'The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears' - bereaved parents thread.

[DawnOfTheDeementedDead]

'PLEASE SAY THEIR NAMES'

The time of concern is over. No longer are we asked how we're doing. Never are the names of our children mentioned to us. A curtain descends. The moment has passed. Life's slip from frequent recall. There are exceptions: close and compassionate friends, sensitive and loving family. Still look. Still ask. Still listen. Thank God for them. For most, the drama is over. The spotlight is off. Applause is silent.

But for us the play will never end. The effects on us are timeless. What can be said, you ask? Please say "their names" to us. Love does not die. Their names are written on our lives. You may feel that they are dead. We feel that they are of the dead and still they live. They ghost-walk our souls, beckoning in future welcome. You say, "They were our children"; we say "They are". Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again. It hurts to bury their memory in silence. What they were in flesh is no longer with us. What they are in spirit stays within us always. They were of our past but they are part of our now. They are our hope for the future. Please understand we cannot forget. We would not if we could.

We know that you cannot know, yesterday we were like you. Understand that we dwell in both flesh and spirit. We do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent is steep and the burden heavy. We walk it not by choice. We would rather walk it with them in the flesh, looking not to spirit worlds beyond. We are what we have to be. What we have lost, you cannot feel. What we have gained you may not see. Please say " their names" for they are alive. We will meet them again, although in many ways we've never parted. Their spirits play light songs, appear in sunrises and sunsets. They are real and shadow, they were and they are.

Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again.
They are our children and we love them as we always did.
More each day.

'PLEASE, SAY THEIR NAMES'

In memory of my darling forever-baby Ciaran. I loved you from the moment i saw those two pink lines, and i'll love you til i draw my last breath as a wizened old woman of 103. You taught me what it was to truly love, and although you could only stay such a short time, you made me a better person and my world a better place. I'm so glad to have known you.

I came home from hospital 6 hours after Jacob died, we were sat on the step in the back garden, it was getting on for midnight and in the trees behind the house was a White owl, we live in a realy built up area and have never seen an owl before.

I like to think it had something to do with Jacob . We haven't seen one since, it was there for a good half an hour

Oh Cheese (cwtches)

When we found out that Ciaran was likely to die, i started knitting him a blanket. Now, i'm not the worlds best knitter by any means, there's often more holes then there is wool, but i tried. My mum knit some of it as well as my then best friend, we all did bits of it so he could feel surrounded by our love. Anyway, after he died, we wrapped him in it and he was buried with it. I completely forgot about it until a couple of years ago, i mean seriously did not remember that i'd ever knit it. It was only a random comment from someone that triggered the memory of it. How could i not have remembered such an important thing? I honestly don't know, but i think it could be that our memories kind of shut down a little in a way of protecting us from even more hurt and pain. Does that make sense? It's the only eplaination that i can think of.

As for signs, well for me it's Robins. My boys were born in Worcester, and we lived in Swansea and we decided that we didn't want Ciaran coming back to Swansea until we could all come back together, so on the day that they transferred Brennan back to NICU in Swansea, we aranged for the funeral directors to come and pick Ciaran up too, so we could all go home together as it were. As i was leaving the hospital with my dad i stepped outside and the first thing i saw was a robin on the bonnet of my dads car. On the day we buried Ciaran, there was a robin right by his graveside. When we moved into a new house a few months later, there was a robin who lived in or garden. It seemed like most every time that we went to his grave, there was a robin there. When my DH died, the day after i went to Ciarans grave and there were two robins there. Then the day we buried my mum, there were two robins at her graveside. It seems that whenever i'm down and need comfort, i always see a robin. And it does comfort me.

Morning girls xx

For me it is butterflies.

Until recently I could never remember the date that Gareth died.....never, ever.

The shock to the system when a child dies must be all consuming and overwhelming. Please, none of you, blame yourself for little things that you may or may not have done. Can you imagine the amount of damage to our hearts, minds and souls??? Especially when 'it' happens? The human body must be a very powerful thing to cope with that grief. xx

Morning all. Our sign is a Heron. They have always been my favorite bird. After Jacob died, my dh went out to the back of the hospital and saw a heron flying straight towards him. It came quite low then turned slightly and flew towards the sunset. He rushed back in to tell me as I was still cuddling Jacob. We have seen 3 since then and my dh got one tattooed on his arm as a permanent reminder.

