''Even the smallest of footprints have the power to leave an everlasting imprint on the Earth'' Remembering with love our darling children

[Whatevertheweather]

Remembering not only what we have lost but what our darling children have given to us.

A new 'safe haven' thread. Thank you Chip for our last one which filled up in just a month. A sure sign of lots of tears, smiles and wonderful support.

All our children have taught us something whether they were born sleeping, lived just a little while, weeks, months or years. Here are mine:

Never ever take anything for granted, life can change very quickly.
Listen to yourself; your instincts will nearly always be right.
That it is possible to function seemingly normally with a broken heart.
That I have a wonderful relationship that can withstand the hardest of times.
That love and support can come from the most unexpected sources.
That I have a lot of very lovely friends, new and old.
That my family is amazing.
That no matter what it is impossible not to smile and laugh with my beautiful Katie around.
That a rainbow can provide hope in the darkest of times.
That there will be good days and bad days
That I love my children more than I ever thought possible.

For all our darling children xxx

Im sorry Everlong - you asked me what I meant and I was honest and told you what I had done. You shouldn't be done with this thread just because I have peed you off.

Everlong please dont disappear ..

When I noticed the oddness on here ..

I started a thread re banned trolls appearing back in site stuff ... and this resulted in some honest and open answers from mnhq about this thread and about trolls in general esp in light of our latest visitation...

I know now that mnhq are on the case and have sorted stuff out in the background ..

The reasons shabs and myself etc are saying there was something odd is because when you have been part of a conversation for a long time you get to know when the vibe has changed and it did definatly change.. very subtly but it did change...

like I say mnhq have been on the case .. and sorted it .. there is no finger pointing going on I can assure you

Hello all. Well, FWIW, I need this thread, and all the kindness, understanding, love and humour that I have found here. Not only from the people further along this "crappy path", but those who lost their children around the same time I wrote about Mia. You all have given me strength and hope, and the ability to believe that it is possible to continue to live, and to love my gorgeous girl even more through my loss. Your insights and willingness to share your own experiences have made a huge difference to my life. And I hope that perhaps, just perhaps, I can be of help to those women who have found us here recently.

Hello all xx

I am still not here as much as I would like to be but that is going to change .

My tuppenyworth is that after getting bitten in the past two or three times I eventually became a bit jaded and cynical , I hated feeling like that and just needed to take a step back for a while . I don't know if it was an oddness on the thread or the fact that I was just too untrusting but I was finding it too hard to be hear and open up as I have in the past .

I didn't really want to come on here and say that as I know how I gfelt when I joined TCF just after they had a tough time with trolling and I really didn't want to make anyone feel worse than they already do .

Finally I have realised that to dissapear as I did just means the wind up merchants have won and that isn't going to happen .

I also know I am waffling a lot ( no change there then I know )

I really want to get back to doing what we do best , I would rather be made to look a fool 10 times than turn away someone who needs a hand .

Anyway , blah blah blah

I am so new, I know nothing about tones or trolls old or new. I do know in the 17 days since I lost Dexter, mumsnet in general and this thread in particular has been a comfort to me.

Cheeseandgerkins thank you for sharing your story. I find I want to talk about Dexter all the time, but actually haven't managed to much yet. Despite the worry and fear, we had so much joy with him for 12 days and we are heartbroken we had to say goodbye. I miss him so much.

Firsttobed I was due in August too. Think I might just spend that month drunk! It just doesn't feel right. Dexter is my first baby, so I haven't had any people ask me how many children I have. I don't know what I would say. I want to tell people what has happened, but I don't want to upset people!

Tamisara I was sure I recognised your username! SANDS was reccommended to me but you are right, it is really quiet. And has been down all day. Will reply to your message when it gets up and running again.

to EVERYONE thank you. I wish no one felt this way, but I have been comforted by knowing there are others who understand, there are others further on the journey, there are others who are pregnant again or who have had babies after something so crushing and horrible. If I can help someone else I will, I have decided I want to live as the best Mummy Dexter could have wanted. I think that is really all I can do at the moment.

Feck it, I just typed a really long post and lost it! But just wanted to beg everlong not to go! Will post later.

Everlong I don't want you to go either . Not when I have just got the ooomph to come back .

I bet you look great in your bkini now

Mechavivzilla I think that SANDS has lost the message - they've got a message on the front page saying that all messages posted yesterday have been lost :(. I am sorry that you've had to find us here. Dexter is a truly lovely name xx

I don't know enough about trolls to comment. I hope that everlong doesn't go :(

I appreciate that it must be hard to have opened your heart up, revealed your deepest, innermost emotions (almost your soul it feels like), only to realise that you've been talking to someone who is less than genuine. That said although I would be angry at being 'duped', I do stand by my feelings, I am not ashamed of them, and am well aware that anyone could read this forum. If I can help (or at least let others know they are not alone) then I'm happy with that.

