Love, like starlight, never dies - In loving memory of all our darling children gone too soon!

[Bluetinkerbell]

I am the gentle breeze upon your face
The twinkle in the stars
I am the sudden ray of sunshine
That warms your broken heart.

Thank you Whatevertheweather for starting the previous thread! :)

Let this place be a place of support for all of us on this path together, with lots of smiles, lots of tears, lots of hugs and lots of understanding x
A place where 'new' and 'old' bereaved Mums and parents can share their grieve, experiences and memories of their darling children.

expat you are soo right a bloody lifetime of loss

sorry but I am pissed off and close to tears... apparently according to my counsellor its taken me a long long time to realise that I will always have sadness for Fraser in my heart and that therefore everything else in my life will be harder for the rest of my days

so uggh.. just uggh .. I dont want to be a bereaved mum any more .. I have done it for 8 years now .. bloody 8 years and its enough ...I am fed up feeling like my life is harder than most people I know..

Its so f**n unfair .. why me , why us ladies why do we have to suffer for the rest of our days

as my ds says .. if god has a plan its a bloody stupid plan

i know a few of you have apologised for self indulgent rants.. but I think I win the prize for self indulgent rant of the day ...

its just too hard.. too bloody hard

We thought Billie was going to make it.
She had the curable cancer didn't she.
The one with fecking 85% cure rate.
It was just a matter of putting our heads down and getting through the treatment wasn't it.

Yes fm I am sick of it . Absolutely sick of it.

Thanks very much twinklesunshine so glad to hear it can be done, feeling guilty about enjoying things is so strange too. Hope we can get through this time with our girls. See you all in a few days. X.

Hello 3girlies, I'm so sorry about your daughter. The early days are so very hard, getting away can help although it won't be an easy thing to do - nothing you don't know already of course. Sending you ((())).

Twinkle glad that you were able to get away - I've found all of the firsts hard. I was getting a little too tied to the house when MrK gently nudged me into our first night away. I needed to do it really as the longer I left it, the harder it was getting. It exhausted me though, and doing too much still does.

Our counsellor has told us that doing anything apart from the basics is very tiring because grieving takes up so much energy. She warned us that going back to work would be especially knackering because we would be using energy to supress our emotions while putting on our professional persona - and that can leave you physically and emotionally drained. I keep trying to remember it and not expect too much of myself, hard to explain to other people though.

I'm another who had absolute confidence that my beautiful girl would make it. Although she was in a critical state after the accident, the PICU staff seemed to think there was a good chance that she would survive. Life is just so bloody cruel sometimes. I love her and miss her so much.

Feel so bad seeing the news of the little boy who drowned at Burnham on Sea and the Grandfather and little girl in Spain. So desperately sad.

We didn't even consider that Mia would die when we took her into hospital. She just had funny breathing... and it is really hard, as it seems that she should have survived that night, although very sick, if only the doctors had properly diagnosed her. That is very hard knowledge to face.

A lifetime of loss. Yep. It is just impossible that this is our reality.

MrsK I completely agree about the tiredness, I just have no energy, and seems that anything extra that I have to do during the day is a bit much. I am also knackered in the evening whereas previously I was up until all hours!

I wish I thought he would make it, but when we found him it was obvious that he wasn't going to. I was doing cpr and when the paramedics arrived I said he had already died, and they just said that they have to work on children until they get to the hospital, its protocol apparently. I did have a flicker of hope in the ambulance as I thought surely the machines could bring him back, after all children don't die, and especially my child!

Mias I am so sorry, the what ifs and whys are one of the most dreadful things about having to live without them I find. My little man suffered from febrile convulsions, and I pushed and pushed for him to be put under a consultant, and they did reluctantly but I knew something wasnt quite right. Maybe it was linked to his death, maybe not, but if they had taken more notice it may have made a difference. Awful.

Definitely a lifetime of loss, something I am finding not many people understand who havent had this happen to them. I was saying that I am already dreading next September when he should have started school, and I am going to have to watch everyone else go without him, and was just told that its a long time in the future and I will probably be feeling better then. WTF?!

xxx

I know that feeling about school Twinkle. I should be getting uniform ready for the week after next. I live a short walk away from the school and will see everyone else heading there each morning. I'm dreading it. And every time that she should be starting a new school at whatever age, I know that I'll feel it, realising what she should be doing if she hadn't died. I will never feel "better" about that. Some people just don't have a clue.

