''Even the smallest of footprints have the power to leave an everlasting imprint on the Earth'' Remembering with love our darling children

[Whatevertheweather]

Remembering not only what we have lost but what our darling children have given to us.

A new 'safe haven' thread. Thank you Chip for our last one which filled up in just a month. A sure sign of lots of tears, smiles and wonderful support.

All our children have taught us something whether they were born sleeping, lived just a little while, weeks, months or years. Here are mine:

Never ever take anything for granted, life can change very quickly.
Listen to yourself; your instincts will nearly always be right.
That it is possible to function seemingly normally with a broken heart.
That I have a wonderful relationship that can withstand the hardest of times.
That love and support can come from the most unexpected sources.
That I have a lot of very lovely friends, new and old.
That my family is amazing.
That no matter what it is impossible not to smile and laugh with my beautiful Katie around.
That a rainbow can provide hope in the darkest of times.
That there will be good days and bad days
That I love my children more than I ever thought possible.

For all our darling children xxx

Morning ladies xx

waves to tw xx

Hi
I haven't posted for ages, we went on holiday which we really really needed.

My daughter Constance (we shortened it to Nancy) was born on 29th December 2011 by EMCS after I had noticed reduced movements. She had suffered from oxygen starvation though due to blood clots in the placenta, and she died 2 days later on New Years Eve after we had to take her off the ventilator etc. She was perfect on the outside, but her little insides didn't work properly.

I am struggling so much to deal with my grief at the moment. I think on the outside I am 'getting on with things', I have been back at work for a while etc, but I have found that I am struggling to hold back my tears constantly. My thoughts and feelings swing dramatically from one hour to the next and I just don't know how to regain control, or even if I really want to.

I haven't caught up from the last couple of weeks yet, and only a quick post because I'm at work at the moment, but hi to everyone x

That poem really resonates - thank you. Sorry to hear you're having a tough few days, tw - 'this soon shall pass' (but you know that). I get so tired of maintaining a 'composed manner', but there's no real choice, is there? :(

Fm, if I give any details about DS3, it will out me pretty quickly & I'm not that brave! I was also bothered by a certain person using admittedly sparse details I'd written about here in her blog. I have an irrational dread of being 'that woman'. He was 6, it was sudden, it's crap. Sorry :(

Elly: it's so hard when life starts to get back to normal. Be gentle on yourself x

Hello everyone,

I'm afraid I haven't quite caught up with all the recent posts, I was getting too bogged down in the troll/weird vibe stuff and was feeling really uncomfortable reading it, so I've just skipped it all. I'll try and catch up at some point.

We're going to a SANDS peer support group tonight. In a way, I'm looking forward to it, but I'm also freaked out at the prospect of hearing others' stories and sharing mine, in person. It takes about 10 minutes for me to write each post on here when I'm taking about how I feel. It's so hard to find the words, I don't know if I'll be able to do it face to face and in real time.

I've had some really tough days recently. I miss Benedict so much, it's a real physical pain. And then all of a sudden it goes and things are 'normal' and then I have the guilt. And I'm fed up of being told not to make any decisions about whether or not to have another baby too soon. I don't want another baby. I don't want the months of trying and the tears when I get period again, the stress and difficulties my body has to go through when I'm pregnant, the shock of a super-speedy delivery and the fear of history repeating itself. Above all, I don't want to replace my son with another baby. We always said we wanted two children, we have two children.

I know that my pov is at odds with a lot of you, but I can't say it like this to those who are nagging me, so I need to vent it here.

Must go and chuck my muddy monkey in the bath before we head out...

mrsY It took me over a year before I could even think about putting myself through the pain of trying to get pregnant again , I know that for some people it really helps but for me I just couldn't face it . However you are feeling is "normal" . I found that non bereaved friends would often try to "fix" things for us and in fact my BIL told my DH that the best thing we could do is try for a baby straight away , this was at my sons funeral . My DH had the sense not to tell me what he had said for a few months .

