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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

'The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears' - bereaved parents thread.

993 replies

DawnOfTheDeementedDead · 16/10/2011 14:44

'PLEASE SAY THEIR NAMES'

The time of concern is over. No longer are we asked how we're doing. Never are the names of our children mentioned to us. A curtain descends. The moment has passed. Life's slip from frequent recall. There are exceptions: close and compassionate friends, sensitive and loving family. Still look. Still ask. Still listen. Thank God for them. For most, the drama is over. The spotlight is off. Applause is silent.

But for us the play will never end. The effects on us are timeless. What can be said, you ask? Please say "their names" to us. Love does not die. Their names are written on our lives. You may feel that they are dead. We feel that they are of the dead and still they live. They ghost-walk our souls, beckoning in future welcome. You say, "They were our children"; we say "They are". Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again. It hurts to bury their memory in silence. What they were in flesh is no longer with us. What they are in spirit stays within us always. They were of our past but they are part of our now. They are our hope for the future. Please understand we cannot forget. We would not if we could.

We know that you cannot know, yesterday we were like you. Understand that we dwell in both flesh and spirit. We do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent is steep and the burden heavy. We walk it not by choice. We would rather walk it with them in the flesh, looking not to spirit worlds beyond. We are what we have to be. What we have lost, you cannot feel. What we have gained you may not see. Please say " their names" for they are alive. We will meet them again, although in many ways we've never parted. Their spirits play light songs, appear in sunrises and sunsets. They are real and shadow, they were and they are.

Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again.
They are our children and we love them as we always did.
More each day.

'PLEASE, SAY THEIR NAMES'

In memory of my darling forever-baby Ciaran. I loved you from the moment i saw those two pink lines, and i'll love you til i draw my last breath as a wizened old woman of 103. You taught me what it was to truly love, and although you could only stay such a short time, you made me a better person and my world a better place. I'm so glad to have known you.

OP posts:
Whatevertheweather · 02/12/2011 18:24

Oh meant to say I did open mine. Couldn't wait Blush

CheeseandGherkins · 02/12/2011 18:28

Thank you all. Had an ok day so far. We tried to set off a lantern this evening but it was quite a disaster and nearly set dh on fire! We gave up as it was too windy and it wouldn't fly properly, we'll try another one another evening when it's hopefully not as windy.

Feeling strangely ok, I expected to feel worse today, I felt worse a couple of days ago. Have to see how the next couple of days go too. We've ordered some flowers to take to Scarlett on Tuesday which we're picking up on Monday. Some single roses and a rose sheaf, my parents and inlaws have also ordered some.

We went to see Scarlett today and put some Christmas decorations there for her along with a little tree, it looks nice. Bought a dragonfly stamp for the Christmas cards and one with some stars on so I'll be using those for her this year.

TW I'll light a candle for Harry today, thinking of you also xx

chipmonkey · 02/12/2011 19:16

I put a little tree on Sylvie-Rose's grave today but have as yet to decorate it. I put a little decoration on, a nativity scene with a candle behind it to light it but couldn't light the candle in the wind and rain. I will try again on Sunday.

Glad the day wasn't too bad, Cheese

travelling wow, 10 years! to you. I am really struggling with the idea that this pain is ongoing and that I am stuck with it till the day I die. Sad But when I look at my aunt and people like you and shabs, I know I can do it, I just don't really want to.

travellingwilbury · 02/12/2011 19:53

It is a weird thing chip , day to day I am ok , I enjoy my life on the whole and find pleasure in things but sometimes it kicks me in the arse and puts me right back to the beginning and this is the weird bit , I wouldn't want to have it any other way . I still want to feel this pain , I want it to feel real .

CazBX · 02/12/2011 19:53

Thanks for the link girls.

Our little gift is a funky handmade little bib! So cute and covered in multicoloured polka dots, which of course are my favourite! (If anyone has seen my pram they'll see what I mean!) Isn't the kindness of strangers wonderful!

I bought Belle's tree and decorations yesterday. We're going to go up Sunday and make it all pretty for December. I feel quite awful I didn't make it up there on the first, but everything is so much harder to do with X. I can't do it on my own. I need DH there to look after X while I give Belle my full attention.

wtw got the stamp from here - I'm hoping it will arrive Monday so I'll be able to tell you the quality. For £30 it better be pretty good!!

Everlong · 02/12/2011 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chipmonkey · 02/12/2011 21:04

Caz, as far as I could see, we were the only ones with decorations of any kind on the grave and Sylvie-Rose sadly is one of many babies buried there.

Ds4 said a lovely thing last night. He said "Sylvie-Rose is an angel in the sky but sometimes she twinkles down and turns into a butterfly"

There is a chance he's confusing her with The Very Hungry Caterpillar but it sounded sweet!

chipmonkey · 02/12/2011 21:14

Another poor lady needs us here Sad

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 03/12/2011 01:17

Cheese and Wilbury, both of you amaze me with your courage and calmness today.

Like Chip, I am looking at all the pain ahead. I know in theory I have to get through it, and I guess I will, but I really don't want to. I want to fight it, ignore it, change it. Definitely change it.

