Love, like starlight, never dies - In loving memory of all our darling children gone too soon!

[Bluetinkerbell]

I am the gentle breeze upon your face
The twinkle in the stars
I am the sudden ray of sunshine
That warms your broken heart.

Thank you Whatevertheweather for starting the previous thread! :)

Let this place be a place of support for all of us on this path together, with lots of smiles, lots of tears, lots of hugs and lots of understanding x
A place where 'new' and 'old' bereaved Mums and parents can share their grieve, experiences and memories of their darling children.

alyak I am so sorry about your son. What was his name? I lost my second DD Tamsin, she was born sleeping at 37 weeks, last October xx

Blue (((hugs))) I'm so glad that Sterre sent you something xx

my sons name was danny ray, i have the funeral to arrange tomorrow, im really not sure how im going to get through it and i really have no clue what to do in regards to the arragements etc :( not on here much to check post please pm me if anyone would like to chat i could really use it xx

Good afternoon, ladies. xx

Thank you all for talking me through my wobble. Things are hard, and on one level they always will be, but there is always hope.

Saw the Doctor today to talk about Dexter, but we still haven't heard anything about what might have caused my early labour. 12 1/2 weeks since he was born. I can hardly believe it.

However today the most beautiful pink rose has bloomed in my garden. We have lived in this house just over a year, I certainly didn't plant it and I haven't seen it before at all! No idea where it came from, but it is lovely.

Wishing us peaceful, sunshine-y days.

there, it's those roses again!

Hey Alyak, I lost my little 3 year old son 4 months ago now, can't believe it has been that long. So sorry to hear about Danny, how did the funeral arrangements go?

Mech I think it is going to be very up and down for a long time, certainly feels that way to me. Most days I feel that I cannot bare to carry on for one more minute, but somehow I do. Lovely to hear about the rose. My little boys fav colour was yellow, and we have planted a yellow rose bush and got a tree that has yellow buds.

I am going to make a real effort to get out the house and do some activites over the summer with my 5 year old. I need to get used to just having 2 children and he needs to get used to trying to do things without his little sidekick constantly with him. I am coming to realise that the longer I put off facing up to the fact that I now only have 2 children, the harder it is going to get. I know there is always talk about the 'acceptance' stage of grief, and I always found it odd, because its not like I don't know he died, but now I see that it is as much about accepting what has been left behind and trying to build something new out of it. Ugh.

Hey to everyone else lots of love xxxx

Hiya twinkle, well i ment with the funeral director, he said there will be no charge for the funeral, he said we will have a black limo and that i can hold dan from my house to the church, carry him in and out and then to the baby section in the cemetary. He also said i could put some stuff in the coffin, so ive got a teddy ive had since i was born and a letter ( that seems foolish really )

i have the preist coming to see me tomorrow, i think i want a small private service as to be honest im dreading the day, its arranged for the 1st of august. There is only going to be 7 people attending myself included, the babys dad didnt want to know from the day he found out i was pregnant so its just my close family. I am taking blue roses and also blue and white balloons to let off.

pm me xx

alyak I am so sorry that you find yourself here, without your beautiful Danny Ray. It sounds as though you have a good funeral director, who is sensitive to your needs. A small thing to be glad about, in the scheme of things... but in case you don't know, you can also choose a outfit for your little boy, and spend some time with him beforehand if you want to.

Yes, the 1st August will be impossibly hard, but it is also a chance for you to honour Danny with your love as a mother. You have that special role, no-one else in the world can say that they are his mummy. You are both so, so special.

Welcome alyak. I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy. I lost my little Danny too just under three months ago. These early days are so hard, especially having to make the funeral arrangements, but I promise you the pain does get a bit easier to bear as you go along. The funeral director may have already spoken to you about this but you can also choose which music - if any - you have at the funeral. I found this so hard at the time but I did put quite a lot of thought into it, and on the day I found the music a great comfort and I love the fact that now those three songs belong to my boy forever.

Twinkle yes that's it exactly. It's not that we don't accept that they've gone, we just can't bear to have to accept that this is our life now. And doing anything constructive is so hard because it's like saying we do accept it when every fibre of our being recoils against it. You sound like you are making some very brave steps forward.

thank you everyone for their comments its really helping me...

xxx

chip now you mention roses... we have a rosebush in the garden, DH was very disappointed a while ago because there was only one rosebud... we've got loads of pink roses on them now

My sister had her little baby boy yesterday, he's gorgeous! Can't wait to meet him next week!

Big hugs for everyone

twinkle, that's it, isn't it?
The other day, I went to a funpark with ds3 and ds4. We had a lovely time, we really did. But all the time, I was thinking "People are looking at me and thinking 'that lady has two boys' " because ds1 and ds2 were at home ( too sophisticated for fun parks) and Sylvie-Rose died. Now I will get to go places with ds1 and ds2 again but I can never bring Sylvie-Rose anywhere. Still, if anyone asks, I say I have five.

Oh, and I forgot! The fun park is Clara Lara in County Wicklow, nestled in the Wicklow mountains in the Avonmore Valley. It is such a lovely place. While walking with ds3 and ds4, I found a grassy area under some trees, and it was practically covered in white feathers of all different sizes. I fancied that all our angels had been playing there and were letting me know,.

alya I'm very sorry to hear about your son Danny. We lost little B 3 months ago at almost 22 weeks. Good tips above about funerals, we put photos if his family in as well as 101 other bits. We spent a lot of time planning his funeral and were really pleased that it was a perfect tribute to his short life. I look back on that day with a smile for him.

blue hugs for your nephew and you.

twinkle and mech hugs for your hard times. chip I'm pleased that my angel found you, love to think of him playing in the woods.

