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Bereavement

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Love, like starlight, never dies - In loving memory of all our darling children gone too soon!

994 replies

Bluetinkerbell · 14/06/2012 15:51

I am the gentle breeze upon your face
The twinkle in the stars
I am the sudden ray of sunshine
That warms your broken heart.

Thank you Whatevertheweather for starting the previous thread! :)

Let this place be a place of support for all of us on this path together, with lots of smiles, lots of tears, lots of hugs and lots of understanding x
A place where 'new' and 'old' bereaved Mums and parents can share their grieve, experiences and memories of their darling children.

OP posts:
fioled · 17/08/2012 22:55

I think you are spot on too tami

Glad you 'got through' the day chip, was thinking of you.

These last two years Belle's birthday has fallen on a non-working day/this year I was off with X - I haven't had to contemplate work. Next year it falls on a working day and I don't know how I will manage or what I will be able to organise. Being a teacher I can't just book the day off, and not sure if deceased daughter's birthdays come under compassionate leave. I might have to work it. I know it will be her 3rd but I don't know how I will cope in work.

chipmonkey · 17/08/2012 23:14

That's the thing, fioled, if anything falls on a Thursday, it's a pain for me as Thursday is a day I'm normally really needed in work. But I think my boss would have understood and the shop manager came in and hugged me. She knew it was Sylvie-Rose's birthday as her own dd has her birthday on that day. My aunt who was a teacher lost two sons and I'm fairly sure she was expected to get on with it but that was a long time ago and the schools in Ireland were pretty much run by priests, some of whom had no sense of empathy!

My aunt told me that when her youngest ds was five he needed heart surgery. He had Down Syndrome but other than that, had been doing fine. The priest in charge of the school told her that she needn't take any time off, that the child would be fine in hospital on his own!! She said she finally put her foot down to the priest and went to hospital with her ds. He died on the operating table.Sad She said she was so glad she did put her foot down

chipmonkey · 17/08/2012 23:18

Something struck me in the last couple of weeks.

My Mum always told me that one of my aunts had had seven "miscarriages" before she had her dd.
Recently when I met that aunt, for the first time since losing Sylvie-Rose, she told me that two of those babies were full-term. I never knew.
My Mum had also told me that one of my cousins lost a baby at 22 weeks. My cousin yesterday told me that she lost three babies at 22 weeks, not one.

I know times are different now but it seems that my Mum really never registered the pain that would have been caused by the deaths of those babies. Is this a generational thing, did people just not talk about it?

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 17/08/2012 23:52

chip I don't think they did talk about it in past generations. I guess so many people had experienced the loss of a father, son or husband in WW1 and WW2, coupled with the higher rates of maternal deaths in labour, that somehow the loss of a child was part of life too. I also wonder that if for some people, when they never 'knew' a stillborn child, or maybe because it happened relatively frequently, that it made it somehow less significant in those days. Finally, just to make sure no-one was too emotional, the "stiff upper lip" was always seen as a socially acceptable sign of strength... Just my musings, not really based on any specific facts though.

It must have been so hard...

Tamisara · 18/08/2012 16:05

I think that Miasmummy explains it so well. I do think that previous generations were more used to infant/child mortality, and may not even have got as attached to their unborn/new offspring, because the outlook was less certain.

In my family I don't know of any stillborn children. But all my grandparents are now dead, so I can never know.

My paternal granddad lost his baby brother in a pram that he was rocking, to keep the baby quiet for his mum. The baby was screaming louder, so he kept rocking more vigorously. Then his mum went to pick up her infant, and he had a rat on him- it had bitten him, and he died. My granddad had an intense hatred of rats ever since, and I think suffered guilt. He did have quite a few siblings though.

My paternal grandmother had a sibling that died aged 5 of some childhood illness (can't remember what, but nan survived it).

I don't think life was any less precious, just more precarious, and every family would have had a child tragedy somewhere. There were also less support groups, so nowhere safe to vent emotions.

Chip I am so pleased that your aunt felt able to stand her ground, though deeply sorry that she suffered such a loss. In fact your family are pretty amazing, to have suffered so much xx

Shabs Hope you're having a lovely day xx

TodaysAGoodDay · 18/08/2012 16:25

I miss you Charlie. You would have been 21 tomorrow Sad

chipmonkey · 18/08/2012 16:28

TAGD Happy Birthday tomorrow to Charlie XX >

frasersmummy · 18/08/2012 21:13

I dont know whether to be really proud or really sad that when my boy's rabbit died today he had a few tears but then realy soon after he was really philosophical and said ..oh well my big brother has a pet now and nana will help him look after it..

he is only 7 .. he is supposed to be devastated but he has had soo much to cope with in his short life that he just gets on with it

proud he is a trooper but sad that he knows how to be

expatinscotland · 18/08/2012 21:26

Oh, fraser, you're allowed to be sad, you know?

Tomorrow is a big day for us. It's the memorial service for all the children who have died from Schehallion unit. Those who have died in the past 5 years will have their names read out.

