Love, like starlight, never dies - In loving memory of all our darling children gone too soon!

[Bluetinkerbell]

I am the gentle breeze upon your face
The twinkle in the stars
I am the sudden ray of sunshine
That warms your broken heart.

Thank you Whatevertheweather for starting the previous thread! :)

Let this place be a place of support for all of us on this path together, with lots of smiles, lots of tears, lots of hugs and lots of understanding x
A place where 'new' and 'old' bereaved Mums and parents can share their grieve, experiences and memories of their darling children.

Have just been reading Expat's thread and Maryz has posted the loveliest prayer, which I hope she won't mind me repeating here:

^"When we lose someone we love it seems that time stands still.
What moves through us is a silence... a quiet sadness... A longing for one more day... one more word... one more touch...
We may not understand why you left this earth so soon, or why you left before we were ready to say good-bye, but little by little, we begin to remember not just that you died, but that you lived.
And that your life gave us memories too beautiful to forget.
We will see you again some day, in a heavenly place where there is no parting.
A place where there are no words that mean good-bye"^

mrsKwazii that's a lovely poem. Was it you who posted that quote about saying his name for you will not make me cry on Expat's thread. That one brought tears to my eyes. Would you repost here?

First, yes I have posted that quote. I first saw it on this or one of the arlier threads and I love it. It gives me a lot of comfort, and I find that sharing it gives friends and family an opening to talk to me about DD1. That 'permission'

"The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears. If you are really my friend, let me hear the beautiful music of her name. It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul."

Thank you, I might try the same.

Hi ladies, I hope you don't mind me popping my head in. Like many of you i've been following the beautiful Aillidh's threads and am absolutely heartbroken for expat and all her family. Its so hard isn't it, having to think not 'I can't imagine how that feels' but to think 'I completely understand some of what you are feeling right now'.

I think people assume we're all okay now, or will fleetingly remember we're not if I bring up Erin but it struck me today that nearly 11 months on I still spend quite a bit of each day on my own feeling really really abstractedly sad. Not necessarily crying but really heavy and sad. I was rarely sad before, I was always busy, making sure time was always filled doing something or seeing people. I've totally lost my oomph.

I'm sorry I haven't read back, I feel rude posting without catching up but just felt compelled to put that down where there are people who understand.

Everlong Chip Shabs Tami and everyone how are you ladies? I do miss catching up with you all on here. Much love xxx

Hello everyone...........I dont pop in here very often these days, its just tonight I feel so lost and sad. My beautiful Matthew would have been 33 today, he was 14 when he died:( This time last week I was stood by a hospital bed with my three brothers watching my lovely Mum die, she fell asleep at 12.40am:( Cant believe she is gone, my Mum........xx

Hey triplets! So very sorry to hear about your Mum. You must miss her dreadfully.

Hiya Trips - have raised my glass to your Matthew and hope he is with my Gareth and Matt. Can you imagine them having the same friendship that we have shared for all these years? Wish that we lived closer to I could hold you close and help you. Distance is so frustrating sometimes. Take care my lovely xxxxx

It amazes me how we don't break into pieces with each new burden of grief. So sorry, triplets. Yet the capacity of love seems to be infinite - perhaps it somehow gives us strength.

First you are a wonderful mother and so brave to make that choice for your little one.

And I am so sad to think about all the mother's with other children feeling low. I can't imagine how hard it must be to have so much to cope with. At least I have the luxuary of being a bit selfish at the moment. I am in awe of you all.

I feel like I did a bad thing. I ran into a woman I don't like, who I used to work with years ago. I don't think I have seen her for five or six years. We were doing the "polite British people in a queue" thing and she asked if I had any children. I said not yet. I know why I did it, and it just slipped out. I did not want to have that whole conversation with someone who I don't get on with or have to see often. But I felt awful as soon as I did it. So, Dexter, I am sorry. You are my son and I love you. I miss you so much, teeny beany.

