Love, like starlight, never dies - In loving memory of all our darling children gone too soon!

[Bluetinkerbell]

I am the gentle breeze upon your face
The twinkle in the stars
I am the sudden ray of sunshine
That warms your broken heart.

Thank you Whatevertheweather for starting the previous thread! :)

Let this place be a place of support for all of us on this path together, with lots of smiles, lots of tears, lots of hugs and lots of understanding x
A place where 'new' and 'old' bereaved Mums and parents can share their grieve, experiences and memories of their darling children.

Giraffe's video is absolutely beautiful. Aillidh was such a special little girl. Hugs expat xx

Hello, I have seen this Day of Hope a few times on FB today, and it seems right to share it here, especially for those of us who have families and friends who find it difficult to speak about our beautiful children, and for those who have been silenced in the past about speaking about their love...

August 19th is about honouring and remembering the lives of babies and children that could not stay with us. By doing this we are speaking out about the death of babies and children.

August 19th is a day to break down the walls of society that keep pregnancy, infant and child loss a hush hush subject. People view the death of a baby as just a sad thing that happened. These babies that die are not sad things that happen. They are people, much loved and wanted children. They are brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, grandsons and granddaughters.

August 19th is about openly speaking about these children and celebrating their short lives.

By having this special day once a year we get people speaking about pregnancy, infant and child loss. And by doing this we break those walls down so that people are not afraid to speak about these children anymore.

I love that video of Aillidh, expat.
Will look at that link later, Mias. Phone is being slow atm.

Mia thank you for that! I wanted to post it this morning, but was busy :)

Feeling very low. Trapped. Don't want t to stay on this planet but can't leave.

((chipmonkey)) no words but am thinking of you.

i occasionlly read this thread, but almost feel like i should as its so personal and a private place.

but i wanted to say, that today is my ds1's bday, so as i light the candles on his cake today will be thinking of all the babies and children that have died, remembering them and the light they brought to their families xx

take care xxx

Thanks 5madthings. xx

Chip (((hugs))) No words are enough. Went to the cemetery just now, and found a tiny white feather, and immediately thought of you & Sylvie-Rose. For some bizarre reason I picked it up & brought it home. I felt it was a message - I feel that it was sent for you xxxxx

5madthings Happy Birthday to your DS1

Chip Just to add I have added a photo of the white feather. Silly as it sounds, I am sure it was a message xx

I had a weird dream a few nights ago. I was walking in a place like a park. There was another 'sort of' park next to it, which was white (or at least shrouded in white mist). It had really ornate, very high, gates. I couldn't get in, no matter how hard I tried. I really wanted to go into this place, but couldn't - the gates wouldn't open.

Oh, Tami, thank you for that!

In the shower I prayed to die. Because I wouldn't do anything silly myself but want out of here and if I were taken out of here, that would absolve me of the responsibilty. But I don't expect that one to be answered...... and my boys need me. Or do they? Am I any use to them? A mother who goes around crying and some days not doing much else.

Tami, that is exactly a Sylvie-Rose feather. Or maybe she and Tamsin are playing together!

And ds4 just told me I am the bestest most beautiful Mammy.

I don't deserve ds4.

Oh chip ((((hugs))). I know exactly how you feel but of course your boys need you. You are the centre of their universe and it's plain from your posts what a wonderful mother you are. I often feel the same way. Like I'm "done" here but of course I can't and won't leave my DD motherless. She's already lost her brother and she's not even three. You've had a very difficult week, maybe don't expect too much from yourself.

We are going on holiday tomorrow for a few days. Normally I'd be excited but I can hardly bring myself to pack. It just feels like I'm going through the motions. I hope this sinking feeling doesn't last forever.

Hi to everyone else xxx

Chip I saw a white feather this morning too, on our way to church! Brought a smile to my face! x big hugs for you... yes your boys need you! even when you cry...

Chip I am so sorry you are feeling so down, I feel exactly the same. Right after he died I genuinely think I did feel suicidal, I don't think I would have done anything, but the pain was just too much to bare. I still want to die and be with him, and like you I would like the choice to be taken out of my hands, like if I became ill or something. I know it sounds ridiculous but I sometimes lie in bed thinking of things that I could do that would increase my chances of something happening, like taking up smoking or something. I have talked it over with hubby and he understands how I feel, but he doesn't feel the same way so can't really help. He says why would I want to leave the boys but my answer is that once I am gone I wouldn't know anyway, and it would be easier for them to live with my death, rather than me have to live with the death of my little boy if that makes sense?

