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Bereavement

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A love story : Living without my beautiful red-headed Mia

995 replies

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 16/05/2012 21:47

This love story began before Mia was born, intensified when she entered our lives, and it will continue to burn strongly forever. Mia is my red-headed flame, my sweet pea, my noisy sprite. Mia is joy, she is love, she is every good thing you can imagine. And I am so incredibly proud to be her mummy.

Yet she is gone. Mia died totally unexpectedly last October at the age of 13 months. Impossible, but true.

We miss Mia?s cuddles, her weight and her little legs curled around us, her face against our cheeks and her warm arms around our necks, the soothing pats on the back that she would give us as we in turn patted her. She was intimate, coming to us, arms raised, for a reassuring cuddle, but then with a smile, content she would wiggle free, independent and inquisitive about everything around her, exploring her world, looking in cupboards, peeking between the banisters as she climbed the stairs and just revelling in her existence.

I have tried to estimate how many times a day we kissed Mia. Picking her up, putting her down, dressing her, feeding her, washing her hands, just because? it must have been hundreds. Equally, we always made a point to tell Mia every day just how much we loved her. We know she listened.

I cannot begin to adequately describe the love that we have for our little girl. I can only ask you to imagine the most perfect feeling of love and warmth that you can, to double its intensity, and extend it to infinity and you are still not even close to the amount of love that we shared with Mia every second of the her 13 months.

This is her story, and mine, and my reality.

OP posts:
Welovecouscous · 13/01/2013 17:06

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pookiecat · 15/01/2013 20:01

Hope you are all okay.... Echoing others on here you are in our thoughts.

dubaipieeye · 16/01/2013 17:28

I'm thinking of you all. XX

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 16/01/2013 19:19

Hello everyone. I am still here, and very, very grateful that you are too.

Just haven't had too much to say, really. I have spent the last few weeks surrounded by family and all their love. Living in the moment, really. But they have all left now, and MrMia is back at work too, so it is just Finn and I at home, along with my thoughts of my beautiful Mia.

It's a new reality, one without a single plan in it, which feels very weird. I have not been able to see beyond Finn's birth and the family Christmas - the ability to feel any certainty about anything is gone. I used to love making holiday plans.

Today I did my first trip out alone in the car, and took Finn with me. Taking a baby shopping felt very normal, very natural, and it didn't hurt as much as I thought it might.

But Mia wasn't a trial run for her little brother. She was, and is, a person in her own right, her own wonderful way. I still find the randomness of her death so completely bizarre and horrible. Her life means so much more than her death.

Not seeing her again seems impossible.

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eightytwenty · 16/01/2013 20:50

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jmf294 · 17/01/2013 06:48

I often think and pray for you even when I haven't posted.
I truely believe you will see Mia again and be together forever - although we can't know for sure there must be more than this life.

I will keep praying and thinking of you all.

monstertufts · 20/01/2013 19:15

Just popping in to let you know that I still think of you, your husband, and your darling little girl. What wonderful news to see that you now have little Finn. I am so sorry that his arrival has brought pain as well as happiness. It is not fair that Mia is not with you all, and there is nothing that can be said to make this seem better - I hope that together you can heal and that the day when you can remember Mia more joy than sadness comes sooner rather than later. Lots of love xxxx

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 21/01/2013 00:19

There is joy when I think of Mia, when I see the love and playfulness in her eyes when I watch her in videos. But pain too. I don't want to merely remember her.

I want Mia with us, growing up, being our first-born child, being a sister, grand-daughter, niece and cousin.

I mourn what should be, what cannot be, and what she will never have.

I treasure every moment of her four hundred days.

I want to hold her, kiss her soft skin, and touch those beautiful red curls. All gone.

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QuickLookBusy · 21/01/2013 14:07

Of course you want her Mia's, you love her so much, life is so very, very unfair.

I don't post much but have followed your writing from the start.
I think of you and your little girl often.xx

everlong · 21/01/2013 17:02

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girliefriend · 21/01/2013 21:38

Hello Miasmummy, congratulations! Often read your posts and can feel the love and pain in them.

