''Even the smallest of footprints have the power to leave an everlasting imprint on the Earth'' Remembering with love our darling children

[Whatevertheweather]

Remembering not only what we have lost but what our darling children have given to us.

A new 'safe haven' thread. Thank you Chip for our last one which filled up in just a month. A sure sign of lots of tears, smiles and wonderful support.

All our children have taught us something whether they were born sleeping, lived just a little while, weeks, months or years. Here are mine:

Never ever take anything for granted, life can change very quickly.
Listen to yourself; your instincts will nearly always be right.
That it is possible to function seemingly normally with a broken heart.
That I have a wonderful relationship that can withstand the hardest of times.
That love and support can come from the most unexpected sources.
That I have a lot of very lovely friends, new and old.
That my family is amazing.
That no matter what it is impossible not to smile and laugh with my beautiful Katie around.
That a rainbow can provide hope in the darkest of times.
That there will be good days and bad days
That I love my children more than I ever thought possible.

For all our darling children xxx

whatever, the company, if they're any good will be understanding. In my job, once a pair of glasses is made it's made and you can't uncut the lenses BUT having said that, at the end of the day, if a patient is unhappy, we will re-do them, mostly at our own expense but sometimes, even if we have warned someone strongly, that they were making the wrong choice re lenses/frames, if they are unhappy we will do them again at a discounted price. I have never worked for a monument company but I'm sure it's kind of similar.

whatever oh, poor you. I would be devastated too. Like chip, I really hope that they will be understanding and be able to create a new one for Erin which will suit her.

Had a dream about Mia last night. She was a bit grumpy and I was holding her in my arms. It felt so wonderful. Somehow, I was thinking that I could make things better, and that I figured out a way to stop her dying, which made me so happy. She fell asleep, contented, and I kissed her soft forehead, and she smiled in response in her sleep. Her skin was so soft. It was terrible to wake and find it all wasn't true. Mia still isn't here.

Mias, I had a dream like that, the other night, that I was talking to doctors about Sylvie-Rose and that she had health issues but we were going to resolve them. So awful to wake up, isn't it?

Thank you ladies, sorry for the moony rants, had a very tearful night and am exhausted today but got a ton of work to get through before we can go on holiday!

Had a call from them this morning. They have now begrudgingly realised they've used the wrong size stone (no shit!!) and that actually it's too large for the cemetery regulations for the baby area! So they've offered to send it away, cut the stone again, remove all the lettering and re-do it. Cost hasn't been talked about. Now I don't know whether to tell them to stuff it we'll go elsewhere, we've waited over 5 months when we were quoted 2-3 months and it's wrong or let them try and fix it. I just don't have the energy to deal with this right now.

Miasmummy I'm so glad Mia came to you in her dreams for some Mummy comfort when she was grumpy xx

whatever well, I guess that is something. But how draining... Is there anyone you and DP trust to deal with these people for you, and ask for exactly what you want, in a reasonable timeframe? There is nothing wrong with wanting to make it perfect for your beautiful Erin.

Am going to talk it over with dp tonight. We've paid half as a deposit and the other half is still outstanding to be paid on completion so I would argue we shouldn't have to pay the remaining £700 if we did go elsewhere. Here comes the stupidly overly hormonal psb comment - I'm scared if I let them fix it the person doing it will be pissed off at having to and I wanted her stone to be carved with love not anger I am a muppet I'll go away now and stop going on about it!

whatever the person doing it knows it's for a little baby. It is their mistake so they won't be angry. And I know, if it were my job to do something like that for a tiny baby who had died, there would be no way I could do it with anything but love.

shabs thinking of you today, it must be a hard one, 20 years :( Will light a candle for your lovely boy tonight xxx

whatever I'm sure they'll be able to fix it with love for you, I really hope so at least. So sorry that they got it wrong in the first place :( x

Whatever I'm sure it will get fixed. I have not been in that position but what has struck me since we lost little B is how kind everyone has been. I am sure that that extends further down the line too.