Giraffescantdance will join us, she, the mother of a beautiful angel baby herself, was there when Aillidh died, and our friends, Gillian and John, whose 19-month-old son died on Mothering Sunday from a brain tumour.

I can't wait to give Giraffes and Gillian the silver charms I had made for them from Aillidh's pointy finger - she was forever ordering us around! - but it will be a tough day for all of us emotionally. We are all parents of children who are not with us in this life.

Aillidh's sister wants to be the one to let off her balloon.

And of course, we will visit her burial lair and let her know all about it.

We have come to a firm decision on her headstone. We would like a pink granite heart for her, with two bits on the side for flowers and a pebbled rectangle in front. In one top part of the heart, her picture, because her sister wants that, in the other, an etched orange ribbon, for the leukaemia which claimed her life.

It shall read:
Here sleeps all that was mortal of
Aillidh Christine K*
19 June 2003 - 7 July 2012
Beloved Daughter, and Elder Sister to R and S*

RESURGAM

Just have to decide on silver or gold lettering.

It seems very important to her sister, age 6, to have a headstone in place. Right now we have a wooden cross and some ornaments - two cuddlies, an angel and a resin stone in a pear shape that reads, 'A tear for my daughter'.

Tonight is 6 weeks since Aillidh died.

expatinscotland · 18/08/2012 21:27

Charlie, we'll be thinking of you when we go see Aillidh. Happy Birthday!

MrsKwazii · 18/08/2012 21:42

Happy birthday for tomorrow Charlie, and ((())) for you TAGD

Chip hope you're OK after this week and that you're having a better weekend with your wonderful boys.

FM I think you can be both proud and sad. Your DS sounds lovely.

Expat I'm so sorry to see you here. Your plans for Aillidh's headstone sound perfect. Hope the memorial service goes well, I'll bet that Giraffe's and Gillian will love their gifts. You all sound like wonderful friends - that can make such a difference. I have a number of amazing girlfriends who have helped me through the last (nearly) six months - I don't think I would be where I am without them.

Can't believe that it's almost six months since we lost our beautiful girl. How has almost half a year gone past without her? The last few weeks seem to have flown by, like the world was on a go-slow but has suddenly snapped back into real time. I think that going back to work is part of it, but there's something else that I can't quite put my finger on. Almost a shifting of how I feel, but it hasn't been a concious thing. Sorry, am babbling on.

expatinscotland · 18/08/2012 21:50

No such thing as babbling here, MrsK! You're in our thoughts every day, and your lovely DD1.

frasersmummy · 18/08/2012 21:58

expat I remember choosing the headstone as being one of the hardest things we had to do.. so well done on making the decision .. it sounds beautiful

I hope it goes as well as these things can tomorrow ..

twinklesunshine · 18/08/2012 23:26

Expat your plans for a headstone sound lovely. We still have our little boy at home as he was cremated and can't decide what to do with him at the moment. I am just reaching the 5 month mark, and like Mrs K says, something has changed and although I am just as devastated and upset I can cope better I think, although some days I go backwards. Someone else said that its like a yo yo, and what goes down must come back up again, and thats what I try and think.

Hello to everyone else. Frasersmummy I have lost my mum too, 6 years ago, and it has all come back to me now that my little boy has died too. I am sorry you are struggling if you want to pm me with regard to that I would be more than happy to blab on about how I have coped with her death.

I have just come back from holiday today, we went to Spain, and it was really hard. I spent most of the time in tears or close to tears looking at all the complete happy families - and missed him so much and wished he was here. I think its the day to day things that I find so hard, no need to cut up anyones food, no need to pack the peppa pig swimming towel, or armbands, or swimming stuff, only 4 sat round the table not 5, it wasn't great. But am glad that it is out the way and is in keeping with my mantra of make new memories make new memories. I was also caught out by one of those photographers at a waterpark and she wanted to take a photo of my 'family'. I was just pushed forward and didnt really get the chance to say no, but I found it so hard, as it shouldnt be my family there is a lovely little boy missing. I didnt buy the picture?.

xxxxx

chipmonkey · 18/08/2012 23:36

twinkle, dh and I went away to Gran Canaria after Sylvie-Rose died. Just us, no kids.
It was lovely to be in the sunshine but it was also hell on earth. One scene that I always remember was being in a restaurant and there was a couple with two grown up daughters and their parents were obviously so happy in their company and proud of them. And I thought I would never sit in a restaurant with Sylvie-Rose. Not ever.

Upset this evening over a Philosophy/Religion Thread. I am not even sure why I'm upset.

TodaysAGoodDay · 18/08/2012 23:58

Thank you all so much. I'm a bit Sad about it, I've never told anyone before, just passed the anniversaries by myself, sometimes with a candle, sometimes not. I feel so much for everybody on here, thinking of you chip with Sylvie-Rose, for you expat I can't believe it's 6 weeks already, MrsK thank you. It's so strange telling people, I got no sympathy from Charlie's dad, not even at the funeral. You are wonderful people, thank you for caring xx

expatinscotland · 19/08/2012 00:17

Thank you, frasersmummy. There are so many buried near her. Across in a boy who died at a little over 2 months. There is a picture of him on his stone, with oxygen prongs in. And the bench that we sat at for her picnic is from his elder brother and sister.

