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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Love, like starlight, never dies - In loving memory of all our darling children gone too soon!

994 replies

Bluetinkerbell · 14/06/2012 15:51

I am the gentle breeze upon your face
The twinkle in the stars
I am the sudden ray of sunshine
That warms your broken heart.

Thank you Whatevertheweather for starting the previous thread! :)

Let this place be a place of support for all of us on this path together, with lots of smiles, lots of tears, lots of hugs and lots of understanding x
A place where 'new' and 'old' bereaved Mums and parents can share their grieve, experiences and memories of their darling children.

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 31/07/2012 00:52

The first time we went away was for a week. I got these sanctuary candles to put on her grave, they burn for eight days. But still felt tremendous guilt.
Before she died, I had never paid any attention to graves. I thought and still think that the person themselves is not there but in a much better place and actually still with us. I know she came with us to Gran Canaria that time. Do you remember the pink fabric frogs she found for me, shabba?
But that was a few months after she died. Before that, I hadn't felt ready at all.

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 31/07/2012 09:38

Am so glad you are able to enjoy this holiday more than the last Fio. it does become easier.

Everyone expected us to go away on holiday when C died (especially since I had spent 6 months in hospital with him and I was shattered), but we couldn't. It felt like we would be leaving him behind.

We eventually went away when I was pg with ds2. It was for a long weekend, and the timing of it all felt right. But everyone has a right time and everyone is different.

It would have been C's 6th birthday yesterday. We went out for a family day with ds2&3 and had a lovely time. But someone was missing. What would you look like now Cole?

Sorry to see new faces on here. It's not the way it should be.

shabbapinkfrog · 31/07/2012 09:55

Moveit - where on earth did those years go? xxx Good to see you posting xx

twinklesunshine · 31/07/2012 10:37

Expat, so sorry for your loss. I am at 4 months and have booked to go away the week after next. Hopefully it will be ok. We are going abroad which is something that we have never done with the kids, we have always had holidays in this country, so I am hoping I can manage ok. I can't say I am looking forward to it, but it is something to focus on.

I have been doing much better these last few weeks, really trying, and taking the boys out for little trips. Sorted through all his clothes the other day as I am going to have them made into a blanket, and it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. As I find a lot of the time, the anticipation is worse.

Ilike glad you had a lovely day on his birthday, I hope to be able to do that. His birthday is the beginning of January, and I have always loved it because it was a continuation of christmas and got the year off to a lovely start. Now I envisage a hideous christmas followed by 9 days of upset until his birthday. It will never feel as it should. Ugh

Am enjoying watching the Olympic swimming and gymnastics too, keeps my mind from wondering.

xxxxx

Tamisara · 31/07/2012 11:04

expat mumof2teenboys I am so very sorry that you've had to find yourselves here xx

I'm sorry too for not posting much. DD1 has been ill, and it has shaken me, just how anxious & almost paralysed I become, at such times. I also wanted to run away, the most selfish thing in the world, so I kind of no longer know who I am.

I do check in, and think of you all though xx

chipmonkey · 31/07/2012 13:38

How are you doing now, Tami? How is dd1?

peterpansmum · 31/07/2012 15:11

I have found holidays incredibly difficult - packing for 3 catches me every time. This year we went to an amazing place called the Sandrose project in Marazion in Cornwall which is a very special place set up for bereaved families - check out their website www.sandrose.org and there are some photos on my blog

alyak2011 · 31/07/2012 20:22

i have dannys funeral tomorrow. the cars going to b here at 10:45 i have a million things to do, bath,get my outfit and iron it etc and ive bene meaning to do it all today but i still havent :(

got the flowers and balloons today happy with them...just seem to be in a daze. the reverand phoned me today just to check how i was doing...im so so scared about tomorrow!!!

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 31/07/2012 23:26

alyak You can do it. It is Danny's special day, and the time to show the world just how much you love him. What you wear doesn't matter, what you feel is far more important.

expatinscotland · 31/07/2012 23:38

Thinking of you, alyack!

twinklesunshine · 31/07/2012 23:43

Peterpansmum, just been reading your blog, seems that my little boy had a very similar thing happen. He was only just 3, we put him to bed, and when we went to check on him he had died. We are awaiting the results of the post mortem and inquest, but have been told to expect SIDS, but renamed for toddlers as SUDC, sudden unexplained death in childhood. The Sandrose place looks tovely, I would love to go somewhere like that, especially where you can read little notes from people who had been there before, as you said makes you feel less alone.

chipmonkey · 01/08/2012 00:14

Can you go to the sandrose place if you're Irish?

