Love, like starlight, never dies - In loving memory of all our darling children gone too soon!

[Bluetinkerbell]

I am the gentle breeze upon your face
The twinkle in the stars
I am the sudden ray of sunshine
That warms your broken heart.

Thank you Whatevertheweather for starting the previous thread! :)

Let this place be a place of support for all of us on this path together, with lots of smiles, lots of tears, lots of hugs and lots of understanding x
A place where 'new' and 'old' bereaved Mums and parents can share their grieve, experiences and memories of their darling children.

Chip That's a truly lovely thought. I rarely dream of Tamsin. So tantalising, but a real pain to wake up :( Glad you dreamt of Sylvie-Rose too xx

tallulah, that is so sad about that lady who lost her son. And yet, I can understand it..... After Sylvie-Rose died, I felt so cold and numb when I hugged my boys, not the older ones but the younger ones. I think it must have been shock, possibly? I know any time I had a baby, the one above him always looked huge to me compared to the newborn but I had had Sylvie-Rose for seven weeks before she died so I don't think it was that. But it did come back, thankfully, and they are my life now.

Tallulah I think you are right about having to embrace the family you have left. I agree, but that is the biggest problem I am facing at the moment, and fear that I am slipping the same way as the lady you describe. My children don't bring me comfort they just remind me that there is one in the middle missing, and as awful as it sounds I kind of feel that if I can't have all of them what is the point in having some of them. I have also started to push my other family members and friends away, mainly because most of my friends have children the exact same ages as mine, thats how I know them. I do try and keep in mind that I am 'lucky' to still have some children, but I know I look to what I don't have rather than what I do ALL the time. I can't seem to switch it round. Ugh xxx

Evening everyone. I'm so sorry for all the pain and heartbreak on this thread but it's good that we all have a place to come where we can share it. It's been six weeks now since I lost my darling boy and most of the time I just feel weirdly detached and tired and spaced out (interspersed with the odd tidal wave of grief). It's what I imagine it would be like to be on heavy tranquillisers. Everything is dull, dreary, colourless and seems like it's happening in another room. I think it's self-preservation. I can't allow myself to really feel how bad this is as I don't think I could cope.
I had to start working again today as I'm self-employed and can't afford to take any more time off but it was pretty grim having to delete all the jolly emails where I was explaining that I was about to go on maternity leave with people wishing me good luck. Sorry, feeling very sorry for myself this evening - can you tell??!!

Twinkle please don't be too hard on yourself. It's very early days still. I too am keeping friends at arm's length. And when I do meet up with anyone I sort of make it clear that I don't want to talk about it which I'm not sure is even true. I just don't think I can handle other peoples' sympathy. I don't want to be an object of pity. I have to get over this because I am isolating myself but I don't seem to be able to pick up the phone or make an arrangement to see anyone. And when I'm with family I tend to shut myself away in the bedroom reading. It's very difficult to allow people to comfort you I think because we are still struggling to accept that this has even happened a lot of the time.

twinkle I think we cross-posted but if you look at my post, that was me, 8 months ago and it's much, much better now.

Twinkle I know what you mean. My eldest boy has suffered the most I think. The youngest ones don't know any different.
But I am very much better than I was 6 years ago although I know I can never be the same mum I was.
Give yourself some time.

Gosh, how sad, tallulah, to have lost her whole family after lossing her son like that. I have to say, I'm pushing through those emotions and feelings. I feel enough guilt at the moment without guilt over my parenting of the Mouse. I have found myself retreating from friends and family though.

matilda, I recognise those feelings of numbness so well. I feel like I'm living my life behind a curtain or veil, never quite being able to join everyone else. I can laugh at jokes and enjoy the sunshine, but never 100%. I suppose that's part of our new 'normal' - always being slightly different to everyone else.

Thank goodness the sun shining at the moment - the rain and grey and cold makes everything so much worse; I can feel myself sinking more when it's raining. On the day of Benedict's funeral, I said to MrY that I was glad it wasn't sunny, and that I'd never been to a funeral when it wasn't raining, but that it couldn't be like that or it would never be sunny. I mentioned Lear "blow wind and crack your cheeks" (as I'm a Shakespeare nut) and afterwards, he said a friend of mine had mentioned it too, that even the weather was sad and mourning.

I'm going to spend some time with him tomorrow, and it's so much easier to do that if the weather's nice.

Hello all x

twinkle I really understand what you say about the rest of your family . I am actually really glad that Harry was our first child and we didn't have the others then . We had the space to grieve and just be without having to worry about anyone else . I do think it meant we could grieve intensively and for us it helped .

I couldn't really deal with anyone else telling me how hard it was for them , but at the same time if they didn't show their feelings I got really pissed off as well . I don't think anyone can win really .

My boys who came afterwards I think feel jealous of Harry sometimes but we do talk about him and they are included and that has helped them . It has helped now they have a sense of who he was and them feeling like they "know" him without ever having met him .

