Love, like starlight, never dies - In loving memory of all our darling children gone too soon!

[Bluetinkerbell]

I am the gentle breeze upon your face
The twinkle in the stars
I am the sudden ray of sunshine
That warms your broken heart.

Thank you Whatevertheweather for starting the previous thread! :)

Let this place be a place of support for all of us on this path together, with lots of smiles, lots of tears, lots of hugs and lots of understanding x
A place where 'new' and 'old' bereaved Mums and parents can share their grieve, experiences and memories of their darling children.

Morning everyone.

some wise person said, possibly on one of these threads actually, that grief lasts far longer than sympathy. I think this seems to be true. There seems to be a lot of, well, you have had your cry, are you feeling better yet? Or you have seemed fine for a week now, are you over it? To be fair, I kind of thought that is how it would work. That I would slowly feel better over a long period of time until it was bareable. Like a hard walk up a long hill, where I knew there would be a beautiful view at the top. But it isn't. It's like making that walk, but every now and then someone jumps out from behind the bushes, punches you in the face, and knocks you right back down again.

Been thinking about other people too. It started with my SIL, who came to visit us and was lovely once, then reverted to form. But what has happened to us won't change other people. I thought she had become a nice person in the face of our horrible tragedy, but she hasn't at all. But all the wonderful people we know have become more lovely. It has just made people MORE like what they were before.

Been lurking and hiding a bit. Met my surgeon this week and it will be at least a month til I can have my gallbladder out. I have a family history of allergy to anesthetic which is throwing a spanner in the works. I have gotten so hung up on this, I feel like I can't start to move on and heal until after this. I can't sleep very well because I am in mild pain all the time, and horredous pain two or three nights a week. I can't go back to work, we can't go away anywhere. There is very little I can eat without triggering another attack. It just feels like everything is on hold. I know the surgery won't be a magic cure for my grief, but it is stopping me even thinking about a normal life.

Wishing us all a kind and gentle Friday xx

hi Mecha - you put that very well, about climbing up the hill. After an ok week last week I seem to have rolled back down to the bottom again. I also know what you mean about people expecting you to be ok now. One friend happened to ring when I was in a brighter mood a couple of weeks ago (mainly because I had DD with me and don't like to cry in front of her) and I've not heard from her since! It's like she thinks I'm all sorted now and her job's done - or maybe she's just busy (must try not to get bitter!!)

It seems very unfair that on top of this emotional pain you have to deal with physical pain as well. I hope you get it sorted soon. We have just been given a date for our follow up appointment with the consultant next week. We didn't have a post mortem so I'm not expecting any new info but even so, I feel like I've been in limbo until now. I guess it's the last "official" thing we have to do. I am dreading going back to the hospital. Take care of yourself xxx

Can I just ask those of you with younger DCs what words you use when you explain to them what happened to their sibling? Occasionally my DD (aged 3) asks "where's my baby?". We're not religious so I don't know if I feel comfortable talking about heaven but just saying "he died" (especially when she has no concept of what this means) seems so stark. He wasn't ill so I can't even say he was too poorly (it was a cord accident)....and it wasn't as if she got to meet him so it must be so confusing to her that he just disappeared. She is very unsettled at the moment, waking up lots at night and behaving in quite a challenging way sometimes so I know it has affected her even though she doesn't talk about it much.

matilda there are a few good books around to explain things, which I used for DD1 who was 2,5 last year.
Going to have baby, angel instead

Waterbugs & Dragonflies

No Matter what This last one doesn't explain about death, but does explain that no matter what, Love, like starlight, never dies!

Thanks Blue, will check those out now.

Where is everybody?

I'm here....I'm new to this thread& to mumsnet.
It's a relief to know I'm not alone,but so sad to read everyone's stories.

Hello crumbing and a sad but warm welcome. I am sorry you have found yourself here, but it is a very kind space. Lurk and read all you need to but you are very welcome to share your story if you want to.

