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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

'The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears' - bereaved parents thread.

993 replies

DawnOfTheDeementedDead · 16/10/2011 14:44

'PLEASE SAY THEIR NAMES'

The time of concern is over. No longer are we asked how we're doing. Never are the names of our children mentioned to us. A curtain descends. The moment has passed. Life's slip from frequent recall. There are exceptions: close and compassionate friends, sensitive and loving family. Still look. Still ask. Still listen. Thank God for them. For most, the drama is over. The spotlight is off. Applause is silent.

But for us the play will never end. The effects on us are timeless. What can be said, you ask? Please say "their names" to us. Love does not die. Their names are written on our lives. You may feel that they are dead. We feel that they are of the dead and still they live. They ghost-walk our souls, beckoning in future welcome. You say, "They were our children"; we say "They are". Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again. It hurts to bury their memory in silence. What they were in flesh is no longer with us. What they are in spirit stays within us always. They were of our past but they are part of our now. They are our hope for the future. Please understand we cannot forget. We would not if we could.

We know that you cannot know, yesterday we were like you. Understand that we dwell in both flesh and spirit. We do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent is steep and the burden heavy. We walk it not by choice. We would rather walk it with them in the flesh, looking not to spirit worlds beyond. We are what we have to be. What we have lost, you cannot feel. What we have gained you may not see. Please say " their names" for they are alive. We will meet them again, although in many ways we've never parted. Their spirits play light songs, appear in sunrises and sunsets. They are real and shadow, they were and they are.

Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again.
They are our children and we love them as we always did.
More each day.

'PLEASE, SAY THEIR NAMES'

In memory of my darling forever-baby Ciaran. I loved you from the moment i saw those two pink lines, and i'll love you til i draw my last breath as a wizened old woman of 103. You taught me what it was to truly love, and although you could only stay such a short time, you made me a better person and my world a better place. I'm so glad to have known you.

OP posts:
lavandes · 21/10/2011 07:42

Yes Jane we are all Oscar winning actresses xx

shabbapinkfrog · 21/10/2011 09:00

Oh shite poo I have just been invited to Lew's nursery Harvest Festival service at 11am this morning.....YES at that nursery. Cant explain to my DDIL how nervous and upset that makes me feel.......Im not very sociable nowadays. better go and try to make myself look half decent!!

Mylittlebubble · 21/10/2011 09:43

Lavandes such an accurate poem. If only it was that easy to share with family and friends.

Shabbs sending you hugs and lovely positive thoughts for today.

Joseph left us 6 weeks ago, still cannot quite believe it all.

Did anyone else get churning in their stomach all the time? Can only describe it as an anticipation feeling IYKWIM. I am assuming it is a physical grieving thing. I get it all the time even when I am not thinking about Joseph. Not sure whether to go to the doctors or not.

lavandes · 21/10/2011 09:45

Oh shabs just go and come away if you get upset. You don't have to explain. You do so much for others and sometimes you must look after you. We will all be with you holding your hand xx

shabbapinkfrog · 21/10/2011 09:54

Thanks Lavendes....I have faced much worse than this and its only for half an hour. Its the anticipation thats worse I reckon.

Bubble symptoms I got (and still get) of grief were a constant butterlies in the stomach feeling, sighing constantly, rubbing my chin on my own shoulder (GP said that is self comforting), over eating to the extreme that I would be sick, wanting to sleep all day and night, and not wanting to go out of the house at all.

Bereavement is a powerful thing xxx

Mylittlebubble · 21/10/2011 10:09

Shabbs it certainly is. This experience has truely changed me as a person in every way.

Whatevertheweather · 21/10/2011 10:10

Bubble yes I have the feeling you describe. I feel very anxious a lot of time. I think I'm going to speak with a bereavement counsellor. I've been kidding myself I'm doing okay but I'm not. Have you spoken to anyone?

Shabs. Lew will get you through it xx

Mylittlebubble · 21/10/2011 10:38

WTW sometimes I think I feel like I am doing OK and even surprise myself with how OK I feel. Then it will hit me a day or 2 after and I have sad days.
Unfortunately I have 2 friends who have been through this awful experience so I have spoken to them alot. I contacted Sands this week and had a long chat with a befriender last night. We are going to a group meeting next week and meeting up with a couple of befrienders in a couple of weeks.

Have you arranged to speak to a councellor? did you do through your doctor?

Erin and Joseph were born close together, I hope they are together supporting each other on their journey as I hope we will support one an other xxx

Everlong · 21/10/2011 10:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shabbapinkfrog · 21/10/2011 12:13

I'm home and it was fine!!! Must confess to getting a bit overwhelmed with the amount of parents who were in Dan and Matts classes at nursery and primary school, who were with their children at the nursery Shock See, Matt, is frozen in time at 7 years old and there they all were - 27 years old, with their children!!