Morning all.

Such beautiful stories shared.

Cheese - oh, poor you with those thoughts. Perhaps it might be good to think that you did touch Scarlett in that you carried her within you? (if not, please ignore me!!!) She knew your heartbeat, and she would have felt your love, as she does even now.

Morning all.

Butterflies and White Feathers for me. I seem to see White feathers everywhere and in the most random of places. When K let off the dove at Erin's funeral one perfect feather stayed in her hand. Dp's had it mounted in a Perspex block so it never gets lost x

Morning girls. X

when I went to the All Souls service, our vicar blessed Sterre's grave. While I stood there crying, the churchwarden came over to me and said look, there is a white feather right there, she is watching over you. I have seen white feathers around in different places and always think of her then.

Just been to Erin's grave and was talking to her and crying and a lady who was there tending to her husbands grave came over and gave me a hug. The kindness of strangers is wonderful things isn't it?

Evening. Today has been a better day, had clinic again this morning and all went well. Ds1 is off school with a d&v bug, poor thing, so I've been with him the rest of the day.

chip I was definitely scared then. I remember feeling such disbelief for ages.

Moomin That's beautiful, a white owl, I'm sure it was your Jacob xx

Dee I wish I'd have done something like that, only just recently taken up knitting again and I'm useless tbh. Sounds so lovely that you buried him in the blanet, really lovely. That does make sense, you think you'll remember everything though. I couldn't believe I could have forgotten something but it does seem to be normal.

shabs you're so right but it's nice to hear it from someone though. I look back to a year ago (almost now) and wonder how I did it. I imagine that if I had to go back and do it again that I'd just fall apart as it makes no sense to me how I ever held it together. I guess at the time you do what you have to do.

tallu my dh is going to get a tattoo for Scarlett as am I, I'd like a dragonfly now. I can't yet because of being pregnant and he can't because he's too ill and isn't allowed but, all being well, sometime next year. I think it's a lovely thing to do.

Mia I think that's the thing that keeps me going, that I had her inside me at least and so touched her in that way. Thank you, it's definitely a helpful way to think of it :)

whatever The feather at the funeral must have meant so much (hugs) Kindness from people really overwhelms me, I find it difficult to deal with as I worry abot crying. I don't know why I just do. I've been close when we've been out and at hostpital a few times but try desperately to hold the tears back. That's really lovely of that lady x

blue it's so comforting to know they are still with us and watching us isn't it xx

It's so reassuring to hear that there are others who have gaps in their memories, or 'mis-remember' - I sometimes wonder about my sanity!

I'm struggling to keep quiet about that other thread - it sounds suspiciously like the condition DS2 was diagnosed with antenatally. I hate the assumptions that no-one in their right mind would continue (he's doing his GCSEs this year!) It also drives home the fact that most people have no idea what life can throw at them, do they? Well done to everyone from here who has posted :)

Much love to all of you, especially with anniversaries coming around xx

Oh girls I cant wait to see the end of this God forsaken year. Just found out that a dear friend has died today.....he was almost 50 and found out he had lung cancer about 3 months ago. He played football for my husbands Sunday league team. He had a dry sense of humour and spoke his mind.

Our neighbours went to Australia and they brought my sons gifts back. Matt was excited that he got a boomerang. He spent all one Sunday throwing the boomerang at the football team After it had hit our friend, Danny, about 6 times he picked up the boomerang, went over to Matt and said 'If this **ing thing hits me one more time I will wrap it around your neck.' There was an awkward pause and then my Matt started to laugh (he was only 7 years old), he laughed and laughed till he cried. Danny started to laugh as well....as he walked away Matt threw it again and it hit him again!!!

I hope Matt and Gareth are stood at the 'pearly gates' waiting for Danny....and I really, really hope they have both got boomerangs.

