''Even the smallest of footprints have the power to leave an everlasting imprint on the Earth'' Remembering with love our darling children

[Whatevertheweather]

Remembering not only what we have lost but what our darling children have given to us.

A new 'safe haven' thread. Thank you Chip for our last one which filled up in just a month. A sure sign of lots of tears, smiles and wonderful support.

All our children have taught us something whether they were born sleeping, lived just a little while, weeks, months or years. Here are mine:

Never ever take anything for granted, life can change very quickly.
Listen to yourself; your instincts will nearly always be right.
That it is possible to function seemingly normally with a broken heart.
That I have a wonderful relationship that can withstand the hardest of times.
That love and support can come from the most unexpected sources.
That I have a lot of very lovely friends, new and old.
That my family is amazing.
That no matter what it is impossible not to smile and laugh with my beautiful Katie around.
That a rainbow can provide hope in the darkest of times.
That there will be good days and bad days
That I love my children more than I ever thought possible.

For all our darling children xxx

Blue Your DD is very clever :) Sorry that June is going to be so hard - when is Sterre's birthday? xx

Fioled I'm guessing the remember day is the day you found out Annabelle died? The SANDS day sounds an excellent idea. I'm sorry that it's still so hard, though I imagine it always will be xx

will catch up after the apprentice.. but here is something to shift the focus from paranoia....

please update our dates thread so we know when our friends special dates are approaching

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/1204213-tread-softly-for-your-tread-amongst-our-dreams

Yes, remember day is day she died. She died sometime in the early hours of the 16th, scan confirmed it around midday. I had been worried about her movements in the evening before (15th) but we had had a midwife appointment in the day and she said everything was fine and we listened in on the hb monitor at 11.30pm before going to bed and she was definitely still there then. So we decided she must be having a quiet sleepy day and decided if she was still quiet in the morning we would go to hospital. Morning came and I knew she was gone. Still quiet, but couldn't find her on the hb monitor. I just knew.

Hospital 'told me off' on the phone for being hysterical and having a hb monitor at home, well they didn't really tell me off, but told me I wasn't trained to use one and now I was in this state. Then they told me wait two hours before going in because they were busy. So we got there around 11am, strapped to a monitor. They initially thought they had found her hb but it was very slow, but then they realised they had found mine and started rushing in consultants and sorting out a scan. I was then scanned around midday and then those words 'sorry we can't find a heartbeat'

A decision that will haunt me forever now. I wish I could turn back time and go in on the Tuesday night. :( That was my biggest mistake and where I failed her the most.

But fioled, if you had gone in, would they have done anything? She had a heartbeat, I doubt if they would have done anything. Don't blame yourself, there is just no explanation for these terrible things that happen to babies.

I know you are right chip, it is likely it would've been the same outcome. But I can't help but wonder 'what if' - if I had gone in while she still had a hb would they have noticed something was wrong on the trace and been able to somehow save her? I know we'll never know, and I can't change anything. I hope one day I will be able to make peace with it all.

Great post earlier btw :) xx

Ok This time of year's tough for me, so some virtual hand-holding might help & I'm almost persuaded that those of us further down the road can help no matter what others' motives are. My story is so much like a bad soap opera that it probably doesn't pass any 'troll-test' (melodrama for effect, anyone?), but that's precisely why I sometimes feel so isolated in RL. I know a number of people who've gone through one of our traumas, but hardly anyone who has repeatedly been knocked. Shabs, you are one of the only people I have 'met' who come close, & it is your willingness to share that gave me the confidence to step forward a little - thank you :) It seems churlish to hide behind worries of random nasties, so I tentatively hold my hand out to those who need reassurance that, no matter how awful it feels now, it will get better (& that doesn't mean that you will leave your children behind).

So sorry to see new faces here. Hold gently to the love of your children - they rest in your heart.

Thank you Hely xxx

Fio I have similar regrets also, as a few posts up. It eats me up sometimes. All the what ifs. I wish with all my heart that I'd made it into hospital that night but I can't change it xx

Good lord what a lot of things have happened today. I've not seen this thread so busy before. But nice to see you all!

Firstly cheese - hello too, today is quite normal and functioning ok. Tomorrow seeing the councillor so will undoubtedly cry and feel that he's been acknowledged. Mechavivzilla I know, August will be a bad bad month. Here's to our babies, Dexter and little B xx

I don't really understand the trolling talk. Surely there would be a change in the tone if there are new members? Don't mean to offend.

Helyantha - we've not met but hello and please may I hold your hand?

Over the last few weeks I've valued coming on this thread and hearing all your voices and having a space to express my thoughts. It does seem a safe space to me, although I gather that there have been some problems in the past but I must say that I have not been struck by any strangeness here. Please all of you do continue to post, you are helpful to at least me and I can see a ray of hope for the future in how you are now xxx

So sorry if I have missed posts, such a lot x

Goodness Adam's out, I liked him.

So much chatter tonight, and both familiar and newer voices here. Thanks everyone for being brave, open and understanding, and willing to share your stories.

