Please or to access all these features

Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Love, like starlight, never dies - In loving memory of all our darling children gone too soon!

994 replies

Bluetinkerbell · 14/06/2012 15:51

I am the gentle breeze upon your face
The twinkle in the stars
I am the sudden ray of sunshine
That warms your broken heart.

Thank you Whatevertheweather for starting the previous thread! :)

Let this place be a place of support for all of us on this path together, with lots of smiles, lots of tears, lots of hugs and lots of understanding x
A place where 'new' and 'old' bereaved Mums and parents can share their grieve, experiences and memories of their darling children.

OP posts:
IsabelMamma · 27/07/2012 12:19

Helloo Ladies! I really need to say SORRY for not posting these past 2 or probly more weeks! I've been in a dark place these days. So warning this is a long post Blush

I do miss you all and thinking of you all lovely ladies!

first Congratulations! I know you are worried but still , like chip put it , there's 75% in favor of you. We can hold on to that chance. When I was pregnant with Isabel I got 1:19 chance of having a baby with Downs based on my duo test as compared to a normal 1:250 for my age, but we decided to keep her and although she died at week 39 in my womb, we saw it and later confirmed that she has no downs. I also know another woman who has 1:5 downs and 20% chance of some genetic defects (80% favorable) but her baby has no downs or genetic defects. I hope this will help you look think more on the positive side.

My dear Mia how are you and the lo doing? I've been thinking of you a lot.

alyak so sorry for your loss. I also just loss my beautiful Isabel 2mos. ago, she was born sleeping at 39 weeks. Like what the other lovely ladies here said, it will get better as time goes on. I still cry nowadays but only when I'm at her grave or in the shower with a loud music in the bathroom.

We just got back from a week vacation. It was really nice to have some time off grieving and to focus on all the blessings that we still have. DD1 had a blast. One thing I noticed though is that everywhere we go I'm always imagining how it would be if we have Isabel with us. I would probly not be able to ride all the rides with DD1 in the amusement park we went to. Or won't be able to go in some places where pram are not allowed inside and so on. I was dreaming and imagining while we were on vacation and when I do snap back to reality I get misty eyed and just shake my head. It was both fun and sad. Will it always be like this?

AND I think I bought more stuff for Isabel to put in her memory corner, "shrine" as my Mum calls it, than DD1. I really don't care however people calls it. It's my Isabel corner in the house.

I think I agree with chip that when our children died we should have some kind of marks or signs in our body or forehead so that people won't make assumptions.

It's really hard waiting for results mecha. We just came back from the hospital meeting this morning. There's no help in there. They can't really tell what killed Isabel. They found GBS in my urine but not enough to infect her & cause her death. My placenta has some traces of GBS but they thought it was infected only when I delivered it. I have Gestational Diabetes and that made Isabel's heart slightly bigger but still not suspected as the cause of her death. All tests of my blood and amniocentesis came back okay. They said Isabel is a healthy baby except that her heart stopped 5 days before planned CS. The only test result we are waiting for now is the placenta test. That will be in another 4weeks or so. So it's back to waiting again.

chipmonkey · 27/07/2012 14:47

twinkle, the only thing I will say to you is that although there is now a big age gap between your ds1 and ds3, that gap will not seem so big in years to come and they will always have each other, even though there will always be someone missing at the same time.
Dh and his younger brother are good friends, even though there is a five year gap. And as your ds3 grows, there will be more noise!
My ds1 is a wonderful big brother and loves playing with ds3 and ds4 and they really look up to him.

twinklesunshine · 28/07/2012 15:39

Thanks Chip, yes I hope that will be the case, gives me hope when hearing about how well your boys get on. I know loads of people who intentionally had this age gap, and its fine, I think its just because I am not used to it. Yes am looking forward to the noise! xxx

expatinscotland · 28/07/2012 16:09

alyak, so sorry for your loss.

Just joining in here.

Aillidh died from respiratory failure after contracting two lung infections following stem cell transplant for acute myeloid leukaemia three weeks ago today.

She was 9 years old.

shabbapinkfrog · 28/07/2012 16:44

Welcome Expat - just so sorry we had to meet up on this thread xx

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 28/07/2012 16:54

Hello again expat. So, so sorry you find yourself here. We have all thinking and praying for you and Aillidh. I hope you feel that this can be a safe place for you, and sadly, plenty of us have felt similar heartbreak to you. (and please accept my apologies if my Dad's comments on my Mia thread seemed a bit odd, I will explain to him...) xx

Bluetinkerbell · 28/07/2012 16:54

Welcome Expat so sorry you had to join us here... we've all been thinking about you and Aillidh a lot the past few weeks x

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 28/07/2012 16:54

Hey, expat. I just welled up when I saw your name here. I so didn't want you to have to be here. After all your beautiful girl has been through, we were all rooting for her to pull through xx

frasersmummy · 28/07/2012 17:08

Welcome to this special corner of mn expat..