Triplets I am so sorry to hear about your mum. xx

Mech, what you were doing there is protecting Dexter from the nosy, prying woman. I'm sure you wouldn't let her have too much to do with him had he lived. I find very little comes of discussing our precious children with people like that. One woman made me so upset as she pretty much dismissed Sylvie-Rose as a miscarriage. And even when I got my phone out and showed her a picture, she said "Oh, she doesn't look like there's was anything wrong with her"
And I felt she had criticised my girl and tried to find fault with her and Sylvie-Rose didn't deserve that.

thank you chip. I have felt so sad since then, like I have betrayed him, but that is a better way of looking at things. It has been 2 months on Thursday since we said goodbye and I am not coping so well. I had been doing okay I thought, but I have just been crying and crying since Saturday. There will be peaks and troughs I know but I miss him and I just feel lost.

I am sorry that awful woman dismissed Sylvie-Rose. All our children are loved and perfect, and deserve to be treated as nothing less. I guess maybe some people have never had to deal with tragedy and don't know how to? I know I have become much kinder since we have had to go through this. Still angry on your behalf though :(

mecha my immediate reaction was exactly like chip. You were being a mummy, protecting your boy from unpleasantness, just as you would if he were being bullied.
I find month anniversaries hard too, and the days in between the 15th, Mia's birthday date, and the 23rd, the date she died, are a dark time. Fully expecting the 5-week period between Sept 15th and Oct 23rd to be a nightmare, especially as her inquest will finally occur in early October. I see it as a huge black hole in my calendar...

Afternoon everyone. This thread feels a bit odd at the moment. Very stop-starty rather than chatty as it's been before. Hope you're all ok.

Have just seen the blanket thread for Expat, so lovely that one is also being made for Giraffe's - I didn't know that she had also lost a daughter. Too many of us . Pistey and Knotty are also amazing for coordinating the blankets, it's heartbreaking that so many are being made.

Oh, I must sign up for those blankets although I have to say I have been dreadful at keeping up with the crafts I am supposed to be doing. MrsK, have you received your blanket yet? I have seen sneak previews of the squares, they look beautiful xx

Hi Chip I don't have my blanket yet. I think Pistey and Knotty are still working on it. I've seen that there are some mini hugs that will be sent ahead. So very thoughtful, makes me really smile

Afternoon ladies. Hope everyone is ok. Just got back from my follow-up consultant appointment at the hospital. I knew that I would feel a crashing sense of anti-climax after it and I do. How could it be otherwise? It turns out it was probably a placenta problem rather than a cord problem - very difficult to detect, very rare, very unlucky, better luck next time. Whatever caused it, the outcome is still the same and sadly I don't think there will be a "next time" for us, which I am also struggling to get my head around.

Miasmummy I am so sorry you have the inquest looming over you and at such a dreadful time of year for you. I know you will find the strength from somewhere to get through it for your darling girl but I so wish you didn't have to.

Mecha I have done exactly the same as you so please don't be hard on yourself. You were just protecting yourself and why not? We've all had to steel ourselves to have conversations and face situations we never dreamed of in our worst nightmare, so if from time to time we choose to spare ourselves, especially with people who don't matter (the dentist and the plumber in my case!!) it's more than understandable.

chip and mrskwazi I want to learn to knit so that I can contribute to one of these blankets...I'm the least 'crafty' person in the world so it will be a challenge but it's such a lovely idea, I'd really like to do it.

Mrs Kwazi/First - I hope I have been of some help to people, it was really fulfilling when I was doing it, didn't imagine in my worst nightmare that this would happen to me.

What bereavement charities have you contacted Mrs K? I use the compassionate friends forum and find that useful, and also read a lot of blogs. I have looked at the child bereavement charity but it didn't seem to do much in my area.

First I have friends who are like that too, I think it may have been Miasmummy who said that sometimes its up to the bereaved parent to keep in contact even when you don't want to - and I think that is true, there are some friends who I would class as really close, but I know that I am the organiser of the relationship and if I didn't keep in touch regardless of this happening, then I wouldn't see them, and I have found it the same now, which is really upsetting.

One of the things I find really hard about my situation now is that I grieve for my lifestyle, the days of going out with my friends and their children who were the same age as my little man, they all still get together and I feel so left out and lonely because I don't have my little friend to take now.It sounds such a small thing in the grand scheme of things but it makes me really sad.