We had B's post mortem results. It's not good, looks genetic. I was all excited about this next bit - we're expecting again, still very early days - but now I'm just worried. Can't believe that it came from us and now clearly there are concerns about this next bean who we are blessed to have.

Oh "First" how worrying for you!
I am so happy you're expecting again but so sorry you have the worry about B's genetic problems to think about now. It should be a time when you could look forward to little ray of light.
Could they give you any idea about what the chances are of the same condition recurring?

chip it could be 1in 4. In a way that's the best case scenario because they're trying to do molecular gene testing now so at least if the mutations can be identified then this one could be tested early on

I shall be keeping my fingers crossed for you first. I'd love to say congratulations because it's wonderful news (in fact I will - congratulations!) but I can see that it's a terrible worry too.

Well then, that's a 75% chance that everything will be fine. Which are good odds. Good enough odds to say congratulations!

Oh first you must be so anxious. I will say congratulations and I will keep my fingers crossed. It is wonderful news, but I can see why you must be worried too.

Waiting for results is awful. I still haven't heard anything from the hospital about why my labour started and it is driving me a bit batty. I know that we may never find out, but I also know they took samples and tests that I haven't heard the results from yet!

Congratulations to Auntie Blue as well :)

I am off this afternoon to meet the little boy from the incubator next to Dex in the NNU. He got home last weekend. I am really looking forward to it, but it will be difficult at the same time.

I have put up a picture on my profile of Dexter's view. I think I might be brave and put up one or two of Dexter too.

Wishing us all peace xx

Thanks guys. Yes 75% is good but what if? I really really hope that we can have a black and white answer. One of the hardest things when I was still pregnant with B was that we didn't have any firm answers. There was so much unknown. At least with what they think, I now feel more strongly that we made the right decision for him so that's a silver lining. There will be a lot of waiting now! X

mech I hope you get your results soon and that they give you the answers that you need. Have a good afternoon, I remember that you enjoyed your meeting with them before. Lovely pictures x

first congratulations! Think I like chip's view best... 75% chance that everything will be fine. But yes, the uncertainty is so hard.

mech hope this afternoon's meeting with the little boy was gentle for you. Very brave, but can completely understand why you are doing it. I saw one of Mia's friends on Tuesday - he immediately headed for the local water feature and climbed in, fully clothed, and the nearby waiters called him the 'fish baby!'

shabba somehow, you were in my dreams last night as a fellow Olympic volunteer. I was a bit of you, because you were working with Harry Potter... no idea how all that came together in my head, but there you are...

chip isn't it weird about how sensitive we are about people 'thinking things' about us. I am like that with this pg - sure people are thinking that if I am without another child, then this is my first.

alyak how are you today, my lovely?

Mech, Dexter is beautiful! And you are so young!

First, when I was pregnant with Sylvie-Rose, we got a slightly dodgy result at her nuchal scan in that some of the hormones were reading high. There had also been a delay in getting the results which meant that it was too late for any further tests. The waiting for the 20 week scan was so worrying and I remember being so relieved when she looked fine. (Actually it does make me sad to think that she was fine and she still died.) Really keeping everything crossed for you that it will all be OK.

Mias, sorry X-posts!

I do wonder why I'm bothered what people think. I don't know them, they don't know me. Sometimes I wish that when your child died that something happened, that some physical change happened, that you grew a mark on your forehead so everyone knew and then they would not make assumptions about you and your family.

I think that Sylvie-Rose and indeed, all our children, were human, and they deserve some visibility. That I didn't feel that I was walking around, pushing an invisible pushchair, making invisible purees and spooning them into my invisible baby.

Mia - that is really funny....if you could see me - I am 4ft 10 inches tall and wide and although I love sport with a passion I am built 'for comfort and not for speed' Its weird how we dream isin't it? Hope I was doing a good job

Mias/Chip I feel exactly the same. Today, on my mission to be out 'doing things' I took the boys on a little steam train ride to a beach. Normally I have a 4 year old, 3 year old, and baby, all boys, and I have lost count of the number of times people have commented how I have my hands full etc and I always just laugh because I love it, its all I ever wanted. Now, going out with a baby and a 5 year old, there is no noise, no chatter, no busyness, and I think people look at me and think how easy I have it, and why have I got such an age gap. I spend all my time looking at other families, counting how many children they have, their age gaps, boys or girls, how they interact with each other. I can't stop myself, and today I realised I didn't hear my little boy asking me a question as I was busy watching a lovely happy family on the train sat by us. I wish I was that family. I used to be. Then I say to myself, that actually the last time I took the 3 of them out was Feb half term, and we went to the zoo. I remember sitting on the edge of a little playarea feeding the baby, the boys running around together, and thinking that I was so lucky that they would always have each other and someone to play with. A month later it was all gone. But that was nearly 6 months ago now, so I am back to my make new memories make new memories mantra. I think the accepting of this new life is going to be the hardest thing to bare, even more so than him not actually being here, if that makes sense. xx