''Even the smallest of footprints have the power to leave an everlasting imprint on the Earth'' Remembering with love our darling children

[Whatevertheweather]

Remembering not only what we have lost but what our darling children have given to us.

A new 'safe haven' thread. Thank you Chip for our last one which filled up in just a month. A sure sign of lots of tears, smiles and wonderful support.

All our children have taught us something whether they were born sleeping, lived just a little while, weeks, months or years. Here are mine:

Never ever take anything for granted, life can change very quickly.
Listen to yourself; your instincts will nearly always be right.
That it is possible to function seemingly normally with a broken heart.
That I have a wonderful relationship that can withstand the hardest of times.
That love and support can come from the most unexpected sources.
That I have a lot of very lovely friends, new and old.
That my family is amazing.
That no matter what it is impossible not to smile and laugh with my beautiful Katie around.
That a rainbow can provide hope in the darkest of times.
That there will be good days and bad days
That I love my children more than I ever thought possible.

For all our darling children xxx

That's it, Elly. We're going through so many emotions - anger, sadness, confusion etc, that we really don't need to add guilt on top.

Hugs and squeezes to us all. x

Good evening ladies

I hope you don't mind my intruding but I have linked your special thread to a mum here who looks as if she might need some support.

Sending you all my very best wishes.

The reduced movements is something that will haunt me forever. I knew all about reduced movements, I should have acted sooner. I knew something was going to happen to Tamsin. I was reassured by my team, who all thought I was a neurotic mum to be, they never took me seriously.

At Tamsin's scan (just 5 days before she died) her fluid levels had dropped. Before they had been borderline high, then they were 11. As far as the consultant was concerned this was still in normal range, and indeed it was, but normal for who? As the fluid had been high previously, then it falling sharply must have signified something. There was no fluid just after she died.

After being led up the 'maybe be lupus anticoagulant' path, I now believe that the cord was compressed after the fluid went down. Which is why she was moving one night, then not the next morning.

Actually, my belief is that Sylvie-Rose is is a better place. But she shouldn't be there. I mean, if I knew that Sylvie-Rose was living in, say Buckingham palace and was being looked after and was very rich and had lots of things that I couldn't give her, well, I still wouldn't be happy about it!
First, when I was pregnant with Sylvie-Rose my bloodwork came back as high risk for trisomies. I ended up not getting any further tests but I do remember thinking that if she had a condition incompatible with life and NICU was all she was ever likely to know, then I probably would have made the choice you made. I had been in NICU with ds3 before and it was as good as the nurses and doctors could make it but it wasn't home and I think going straight from your tummy to heaven was exactly right for your little man. Particularly if he would have been so ill that all he knew was pain.

Oh ladies, all I can say that we have experienced horrors that we would never have imagined. Such terrible moments, difficult memories, and haunting pain. But also, what love we have for our children! Yes, we have immeasurable regrets for what they have lost, but also, we will always have enduring, unending quantities of love for those babies we created and carried. Every word we write here is a testament to them. Even our tears are liquid love.

Feeling very, very apprehensive about tomorrow. We have Mia's pre-inquest review, where the coroner and all the various lawyers get together to agree how long Mia's inquest should be, when it should be and where. Nervous about the timeframe, as we got back the expert witness report which doesn't really help us much. Our lawyers think the coroner may only agree to four days, rather than the original 8-10 days we wanted against the coroner's expectation of 2 days. I just want there to be enough time for all the arguments to be presented properly. We know what we think happened. But there is what is 'reasonable' and what is the 'truth' - and they aren't always the same. And also, it may be that the inquest is to be held on the same site as the crematorium where we had Mia's celebration of her life - the local council in their wisdom decided to put the coroner's court on the same site... Just scared about it all. This is all so real.

Mia's, forgive me I know a little about when the coroner gets involved but why des ther have to be an inquest for Mia? Dont feel you have to answer if you don't want to.

To everyone, many loving thoughts and prayers. I don't usually pray but ever since B died I've been thinking about God so much more.

Chip, your words are always so considered and kind. What you said about NICU has added another dimension to my thinking and you're right, I've seen children in there and I wouldn't have wanted my little B to go through that with so little chance of seeing the other side.

Did I ever say that we were advised to terminate? I suppose that I want to say that because it means that we didn't make such an awful decision on our own and that someone else bears some responsibility in a way. Ultimately the decision was ours and it was my signature on the consent form which is why I think I'm beating myself up about it. I have thought since that I should have asked my husband to countersign.

Sorry, little ramble today. X

Lemonlymon - I saw your post before it was withdrawn and had started to reply which I now won't finish. Thank you for your kind words. Thinking of you.

miasmummy I hope everything went okay today with the review.
I loved your post about us honouring our children. I have shed lots of liquid love today.xx

Thinking of you, Mias xx

miasmummy I really hope that today went as well/peacefully, as can be expected xx

firsttobed Please don't beat yourself up (((hugs))). Life is so uncertain. Your love for B shines through your words. You know you did the right/only thing you could have done. How terribly unfair for you xx

It's awful how many new names on here there are, how many precious children that have been lost :(

6 months exactly since Tamsin's funeral, today. DS thought it was weird that I counted months, he thought that it should be years that count. Bless him, he is good though, and I spent some time with him alone today, which was lovely. He was anxious to see his little sister though. I'm so sad that he never got to know his youngest sister.