I am waffling but I hope someone can make sense of my ramblings .

Evening everyone.

It is wonderful having one place where we can say anything at all without being judged. We all come from different places with different stories but we can understand and forgive each other. Unless it is about matters of thread ettiquette

Dexter's funeral was on a beautiful, sunny day and I was so glad. After 12 days stuck in the neonatal unit, I wanted him to have one really fantastic day. That doesn't want any sense I know, but I felt comforted. I understand the need for rain though.

It is true what other, wiser people have said up here, whenever we were unlucky enough to lose our children we did know them. Otherwise we would not miss them like we do.

Having a sad evening, and it is pathetic. It has been 7 weeks since Dex was born, and I got my period today. Sorry if TMI. I am just disgusted with my body. After letting me down so badly, it has the nerve to go back to normal. I should be glad, we took two years to conceive Dex and I hadn't had a period for about 18 months of that. But I still feel betrayed.

Has been so emotional here the last few days. Funny that! Thinking about us all.

I know I'm not a regular here but I'd just like to add:

In memory of my daughter, Jennifer. Happy 21st birthday darling girl x

Welcome Tapir! Remembering Jennifer xx

Hi Tapir, thinking of you and your Jennifer. x

For Tapir, happy birthday Jennifer. xx

Happy birthday to your Jennifer Tapir

Hello Tapir and birthday wishes for Jennifer

Hi tapir happy birthday for Jennifer xxx
mrsy I am also a Shakespeare nut I got the name for my dd from king Lear (as I think it is my favourite - odd I know), I wished so hard for it too be torrential weather at the boys cremation, butit was just light rain with some Sun and everything looked so beautiful when the sun came out that im glad that it wasn't x
Met up with friends that I haven't seen in years today and had a good old chat (and cry) over a cup of coffee, it was really nice getting out but at the back of my mind I kept (and keep) thinking that I shouldn't be doing all that I am doing to go on with my life. I hate that we are all in a new "normal" and that people only see us with masks on.

Also just want to say my milk has FINALLY gone! I don't know why it stayed for so long? Thank you to all you ladies for the advice with regards to this xx

Thank you all x

Another bad day... I was just really horrible to my poor mum and that's made me feel even worse. I'd been staying with her and I was fed up that I didn't get a single minute to talk to her on my own or be upset as there were constantly people coming and going. I don't want to cry in front of DD and there never seems to be a moment when I can let it out. It's driving me nuts. The only time I can let go is when I'm driving alone and then I scream and wail like a banshee, though I do stop myself when I get to a red light!

Mrs Y I hope you found some peace spending time with your darling boy today.

MrsKwazi I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to be defined by your loss. I have even talked with DP about moving to a new area so that we can start with a clean slate.

Kate glad the milk has finally gone. It's very distressing. Another reminder of how things should be and aren't. You are very brave going out for a coffee and if it felt ok then please don't feel bad about it. We must all do what we can to make this bearable - it doesn't mean we are moving on or leaving our darling children behind.

Kate glad to hear your milk has gone, I remember the relief well. I love Lear, I wanted Cordelia for my eldest but MrY vetoed!

Don't beat yourself up, matilda, I'm sure your mum won't take it personally - just sit down and tell her that you need a bit of peace and quiet for a while. xxx

Funnily enough, we're in the process of getting the house read to sell and move - Benedict is already over where we want to be, and I'm really looking forward to a new start.

Couldn't get up to see him today, but the Mouse is at nursery tomorrow, so I'll spend some time with him tomorrow. It's hard with him being a little way from us, we have to plan visits and quiet often don't get over there which is upsetting.

matilda, I was crying so much, one evening that I couldn't even see to pull over! Couldn't see the kerb. I was in my own housing estate and there was no-one behind me so I just stopped the car in tne road and sat there wiping my eyes. Then a car did come in behind me and beeped me for stopping there which made me feel worse!

I've experienced many DHAC's these last two years but I have such thoughtful special people in my life now. Saturday friends asked us to go out to raise a glass to Belle before her birthday, yesterday a friend gave an angel tea light candle decoration for her birthday, today a beautiful 'Pink Sands' yankee candle arrived in the post from some friends, other friends have visited today and given a box with a few things in for her birthday which I'll open Thursday with X, and my best friend has just been round and given some butterflies and a gorgeous pink birds house to decorate our house and her garden with on Thursday.

And there are still two sleeps to her birthday. I'm feeling really touched that so many people are remembering already.

chip I did think maybe I shouldn't be on the road at one point due to not actually being able to see anything through the tears! I wonder how many other folk are driving around bawling their eyes out...frightening thought!

Mrsy the moving thing is a tricky one. On the one hand I'm desperate for a fresh start and we needed to move anyway as my flat is too small even for the three of us. On the other it would mean leaving behind my support network, friends etc at at time when I need them the most. I will wait another month before making a decision and then see how I feel.

fioled how lovely. Your friends sound very sweet.