Whatevertheweather · 21/10/2011 13:05

Bubble that's exactly it - you think you're doing okay then it just slams you again and the despair comes right back Sad Our funeral co-ordinator has given me the number for the local lady from Cruse bereavement. I wasn't going to call but I spoke to work the other day and it threw me in to such a state of panic the thought of taking back the responsibility of my job on top of all this. Made me realise I might need some help getting my head straight before I go back.

We are at the very beginning of a long road I think Bubble.

I've just been to Erin's garden and told her to look out for Joseph. I hope they find each other x

chipmonkey · 21/10/2011 13:07

My aunt and cousin wrote me lovely letters. My aunt lost her son aged 21 in a motorbike accident and her other son aged five during a heart operation. She wrote that you never get over it but that it did get easier to bear over the years.
My cousin who is my aunt's daughter and the boys' sister wrote a lovely letter as well.

Oh, the Sky box just turned itself off! It never used to do that but has done in the last couple of days. Maybe Sylvie-Rose is not such a fan of Baby Looney Tunes as her big brother!

hazygirl · 21/10/2011 14:16

caz ,your son is so beautiful, i could squeeze him, give him a big hug from mexx.
shabs ,all the girls events at school make me blub nowadays,everything is so special.
im ready to tell you im off to be a grandma again my youngest dd is expecting again , so in may there will be patter of tiny feet, we didnt expect more as she has a heart shaped womb and had a horrific retained placenta after dd1 and haemorraged so bad and rushed to hdu , and had bleed so much two weeks ago midwife thought she had lost the baby ,but they found a heart beat, jayden doing his magic, bless him.
i told my manager i was gonna be granny again , and guess what she said ,lets hope its a grand son this time , actualy i dont mindwhat it is as long as its healthy, and i do have a grandson ,just cos i cant physically hold him dont mean i havent got one.
yes she said but after all them girls , all five granddaughters are wonderful even when stroppyx

shabbapinkfrog · 21/10/2011 15:08

Awww Hazy congratulations - and, yes, you are right about not minding at all wether its a pink or a blue one. I thought thats what your DD was talking about on Facebook - about being an Auntie again. She sounded really excited.

chipmonkey · 21/10/2011 15:25

congratulations, hazy!

janedoe25 · 21/10/2011 17:23

congratulations to you and your family hazy.

shabs I think you are being so brave going to the nursery service. Well done on getting through it ok x

shabbapinkfrog · 22/10/2011 07:24

Morning girls xx

Original poster
DawnOfTheDeementedDead · 22/10/2011 07:29

Morning Shabbs Smile

We're the house of Ill at the moment. DD has had a cold, and has thoughtfully passed it to DS3, he's got a raging tempreture and lots of snozzles. DS2 and myself are now sneezing as well. Got a feeling this is going to be a fun half term...

What you all up to today? I'm painting again. But no up ladders for me this time!

OP posts:
shabbapinkfrog · 22/10/2011 07:55

Sounds wonderful Dee Hmm

Not up to much today....attempting to make a tenner last till we get our money on Thursday - thats about it really LOL xx

fluffythevampirestabber · 22/10/2011 08:21

I have a sore ear. It's cold and the live n deadly roadshow with the lovely steve has been cancelled.

All in all a fun weekend in prospect Hmm

I may have to get The Upgrade up to relieve the boredom

CheeseandGherkins · 22/10/2011 09:06

Morning.

dee hope you're all better soon. How much painting do you have left?

fluffy dh taking ds1 to his football match this morning, not much else on as yet

Waves at Shabs

Original poster
DawnOfTheDeementedDead · 22/10/2011 09:14

I have two and a half walls, plus it needs another coat - and that's just in my room. Then we're going to dismantle the bunkbeds, move DS2 into DD's room on a matress on the floor and then paint that room too. Joy! Ever wish you'd never started something???

OP posts:
gingegirl · 22/10/2011 09:33

Morning ladies haven't posted for ages now!! Been having an horrendous time!! Missing Oliver so much!! Can't seem to kick my butt in gear at the moment!! Don't want to do anything other than sleep, that's the only time I can forget he has gone!!! My daughter is also starting to struggle really badly!! She doesn't want to go to school, go out to play, she's crying all night and just so angry all the time!! Don't know what to do!! My husband is also having a rough time at work the stress is really getting to him which causes us to argue!! Can't believe it's almost 6 months since he past now!! A quarter of his little life!
Is this ever gonna get easier??

CheeseandGherkins · 22/10/2011 11:11

I know what you mean dee but it will be so worth it when you finish and you'll be glad you did it! [hgrin]

Morning ginge, it's been nearly a year for us and I think it's not getting easier as much as just different. It feels different now to when she first died, it's different stages. I don't think it ever really goes away. (hugs) Poor dd :(

shabbapinkfrog · 22/10/2011 11:57

Ginge - with time it changes....kind of the edges soften a little. Older grief can still bite your bum very hard though.