Hely I am feeling a bit better now thanks , just "one of those days!"
I now have , just don't know where it comes from sometimes . You expect it at certain times of the year but out of the blue it is a bit of a shock .

Elly I agree with Hely about normal life creeping in now , you are doing really well by the sounds of it , it is a shit thing you have been through and you are bound to feel teary and sad , any chance you can take a few days off ? Just allowing yourself a good wallow and to "just be" can help sometimes .

wave back at Lavandes How you doing ?

Thanks so much for the welcome everyone - I can't believe that there are so many people who are in this awful situation.

Re his name, I can't bring myself to write it down, because I know that in years to come if I decide to torment myself with a google search this would come up and I don't think I could bare it. I have previously spent some time on the Macmillan website and have to force myself not to check on there or put any details into google so that I don't relive it when I am now much further along the road. Hope that makes sense and you understand what I mean. Also writing his name down makes it real and that is what I am really struggling with at the moment.

Its been 10 weeks now and I am really struggling to be honest. My other children don't really bring any comfort and I find myself snapping and getting cross with the smallest things - and then I think back to before this nightmare and I was such a happy mummy - no shouting or anything, we had such a wonderful life.

I have such anger too, I have never experienced anything like it, I really feel that I just need to punch something or throw and break stuff its like I have steam coming out of my ears. I have been like it on and off all day and I feel like I am going mad. I am just so cross that my life has been ruined and I wish it was all over and I could go and be with him. It feels like I am going to live a life sentence until I can see him again. I used to look forward to getting old and now I don't think I would give a monkeys if something happened to me tomorrow. So sad all the time.

I am also bursting into tears constantly and bordering on the hysterical. Until this week that had only happened to me a few times, you know the wailing noise, but now it seems to be every day and I can't control it. I am always on the verge of tears and anything can set me off. Got myself into a state just now because my older boy is dressing up as a prince at school tomorrow, so I was ferreting around in his wardrobe for his dressing up princes outfit, and I found my other little boys one too, they dressed up together last year for the royal wedding - I just cannot believe that he is gone, and got myself into a state. I also don't seem to be able to bring myself out of it once I get in it.

Thank you for all your lovely replies, you don't know how much it means to me, I think my husband thinks I am becoming a bit on the loony side.

xxxxxx

Twinkle I am so sorry , 10 weeks is so very early , I am not surprised you are still at the wailing stage . Do you have any help with the other children ? It must be so difficult having to carry on for them and try and keep things ticking over . Harry was our first so we had the luxury of being able to wallow , sob , scream for as long as we liked , I do think it helped in the long run .

I really recognise the feeling of not wanting to carry on , I don't think I would have actively done anything to end things but I did used to hope I wouldn't wake up in the morning . The only thing that stopped me doing anything about it was the thought of my family having to go through even more pain than they were already in .

How is your dh dealing with it ? I know it can be hard to keep a united front and the temptation to hide away on your own can be very strong .

twinkle, I initially got no comfort from my other children after Sylvie-Rose died. I used to hug them and feel numb which was just horrible. And then my feelings for them did come back which was a huge relief. And I still get days where I think it's not worth going on but then I wouldn't want my boys or dh to be without me either.
10 weeks is nothing at all.

I was the same for weeks after Jude died. I'd cuddle my daughter and then feel so guilty that it wasn't enough for me. One day a few weeks ago I was cuddling up to her, reading a book and I noticed that it felt normal again. I don't think we will ever fully recover from losing our precious children but all the feelings you are having sound so normal. Like chip days, 10 weeks is such early days. Hugs.x

Oops iPad keyboard I mean: like chipsays

twinkle.. anger..oh yes... so angry so very very angry...I threw stuff I yelled at people I banged doors and revved my car soo hard when driving it I am suprised i didnt kill the clutch... i was angry at the midwife for not getting the right measurement, angry that the conusltant went on hol and didnt get fraser out in time, angry that my dreams had been taken from me , angry that people didnt get it.. I could go on all night about the things I was angry at...