Mia was with us today - we went for my 12 week scan and saw a wriggly baby, who measured up in all the right ways. Still very nervous about nuchal though. Officially now due 7 Dec. Of course, we both cried - again. On the way home, there was an enormous Mia cloud kiss in the sky, as if to say "See, it was all ok. I am looking out for you all."

tami your DD1 reaffirms my thoughts about children and death. She is seeing something we can't, maybe because we have lost that facility, or maybe because we are taught to see life and death very differently... although Mia's little friend, Mr Star, did insist the other day that Mia was in DH's big toe!!

Hello! Hold onto that ray of hope (& don't worry when it wavers). Some minutes/hours/days are still rubbish, but there is more light in the world than I thought possible in those early dark days.

Oh Mias, lovely news :)

Fioled please listen to chip, she's right, there is nothing you could have done. Like you & cheese I feel nothing, nothing but guilt. I knew something was going to go wrong (I even wrote about it on NM just days before Tamsin died, asking for advice on the last scan), so great was my worry... my fear. It's so utterly shitty, and the guilt is the worst thing ever - they were still in us, there should have been no safer place. I ^do believe in fate, what kind of fcked up fate it is, but to believe it was just random, meaningless, is just too much to bear. Please take care, you have a beautiful, beautiful little boy, who will grow up, knowing, loving & missing his sister, but I'm sure she is looking after him xx

FM thanks for the link, I hope it is OK to add Tamsin? Hope the hospital visit went OK? xx

Firsttobed Adam was great. I must admit I do (and I feel ashamed to say this) enjoy watching Tom I did laugh at the double entendres that Ricky kept throwing out xx

Hely hello :)

Miasmummy chip it is really freaky, how children can sense things. I'm sure they have more senses than us. Which is probably why childrens literature is far more engrossing than adults... they can appreciate, and imagine all the possibilities xx

Tami

Hely I think I love you already! Please stay around

Lets not get bogged down with what did/might have happened .. its just nice to see the thread coming back together ..

fioled seriously dont let the what ifs destroy you .. what if i had asked the midwife to get the right measurements, what if i hadnt listened when they said fraser was fine when he had stopped moving , I could go on .. but my dad always says never revisit a decision. If you make a decision based on all the facts that you have at the time then its the right decision and you shouldnt go back and beat yourself up about it

twinkle welcome along we are sorry you are here but glad you found us ... I am not sure how I would have coped with having other kids to look after when I lost fraser... having another child will not replace your ds.. how could it ?? but it does give you a new focus and someone to cuddle

Early days are sooo hard.. you feel you will never be happy again ...you cant think about the future.. you just feel so empty .. but it does get easier with time ladies .. it really does.
You will one day realise you have managed an hour without crying and then an afternoon and then a day ... it never leaves you and grief comes back to bite when you least expect it but you will have happy days and one day you will be able to look to the future and plan happy events

helyantha .. welcome back ... what lovely words.. we are here if you want to talk about what happened ..

Hubby is slowly getting better but it llooks like he will be in hospital over the weekend.. bummer ..

waves to everyone else and hopes we are all doing as ok as can be expected

now .. while you are all here .. get updatng the dates thread I posted a link to... bossy boots alert

Morning girls x

Morning all x how's everyone doing ? I have been to the churchyard today for the first time in a long time .

Been bitten on the bum by old grief today .

Will buck up soon , think I have just been too busy lately .

Found this poem for you TW...

The pain does not dissipate
It penetrates and hides within;
So that the world,
Seeing the outward smile,
The composed manner,
Hearing the tempered voice
Forgets.

Removing the mask,
Lifting the veil,
Peering behind the facade
Reveals a torment
The world has no desire to know.

I know exactly what you mean about 'old grief' - it has a nasty bite doesn't it? xxxx

Hello everyone, it's been 8 months now since we lost Jacob. We are now looking into putting the headstone back up ( he is with my dad) they like you to leave it at least 7 months here.

Haven't posted for a while but lurk from time to time to see how everyone is.

Congratulations to those who are pregnant, I think I've said that already? We are still ttc although abit half heartedly as I am worried that the stitch won't work and we will loose another baby

Thankyou to you all for your support xx

Thanks Shabs , the line

"Reveals a torment the world has no desire to know"
is so bloody true isn't it ?

I saw a card the other day with a line about "I would have a breakdown but I just don't have the time to fit it in" That is how I feel atm .

It will pass , I will go out and about and carry on my day without scaring anyone .

Hows you ?

Not too bad thank you. Just cant get my MN friends little boy - Daniel (Scooby) out of my mind. They had the service streamed onto the internet and I watched it - beautiful tribute to him. Lots of wonderful music and people talking about what a lovely lad he was. I watched it in tears and now it is playing on my mind. Think its because I know they have a long road to travel in front of them Has been a 'wobbly' week IYKWIM? xxx

I do indeed know what you mean , how heartbreaking , life is just so unfair sometimes .

Must have been lovely but so hard to watch that , at least when you are there in person hugs can be given .

Morning all :)