Mias what a lovely dream. How wonderful to be able to cuddle her again and feel her soft skin. It must have made you so happy. I too have been having dreams about little B. It must be the mind trying to make sense of what has happened and trying to make it all alright - how fortunate we are that it can be so in our dreams.

Finally got my laptop fixed (needed a new screen, so the photos/poems are all safe).

whatever I hope that you do get the headstone sorted. I understand totally that you want it to be right, of course it's got to be (((hugs))) I remember when we went to see Tamsin's coffin - the day before her funeral - and they'd written "Tasmin" on it, I was so incredibly upset. They did fix it before the next day, but I don't know what I'd have done if they hadn't. What's shit is having to do these things at all xx

Miasmummy I'm so pleased that Mia visited you, sorry that she wasn't still there (physically) when you woke. Of course she still is with you, every minute, in a way that living children aren't, but that's little consolation xx

Hi to everyone else

I feel a bit at some comments on another site. I know I'm wrong, I know I am, and I wonder if I've become more unreasonable since losing Tamsin, but it upsets me so much, to hear people talking about murdered children as if their lives didn't matter much, but so much sympathy for the murderer. I need to stay away, as obviously my empathy has disappeared, and I only really feel sorry for the poor kiddies.

Along with the new screen, I have also uploaded Tamsin's hand & footprints, which I finally scanned in :)

Uploaded to my profile I meant to say

WTW, sorry to hear about the stone. We are just starting to think of what we want. I have found a stonemason who's work looks gorgeous, so have to get some quotes I guess, and make some desicions. Peanut isn't in a children's area, as they can't have individual headstones in our cemetary's children's area, so he is tucked in a quiet corner, under a tree, in one of the main parts. We bought an adult sized plot, so J and I can have our cremated returns added in the future. We must write wills soon.

Miasmummy what a lovely dream, so hard that we can't stay in dreams like that forever.

Tami glad to hear that the poems and photos are safe. One thing I picked up on from a SANDS booklet was to upload photos etc to the internet, so we have a private flickr account for our photos.

Today, my boy should be one month old. :( Can't really type anymore as typing through tears. I miss him so much.

MrsY (((hugs))) xx

Miasmummy I forgot to say - I saw the ad for Cloudbabies, and was going to mention it on here, but you beat me to it :) I watched an episode the other night, on BBC iPlayer. I wanted to watch it without DD1 present, and I cried. Silly I know, but I thought of our little ones, playing up there in the clouds xx

Tami, I meant to say what MrsY said, do set up a remote account to store those precious photos. Anything could happen to your laptop. Even if you just email them to yourself, at least they're stored on your email account. Do it now! [bossy]

I just popped by to say I am thinking of matty....and my dear friends shabs tonight

Nice to see you, fm!

where is everyone? more importantly, how is everyone?

Had a busy day yesterday and a very early start - 10 hours of driver training in London for my Olympic volunteer role. All very affirming and exciting. However, I really hit the wall when I went to bed. Somehow, I still obviously associate Mia and feeling happy, and when she wasn't there at home waiting for me, asleep in her bed, I had such heaviness inside me, I just cried and cried. Quite strange, given that over six months have passed...

Miasmummy 6 months may have passed, but it's not strange, not at all. She should have been tucked up in bed, why shouldn't you cry that she isn't, even after 6 months, it's so unfair (((hugs))) xx

I was feeling a lot better this week, until today. I think a cashier may have (inadvertantly) made me feel bad. She is (seemingly) a bit psychic. She said to me yesterday, that I looked different. I was well-chuffed. I've lost over a stone in weight (which even DS noticed), so thought she was commenting on that.