I've often wondered about lumps and her little Alice. I really hope that lumps is doing OK, and that this thread helped her, when she needed it.

Good afternoon ladies x

Glad you had a good holiday Everlong

I hope that peace will soon return to this special place.

I am going away for a long weekend of good food and delicious wine in France. When I return I will try to lose a bit of weight so I can fit into the two wardrobes of clothes that are just hanging around doing nothing at the moment. I have let myself go over the past 2 years and it must stop. xx

I do hope that this thread can continue. I find it heartbreaking to see new faces, but I remember too well, the early days - when you need someone there, someone to tell you that how you're feeling is OK. Someone who doesn't patronise you, by dismissing your feelings and trying to get you 'over it' quickly, someone who doesn't dole out meaningless platitudes (such as 'at least you've still got..' 'things happen for a reason' etc).

This thread was the only place where I felt my feelings and my loss, were validated. Where others 'got it'.

I don't think I could have survived without this thread, and I still rely on the hand-holding, the chance to comfort (in whatever small way) others, and to catch up with those I have genuinely come to regard as friends.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I too have struggled recently on this thread. Not for the same reason as has been stated, but coming from the other side (i.e. coming after the trolling), when others have been (quite rightly) more wary. But for those of us who are paranoid sensitive, it can seem as if you may be under suspicion. I know that questioning people is not allowed, but I agree with everlong that it would be better, as not knowing who people may be referring to, undoubtedly can lead to others worrying that it may mean them.

Glad this is all sorted, and we can get back to normal

lavandes I know the feeling. Having being pregnant for two out of the last three years, my (over 40yrs old) body has taken a beating. I've been dieting crazily and so far have lost 1.5 stone. Still a long way to go xx

everlong

i re-read my post and it did sound like I had you all under surveillance .... lol all I meant was rather than bitching and doing nothing I took my thoughts to mntowers.. the right think to do...

and from the answers I got they are on the ball re monitoring stuff and dealing with problems.. not on here in particular on the site as a whole
If I offended or upset then I am sorry ..

right off to visit hubby in hosp...

big smiels.. lots of rubbish banter about my day.. back big smiles for ross so he doesnt worry and then its brandy the apprentice and bed...

if I am on here later I will likely be a tad emotional you have been warned

take care all

ps Tami .. thank you for saying that about Ross.. always makes me smile when someone says something nice about my boy

Hi

I have posted on the conception after loss thread and have found my way here, hoping that I can get some support really.

My little 3 year old son died 10 weeks ago suddenly in bed. No warning and nothing wrong. Still don't know what actually happened to him, we await an inquest, and if nothing is found they are going to say SIDS but because he is over 1 it will be a sudden unexpected death in childhood. Still can't quite believe that this is my life.

I have left behind 2 other little boys who are now 5 and nearly 1. As you are all aware the devastation is enormous and I have only just in the last week felt able to even get up and out of bed and look after my boys. I have been really lucky with family support and there has been a rota of people always here and taking my son to school ect. I decided that I was feeling worse sitting in bed alone all day so have been really making an effort. I have a preoccupation (obsession) with the fact that I have quite a big age gap now, there were only 20 months between my first 2, and the close friendship that I wanted for my boys has gone.

To me, at the moment, I don't see the point in going on without him. People say I have to carry on as I have the others and need to think of them, but it doesn't matter how many children I have, I miss him, his personality, his cuddles and his smell.

I am trying to get back to 'normal' whatever that is, and have been trying to see my friends (all who have a 3 year old who is a friend of his as we all met at a baby group) and bring a bit of routine back into our lives, but I am struggling. It actually makes me panic and feel hysterical when I think of how long I have to live without him, and I am so angry that we were just starting out on our family life and its been ruined. How am I ever going to come to terms with it I think I am going mad.

I have spoken to a few mums who have lost children and most have another child relatively quickly afterwards (hence me posting on the conception thread) and while sometimes that is all I can think about and the only thing that I think can give me a purpose going forwards, other times I think that I can barely look after myself so why on earth would I want to bring someone else into this sadness? I also worry that if I do have another and it was a girl I will be really upset as I am meant to have boys, or if I have a boy I will be upset because it is not him.

Anyway, sorry for the massive story, feels good to get all these worries and fears onto 'paper'. I am really sorry for all of your losses.

xxxxxx

twinkesunshine (((hugs))) I am so, so sorry. What was your son's name? Oh lovely, there are no words.