I am angry now that my mum has gone and that little rant has just helped ..

anger is just another step along this horrid journey we are all on ..

mrs y .. having another child is a huge decision..we werent trying perse we just werent preventing it and it happened really quickly. With retrospect if I had thought about it and considered all the worries, the sickness, extra strain of a second pregnancy etc etc I dont think Ross would be here today .. that sounds terrrible I just meant I think your thoughts are all perfectly normal and sane .. and if I had taken time to think it through I would have felt the same

Can you let me know how your sands meet goes.. I called my local sands people and they were awful.. come tell me if yours is beter

Hello everyone, can i join this thread??

My god Im struggling at the moment, some of you may have seen me before, i lost my mum 2 months ago to a severe stroke at the age of 65.

Absolutely kills right now, its my brothers birthday tomorrow and my dads on Tuesday and my youngests next weekend, i cant handle looking at cards, let alone writing them, i cant believe she has gone and i miss her so much. I feel so stressed and angry right now, my brother dont seem to be talking to me much, i have so much going on. I just wish i could bring her back, it will be horrendous her not being at these birthdays singing happy birthday and all the extra touches.

Although i feel her around and get the fluffy white feathers i just want to give her a big hug or just give her call! :'-((

The stroke was sudden and she was fine the day before, was even saying ill see you tomorrow, but it never come

Hey t I'm so sorry that you're struggling at the moment and sorry your brother isn't being a help. You must feel very alone. Sometimes the people you expect to be there aren't. My dsis was next to useless when Sylvie-Rose died but my SIL was a huge help.

twinkle I got angry at those "toddlers and tiaras" shows because I felt upset that women who dressed their daughters in provocative costumes and fake tan got to raise those daughter.
I got angry at news stories where children were abused and hurt. I'd never have laid a finger on Sylvie-Rose or her brothers.
I got angry at some of the stupid things people said, some of you will remember the lady whose dog died and who thought her grief was comparable.
I got angry that my beautiful life had been flattened in a matter of hours and that I could never, ever get that life back.
I got angry that my precious daughter never got to smile, never got to go in a buggy, and in only one day of her whole life did she ever go outdoors.
I got angry that a doctor had discharged her, thinking she was good to go home and then she died four days later. How could she have been good to go home and then die?
And I still get angry some days. Mostly I feel resigned to the fact that the life I thought I had is gone and instead there is a poor black-and-white copy of what should be a colourful 3D extravaganza. And that other people are destined to be truly happy but I'm not.
I feel the only people who get it are the people on this thread and the very few people I know in real life who have lost a child. Which thankfully isn't too many because I would hate to think that any of my friends would have to go through this.

Oh goodness. Twinkle, welcome and I'm so sorry about your boy. My eldest is a similar age but I lost my youngest. I can't imagine what you're going through.

Ellypoo, hello. I'm sorry, Constance is such a lovely name.

MrsY, normal and guilt seems like its the new normal. I get it. Another child, well it's such an individual decision. For us, we have made the decision that we'd like another one. But well just see what happens rather than getting stressed like last time. But I too feel like we've had the three children that we always wanted. We don't need another to make up. But it seems somehow right for us. But it's not the same for everyone. I think at this is what I'm learning about grief - its so individual, no right answers.

Not angry, just resigned and questioning.

The SANDs meeting was good, fm. There were two ladies 'leading' it who were each about 4 or 5 years down the line. Then two other couples, and two ladies. Some about a year on, some a few months. All differing stories, of course, but all in a similar place. The relief to be able to talk without havingto explain how we felt was amazing. We could laugh without feeling self-concious and cry without guilty.

I'm glad we went, it was a real safe haven, much like this thread.

I've not had much anger - MrY has - mine has been more incredulity and confusion.