Sadly not. She asked how many "weeks" I am. I (being very dense) didn't twig what she meant, and she said "you're pregnant aren't you?"
I replied "no". She didn't seem to believe me, saying that she knew these things, and if I didn't want to say... I kept repeating that I wasn't, to which she finally said "we'll see". I had to then tell her that unless I'm going to be known as 'The Virgin Tamisara' (or at least 'celibate tamisara) then there wasn't a chance in hell.

She then got flustered, and said that my face was 'glowing'. She also said "at least you've got DD1, that makes up for it"... aargh!

I don't know. I'm really upset that someone thought I may be pregnant (even worse having lost weight), and also that DD1 makes up for losing Tamsin, when it doesn't make a difference

Mias, I think we will all be hitting those walls for many, many years.Six months is nothing, nothing at all. Mia should be tucked up in her bed, every night.

Oh dear, Tami, that woman sounds like a terrible psychic! Why on earth she thought it was OK to say anything at all to you, is beyond me! And of course dd1 doesn't make up for Tamsin, they are two different children, she probably just didn't know what to say. She'd best not give up her day-job!

Miasmummy, so hard when you're hit with again like that. x

Tami that must have been horrid, people just grasp at anything they can to try and help themselves and help you. They just don't seem to understand that there is nothing they can do.
Well done on loosing the weight, that's great.

Have had a tough few days. I just keep being hit by the injustice of it all. We have so few positives to take from what happened - I just wish I could have seen him smile once, or seen the colour of his eyes. We have no funny remember-when's. Part of me would be happy to scrub the last 11 months entirely. I wish could hold him, but I don't know if that counts as missing him - seeing as we never knew him. We don't know if he'd be a clingy baby, or have colic, or be a good feeder. So can we really say we miss him? Or do we just want a baby in the house? Sorry, that sounds so harsh. I just hurt so much that it feels like all I associate with him is the pain of loosing him.

That's so unfair Tami and how slow to pick up on her mistake.

Mias - yes she should be waiting for you and I echo - 6 months is not long at all.

MrsY I'm sorry. It isn't right. That sounds so weak but I'm truly sorry for your loss and like you say the injustice of it all. My husband wrote something similar to your words in little B's tribute: how can we talk about him? Would he be a happy baby? Sleep well? Feed well? Would he cooperate with nappy changes? We can never say because we will never know. Our losses are very different but some feelings are similar.

It's 4 weeks today since he was born and died. I miss him so terribly. My baby boy. My beautiful boy. Please forgive me. Xxx

MrsY, I did get to know Sylvie-Rose, kind of. She was a premature little baby and when she was born first, she mostly slept. She was in an incubator and at feeding times I used to sometimes take her out and sometimes leave her in the incubator depending on how the nurses felt. If I took her out for one feed, then they wouldn't let me take her out for a second feed as they felt it would be too taxing for her. But yet they said she was "feisty", objected loudly when a new tube had to be put in, tried to take all the wires off.
This was all between the "age" of 28 weeks and 35 weeks when they finally let her out. Even at that age, she was most definitely a person and sometimes quite a grumpy person if things weren't going her way! Your Benedict was a person like that but because he was in your tummy you didn't get to see all the little quirks and traits that made him himself. There has never been a person like him before and there will never be a person like him again. And you know that if someone turned up at your door tomorrow with a new baby boy, that baby boy would never replace Benedict, so it is Benedict that you miss.

Sylvie-Rose never got to smile either. Shortly after she died, I dreamt that I was looking into her cot, she was sleeping and then she woke, looked up and smiled at me. I felt that she was "visiting" me and saying "Look, Mammy, I do smile"

First don't feel that B has anything to forgive you for. Most of Sylvie-Rose's life was spent in NICU and SCBU. It's not a fun place and the prodedures aren't nice for the babies. Everything is difficult, feeding, breathing, just existing. And Sylvie-Rose was one of the healthy ones. From what you say, that would have been B's life and he would never have got to leave. As it was, he went straight from your warm, cosy womb to Heaven where he hasn't a care in the world!