That close friendship hasn't gone you know. Yes, in the 'physical' sense & in all 'tangible' ways, but you're eldest boy (and your younger one) will always know their brother. I'm sure your elder one misses his sibling like mad. In a way I'm sure that children have a 'connection' with death, and things 'unseen', that we lose as adults.

I don't know about having other children. I would love another one, more than anything, but I'm not in a position to right now (there was 16 months between DD1 & Tamsin, my second DD - and third child - who was stillborn at 37 weeks last year). I'm also getting older - I turned 42 in Feb, and it hurts like mad, that DD1 will never have the sisterly relationship I had with my sister, who is 18months younger than me.

Other women on here have gone on to conceive after loss, and will be along to tell you their stories. I can empathise with you not wanting a girl, but also being unsure about another boy - one thing is almost certainly true - whichever it is, the feelings will be intense, also bittersweet.

You are doing so well, just getting back 'out there' is so hard. Please don't worry, it's not a race lovely xx

I think Tami hit the nail on the head - all the talk of abstract oddness to those who hadn't noticed subtle changes in the thread (like what??) does the breed a sort of paranoia. For me (as it should be for you Tami) I don't worry that it was aimed at me (if I'm wrong I now look really silly!) as I'm friends on Fb with lots of you but it did making me start wondering who it was aimed at. Are you all talking about the same poster(s)? Are they still posting? What makes you suspicious?

I sincerely hope Everlong doesn't go - she is one of the posters on her who I have come to regard as a friend and has helped me out many a time.

Twinkle glad you found us here too it's not normally this mad! Well done for getting up and about again we all know how hard it is. You will have so many conflicting emotions especially regarding a possible new baby and its gender. Just take it a step at a time. We are here to listen xx

FM how is dh doing? It all sounds so exhausting you poor love. Whilst you're worrying about everyone else make sure you're also looking after yourself xx

Lavandes I will be getting on the fitness and diet wagon after this pregnancy too. Like Tami 2 pregnancies in a year has taken a serious toll on my body! How I wish I possessed the slim gene! Weekend in France sounds fabulous and well deserved

twinkle I am so sorry that you find yourself here, but please know you are in a safe place.

And my goodness, I recognise a lot of your emotions... my beautiful red-headed Mia died last October at the age of 13 months, totally unexpectedly. Like you, we are awaiting an inquest, although we do now know she had a bacterial infection on her heart which was not diagnosed. She is our first child, and I am currently 12 weeks pg, and very nervous.

Of course you are wondering what is the point of going on, even with your two other boys. You love them for who they are, just as you love your 3-year-old boy for who he is. Would you like to share his name with us?

Like you, I also wonder how I can bear the years yet to come without Mia, creating memories which she should be sharing with us. I have drawn strength from the others here who are further along this 'crappy path', who somehow manage. And seven months on, I too am managing, more or less, most of the time... Yes, we all struggle at different times - I think I always will. Grief is messy, not linear or with a specific timeframe.

As tami says, I suspect your boys will have continue to have a unique relationship with their brother. I now strongly believe that children don't have the same barriers in their minds about death, and they view the world very differently. Mia has a little friend who dances to the Night Garden music with her, and another little friend insists to his mother that Mia is playing with him on the swings, or that she wants to join in reading stories. I find this just amazing, and incredibly touching.

Hope your hubby is a bit better today fm xx

FM as Lavandes says, I do hope your DH is getting better, enjoy The Apprentice (my guilty pleasure - I wish I could join you with the brandy, but I don't drink anymore) x

somehow you dropped of my Threads I'm on list.
Dreading the whole month of June...
I just managed to get Sterre's birthday off, so I don't have to deal with naughty children at after school club while I should be remembering my precious little girl.

Very fast moving here now! It's hard to keep up!

fm I hope dh is ok

everlong I really hope you don't leave the thread, there seems to have been some emotions running high lately but I hope that noone goes without the support that they need here.

twinkle I am so sorry for your loss. There is no normal anymore I find, not in the sense I once knew, it's a new kind of "normal"

whatever I feel the same as you but my paranoia makes me wonder that it could be me! I'm also friends on FB with quite a few so I hope it's not!

Tami waiting for the apprentice too :)

Cheese Whatever seems like we're all paranoid :) xx

blue I'm dreading June too. I'm glad you managed to get Sterre's birthday off.

I'm really struggling to cope or formulate a plan at the moment. We're super busy this weekend with my Mum's 60th so I can ignore the rest of the month for a little while longer.

Thinking of going to the Sands memorial service at the National Arboretum on the 16th because its B's remember day. We're feeling pulled to go to mark her day. Then her birthday's the 21st and I can't think of a plan to make it special. DH has the day off, and I'm off anyway.

Why is this 2nd birthday harder almost?

fm thinking of your hubby x