died. And it came true. I told my db to arrange the funeral himself, I couldn't do any of it. But I'd done it all when mum was alive, for years and years.

It was all just too much.

I know you're angry with yourself too, I felt the last few visits to my mum didn't go well, I'd have no conversation for her and would look bored and fed up with it all. The Tuesday before she died I was supposed to visit her but something she said on the phone (and it was really nothing) got me down and I didn't go out, then she died on the Friday. I cant do anything about it.

I'm just sorry, it is so hard to accept and handle.

rant away here, I think I'll have a few more rants in me that'll need let out too

xx

[mummylin2495]

Oh dear ssd you do sound very down today.I do understand though especially about facebook,i myself dont use it but the niece i dont like because she is so bloody snooty wrote a comment not long after my mum died and it said * this has been the best year of my life " of course my other lovely niece saw it and was very upset.I dont know why others can appear to be so bloody thoughtless.Also ssd i do understand about the football.My dh been tonight to watch our town.But as i told you before i like a couple of hours to myself,but i do get annoyed when it takes over everything else in life.
stickem it sounds like you too are having a very tough time.Families can be a pain cant they and if you dont want to arrange everything its only right that your brother and sister do their bit.On the whole i am a very lucky person family wise,yes we have our little niggles but we are all very close.Its understandable that you would tend to ignore messages if you have been let down in the past.You are not a mind reader and you could not of known what was in your mums mind and how she felt all the time.I would imagine that if you had constantly been expecting things to change. and they hadnt ,why would you of believed this time was different.Please dont feel guilty ,you are only human and didnt know.Im sure that whatever went on your mum cared for you and you for her even if things were difficult.She would of known that and i expect that gave her some comfort.xx

[mummylin2495]

ssd better to rant than bottle it all up.if you try and keep all the anger / grief in you will become ill. This is what happened when my sister died.I kept it in and later suffered very bad depression.Im sure no-one on here is going to mind a few rants.I am sorry that your last visits to your mum didnt go well,that is probably adding to your grief now.But as you say ,you cant change things now.try and switch your mind to the times that were good and think of those instead.Oh i dont know ,i probably spout a load of rubbish most of the time.Just ignore me.I just hate to see people so upset.

[Popumpkin]

Beachcombergirl - I could have written your first post, apart from my mum died 8 weeks ago not 4. I'm not really ready to talk about it in too much detail but the sudden nature of her death meant that I was in shock at first and am only just now feeling the full force of what I have lost.

DD is 15 months, it breaks my heart that she will not remember the grandma who loved her so much.

[StickEmWithThePointyEnd]

I am looking for the good memories. I spent so many years focusing on the bad and arguing with her about it. I need to find those good ones again, I know they are there somewhere.

Randomly, something that is making me happy (not properly happy but I hope you know what I mean) at the moment is that I found her Christmas present for ds.

She's bought my two year old a fecking drumkit!

This is a woman who taught us to step lightly when going up and down stairs and banned balloons because the popping un-nerved her. If someone had bought me a drumkit as a toddler it would have driven her crazy.

Being a grandmother really was the making of her. I feel like she must have felt she could do all the things for ds that she wanted to do for us, because she didn't have the stress of 3 bloody jobs just to keeping us fed, roof over our heads, having a knobhead husband etc.

I don't know what she did to ds but he absolutely adores her. He would even cry when I said goodbye to her on the phone, he doesn't even do that for me or dh! If "mummynana" as he called her, was there, then dh and I didn't exist as far as ds was concerned.

[StickEmWithThePointyEnd]

I must look like a right lunatic in these posts, first I'm sad, then angry, then sort of happy about something. I've no idea what I am feeling at the moment sorry.