Exactly MrsK. I am sorry that school is so soon for you, its a big hurdle to have to deal with I think. I was so looking forward to his childhood, feel so sorry for him, and myself. I try and console myself with the fact that he doesnt know he will be missing school, the only thing that was on his radar was taking his lunch to preschool (which he missed by 2 weeks) and a sleepover at grandads (which he missed by 2 days). Sounds silly but does help me a bit. xxxxx

Tami I think a lot of us on here have got the measure of your dsis ( that d should really be in inverted commas!) and to be honest, I know you're itching to post on her wall but don't! She will try to turn it around to make you look like the bad sister and just cause more aggro! And it won't make her into a better auntie either, she's far too selfish to change her ways. It is hard and I know she's family but you can't choose your family. I really think you're better to keep your contact with her to a minimum, you're a far better person than she'll ever be!

I'm sorry ds is giving you bother. Funny, we think when they're babies that we only have to raise them till they're 18 but either we raise them for all of our lives or they never grow up at all.

MrsK, the first day of school will be tough. I am actually dreading September 2016, when Sylvie-Rose should start school. And then there'll be the day she should have been in secondary and the day she should have started college.

oh and fm you're not self-indulgent at all! There are times ( and I know this is a bad thing to say) when I hope there is an apocalypse in December and this whole place is wiped out and we ALL cross over and there'll be an end to the whole sorry mess! Because I don't want another 8 years or another 20 years or another 40 years of this crap!
But then there are other times when I want to book a holiday next year and extend my kitchen too!

chip, I feel like we're kindred souls here! I know exactly what you mean.

Kevin Wells re-released 'Goodbye, Dearest Holly: Ten Years On' with proceeds going to Grief Encounters. I just downloaded it.

Because you're right, twinkle, no one understands except those who lost their son or daughter in childhood/early adulthood. The ones who never lived to have their own children, oh, Aillidh so wanted children!

I'm sick with it. Sick with grief. Sick of thinking of the future. Thinking if I live till my other two are adults, then I don't want to live anymore.

And so, so desperately tired.

Hiya everyone haven't bene on for a while :( bee trying to "deal" with loosing dan but i kind of broke down with my mum the other night and some of the thoughts in my head were aired ad turns out there concerned about me and think i should go to the docs for some councelling and medication. :(

the thoughts im having arnt healthy and i dont really wana say it on here! but im sure u can get the jist of what they are. im so impatient to get the post mortem results back, its been 6 weeks since i gave birth!!!!

but expat, then R and S may give you grandchildren and you may want to be around for that! You would be a lovely Nana!

aylak am I right in thinking you are very young? Very young to have a baby and then very young to lose him? Sweetheart, I can guess at the thoughts you are having and I am sure your life is supposed to be worth more than that.
But although you will always have Dan in your heart and carry that pain with you, you also have the opportunity to live a great life.

One of the managers in ds3 and ds4's nursery lost her first son to stillbirth 29 years ago. I didn't know about it till I lost Sylvie-Rose. But she has since had four more children and I think she would describe herself as happy.

I'm not saying "forget about it and move on" because all of us here know that's not possible. But I am saying "Keep Dan in your heart and still move on with your life"
I think counselling can be useful sometimes and medication can also help so it's maybe not a bad idea to see your GP. I have found counselling good at times although before I had it I had thought "What good can it do, it won't bring her back". But although it doesn't bring her back, it has sometimes helped to know that what I'm feeling is normal.

