Love, like starlight, never dies - In loving memory of all our darling children gone too soon!

[Bluetinkerbell]

I am the gentle breeze upon your face
The twinkle in the stars
I am the sudden ray of sunshine
That warms your broken heart.

Thank you Whatevertheweather for starting the previous thread! :)

Let this place be a place of support for all of us on this path together, with lots of smiles, lots of tears, lots of hugs and lots of understanding x
A place where 'new' and 'old' bereaved Mums and parents can share their grieve, experiences and memories of their darling children.

I am just so sad at the thought of yet another family dealing with the loss of their beautiful child. There are just too many of us...

I'm rubbish at keeping in touch on this haven of a thread, but the sad news about Aillidh has brought me here.

I can't seem to find the words for Expat. I think because I know what lies ahead. There's no good spin is there?

Good to see you Ilike. No there are no 'right words' for that very reason. Dont know if you have ever seen Estar on MN? She was always on the 'D'ya ever....' multiple births thread. I have met her in real life and she is lovely. One of her 6 year old twin boys died a few weeks ago. One of his younger brothers donated bone marrow to him but sadly it didn't work. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO SAY TO HER. I flounder around just thinking 'OMG she is going to be living in a parallel universe for so long.....this is so hard.....she has other children that need her....she has a massive faith in God (where I have none)....and on and on go these thoughts.

I am so sorry to hear about Ailidh...heaven got another angel.
I have no words that could really help to ease the pain for Expat. But I know that we are all here in MN to support her and walk with her through all this.

I agree with you Mia there's just too many of us here. Membership should have closed a long time ago :(

shabs so sorry to hear about the son of Estar. I'll try to find her here and send her my love and light.

I've lighted a candle for Ailidh so she can find her way towards our Angels in heaven. I'm pretty sure Isabel, Mia, Sylvie Rose, Benedict, and all our angels will welcome her warmly at the gates of heaven.

Sending Love to all of you.

Estars son was very, very ill for a couple of years. I haven't seen her post on MN for at least a year. Maybe a MN private message would be something that she would see because it goes to her emails. She is a wonderful person xxx

Thanks shabs I'll do that. XX

I have been thinking of Aillidh as well, I remember those first few weeks after it happened to me and I could barely even get out of bed, most of the time I didn't, Expat will be in my thoughts for a long time.

I am reaching the 4 month mark and I am really struggling at the moment. I know what the problem is, I just cannot accept that this is what I have been left with, and it is holding me back. I don't like to leave the house because I feel almost embarrassed (not quite the right word) that I only have 2 children when I am meant to have 3, I don't want everyone to think that I only have 2 children, but the reality is that I do now and its awful.

I just miss him so much, he is all I think about. My husband says that I have forgotten who I have got left and only think about what I have lost, and that is true, but I just struggle to see how I can go on without him. My health visitor says its not that I can't go on, its that I wont. Which I can understand. Doesn't make it any easier though does it.

Shabbs if you think that Estar would appreciate a little message I am happy to send one too, I know that as soon as it happened to me I was searching for anyone that had been in the same situation to talk to.

xxxxx

I'm so very sorry for Aillidh, Expat and their family. They seem so strong. I prayed for a miracle.

twinkle you do still have 3 children only sadly only 2 here with you.

Im sure that Estar would appreciate any messages. Her husband is a minister and they are very religious - but not 'ram it down your throat' kind of religious IYKWIM. She has very, very strong faith. She may not reply because often she doesn't reply at all to my messages. Sadly, even with the help of her God, she describes the feelings and emotions she has in exactly the way we all do on here. Her little lad was so very poorly xxx

Hi, I am around. Just back in work and even less time to keep up.

Thinking of everyone, especially Expat and Aillidh. xx

Am so sad for Expat and her family. I hope that she can find comfort and a sense of peace in her family, friends and faith in the coming days, weeks and throughout the rest of her life.

Twinkle, so sorry that you are having such a tough time. You are still a mum of three and always will be. I have found it very hard to find the balance of mourning my eldest daughter while still loving, enjoying and caring for my youngest. Some days are easier than others. I'm hoping to start counselling soon to have a private space to work through these feelings, is it something that you might consider?

Thanks MrsKwazi - I am not managing to enjoy my other 2 at all at the moment, its so hard isn't it. I wish I could find some enjoyment in them, but am hoping it will come back in time, I am doing better with them than I was a month ago.

Glad that you are hoping to start counselling soon. I am in a difficult situation in that quite ironically I am a bereavement volunteer and work for the well known charity that most people get referred to! I can't use them as I know them all in my area, so am thinking of the possibility of going privately - anything that I can think of to help really. If I give myself a good talking to I can tell myself all the things that I say to people when I counsel them, but its so hard when its me having to do it! I started doing it after my mum died and have been doing it about 5 years, I wanted to help other people and was feeling stronger, now I am back to square one in a situation that is a thousand times worse! Ugh.