If you think you are going insane - thats normal.
If all you can do is cry - thats normal.
If you have trouble with the most minor decisions - thats normal.
If you have feelings of rage, denial and depression - thats normal.
If you find yourself enjoying a funny moment and immediately feel guilty - thats normal.
If your friends dwindle away and you feel like you have the plague - thats normal.
If your blood boils and the hair in your nose curls when someone tells you 'It was Gods will' - thats normal.
If you cant talk about it but you can smash dishes against the wall - thats normal.
If you can share your story, your feelings, with an understanding listener - another bereaved parent - thats normal.
If you can get a glimmer of your childs life rather than their death -thats wonderful.
If you can remember your child with a smile - thats healing.
If you find your mirrors have become windows and you are able to reach out to other bereaved parents - thats growing.

'Stolen' from a Compassionate Friends newsletter.

Good morning all, and hello to all I haven't spoken to before.

Again there has been a lot going on on the thread and I haven't quite caught up.

I really expected to be angry, but I am not yet. Sad and guilty. I went into labour with no warning at all at 24 + 2 weeks. Dexter survived birth and really had excellent care from wonderful doctors. He really did have a chance, but he was so small. My labour was so fast we had no time to get him the steriods for his lungs, so he had no reserves at all to fight off this infection.

chip seeing all those things really hurts. Seeing babies I don't know hurts too. Ones I know are fine, they are little individual people.

firsttobed thank you. but how horrible we are at about the same stage :(

I have been visiting his grave most days but I get there and I don;t really know what to do.

Contacted SANDS last night by e-mail. I don't think I am ready to talk to anyone yet, but I hoped there would be someone I could e-mail back and forth.

Sunshine is back here, sending sunny thoughts to all and our little ones.

Thanks ever so much everyone, good to know that I am not going mad.

Orion and Chip - Thank you, I am glad that its not just me that feels like this. People say I am 'lucky' because I have 2 children left. I don't care I could have 100 children and would feel the same. If I ever allowed myself to imagine this situation happening to me, I would think that the children that were left behind would pull me through. Doesn't seem to work like that, I feel that if I don't have all of them whats the point in having any of them.

Elly I feel exactly the same I can't seem to regain control either, and don't really want to.

Frasersmummy sorry to hear about your mum, I lost my mum nearly 6 years ago when I was pregnant with my oldest, it was awful at the time. I am noticing that my grief now is very similar to how I coped then. I am hoping that eventually I will get to a point again where the times between the really low points get longer and longer and now when I think of her I just feel a sense of longing, but the awful sadness isn't there anymore, and I never thought I would be able to say that. Not sure if I can ever get to that again though as this seems so much harder for me. Hope you are coping ok.

Travellingwilbury I have had help with the others up til last week, there has basically been a rota and either my dad, sister or parents in law have taken over. I felt that I should start trying to get back to looking after them, and started last week on my own. Goes ok for the most part, last week was ok I was feeling more positive and kept busy, but this week I seem to have crashed and burned.

Think its because I have started the dreaded school run again, and all I see are his little friends and their mums who I used to spend my time with, and its awful. Today I was crying all the way there and back which was embarrassing. I am not sure if its good for me to have got back to these things so quickly because it feels like I am just putting myself in a situation that I don't need to be in at the moment. Half term next week though so I get a break from it. Ugh.

Someone has emailed me asking what my plans are for the Jubilee weekend. What is wrong with people?! Like I am busily planning a fun weekend I can barely get out of bed. Obviously still feeling the anger.

xxxxxx

I'd written a long post but lost the damned thing... grrr...

twinkle I think it's normal to feel that your remaining children can make-up for the one you lost. I felt angry with DD1 (who was 16 months when I lost Tamsin), when she woke at night. I felt cheated. It should have been Tamsin waking me, and I was resentful that my nights were still broken, but there was no Tamsin. So many people told me that I should be grateful to have DD1, but for a long time I was distant towards her. That does fade, I promise, and you will feel close to your others, but right now you are in the physical & emotional grip of profound grief. What you feel is normal. It does & will get better, I promise you. You just have to wait, and go through what you're going through (((hugs))).

