'The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears' - bereaved parents thread.

[DawnOfTheDeementedDead]

'PLEASE SAY THEIR NAMES'

The time of concern is over. No longer are we asked how we're doing. Never are the names of our children mentioned to us. A curtain descends. The moment has passed. Life's slip from frequent recall. There are exceptions: close and compassionate friends, sensitive and loving family. Still look. Still ask. Still listen. Thank God for them. For most, the drama is over. The spotlight is off. Applause is silent.

But for us the play will never end. The effects on us are timeless. What can be said, you ask? Please say "their names" to us. Love does not die. Their names are written on our lives. You may feel that they are dead. We feel that they are of the dead and still they live. They ghost-walk our souls, beckoning in future welcome. You say, "They were our children"; we say "They are". Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again. It hurts to bury their memory in silence. What they were in flesh is no longer with us. What they are in spirit stays within us always. They were of our past but they are part of our now. They are our hope for the future. Please understand we cannot forget. We would not if we could.

We know that you cannot know, yesterday we were like you. Understand that we dwell in both flesh and spirit. We do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent is steep and the burden heavy. We walk it not by choice. We would rather walk it with them in the flesh, looking not to spirit worlds beyond. We are what we have to be. What we have lost, you cannot feel. What we have gained you may not see. Please say " their names" for they are alive. We will meet them again, although in many ways we've never parted. Their spirits play light songs, appear in sunrises and sunsets. They are real and shadow, they were and they are.

Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again.
They are our children and we love them as we always did.
More each day.

'PLEASE, SAY THEIR NAMES'

In memory of my darling forever-baby Ciaran. I loved you from the moment i saw those two pink lines, and i'll love you til i draw my last breath as a wizened old woman of 103. You taught me what it was to truly love, and although you could only stay such a short time, you made me a better person and my world a better place. I'm so glad to have known you.

Mia that is very comforting! :)

Good luck to Mr Blue - hope everything goes really, really well.

Mia - how special are those dreams? xx Thats wonderful xx

:( he failed :( only one more attempt left for him to continue being a driving instructor... pfff

Mia, I love those dreams. I had one about Sylvie-Rose two nights ago. She had grown a little. She seemed to be having trouble moving a leg and I asked her if it felt funny and she said "yeah"! She did have one clicky hip but I would have thought they'd have sorted it in Heaven!

Sorry Blue, meant to say sorry about Mr Blue's test. I'm sure he will get it the next time. It took me four times to get my test just to drive myself, never mind teaching anyone else! But that fourth time was nice!

I was getting my hair done this morning, the first time since Sylvie-Rose was born back in August ( yes, I looked a fright!) and the poor hairdresser asked me if I was looking forward to Christmas. Wrong question. I talked about the boys and not being organised etc. and then sat there and thought, "It's like Sylvie-Rose didn't exist and didn't deserve a mention" So then I said "Actually, Christmas is going to be crap because I had a little girl and she died" Cue me crying and the hairdresser hugging me! She wasn't even a regular hairdresser that knew me! So to sum up, I couldn't leave Sylvie-Rose out of the conversation but putting her into it just upset both of us! So hard to know what do do or say.

You're right chip. I feel guilty every time I have a conversation with someone and don't mention Jacob, even if we are talking about something unrelated! I just want to talk about him all the time but I am afraid of peoples reaction, they may be bored of hearing about him.

I'm sure that no-one will be bored... sad, yes. But emoting all the time is exhausting too.

Do you find that well-meaning friends call / visit, and just want to feel sad and sorry for you and your baby? Which is wonderfully empathetic, but also tricky if you are in your one good moment of the day, and then you find yourself crying again.

Blue, very sorry to hear about Mr Blue's test. But exciting about the house move.

Chip, loved your dream about Sylvie-Rose. Mine wasn't that specific, but yes, agree that clicky hips should definitely be sorted!

Having so many wobbly moments again.