My little boy Dexter was born prematurely in April this year, and was only able to stay with us for 12 days before he caught pneumonia and couldn't fight it off.

Heard today that the little boy from the incubator next to Dex in the unit may be well enough to come home soon! I am both excited and pleased for them, and a little sad it is not us :( Have been having such lovely dreams about him lately and it is heartbreaking all over again when I wake up and have to remember.

Sorry you have been having a tough time matilda, I can't imagine how hard it must be explaining to your DD what has happened. You are doing so well.

Night all xx

I'm here "chip. Hello Crumbling*. You are not alone. You will find lots of support here if you need it. My darling and much-wanted boy was stillborn at 38 weeks in May. Can't believe it's been two months already.

DD has just woken screaming and crying and when I went to comfort her she tried to hit me. She's been waking up to four or five times a night and I've now started letting her sleep with me, partly because it's the only way we get any sleep but also because I feel she needs it (perhaps I do too.) DP has been having anxiety attacks and waking up soaked in sweat. My poor little family feels so broken and I feel like it's all my fault. I feel like we're in a little boat being tossed about on a stormy sea and I am clinging onto the tiller for dear life trying to keep us on course. But we will get to calmer waters. Don't quite know how but somehow we've got through this first two months of hell and we'll just keep on keeping on, a day at a time. Love to all xx

Hello everyone and especially crumbling I'm sad that you've found yourself here but welcome. I lost my little boy in April during pregnancy, sadly we terminated due to severe abnormalities. Please share your story if you feel able to. Hello to the other newer mums here too.

matilda I found "We should have had a baby but we had an angel instead" that blue has linked to useful to explain to my 4 year old. He seemed to identify with the child in the book and often comes out with some of the lines. I don't know of any other books but our undertaker had a good booklet about explaining death to a child - but clearly not focused on the death of another child or baby. May be worth asking yours or your bereavement office at the hospital?

mech I'm sorry that your gallbladder is causing you so much trouble. It doesn't seem fair that you have this on top of everything else.

Hugs to everyone who has had special days over the last few weeks and most recently tami for tomorrow and shabs.

I've not been here for a while as there's been a bit of a rough patch but happily surfacing... Such a lot to catch up on.

Sorry Mecha forgot to say, so lovely that you dream of Dexter, I envy you a bit as I haven't had any dreams of my boy, but I can only imagine how hard it is to wake up.

Thank you Mecha,
it has been many years for me & I have "got on" with my life but the sadness remains.It is a help to know there are others out there who truly understand.

It is such early days for you & your precious baby Dex....he will always be your lovely boy & you will always be his Mum.

I think most people have gone to bed now so I will be brief! (I should head upstairs soon too but will log in tomorrow).

I had twins & my daughter lived for one day.
We knew this would happen as she was diagnosed with a fatal problem at the 20 week scan.I had to go to term knowing she wouldn't make it....also we weren't sure about our son ....but he was fine in the end.
I have to say it was the pregnancy from hell ( I also had that hyperemysis gravida condition,couldn't even speak without vomiting at one stage).
BUT.....several years down the road ...here we are,life has become easier to cope with the grief but I still find myself wanting to talk to other people who truly understand...sady not found in RL.
Most people think that you must have "got over it" by now or even "forgotten"!!
Anyway,goodnight & thanks for you r supportive words at a time when your grief is so raw.
I hope we speak again soon x

Welcome, Crumbling but I so wish you didn't have to be here.

First, I'm so very sorry you have been going through a rough patch. Do you need to talk about it?

I am so upset tonight for little Aillidh, I just remember that bad, bad feeling when the doctor talked about "withdrawing care" for Sylvie-Rose. And I knew there was no hope for her but still I wanted a miracle. And I want that tiny shred of hope to come good for expat, I so do. I have always admired expat so much for her humour and quick wit and I have to wonder why bad things happen to good people. And I want a miracle for Aillidh and right now I have alll the candles I was saving for Sylvie-Rose's display dresser burning on my dining-room table.
And I have asked God and asked Sylvie-Rose to turn Aillidh around and march her back earthwards. And I want to have faith that they will. But maybe that isn't the plan. But I want it to be the plan.