Love all the Christmas thoughts for the babies. We don't have anywhere to go and focus on Mia (yet) and not sure how I feel about that.

frasersmummy · 03/12/2011 08:26

10 years tw... how that hell did that happen eh...it will be 8 for us in April .. I think the weirdest thing for me is that people dont see a grieving mum anymore

they see someone who has gone thru a terrible tragedy and come out the other side and is still living with the effects day to day

I guess what I am trying to say is ...you go from someone everyone pitys to being someone everyone thinks is amazing for having "coped so well"

Please girls those of you who are just starting out on this journey please dont torture yourslef with what it will be like years down the line. One day at a time ... or one hour at time if that is too much

each day you will get a little further down this shitty road and one day you will be able to plan for the future with a smile. It takes a long long tiime though, it doesnt happen easily or quickly but it will happen. You wont feel this terrible raw hurt forever.. though it will come back and hit you from time to time

Whatevertheweather · 03/12/2011 08:48

Morning everyone!

Wise words FM thank you.

We're dogsitting for the weekend. K is beside herself with excitement. Raincoats and wellies out and we're off for a blustery walk at the beach. Am hoping it'll be good for the soul Smile

shabbapinkfrog · 03/12/2011 08:53

Morning girls xx

TW was thinking about you yesterday. Hope you are doing OK. The years seem to go so slowly and then suddenly you turn around and wonder where they went. xxxxx

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 03/12/2011 09:32

Swede rolling. That's our day today. My DH has been invited to join in this quirky annual village event... It's so weird that our loss of Mia has brought us into contact with the village so much more. People are being very kind - lots of people, including Mia's nursery (where she went for only 2 weeks) are trying to help us find land for Mia's Wood. Others have offered their skills in planting trees, one kind lady even offered a food rota. Amazing how one little sparkly life can do this.

Whatevertheweather · 03/12/2011 10:11

Swede rolling Miasmummy? ConfusedGrin

frasersmummy · 03/12/2011 10:40

are the swedes flying in for the even ??Grin

I would stick with suedes.. like lessly to sue .. have a good one

CheeseandGherkins · 03/12/2011 16:43

Sitting waiting for our takeaway to arrive at the moment after lots more shopping today, we've been keeping busy and I feel quite ok so far! It's odd.
I was nominated for the secret too and was really chuffed and emotional about it, gift arrived today with a lovely card and I'm over the moon. Was a voucher from accessorize which will be very useful and just the right time. In awe of the people here at times.

chip ours were the first up too, I think there will be more soon though as I'm sure there was last year.

caz that sounds really lovely :)

fm 8 years, seems like so long but then so does a year for me and I can't believe that has gone already now.

Mia swede rolling??

frasersmummy · 03/12/2011 17:02

och god mum is slipping back again ...they dont rate her chances..

but then we have been told at least twice this year she only has a matter of hours .. and she is still with us

I am supposed to be going on a family outing to the ice hockey tonight.. I really want to stay here and feel sorry for myself

but its not fair on ross is it... he needs his mummy to be a mummy and to help him feel loved and happy.. so guess i better go
why is life so shit

chipmonkey · 03/12/2011 17:04

Went on a Bereavement information day today. It was very hard but I'm glad we did it. It was good to meet the other parents who had lost children although I hate that we have to, IYKWIM.

shabbapinkfrog · 03/12/2011 17:46

Oh FM I really, really feel for you. Its so hard to know what to do for the best isin't it? Sending my love and thoughts to you and yours xx

Whatevertheweather · 03/12/2011 19:19

Oh FM I'm sorry your mum has taken a turn again. Thinking of you all.

Chip that sounds interesting. What was it like? I know what you mean though. I met up for a coffee with one of the ladies I met at the sands group. As we were leaving we both said how nice it had been then both said at the same time 'but i wish we hadn't had to meet'

Well it's official day 2 of dogsitting and I'm in love Grin Would it be very wrong to tell my dbro he's not having her back?!

aziraphale · 03/12/2011 19:42

Good evening ladies. Just wanted to check in - I have been away but have been thinking of you all. cheese you have been in my thoughts. Great big hugs from the Az family to everyone. xx

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 03/12/2011 21:00

FM, I am also thinking of you. You sound like you have a huge amount of love and courage, being a mum to Ross, while you are worried about your own mum. Hoping all is ok for her.

Chip, also interested in your bereavement counselling. I haven't approached anyone yet, but organisations suggested to me have been The Compassionate Friends and Child Bereavement Charity, both of which are local. Am also thinking of CRY (Cardiac Risk in the Young), mainly because they might be able to help us understand more about what happened to Mia.

Swede rolling today... no, it didn't involve gorgeous blonde Scandinavians as my DH optimistically hoped! But it was a lot of fun as we met a lot of friendly people as we rolled swedes through the village, stopped for a toddy, and froze to bits. I was a bit worried about people asking us whether we had children, as I knew I would talk about Mia. As it happened, an older acquaintance did ask us how we were faring, and from his question, we knew that he had been told about Mia, so we could be honest. He then told us, with a quiet tear trickling, how he had lost a daughter at 18 from asthma. So much sadness buried in so many people.

lavandes · 03/12/2011 23:18

Hi ladies xx

Sorry I have been absent. Grandsons are here, keeping us busy, they are such a joy to us. I am so thankful for them.xx Love to you all xx

shabbapinkfrog · 04/12/2011 09:10

Morning girls xx

frasersmummy · 04/12/2011 17:43

right 10.30 last night at hospital.... chances of survival not good.. Dad stayed the night

This morning she is as bright as a button

3pm today she is seriously ill again

On the plus side .. my boy won the team fighting with his wee pal today at the inter club championship ..

I am trying to balance happiness for him and stress of mum telling me she doesnt want to live and throwing her oxygen mask off every so often...

i dont know which way is up