I cannot imagine how it feels to lose a child and my heart breaks for you. Mia looks like such a sweetheart, life is so unfair and makes no sense.

Whereabouts will Mias wood be? I would love to go there one day Smile

pookiecat · 22/01/2013 19:17

Thinking of you all, we love hearing your beautiful words and thoughts of lovely Mia xxx

fluffypillow · 22/01/2013 19:46

I often think of you and your family, just wanted you to know xxx

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 23/01/2013 08:42

I love everything about bring a mother. Having Finn in my life, a little person to care for, who depends on me, to love and to hold, is wonderful. And how I loved every second of the amazing time I had with Mia! It may have only been four hundred days, but they were the most beautiful moments.

In almost every video we have of Mia, she is smiling and the sun is shining. Appropriate. One of my favourites is when she is her highchair, and I am chatting to her, and the love just glows out of her eyes. Mia is one big smile, and her simple joy of life is expressed with a bounce and a huge stretch, her happiness shining throughout her whole person.

So the contrast of not having Mia here is so very wrong. A wrong which can never be healed. So much love, vitality, excitement and joy lost.

Last night I found MrMia in the bedroom, holding Finn so tenderly, but staring at a photo of Mia with such sadness on his face. He misses his little girl so much, even while he cherishes Finn. She was everything he ever wanted, and exceeded his expectations in every way.

The randomness of her death becomes ever more incomprehensible for us both.

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RatherBeOnThePiste · 23/01/2013 08:51

Morning lovely

Thinking of the beautiful Mia, the beautiful Finn and their beautiful parents. Big hugs to you Xx

mumof2teenboys · 23/01/2013 13:09

Nothing to say but love and thoughts with you as always xxx

pookiecat · 26/01/2013 20:33

Thinking of you all xxxx

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 28/01/2013 14:07

"Soon she will be all grown up and going to university." a phrase that my family often used jokingly when I was proudly telling then of some new accomplishment by Mia.

It's not a phrase which I have heard with Finn. It hangs in the air, though.

We all are so aware how precious every second is. How we must make the most of them. Just in case.

MrMia is making more of an effort to spend time with Finn, to the point that he is thinking about compressing his work into a 9-day fortnight so that he can also join in Finn's everyday activities when he is older. He was quietly envious of my busy schedule with Mia, but felt trapped by work. Not anymore.

I am comfortable in the knowledge that I did appreciate, love and relish every moment with Mia. I didn't want her to be asleep, or that I should be doing something else, when she was with me. I am so glad about that.

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pookiecat · 29/01/2013 13:54

May you both enjoy baby Finn, your love for Mia always flowing through your eloquent words. May you find some peace brave lady xxxxxxxx

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 01/02/2013 08:35

I haven't dreamt about Mia in ages, but after a restless few hours after I fed Finn at 4am, I have realised why. I did dream about her, and it was very upsetting. Mia and I were playing in a hilly, grassy area, and I lost her. Despite looking and looking, I couldn't find my little girl. Even now, my stomach turns over. How could I have been so careless?

I know I wasn't careless, far from it, but I did lose her, nonetheless.

How I would love a happy dream of Mia. Holding her, loving her.

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MiaAlexandrasmummy · 01/02/2013 22:59

I miss you, my big sister girl. I am suddenly hurting all over again that there are not ever going to be any more photos of you to share, no new achievements to share, nothing to giggle about. Tears.

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pookiecat · 02/02/2013 15:57

So sorry the hurt is so overwhelming, may you find some peace xxxxxx

trulymadlydeeply · 02/02/2013 17:12

Nothing of any comfort to say, Mia's. I wish we could all do more. I wish we could make it better. I'm sorry the pain is so deep and so wide. Thinking of you with love. Xx

Lostonthemoors · 02/02/2013 17:25

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Tamdin · 02/02/2013 21:12

So sorry to read your words of pain and hurt. As trulymadlydeeply said I wish we could make it better for you. I wish so much you didn't have to go through this. Sending you love x