Then my rational side kicks in, and like Matilda said, my little boy has already lost his brother by the age of 4, and they need me, and my husband says he needs me. I bet if I did actually get ill I would be devastated and feel terrible that I had wished it upon myself, and when it came down to it wouldn't want to die. I keep in mind that I felt exactly the same way when my mum died, I was 25, and how on earth was I meant to keep going for the rest of my life without her, I wanted to die then too. However those feelings softened over time and I reached what I would call a plateau where this is how I am going to feel about it forever, but it has become easier to live with, and I never think about how I would prefer to be with her now. I am hoping it will be similar with this.

The strange thing is that I am actually able to cope a lot better than I was a few months ago, and feel that my life is improving slowly, and the feelings are not as intense as they were, sometimes I don't think like that for days at a time, where as before it was constant.

My husband believes that once he dies, he will be with our little boy for eternity and they will pick up where they left off, so he can do 50 odd years because whats that in relation to what is after. I wish I felt the same. Its hard but I believe it will get easier for us. Lots of love xxxxx

Chip, I don't know what to say but wanted to send you (((()))) As for signs, we've had another double rainbow recently and it made me think of our lovely girls. I'll upload it to my profile.

Your DS4 sounds like such a sweetheart. You are a wonderful Mammy to Sylvie-Rose and to your boys. You are doing your absolute best in the most heartbreaking situation, and that is all any of us can do xx

Oh Chip :(

Of course your boys need you, of course they do... a crying mum no less! A real, emotions on show, kind of mum. A bereaved mum. They've lost their little sister, that must hurt them too.

DS4 is the most gorgeous little boy :) He's right you know you are wonderful. I know these words are rubbish, but I truly believe that Sylvie-Rose is watching over you - it's just as adults we lose the ability to see beyond the veil.

Hang in there lovely xxxxx

I know this sounds stupid but how do I know she found the light? That she isn't wandering alone somewhere between earth and heaven unable to find her way? She was only a baby. Would she have known where to go? Did someone come to fetch her? My Dad could be a bit forgetful.

That is stupid, isn't it? My Dad was forgetful on earth, they'll have fixed that in Heaven. And there's my Nana, and Auntie T. I was pregnant when my Auntie T died and after she died my auntie P found a statue of the Blessed Virgin in her room with a prayer for "chip and the baby" folded under it.
I am trying to pull myself together.
Thanks to all of you, you are wonderful.

DD1 asks me very often why Sterre died... I try to explain to her it was because of her heart being broken... as that is the easiest (can't explain a chromosomal disorder to an almost 4 year old) and Sterre also had a heart condition. She also asked whether her body was broken so I always answer yes to that too... She knows that Sterre is now with Jesus and that because she is there she is all healed and feels no more pain.

So don't worry chip I'm sure Sylvie-Rose is safe and she knew exactly where to go to, cause children just know x

Chip There is no way that so beautiful and innocent a soul as Sylvie-Rose's would not have been taken to the light. She is safe and she is loved. I truly believe that this is the case for all of our children.

chip, I feel the same way. The exact same way.

Went to visit her burial lair today. Grass always growing on it.

I don't wish I were dead because of DS and DD2. I wish I'd never been born, though.

We stopped at the churchyard yesterday on our way home, wanted to have a look at the plants we'd planted on Sterre's birthday 2 months ago. When I got there, they were all gone... :( The gardener had just done the grass and he just mowed over the whole of Sterre's plot... DH said they might grow back, but I'm not sure. Think we might need to get a flower pot to put things in so they don't get ruined.

Oh Blue? What a horrible thing for him to do. My FIL has done that sort of thing in our garden and that was bad enough. I would be furious if someone did that to Sylvie-Rose's garden. The done thing here is to put a kerb round all the graves. But I notice it doesn't seem to be done so much in the UK?

As for me, grip purchased and installed! I have to be a mother to these boys and that's that! Upstairs a little while ago, ds1 put his arms around me and I thought, no, he's still only 16, I should be the one he can come to, not the other way round.

I will see Sylvie-Rose one day. And tomorrow I will ring that medium I've been talking about ringing for a long time and will make an appointment to see her.
A while ago I was in the graveyard and a girl who was there tending her sister's grave told me about her. And then the next day, on the way to work, someone rang in to the show and recommended the very same lady. Too much of a coincidence to be ignored and I've ignored it for a while.