Firsttobed · 01/08/2012 08:04

Thinking of you today alyak. We had balloons too and flowers from the garden which the children picked. Hugs xx

peterpansmum · 01/08/2012 09:47

Thinking of you today Alyak x

Chip - I really don't know the answer but if you give them a call or drop them an email I'm sure they would be able to answer your question they really are lovely folks Smile

Twinkle - am sorry to hear about your wee boy - I have been in the place you are right now and it took almost 5 months to get our final PM results - we expected SIDS/SUDC but ended up with a cause of death which shocked us big time! PM me on here or add me on FB if you fancy chatting more. Have you had any support from SUDC in New Jersey? They are a great organisation and provide good support and information xx

chipmonkey · 01/08/2012 12:06

Thinking of you alyak xx

alyak2011 · 01/08/2012 12:32

thank you for all your support....just got home, didnt htink it was possible to cry so much! held dan in the car there and on the way back, everyone was lovely and helpfull.

let the balloons off just in time before it rained. just sitting here with my coat on, everyone has left, the fmaily, the priest etc.... sitting here with my mum and sister xx

chipmonkey · 01/08/2012 14:56

When we went up to her garden yesterday, I asked dh to get one of the sanctuary candles from the top of the dresser. He lifted it down and remarked that it looks like a bottle of milk. Oh the irony! I have always thought that they look like that, they even have a yellow lid like the medela bottles that I expressed into the last day she was on earth.

KarenHL · 01/08/2012 15:05

Just to remember our Allan Martin James HL. Born and died Christmas Eve 2010. Miss you wee man, wish we'd had more time.

Love you xxx

Big sis misses you, desperate for another sib - keeps trying to practice on any baby she meets.

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 01/08/2012 16:25

So sorry about your darling Allan karenhl. I wish you'd had more time together too x

{{Alyak}} I remember the afternoon of the funeral being a very strange time. The funeral is a huge mental and emotional hurdle, yet I did't really feel any different afterwards. I'm not quite sure what I was expecting tbh. Be kind to yourself, I'm not sure there is anything else I can say apart from you are all in my thoughts.

Lovely to see you ppm, you and Gregor are often in my thoughts.

twinkle - we always make a point of marking C's birthday and remember day with a family outing. Maybe we are kidding ourselves, but we try to see it as a way of remembering happy family times and that this lifetime of grief is not going to get the better of us. As the years have passed it has got easier, I hope it will be the same for you.

chipmonkey · 01/08/2012 17:23

Karen, so sorry about your little boy. My ds4 loved having a baby sister and I feel her death deprived him of the chance to be the lovely big brother he could have been.

Tamisara · 01/08/2012 18:34

alyak Today was such a hard day for you, you've been very strong for Danny. I was thinking about you today. Hope you're looking after yourself. The balloons sound lovely xx

Karen so sorry to hear about your son Allan x

Tamisara · 01/08/2012 18:35

Oops I forgot - chip DD1 is a lot better now. She's still not back to her normal self yet, and still isn't eating much xx

chipmonkey · 02/08/2012 01:32

I'm glad she's feeling better, Tami. ds4 was just a little bit sick yesterday and I still had to check that he was breathing before I went to sleep.

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 02/08/2012 22:02

Hello karen. Your darling boy - it is hard to hear of your heartbreak, but hope you find some comfort here.

tami glad to hear DD1 is on the mend. She will eat, don't worry... but so easy to say, I know. Think I would be the same as you, chip

alyak how are you feeling today? I hope that Danny's funeral went as you had hoped. But it is not good-bye, only "see you later".

I am full-on with my Olympic volunteering, and it is weird being part of something so large, something which is totally separate from my grief about Mia. Tiring, but I am enjoying it. I hold Mia within me, part of me.

chipmonkey · 02/08/2012 22:28

Ds1 is 16 today. Sylvie-Rose should be one on the 16th. I should have two August children, I should be planning her first birthday party.

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