Dont R.I.P Danny - dance, sing, laugh, get drunk and most of all, take care till we all meet again. xxxx

Oh lovely Shabs xx

You can join me in a 'fuck off 2011 party' there will be and 2011 is going to get it's butt kicked xx

Shabs so sorry to hear about Danny.

But do you know what? I can't think 2011 was such a crap year because, while I lost Sylvie-Rose, I also had Sylvie-Rose. I conceived her, had her and lost her, all in 2011. It was the year of Sylvie-Rose and while I hate that I have lost her, I just can't be sorry I had her.

'oh' Shabs I am having so many mixed feelings about going to OZ for Christmas. I am going to meet
Grandson for first time but I am leaving grandson and stepgrandson for first time at christmas.I think the only person really bothered about this is me and I must deal with it xx

Lavendes and Chip I totally understand...totally, totally understand.

Its all been a bit too much this year.....it seems to have lasted 20 years and I have gone between bad and worse. On the 28 th December my adorable twin boys will be 30. My 'survivor' has become an amazing Daddy and partner. My Gareth seems to have been away from me for at least 200 years.

Lavendes....could I ask a massive favour? Could you bring me a boomerang back? I sound like Rolf Harris!!! Please dont spend a lot of money on it...and please can you parcel it up so I know its a boomerang...I will send you the postage and the cost of it. I just need to have a boomerang for Matt xxxxx

Oh please don't get me wrong I would never ever wish I hadn't had Erin and the short precious time we had with her. Its just that this year has been the worst year of my life, too many deaths, money troubles and health issues in my family. And for that I can't wait to see the back of it.

Sorry just ignore me. Im talking rubbish as I've had a few drinks. Today (yesterday now) was 3 months exactly since Erin was born and died. Been a hard day.

I know what you mean love....I truly know what you mean. I have also had too much to drink. Tomorrow is another day. Meet you behind the bike sheds early in the morning girls....no chewing gum, ties done up properly and skirts not too short. I thank you.

Oh yes and Lavendes....you will know what I mean....make sure you have your navy blue knickers on.

xxx

Oh blast it, Whatever I didn't think for a minute that you would have regretted having Erin! > I only meant that I found the whole thing conflicted in my own screwed up way. In that losing her was the worst thing that could ever have happened but if I had to choose between never having had her and having her and losing her, I'd choose the latter.
If that makes any sense.

I don't know if I want this year to disappear or not. It is our year of Mia, as she was 3 months old when it began, and we had so many adventures together. I have been so happy, learning to be her mummy. Once the year is gone, then I am scared that the closeness disappear and new memories start to accumulate and crowd out our beautiful Mia stories. I am writing down everything I can recall about her, from our daily routines, to little silly things she did, to how she looked and felt. We have asked family and friends to contribute too. I don't want to ever forget a single thing.

Shabba, I don't think I can cope with 30 years' of pain and missing my red-headed, noisy little girl. I don't know how you have survived, but I admire you for it. Your year has been tough, but your resilience and strength is just amazing.

Btw, i may end up in Oz too after Christmas, if I think I can face meeting family and friends there after a happy Christmas last year, proudly introducing them to Mia. I'd be honoured to buy you a boomerang too if I go.

Morning girls xx

Yep, anbody of my age had to wear navy blue school knickers...they were disgusting

Well I am sat here in the living room with the curtains closed so it is still fairly dark in here. The pictures of my boys are on the wall to the side of me. I just said, out loud, 'Its official....I give up.' Talking away to myself!! Glanced to my side and there is Matt with his big grin.

Feel lower than a snakes belly today....will have to pull myself together for when my lad Tom gets up. xx

Ah, Shabbs my lovely, i'm sorry you're feeling so low. But you know what? You can get through this. You've been through the absolute worst, and are still here, and you'll get through this too. We'll all be here to hold your hand as you do. Promise.

It was bottle green knickers here - i went to a very strict Catholic school, and we had to wear bottle green nickers under our skirts. We also had to do P.E. in them, alongside the boys

Mias that is a lovely idea to write everything down. I must do the same. Sylvie-Rose's live was so short that there isn't much to remember.