Love, like starlight, never dies - In loving memory of all our darling children gone too soon!

[Bluetinkerbell]

I am the gentle breeze upon your face
The twinkle in the stars
I am the sudden ray of sunshine
That warms your broken heart.

Thank you Whatevertheweather for starting the previous thread! :)

Let this place be a place of support for all of us on this path together, with lots of smiles, lots of tears, lots of hugs and lots of understanding x
A place where 'new' and 'old' bereaved Mums and parents can share their grieve, experiences and memories of their darling children.

First we don't have a grave either, he was cremated and is in our bedroom! He started off in his own bed but because the boys share, and my older son wanted a friend round to play, I stripped his bed and moved his ashes in with us. We did go and have a look at the cemetry, but we live in a really small village and the church is in the middle of the village and overlooked, so anyone could see me when I visited him which put me off. I always thought it was a bit odd people keeping ashes at home, not sure why, but now I can't imagine doing anything else. Also, he wont be able to have his own family so wont be buried with a wife or anyone so he is going to go in with us, and is just going to have to wait at home until one of us dies.

Tami I don't think how you felt about cremation is stupid at all, whatever makes us the most comfortable is the best thing to do. I know what you mean about fire, but I was more concerned about him being buried because I had visions of me in such a state at his grave trying to dig him up. Couldn't handle that. Isn't it funny that what gives comfort to someone is totally different to someone else.

Mecha I too am sorry about the plaque I would be upset too.

xxx

Sorry, had to run mid-post the last time!
Mecha, you poor thing! I think psychologically, we feel that any monument to them is them or part of them and if it's disturbed we feel that someone had harmed them. It's not necessarily logical but I think we are all the same.

Cremation is not really the done thing at all here in Ireland. But I can totally see why some would choose it. I feel forever tied to this village because Sylvie-Rose is buried here and her grave has to be tended. Dh talks about moving occasionally and I now don't like the idea at all. And I used to have a bit of a gypsy mentality!

twinkle I'm glad that your boy is with you too! I thought that it was strange to keep ashes in a bedroom until B came home - right now I couldn't think of any better place for him. I like that your boy was in his own bed too, that's lovely.

tami I know what you mean about fire, I don't like the thought of it either and have often thought that I'd prefer to be buried underneath an apple tree. Cycle of life and all that. Cremation seemed like the right thing for him though, and I'm glad we've done it that way. Most of my relatives have been cremated and my DH feels strongly about cremation so that's what we did. I couldn't bear the thought of him being buried in a hospital plot either.

chip I do like the idea of tending a plot though, it must really feel like you're doing something for Sylvie-Rose. I have absolutely no green fingers but I am trying hard with his rose, it feels like I'm doing it for him too.

I apologise in advance for a totally self centred, self indulgent post.

Cole's birthday is looming. Another day, month, year without him. What would he look like? Would he be fighting and arguing with his little brothers? I should have a nearly six year old standing beside me, but I don't. I still find it hard to comprehend sometimes.

I miss him. Plain and simple.

Thanks for letting me ponder, it helps writing it down.

Love to us all x

ILike - cant believe that Cole is almost 6. The years slip by dont they? Not a self indulgent post at all my friend. xxxx

'I miss him' - three little words that speak mighty volumes xxx

I'm not keeping up here at the moment and for that I'm sorry.

I'm in a funny 'down' sort of place, just feeling a bit 'meh' about almost everything these last few days. I'm not sure its even B related. She's part of it, but I got a whole 'life didn't turn out the way I thought it would' mood going on in every aspect, job, life, house, etc etc. I guess I'm wondering where we went wrong. Why us and not other people? How come so people have everything come to so easily to them and other struggle and have tragedy? I need to snap out of it!

Lots of love to you fioled xxx

fioled, I tend to try to comfort myself with the idea that this isn't the only life that we have and that the next one will be better. Although some concrete proof of that would be nice! And that people who have hard lives here are actually growing spiritually in a way that people with easy lives don't. But God, what I wouldn't give to be a spiritual nobody with a nice life sometimes!

I have made her grave all tidy again. But a fairy figuring which we got in Gran Canaria broke. And the Solar windmill I got keeps coming apart. Still, it means I can buy more stuff for her.

Ds1 had a dream last night that someone scientifically proved that Heaven existed and that we could get to visit Sylvie-Rose but that it cost ?100 each time. And that he would never get any pocket money again because it cost so much to visit her. And I asked would he give up his pocket money if it were true and he said he would!

ILike not at all self-indulgent.
And I think I will always be picturing Sylvie-Rose as she ought to be. A man came in for an eye test today and complained that his 9 month old was keeping him awake all night. I wanted to shout "Well, just be fucking thankful you have a nine-month-old! And that she's alive and that she keeps you awake!" But I didn't. I need my job. But I would stay awake every night if it meant I had her back.

Hi ilike another who will not forget the support you have shown me over the past 2 years. You supported me frrom the start and I will always be gratefull. I cannot believe that so much time has passed. I am here most of the time if I can help you. xxx

Morning ladies.
Thinking of expat and family today as they bury their beautiful girl..

Good morning everyone. Just want to echo Chip's post. Sending peace and support to Expat and her family on this very hard day.

Morning, I am thinking of them too. Worst day to have to get through, can't believe we were doing it 4 months ago feels like yesterday sometimes, but sometimes so long ago xx

Thank you ladies, it's so easy to come here because everyone understands. I know I am feeling like this because his birthday is coming up, and I know it will be like a big pressure valve being opened once the day has been and gone. But still, it's tough.