And do keep talking here. We are all very old and wise

You know, chip, I really don't and didn't want to much even before Aillidh died. Both of them will have to move away, anyhow, as there isn't much here - no colleges, jobs, &c.

i realise after my post last nigt that this is gonna make me sound like jekyll and hyde but I am a lot further down the road than a lot of you who are posting on here just now so a goods night s sleep has helped me gain a little perspective again ..

for those if you in the early days but esp for alyak and expat this morning it hurts like hell right now..how could it not but you will one very small step at a time come through this. Try not to think too far ahead at the moment it will only make you feel worse. Try instead to concnetrate on getting through an hour without crying or feeling like doing something bad.
Once you can get through an hour try for an hour and a half..build it slowly.. get to lunchtime. Then one night you will go to bed and realise that although Dan was always in your head you didnt break down or feel like you wanted to get off the world.
It will take a long long time but you will find a new normality where you can smile again and look forward to the future
Please keep coming on here and posting.. you will find whatever is in your head/heart most of us on here have felt the same way

Lovely post fm
And also, please remember that those of us who are much further down the line can tend to post when we are 'in the pit'.
It can be scary for newly bereaved parents to see us in such despair. But although we never get 'better' or 'over it' the grief does evolve into something more managable.
It's the tsunamis we have to look out for, because when the come, they swamp us.

Love to everyone and all our precious children x

Sorry to hear that there is so much fresh pain being felt here at the moment. Tsunami is a perfect word for it - it rises so unexpectedly, caused by unseen movements in the soul, and it just engulfs you, spinning you around and it seems never-ending - then it slowly recedes again. Given the times this seems to happen to me, I obviously am the human equivalent to Indonesia or Japan...

I am in a temporary lull, between tsunamis at the moment. I have a lovely little island hill where everything is sunny, so everyone is welcome to join me. The reason is that we have just been to visit the lawyers to sort out the purchase of a nearby piece of land for Mia's Wood, and it looks as though the transaction could be completed in time for her birthday on September 15th. A weird thing to be happy about, but it makes me feel so close to her.

thank you for all your lovely words, chip im 23 wouldnt class that as young i certainly dont feel it :(

Oi Chip less of the old!

Alyak you are so young, I was 21 when I lost Charlie. It's so hard to deal with the feelings. I've finally decided to get some counselling for this after all this time, maybe it will work for you as well, I hope so.

I used to sing 'The Cradle Song' to Charlie, my favourite cover is by Shriekback. Very beautiful, but also very sad. I can't bring myself to listen to it yet.

i certainly dont feel "young" by any means. i dont want to go out, talk to anyone or interact. maybe in time that will pass. plus ive moved to a new town and dont know any1. Going up the cemetery to see dan tomorrow going to take a little packed lunch and sit there and have a chat. i always feel so at ease when im there with him, and when i walk out of the gates BANG it all hits me again x

alyak I know exactly what you mean.

I had not long turned 25 when Belle died. I'd felt so 'together' for my age up until then. I'd been to uni, got a career going, got on the property ladder, had got married and now by 24 we were expecting our first baby. I felt settled, complete and pleased I'd managed to pull it altogether by my mid-twenties. Then she died, and I aged 10 years overnight and didn't feel very together anymore. In a few months I had lines around my eyes, looked and felt so much older than my years. I'm still 'only' 27 but youth has all by left me in so many ways. X, my rainbow, has done so much to restore some of the feeling young again, more than I used to feel, but the weight of grief never goes away, but as the others have said it changes. 2 years on things are different, not better, but definitely different.

aylak, 23 is very young. I envy you in a small way because you could have another baby in the future. I can't. I have seen the healing rainbow babies give, not that they make the Mum's pain go away but they do give her a new focus.
I do have my boys but I already had them before I had Sylvie-Rose, so I don't think the effect is the same although I do love cuddling them, particularly ds3 and ds4 who are still small.

expat I think you could change your mind about the grandchildren. I have seen perfectly reasonable women turn to mush over theirs. And I don't know how these things work but what if Aillidh returned to your family in that way? I think you would know her straight away. I hope shabs doesn't mind me saying this but her grandson Lewis said something to her once which when she told us here made the hair stand up on the back of my neck! I did think ds3 "was" my Dad for a while but then a medium told me informally that ds3 is not my Dad but my Dad influences him.

I had another moment upstairs a while ago. I am reading Harry Potter to ds3. I got to the point where Harry meets the Weasley's on platform 9 and three quarters, four red haired boys and their little sister. And my eyes welled up and I had to blink back the tears. ( And yes, if any of you are pedantically minded, I do know there are six Weasley boys but Harry only saw four that day!) And I thought my boys' little sister won't be there on any train platforms, magical or otherwise.

In memory of Emily. Taken from us too soon but I'll never forget those wonderful three years we shared. I miss you so much. It's a lovely poem.