Christmas hope - our safe haven thread for bereaved parents.

[shabbapinkfrog]

Hope....for the bereaved parent; even at Christmas, one of the most painful times of the year, there is an essence of hope. Hope....it is hope that sustains us through the days of grief and anger and frustration and loneliness.

The hope that someday the pain of the deaths of our children will be eased. The hope that someday our smiles will be real.

So, it is that for each of you I would hope....peace, compassion, love, sympathy, understanding, sharing and listening. In the sharing of our grief with one another, and in the emotional support we give to one another, we receive and understand all of these gifts.

Remembering my precious sons....and all of your precious children at this difficult time of year.

Hello all , I ave just popped in to say hi and send hugs to all who need them x

We have had a good day today , I am knackered but in a good way .

everlong I am a lot better thank you .

Hiya girls. Not a bad day at all here. Had my Mum and Dad here for their Christmas dinner. They seemed to really enjoy themselves. xx

We put a photo of Sylvie-Rose and a candle in front of it on the windowsill as we ate Christmas dinner. When I went to light the candle there was a lock of blonde hair in front of the photo which hadn't been there before I put the picture there. It could be that ds4 has been coiffing himself with the gift-wrapping scissors but I am taking it as A Sign.

Not been too bad here either. Had a cry at the cemetery but we had her candle lit and she was remembered all day. Dp got me the moat beautiful diamond and peridot (Erin's birthstone) necklace and a swarovski crystal butterfly. Just perfect. So thoughtful. Not the day we expected but Katie had a good time

Hope everyone is okay this evening xx

we got through xmas.. not sure how this year but we got thru.. we ate, drank (a little lot too much) we remembered my mum and fraser and we got through

I am now knee deep in hm armed forces toys and I cant sleep..

Morning Ladies. Well, I guess we all made it through one way or another.
Lots of tears here yesterday, but also lots of laughter. Slightly drunken and hysterical laughter at times, but still laughter. We were just the two of us for most of the day, but my brother did pop in for a couple of hours. He bought me a beautiful pendant with 2 crystals in, one small one large - one is for me,one for Jacob. I love it.
Visiting PIL today, who are lovely,but of course we should have been taking Jacob to be spoiled rotten
Wishing you all happiness for the rest of the Christmas period (thanks for the pin on smile Shabs)

Morning girls xx

I only just woke up

Have got Lew here today and his Mummy and Daddy.....this should be fun!!!! Wonder just how many of his Xmas toys he will bring!!

Failing fast today.

Yesterday was too busy after we left the house. We opened a few presents with Xander then got dressed and went up to Belle. But the weather was crap and it feels like a rushed visit, I don't feel I spent anywhere near as much time there as I needed too.

Then we were at my parents for dinner, and then we had to rush home for DH mother etc to visit.

and now today, I've finally been allowed to sit down for 5 mintues, before having to go out to another inlaw gathering later and its all becoming too much.

I don't want to pretend I'm ok today. I want a quiet day at home. I haven't had any time to grieve and I want to be left alone.

I much prefer that last year there was no expectation on us and we had peace and quiet and left alone.

I hate the expectation that this year everything is better and we have to be at all these sodding family functions. even worse when they are inlaw ones.

its not better this year. she is still not here.

and I don't want anyone touching my baby today. he is not a sodding doll to be passed around. I want him close to me all day. the only way to avoid him being taken off me is to stay at home.

losing it.

You are not loosing it at all Caz....you are feeling normal emotions. You are having to pin on a smile. Its so difficult. If I were you (knowing what I know now) I would say 'OK please dont pass Xander round....loads of things are getting on my nerves today. Im very tired and I am missing my precious girl so much that I feel like I am loosing the plot.' 'You are all going to have to bear with me because Im finding it so hard.' IF I had done that many years ago my entire life would have been different.

If we pretend we are fine all the time people think we really, really mean we are fine. To actually speak out - and you dont need to shout or argue - quietly and honestly then everybody knows where they stand.

I know many miles separate us my friend, but when it all gets too much try to imagine that I am stood by the side of you and urging you on. xxxx

agree with shabs, Caz. Also make sure dh knows how you feel and get him to back you up.

We had quite a nice day yesterday. The cooking really helped. I make everything from scratch and found having to co-ordinate the dinner really therapeutic. Dh was very busy putting toys and bikes together. When the turkey was cooking, dh and I went up to visit her grave while the big boys watched the small boys.

I did miss her dreadfully and was very aware that Christmas should have been much more fraught as I should have been cooking with a newborn to look after.

Why do people seem to not understand that the death of a full term baby is just as painful and hard to 'get over' as that of an older baby or child?!

I'm so sick of having to explain to people it hurts just as fucking much as if she had been 1 month, 1 year or 12 years old it's still your child that has died

Whatevertheweather...............just popped in here and read your post, my heart goes out to you, all of you on here, your child has died, no words a mother and father want to hear, but sadly it is something now that is part of your life forever...............there is not a sadder, crueller death than that of your precious child, I send you love and hugs. xx

Morning girls xx

Awww Triplets I missed you.....beautiful words my dear friend...beautiful words from someone who knows exactly what they are talking about. Have been thinking about your Matthew a lot just recently xxx

Just popping in to say Hi and hope everyone had a lovely xmas or as good one as possible. I havent been on in a while as I've beeen so busy with Ruairi and I will read the thread properly so I can speak to people individually. I'm so sorry to hear about your dear mum FM, sending you my love and regards.

Hope everyone is ok and will be back soon x

Whatever the day before Christmas Eve I was in MIL's house chatting with my SILs. One SIL was very surprised when I told her that I still cry every day. I know she would be gutted if she lost any of her dc's but until that happens to someone they truly have no comprehension. And in SIL's defence she has never lost anyone but grandparents so hasn't even had the kind of grief that goes with losing an immediate family member.
I think my own Mum would like to think I'm OK but she's always been a bit ostrich-ey that way. When I way "I'm OK" she says "Oh, that's good!" and I feel like screaming "No, I'm not actually OK and never will be again!" but feel I have to keep it zipped as there's no point in everyone feeling as bad as me and dh.

Ah thank you all. Am so glad I can come on here and people do understand. Chip you're right; my stock answer is a breezy 'I'm fine'. Everlong and Triplets thank you both for your lovely messages.

Hope everyone is doing 'okay' xx

Thank you Shabs, our Matts brought us together, making a link that I know will never be broken, how special is that? xx

Morning girls xx

Happy 30th birthday to my lovely twin sons. Have already had a 'talk' to Gareths picture....that sweet, cheeky smile looking back at me. Danny is preparing for a night out with all his friends (who he has known since Primary school days) today is a 'bitter sweet' day but is not filled with the deep sadness that is used to be. Maybe time is healing me? xxx

Happy birthday to Gareth and to Danny xxx

hey shabs... happy birthday to your handsome twins

glad you are doing ok today

I am completely fed up ... mum died 3.5 weeks ago...is it really so bad that I am still shedding tears... dh seems to think I am going mad ...

I told dad to take his time and move stuff when he was ready.. but what I didnt expect that I would be tripping over black bags and boxes for days.. either bloody do it or dont .. stop leaving piles of stuff all over the houseits too upsetting

Awww FM you are bound to feel like that. I shed a few tears after my Mum and Dad went home on Xmas day. Its kind of saying goodbye to her very slowly IYKWIM. Normally she would ring when they got home and say what a lovely time she had....but, this year, she didn't. I talked to her on the phone yesterday and she never even mentioned being here. I hate my lovely parents getting old. Sending you massive hugs and thinking about you xx

LOL @ rough as toast - never heard that one before xxx xx