I have been thinking of Aillidh and the expat family too. A horrible and surreal day.

The funeral for me seems like a dream that happened a long time ago. A very bad dream. A feeling that you MUST wake up from it. But you don't.

Ilike sorry, 6 years is a long time. Sending lots of love to you and Cole at this time.

Thinking of expat and her family today too.

Three months tomorrow for us. That's been on my mind a lot. That and it's the same day of the week. Don't know why that makes such a difference but it does. Thinking what we were doing at this time 3 months ago, the sadness. I'm planning some quiet time, a sit on his bench tomorrow and lots of cuddles with the children. B's funeral was lovely, lots of tears clearly but I felt that we made it the best we could for him. It seems like both years ago and yesterday.

First, has it been three months? I honestly feel as it you've only been posting a couple of weeks. Seems like time has slowed down for me since Sylvie-Rose died.

chip I know, time plays such tricks on us. It's like a time warp in a sci-fi book, there must be a wormhole somewhere!

Morning everyone, we have sunshine here this morning. Hope you're all getting a share of it too.

Just need to have a bit of stream of conciousness moan - sorry. I've hit a bit of a wall I think. We went away for a few days and while it was lovely to get away, it's left me very tired and a bit down.

We had a get-together recently for family and friends and while I had that to plan and organise I felt OK. Now it's past, I just feel a bit flat. I've been quite irritable the last few days and not really wanting to see or talk to people. I suppose feelings are bound to move up and down though. I just don't feel any motivation to do much either.

I'm also fed up because I've been overeating and have put on a stone over the last few months. I was already on the heavy side so I look and feel puffy and meh. My weight's been up and down in the past so I know what I need to do to lose it, just need to work up the motivation. I know it's silly, but I feel that people will think less of me for it. People are expected to lose weight after a bereavement, not pile it on. I sound like a bloody teenager, I know. Hopefully some time in the sunshine will lift my mood.

mrskwazii there seems to be a lot of those walls on this 'crappy path.' Well, I seem to encounter them far too regularly. I run into them headlong, hurt for a while, and then somehow, manage to climb over them - although perhaps I am becoming a little better at anticipating some of them... But not today. Having a cry at the moment, Mia should be 22 months old today, a day we wouldn't even notice if she were here. I hate that I can't help but notice it. It would be just a normal Sunday morning, but still magical because Mia was with us. chip, like you, I'd like to wake up from this awful nightmare, I've really had enough of it. And it feels so impossible that I won't ever, ever see my beautiful little red-head again... so many years of this pain stretching ahead of me. Like you, I have no idea where the past nine months have gone. That terribly day is so present in my mind.

Ok, it's sunny here, so it's off to the garden to tackle the multitude of weeds which are threatening my newly-planted bed. Hope I will hear Mia's blackbird and its song will provide some balm.

MrsK - I put on about 4 stone in 6 months after Matt was killed. I have never fully got rid of all my flab. I am only 4ft 10in tall so I am currently as wide as I am high. I couldn't stop eating after Matt - I ate food I dont even like and am embarresed to say I have even eaten food past its sell by date. I would start at one end of the cupboard and eat everything in it. I know its very unhealthy for me to be this fat but its my way of coping. Dont give a stuff what other people think - its just me

Thank you Mias and Shabs. Yes, the significant dates and days that you wouldn't normally have noticed really do hurt. I was thinking this week about the huge pile of drawings and other scribblings that I recycled just before Christmas. If I knew what was coming I would have cherished each and every single one, but I thought that there would be a limitless supply of them. I hope that your flowerbed looks wonderful once it's weeded Mias and that the blackbird sang for you.

Shabs I suppose that overeating is something that some of us just do. I know I'm doing it, and I don't particularly enjoy it, but I can't seem to help myself. I know that what I'm looking for isn't in the biscuit tin or the cupboard, it's almost like I'm anaesthetising myself. Soon wears off though and I'm back in the biscuit barrel.

I think some people lose weight as they lose their appetite and some people comfort-eat so gain weight.
Sadly I am also in the "gain weight" group. And I am done with diets. I need to find a way to eat healthily without counting points or syns or carbs.

MrsKwazii I am the same as you & chip. Anytime I've been depressed I've comfort eaten (even if it's not much it's still 'comfort' food, such as chocolate/crisps/buttery toast etc. I find losing weight much easier when 'happier'. Please don't worry about what other people 'expect', it depends on you, and how you cope. Food is 'comforting'; babies suck their thumbs - which is soothing, or suck dummies... the mouth is associated with confort, and has been since we were tiny babies, so it's natural to look for solace in food, just like smokers use cigarettes for the same effect xx

I think that's it Chip - eating healthily. I can diet with the best of them and lose weight, but keeping it off is another thing. Yo-yoing is no good either. And Tami, I think you're right too. I'm not happy with my weight but I'm going to try not to beat myself over the head with it. I just need to be a bit more concious of what I'm eating and move towards healthier stuff. Comfort eating isn't the worst emotional crutch in the world after all.

Mrs K I have also put on weight. Lost loads right after it happened but have put it all back on and then some. Was doing so well after having the baby but back to what I was after he was born now. I order loads of crap with my tesco order and just spend evenings eating. Also have real trouble sleeping so sometimes am up at 4am still and eating pizza. My skin is really bad too enormous spots all over my face. I have thought today that I need to eat healthier to clear my skin and loose weight, I feel like I am slowly coming out of a 4 month fog and noticing these things again. But as Tami said, I don't drink or smoke so food it is! xxx