Thank you Mathilda too.
I remember those awful early days.They do pass eventually & you will have joy in your life again.The sadness creeps back from time to time & you always think of them every day but I promise it gets easier to bear.
Just hang in there.
X

Chip I also have a candle burning - this is like my MN friend Estars little boy a couple of months ago. Just sat here feeling helpless and useless - no idea what to do. This is a cruel world - I have no explanation or reason why our precious children cannot be here with us. xxxx

crumbling I hope you find some solace here. I am so sorry about your daughter.

chip I am also devastated by the latest news about Aillidh. I can't believe I am hurting so much for a little girl I have never met. You are wonderfully generous to
share Sylvie-Rose's candles like that.

shabs, like you, will never understand why life can be so hard for so many of us.

still here too!

I've been following Aillidh's threads and FB updates closely as well the last few days and praying...

If God does need another angel to keep ours company, please give her family some time to say goodbye and let them know for sure! :(

Crumbling I'm so sorry about your daughter. And thank you for your words. It means so much to hear from people further along the road that it gets easier to bear. Knowing this is what keeps me going because right now it does feel unbearable a lot of the time.

I'm so sorry to hear about Aillidh. If love alone could keep our little ones here with us, we'd never have to be parted xx

Thank you Chip too.I am so new to all this & will be visiting again to talk with my new friends.
It has been several years for me but there was virtually no support at all at the time when I went throught it & have sort of bottled it up ever since.
I feel a bit of a fraud because I have moved through the dreadful raw grief that all of you are experiencing but still have that heavy sadness as I miss my daughter every day.
My surviving twin boy is now a teenager so it has been a while.
I hope I can offer support & hope to all of you that feel as if you can't see your way thru yet.
My relationship with my DS is great & he is all the more precious to me because of what we went through to have him.I don't know of many teenage knuckle dragging boys who grunt "love you Mum" every day!
OTH I have to look the other way when i am in clothes shops when I see mums with their teenage daughters trying on clothes & laughing together.
I hope we all speak again soon...thank you for listening xxx to you all.

matilda cross post. We too had our children in with us (although it was more long term and thankfully they're out now!) but I felt that it was me that needed them at the time. I needed to know that they were safe with me, that I could hold on to some of my children.

I think that it's so common to blame ourselves for what's happened, if only my body hadn't... in my case made such a mess up with his anatomy. In my heart I know that there was nothing that I could have done to either prevent it or put it right. Oh my dear, please don't blame yourself, you're all grieving in your own ways. Hold safe to your DD and your DP.

crumbling I'm sorry to hear your story. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for you to continue with your pregnancy knowing the outcome for your DD and having worries over your DS. Here we are all at different stages but it is becoming apparent to me already that people assume that time is a healer and an amnesic. And that's before 3 months let alone years like yourself.

I have everything crossed for little Aillidh. chip how lovely about your candles, I'm sure that Sylvie-Rose would be proud.

And chip thank you, but I'm not finding it easy to express myself well now. It will come...

Crumbling, I am dreading all these years of looking away from little girls' clothes and not having her there to shop with me. I have four boys. On the plus side, ds4 was watching me dress the other day and he told me that I needed my "heart with the beads" to go with a particular top. It's a necklace I actually do always wear with that top. So maybe I actually have a mini-Gok on my hands!

Little Aillidh has joined our angels. So desperately sad for expat and family.

there are no words to help are there Chips? xxx

Oh so sorry to hear about Aillidh. I had been desperately hoping things would be different for expat and her family. Sending them all the strength I can xx

No words indeed shabbs so sad for them, she put up such a fight! :(