All my days seem to be beyond difficult at the moment, but as someone said to me, the journey of a 1000 miles starts with a single step!

xxxxx

twinkle, I think we all struggle to a certain extent with our other children. But after a while, I have found it a lot easier. But I do have the need to tell complete strangers about Sylvie-Rose and that I am in fact a Mum of five.

Sending lots of love to family ofAilldh I am so very sorry for your loss. This sounds so lame but I know there are no words to make it better, you are in my thoughts xxx

Twinkle, every day definitely is just a case of one foot in front of the other for me too.

Sorry about your Mum, you are amazing for volunteering, I bet you have been a vital source of support and comfort for people. Very hard to do it internally though I imagine. The death of a child is such a heartbreaking situation though. It is different to other losses, much harder to bear.

Have you contacted any of the more specific child bereavement charities? I've considered calling their helplines and have given their number out to relatives as well.

Wow twinkle what comfort you must have brought to bereaved people. It's lovely to be able to give something back when you've received help yourself. I would imagine that it might have helped you after your mum's death? I'm sorry that it must be so difficult to find help now in your area, perhaps a national charity would provide you with more anonymity.

chip how do others react when you tell them that? I've started to tell people that I've got three children not just two then explain merely that one died. I've found that most people react by saying sorry then ignoring it. I suppose that they just don't know what to say and are almost embarrassed. I'd be grateful for some hints and tips if anyone's found a better way!

I've also found that I'm hiding from everyone but the closest people what actually happened and sanitising the truth to some extent. I tell people that B was born too early and died after just a couple of hours - all true- but withhold that he had congential abnormalities and the termination. I feel that if people really knew then they would think that I didn't deserve to be his mother or to grieve for him. We did what we thought would be the best thing for him and I know that these feelings aren't uncommon in ladies in my position but they won't go away yet.

first I think you do what feels most natural for the moment. That doesn't mean you can't change your mind later on. You made a choice, a mother's choice, a choice of love. Of course you deserve to be his mother. What anybody else thinks doesn't matter. I find that if I start to talk about Mia first, it somehow gives them permission to talk about her as well.

twinkle you are not leaving him behind. That can never happen. You are carrying him in your heart, safe and sound.

I think you're right mias about permission to talk. I have a friend who has a new baby boy and it's been difficult seeing them both. We haven't spoken much about B but she knows. The last time I saw her I started to speak about him and we had a lovely talk about what happened and my feelings towards her and her baby boy. It must have been hard for her with her gorgeous little one to bring up my loss.

In a similar vein, I've also not heard from some friends for some weeks following B. The selfish part of me wants to think that they think I'm ok now so aren't bothering but I suspect that they again just don't want to bother me and think that I might need some quiet time. I'm going to make the first move. I read somewhere, not sure if it was here or not, that it's not fair that bereaved mums have to initiate it but friendships left neglected at this time so often fall by the wayside. I don't want that to happen to mine.

First I'm not sure I have perfected the art! A Dad at ds4's party just went "My God, four boys!" and completely ignored the fact that I had mentioned Sylvie-Rose. Dh said afterwards that he didn't know what to say. Most people are actually lovely and ask about her and if she was ill, etc.
But of course you deserved to be his Mum! you made the hardest but the best decision for him xx

Ladies - just want to say the way you've gathered round Expat is amazing. The courage and compassion you've shown is awe inspiring. Aillidh's last few days have just felt like a nightmare to me. I can't begin to think what it's like for Expat. But you all know - and you've 'gone back' to that time to help her. I'm blown away by that selflessness.

I just want to second what northernlurker says...I was actually going to send a message to chipmonkey along those lines. I know how big a help it will be to expat to have people who really do understand her and her family over the months and years ahead. Look after yourselves, some journeys are tougher than others.x

Northern, thanks xx
But in my darkest hours, these ladies all came back for me. There is not one of us wouldn't do it for someone else xx

Aw, thanks, Stleger!

and I do love him so much!

This completely unexpected life event has made me i hope more considerate to people's back story. I met a mum at a toddler group who told me that she had split up with her husband. At work I have to be nosy and tbh really enjoy the insight into people's lives but, maybe as I'm aware of that, at home I try to respect their privacy. I wondered if she got a similar response to me when sharing her story so talked about it. Blathering now... sleep needed xx

First, just wanted to echo what Mia said. What a heartbreaking choice you had to make, sometimes we have to make hard decisions simply because we do love our children so much.

And Northern and StLeger are right - so much support and love on this thread. I count myself so lucky to have a place to talk where people understand what I'm going through. Thank you very much to all of you, I can't tell you how much this thread and your patience and understanding are helping me

I am also overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support for Expat across so many threads. I hope that she and her family are being treated with love and kindness in RL - these early days are so very hard.