In the next row over is a 16-month-old girl, and instead of a stone there is a big Tigger. DD2 and DS love it! They go over and touch it and at first DH told them no, for stepping on someone's grave but I don't think she'd mind, tbh.

There is an angel baby to the back. His grandfather came last we were there. To clean and tidy up. He was born the same year she was.

We'd put in her little cross.

He stepped over and said, 'Just tell me to go away if you want. But I'd thought this was a child's grave I just thought I'd say hello and sorry.'

I was crying but told him, no, he didn't have to go away at all and yes, it was a child's grave and asked him what had happened to baby Andrew, if he didn't mind sharing.

He said he'd been born at 40 weeks, still, a cord accident. Less than 2 months after Aillidh's birth.

expatinscotland · 19/08/2012 00:20

All the more reason for us to celebrate Charlie, Todays! And so we will!

twinkles, we're 4 not 5, too.

Thinking of you.xx

chipmonkey · 19/08/2012 00:29

expat, I have had several hugs in the graveyard. Sometimes I think people hover and want to come over, others just nod and smile. And if she wasn't there, I'd probably never have set foot in the place until the day they buried my there.

TATG I'm glad you found us here. Please feel free to come back anytime.

fm it is sad that our children have had to be acquainted with death. I also wonder if I've allowed Sylvie-Rose's death to cloud our boys' lives too much. But right now, I'm not sure if I can do any better.

chipmonkey · 19/08/2012 00:34

I still think of us as seven

We are Seven

by William Wordsworth

?A simple child,
That lightly draws its breath,
And feels its life in every limb,
What should it know of death?

I met a little cottage girl:
She was eight years old, she said;
Her hair was thick with many a curl
That clustered round her head.

She had a rustic, woodland air,
And she was wildly clad:
Her eyes were fair, and very fair;
?Her beauty made me glad.

"Sisters and brothers, little maid,
How many may you be?"
"How many? Seven in all," she said,
And wondering looked at me.

"And where are they? I pray you tell."
She answered, "Seven are we;
And two of us at Conway dwell,
And two are gone to sea.

"Two of us in the churchyard lie,
My sister and my brother;
And, in the churchyard cottage, I
Dwell near them with my mother."

"You say that two at Conway dwell,
And two are gone to sea,
Yet ye are seven! I pray you tell,
Sweet maid, how this may be."

Then did the little maid reply,
"Seven boys and girls are we;
Two of us in the churchyard lie,
Beneath the churchyard tree."

"You run about, my little maid,
Your limbs they are alive;
If two are in the churchyard laid,
Then ye are only five."

"Their graves are green, they may be seen,"
The little maid replied,
"Twelve steps or more from my mother's door,
And they are side by side.

"My stockings there I often knit,
My kerchief there I hem;
And there upon the ground I sit,
And sing a song to them.

"And often after sunset, sir,
When it is light and fair,
I take my little porringer,
And eat my supper there.

"The first that died was sister Jane;
In bed she moaning lay,
Till God released her of her pain;
And then she went away.

"So in the churchyard she was laid;
And, when the grass was dry,
Together round her grave we played,
My brother John and I.

"And when the ground was white with snow
And I could run and slide,
My brother John was forced to go,
And he lies by her side."

"How many are you, then," said I,
"If they two are in heaven?"
Quick was the little maid's reply,
"O master! we are seven."

"But they are dead; those two are dead!
Their spirits are in heaven!"
'Twas throwing words away; for still
The little maid would have her will,
And said, "Nay, we are seven!"

expatinscotland · 19/08/2012 00:34

chip, so sorry you're upset over that thread. I know the one.

expatinscotland · 19/08/2012 00:36

He put fresh flowers, chip. And after he'd left I saw where he'd put them. It was a special stake. 'For my grandson', the vase read.

expatinscotland · 19/08/2012 02:09

For all who missed it. Here's a video Giraffe's put together for Aillidh:

TodaysAGoodDay · 19/08/2012 10:33

I saw that thread too chip. It was very sad. And that's a beautiful poem.

I'm sitting here in my DS's room (he's 5) and I'm crying about Charlie. I have no idea why I'm so upset today, maybe it's telling you all this, I'm not sure. My friend is taking me out for lunch (she doesn't know what happened) and I don't drink, but I am going to have a glass of wine today to toast Charlie.

I'm thinking of you today expat x

twinklesunshine · 19/08/2012 10:41

Expat, that video is beautiful what a lovely girl. I can't bare to look at photos, but wish I could so that I could create something like this for people to remember him. My husband has posted lots of videos of him to facebook but I can't look.

When I went to look at the graveyard near us I was upset as there weren't any children there. I know that sounds awful but I didn't want him to be the only one all on his own, and that has been one of the reasons that he is still at home. I would feel so much comfort seeing other parents up there who have to deal with this too, it just makes me feel even more alone in real life, as I don't know anyone this has happened to.

xxxxx