Love to everyone xx

ok, millionth go at writing this. Stupid unpredictable broadband!!

chip, first, orion and tami thank you for your thoughts today. The pre-inquest review was better than I expected, although we are both drained. DH even stayed home from work afterwards and slept for four hours this afternoon, which he never does. Result - Mia's inquest will be held over four days in October, and lots of witnesses will be called, and the coroner has opened the option for us to provide our own independent reports if we want. So the first step is over.

first - an inquest has to be done because Mia died so unexpectedly, and so quickly. We took her to A&E at 7.30 in the evening, which was closed(!), were diverted to a 24-hours clinic, and then sent to a paediatric ward by 10pm. She died 5.5 hours later... which should not occur with a seemingly healthy child.

We attended a local bereavement group tonight for parents, and were impressed at the distances that some people travel to come along. Such a range of sad stories - but everyone was very welcoming and kind, and allowed us to share Mia's story. I am so glad we finally went along, as I feel that DH hasn't a huge amount of support, whereas I have plenty in RL and you lovely people here. More importantly, DH found it useful, and I think he appreciated that there were other bereaved fathers there too.

Sorry, my last post was very short. I was in work all day and started to post a couple of times and then had to go.

First, for medical staff to advise a termination means that there would be very little chance that that baby will have any kind of quality of life. They see babies who struggle all the time and the struggle the parents have to go through, only for the eventual outcome to be exactly the same as if the baby was allowed to go to sleep. I always remember watching a documentary here in Ireland about babies in NICU. Bear in mind, here if you want to terminate, you have to travel to the UK, no matter what the reason. One of the babies was a little boy who was very ill and needed lots of intervention. He died in NICU and never came home. His Mum was interviewed afterwards and I think her words were "It was very nice for us to have him for a little while but I don't know how nice it was for him."

And the form? There are always forms that have to be filled out. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter that it was your signature, you came to the decision together and you were representing your dh as well, when you signed that form.

Cross posts Mias!

What a day you had! But at least you can start getting ready for the inquest. I'm glad your dh found the group useful too. My dh doesn't really like group sessions and doesn't have much in the way of support apart from me.

Hugs Tami, milestone days are so much tougher than normal days.

Mias, have been thinking of you today, glad things went as well (?) as they did - will you be doing your own reports? We are planning on going to the local SANDS groups' peer support evening, just to see how it goes. I'm glad you and your DH both found it useful. I've asked J if he wants one-to-one as well, and he's not sure, but my theory is to get as much support as possible, at least to try it and see how it works.

Have had a tough day today, felt like every smile was forced, and was really clutching at straws to say focused and engaged. Then we went to our three year old's nursery parents evening. Hey key worker said she is 'perfect', a total joy to look after, polite, kind and happy. She has the langauge skills of a six year old and is the most advanced child in the key worker's group (and she's the youngest). She's never had to tell her off, and said she can rely on her to behave when the others are out of control! I'm so proud of our girl. Especially with what's she been through over the last month.

Quite proud of us too, for raising such a perfect child! . Have an epically busy day tomorrow, so off to bed now. Hope you all have a good weekend. x

Well done to your dd, MrsY!

miasmummy no wonder you're drained. It must've been a very emotional meeting. I hope you can have a relaxing weekend.

MrsY well done to you and your dd.

Morning ladiesxx

Morning chip and everyon else.

MIL has just collected the Mouse. Off for a short soak and then spending the afternoon with my mum. Hope everyone has a good day. xxx

Hi ladies Just checking in as back from a lovely holiday. Although center parcs is baby central, lots of lots of babies around Erin's should have been age was hard at times.

Mias sounds like you've had a draining week. How are feeling physically? I hope you are taking good care.

MrsY good on your DD. Kids are amazingly resilient aren't they. I'm constantly amazed by K.

Waves Chip Everlong and Tami - how are you?

Love to all. Hope everyone is okay - must go and unpack!! xx

Welcome back, Whatever! Glad you had a nice time, I find Centerparcs so relaxing and I really would love if they opened one in Ireland. When we last went there the girl in the Aqua Sana told me there were plans for one in Ireland but I think in the current climate they have probably scrapped the idea.#
And I know, it is so hard seeing babies around our babies' age. The other day, I arranged an appointment for a six month old baby to see me. Can't say her name on here but it's Something-Rose. I cooed at her like you do and afterwards wondered where I found the strength.

Tomorrow is cemeter day in our parish so I have been tidying up Sylvie-Rose's garden. A lot of the ornaments have faded in the sunlight. I think there is a spray you can get to prevent that but don't know where to get it.

Afternoon, all xx

Hello all. Busy weekend, but felt I achieved a lot. Planted up a huge garden bed yesterday, cleaned my car,had friends over for lunch today and even hand made bread from scratch. Now if only I could sleep past 6am...

Still no broadband - and now no landline either. Relying on my iPhone is ok, but limiting. BT is coming on Tuesday, I really hope it is sorted then.

blue I am now 11 weeks, scan booked for next week. There's been some confusion about my blood tests, but that is all sorted now. Just nervous. Lots of nausea still, although it is mainly early morning and the evening, instead of all day, which is an improvement.

tami so sorry to hear you had a hard week this week. Hoping things improve.

whatever glad to hear you had a good break! Nice to have you back though.