Mrs Kwazi I hope you don't mind me asking, but how do you cope on a day to day basis? I don't think I am that far behind you time wise, I am just hitting the 4 month mark. I find that I just don't have any interest in anything and seem to have lost my hope. I can feel myself withdrawing from everything and over the weekend I stayed in bed most of the day which is something I haven't done since the beginning. I am wondering if I am just hitting a blip that I can work through or maybe its something else. I just panic and get hysterical when I think that I am never going to see him again, I can't believe that this is my life and I could have another 60 odd years without him, I am struggling to see the point when I feel so sad all the time. Ugh.

Sounds lovely about the blanket for Expat, how does that work then have some of you also received one?

xxxxx

Matilda, sorry you have had such a hard day. xxx

Hello everyone. I'm sorry for not being on much, I just needed a break. I apologise in advance for not addressing everyone's posts, it's so hard hearing of all the heartbreak :(

Whatever Thank you for thinking of us all, have missed you :) xx

I'm trying to cope, but have been blocking out a lot, I'm guessing that's a quite abnormal reaction.

We had the Olympic torch come through our town yesterday.

I put a video of me holding Tamsin for the last time on Facebook, and carefully chose those who can see it, as I don't want casual acquaintances, or those who would just have a 'morbid' curiousity viewing it. I wish I was as brave as fioled and could put in on Youtube.

Sorry to hear about the appointment Matilda (((hugs))) The blankets are amazing, there's a website www.woollyhugs.com that gives you all the gen on them. I cannot knit or crochet so I've donated wool for the last few, which some crafting genius then turns into squares. MN at it's best

Twinkle I'm so sorry that you're in a bad patch. I've read helpful bits on the Cruse, Child Bereavement Charity and Compassionate Friends website. I've not contacted them directly myself, but have given their helpline numbers to some members of the family. Will PM you about day to day - was turning into a bit of an epic post!

Tami - 'blocking out a lot' is, in my opinion, something that everybody does. My friend asked me about Gareth the other day. I was trying my best to remember what happened the day he died and I had to struggle very hard to remember. I know that it is 30 years ago but I had most definitely 'blocked it out'. I think we all have to cope with what we can, with what we have at the time.

Have just watched your video and it is very moving, but, I think you have done right selecting who can see it. Not that you shouldn't put it on, not at all, just that FB is not a safe place unless you are careful. Its a very poignant, moving video xxxx I have an 11 minute video compilation some very kind neighbours made me of all different bits of footage of Matty. I like to play it to hear his voice and laughter. I think I am going to have it put onto a disc to preserve it.

Shabba and Tamisara One of my regrets is that I have no photos or video footage of me with my darling boy. It just didn't even occur to us, I think we were so in shock and it had all happened so quickly. By the time I thought of it I knew he wouldnt look how I remembered him - so beautiful - and I didnt want anything to interfere with that memory. I just really really wish someone had had the presence of mind to think of it.

Twinkle I know exactly how you feel about grieving for your old life and feeling left out. My "mum friends" and I were all pregnant at roughly the same time with our second children and now I feel like I'm not "one of them" any more. It's not their fault I feel like this. They have been lovely and very inclusive. But I'm NOT one of them. I live in this crappy parallel universe and I can never go back to the carefree life I used to have. I drove past a couple of them the other day as they were walking along with their babies and they looked so happy and I just wanted to burst into tears. Sorry, enough self-pity for one evening. I shall snap out of it now xx

Ah feck it. Wobble wobble, that kind of day.

tami I haven't watched your video yet but I will later on.

Lots of blocking it out has gone on here too. I can't remember any specific details in clarity from the day after Belle's funeral until the late September. I know the stuff that happened, people got engaged, people got married, people had babies. But I can't remember it happening. Does that makes sense? Its like I've completely lost 3 months of my life.

Mia's sorry that you're having to wait so long for the inquest. We were very lucky in that DD1's was fast-tracked and the Coroner's office were incredibly efficient and supportive. I know that it isn't always the case though.

I haven't blocked anything out as such, it's all still very recent and many of the memories are very vivid. It does feel like I'm watching a film though, of someone else's life. It's very strange.

Tami it's lovely that you have video of Tamsin and feel up to sharing it with people. I agree with Shabs about FB, it can be a very cruel place. I don't post much at the moment on it I have to admit.

Hope going back to work is going OK Fioled