There are far too many people on this thread...I am soo glad we are all here for each other and I hope every bereaved parent/grandparent finds a warm welcome here

but as my all too succinct 7 year old said a few weeks ago .. well mum if god has a plan .. then its a stupid plan..looking at how many people drop in and out this thread then I have to agree ..

expatinscotland · 28/07/2012 18:13

I'm so sad that time has stopped for her.

alyak2011 · 28/07/2012 20:44

Hiya expat really sorry to see you here, im very sorry for your loss! its been 18 days since my son danny passed :( and i have the funeral on wednesday. Ive never been so scared in my life...i dont know how im going to get through it. You will find a lot of support here the ladys are lovely :)

Firsttobed · 28/07/2012 21:07

Welcome Expat and I'm sorry that you're here. You and Aillidh were and are still in our thoughts.

twinkle I think it's not to unusual to compare ourselves to others and think about how things should have been. I do. It doesn't make things easier for me but I find it very difficult not to.

mias how's the Olympic volunteering going? Have you been busy yet?

Thanks for your thoughts everyone.

chipmonkey · 28/07/2012 22:48

Expat, I feel like that too. And Sylvie-Rose got so little time. But I tell myself that in Heaven there is infinite time. And that isn't a massive comfort when we're here in this reality, outliving our children. But we will get there!

lavandes · 28/07/2012 23:02

Hi ladies xx

Welcome expat I am so very sorry you find yourself here but you will gain so much love and support. xxx

expatinscotland · 28/07/2012 23:34

It's a lifetime of loss. That's our inheritance. All of us here.

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 29/07/2012 00:22

And knowing that we will never be 100% happy ever again... That knowledge is hard to accept.

shabbapinkfrog · 29/07/2012 02:34

I am sat downstairs watching rubbish TV - cant sleep. The entire house is quiet. Could I just say that although none of us will get to 100% happy again we will come very close to it. Not sure that I was ever 100% happy before my Gareth and Matty died.....but I do know that we will all get 'through this' - life will gain new and different meaning.xx

mumof2teenboys · 29/07/2012 08:10

It's been 4 weeks since James died, I'm not sure how that time has passed so fast but so slowly. I can't get my head around that fact. 4 weeks? How?

shabbapinkfrog · 29/07/2012 10:13

So glad you found us 'Mumof' - just so sorry we have all found each other here, on this thread xxx

chipmonkey · 29/07/2012 11:07

mumof, welcome to the thread and so, so sorry that you need to be here.
And yes, time keeps marching on and the world keeps turning even though sometimes you want to shout "Stop, I need to get off!"

frasersmummy · 29/07/2012 17:36

shabs is right girls I know you all think you will never be happy again ..but
you will be...

there will be a day when you smile and plan for the future. For those of you who have lost your only child, there will always be 3 of you. There may one day be 4 or even 5 of you but for now there will always be 3 of you.
For those of you with other kids the sentiment is the same jsut with different numbers

Life will never be the same again .... how could it be but you will come out of the other side and build a new "normal " around the family you have ..

For those of you who dont know my first son was stillborn over 8 years ago (how the hell it can be 8 years is beyond me but it is ) and I lost my mum in Dec last year

The only thing keeping me going is knowing that having come through losing my (then) only son that I will come through losing my mum too

one day at a time girls ... you will come through.... and one day the sun will shine again

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 29/07/2012 20:54

Thank you fm and shabs. I wrote what I felt, but I was also hoping that someone might be able to tell me that things can change one day...

Lots of weird dreams about my whole life, including Dh and being pg, is destroyed before my eyes. I guess that Mia's death has challenged everything which I considered stable and secure, and my fears manifest themselves in my dreams. Life just feels so fragile. I have to appreciate each second which is good...

shabbapinkfrog · 30/07/2012 14:17

Afternoon girls - everybody OK? x

fioled · 30/07/2012 23:04

hi everyone, sorry I'm not posting much.

So many new faces here again. :(

Wise words as always from fm and shab

We're away on holiday at the moment, and so far its been lovely. This is our 2nd holiday since Belle died. The first time we went away it was a complete disaster. I couldn't cope being that 'far away from her'. At the time I was visiting the cemetery about twice a week, and I struggled to cope with the missed visits. Being away is different this time.It goes to show how things change over the years. Like fm somehow one day you realise you are planning for the future, enjoying some life again, smiling. A new normal. Like mias said, nothing is ever 100% but I guess we're sort of getting to as good as it will ever be now one step at a time.

Having a fiasco with her handprint bracelet at the moment though. I forgot to bring it with me (I don't wear it every day anymore because X keeps pulling at it and I'm anxious he is going to break it, that is a whole other guilt story because I feel I should be wearing it and I fail her when I don't), so had to send my Mum to go and get it before they travelled down here for the wedding.

then today for a sickening moment I thought I'd lost it while we were on the beach. I was on the verge of a full on meltdown, but I'd put it in the beach bag it without registering that I had. I'm overcome with the guilt at the moment. X takes up so much of my attention that I'm so scared he is taking away from the Mummy I need to be to her too.

This parenting subsequent babies is hard on so many levels.

expatinscotland · 30/07/2012 23:22

A lot of offers of places to stay to go away, but right now, like fioled, just not able to go away from her. Not able to be separated from DD2 and DS now, either, after over 7 months away.