Those that asked what you're doing for the jubilee, don't have a clue. They have no idea what it's like for you - and I hate to tell you this, but it doesn't really improve. 'Feelings of grief far outlive sympathy' is a motto I think should be drummed into bereaved parents. Because, people will always be looking for signs that you are 'over it', and you are 'back to normal'. The truth is you will never be truly over it. You just learn to live with it.

I liken grief to physical pain (and it is). To start with, it is an acute pain. Agony, all consuming. But you get used to it, and it becomes a chronic pain. It's still there, the background to your life, but it loses it's acuteness.

There are times when it becomes acute again. But the pain does blunt at times, as you learn to live with it xx

Orion chip Exactly the same here (sorry there were so many posts I didn't read them all properly). The feeling for those remaining does come back again, but in the early days it is normal to feel detached from your other children.

Mechavivzilla There is nothing that you can do at the grave really, is there? I don't go as often as I did, and I feel guilty about that. But when I'm there, like you, there is nothing to do. Just pay respects. I used to be almost overcome with the urge to dig Tamsin up, to bring her home. I hated, hated hated that she was there, and not in my arms. And to be honest I still hate it, and try not to allow myself to dwell.

FM TW* sorry you're having such rough times xx

MrsY I wasn't angry at the very beginning, mainly just confused, like I'd stumbled into someone else's life. That this couldn't really be my reality. The anger did come. Still at times I want to smash things xx

Plans for the Jubilee weekend? Like you'll be in the humour to party! People are so clueless.
I remember a friend saying to me "Well, at least you have the boys" I honestly think she was trying to help by pointing that out but because she hadn't been through it and didn't have any dc's of her own, she really couldn't imagine how I was feeling.

It comes back to the fact that people want to fix you to help you, and to help themselves. We as humans need to know that we can survive these things.

I just got my letter from the consultant after our 6 week check up. Said pretty much what I expected, but she also added in phrases about her feeling so sad on a personal level because she had known us from my PTSD sessions after the Mouse's birth. Very sweet, but so unexpected so it through me. Unfortunately, the post had arrived just a few minutes before the estate agent came round to value our house. Poor man didn't know what to do when I opened the door, with tears and snot pooring down my face and then ran up to the bathroom.

Tami at his funeral I was convinced there was no way I could let him go into that grave alone. My DH, both our mums and I lowered his coffin and I am glad I did, but it was so hard. I felt like that was just one small thing I could do for him as his mother. Like others have said, I should be waking with him through the night, or at least expressing for him and visiting him in the NNU. But I can't.

I cannot imagine saying to anyone that existing children would make up for one you had lost. Would they replace their mother or partner with another person and that would be okay because at least they had SOMEONE? Not that you love the others less.

Someone today said, oh but you had so much trouble concieving, at least you know now you can get pregnant! But there is no brightside to this really. Well, I guess at least I had Dexter for a little while. I know some people were denyed even that.

twinkle my plans for the Jubiliee weekend are to survive. I guess yours are too? :)

Love to all.

Mechavivzilla I guess people say about other children, because it's something to say. The platitudes are endless. I was told that "everything happens for a reason", as if that would make me feel better. You'd never dream of saying to someone with terminal cancer "oh well, these things happen for a reason", so why is it OK to say it to us?

Of course the fact that you had difficulty conceiving, then had the blessing of having Dexter (albeit for a far too short period) does not mean that it will be easy again. There are no silver linings really. I imagine you want Dexter, even if you were to have 20 more, they would never replace him.

The coffin story is lovely. DH carried Tamsin's coffin to the grave. I'd had an EMCS & my womb had ruptured, so I was unable to pick up/look after DD1, let alone carry the coffin. To be honest, I think I would have had held onto the coffin too. You are far stronger than me :) DH even fell on the coffin, embracing it, which showed a greater depth of emotional turmoil, than I'd imagined.

Take care xx