Today I cried in Asda, a children's pair of pj's reduced me to tears. They were disney's beauty and the beast ones and have 'beautiful belle' embroidered on the top.

I don't know whether it was seeing her name or imagining a world where she was here and we could've made a big deal of buying special pjs with her name on...

Rawness bites you on the bum when you least expect it. I thought my crying days in supermarkets were behind me, but apparently not.

When did beauty and the beast make a comeback? that was a new film when I was a child.

Is this a build up to christmas wobble? we are attending our first christmas get together this weekend, looking forward (unexpected feeling), so much is different this christmas but there's so much more that is exactly the same. put off buying cards again today, just dont know if I have it in to write them without her name. I couldnt do it last year either. but there is a big part of me feeling I need to make christmas 'normal' again for Xander. how do I do a christmas that includes my feelings and being a good mummy to them both?

Sweetheart put her name on the cards...I dont send very many but every one I send has all my childrens names on. If people think that is weird (and my MIL used to tell me it was weird) then tell them to fook off stop being horrible. I haven't even been shopping for anything for Christmas. Am going to do as much online as possible. I personally wouldnt be able to resist buying those Pyjamas....maybe get them, wrap them and find some organisation that is collecting presents for needy children? Im sure the Salvation Army would welcome them with open arms. That way you would be bringing a little joy to someone in Belle's memory. She will be at your house for Christmas my friend..she will be watching over you all, with a smile on her face. She will hold you close and be so proud of her Mummy, Daddy and baby brother.

Christmas is so hard when there is a child missing....so difficult. I have found that you have to be kind to yourselves. It wont stop the tears and the longing but it is just another day - its over hyped and makes sadness worse.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Miasmummy and Chip those dreams sound so comforting. I hope you can hold on to them. I hate when good dreams slip away.

Blue sorry to hear about dh I failed my driving test 3 times before passing (once as I pulled put of the test centre ) I think driving instructors must have incredible patience

Tallulah I worry too about people getting bored of hearing about Erin but feel guilty when I just talk about K. It's all so conflicting.

A friend is having a hard time with her 7yr old ds and started to tell me today then stopped and said 'of course it pales into insignificance compared to what you're going through'. But I wanted to listen to her and reassure her that it was okay for other people to talk about their problems. Because it is I don't want people walking on eggshells around me.

Been back to the hospital today to meet the obstetric consultant. They have still not been able to classify Erin's tumour and have been speaking with a paed oncologist in America. There is no other known case like it They have referred me for an urgent MRI to check my lymph nodes and some other things not sure I really understood it all to be honest. It was the consultant who did my scan the night I went in and that did the section. She was lovely. She told me she and her assistant stitched me up with tears running down their faces but determined to do a neat job. That made me cry.

Oh Caz just because you sound like you need them. Christmas is so very emotive isn't it. As always Shabs advice is spot on xx

Caz I saw a lovely cute little santa suit that I know I would have bought for Jacob had he been here. It makes me so sad to think he will never have a visit from santa. I have bought a tiny stocking to hang on the rose bush on his grave though.

When writing a card for SIL's new baby, I put all our names and then "and the angel Sylvie-Rose" in brackets.

In Ireland it's traditional not to send Christmas cards if you have been bereaved that year so this year I won't have to think about it. I only realised that the year my Dad died and I sent cards and my Mum told me it was Not The Done Thing.

I think from now on, I will put "from chip, dh and family"

Caz, I think when you get an unexpected reminder, you get a jolt. I was watching TV one day with ds4 and there was a show, "Madeleine", I think and one of the characters is called Sylvie. I hadn't noticed before. I think shabs is right, buy the jammies anyways and send them to some little girl who might not otherwise get such nice things. I will do the same for Sylvie-Rose.

Hello all, I'm glad and sad to have found you, the run up to Christmas is awful, as long as the girls are sorted everyone else will understand that the will to buy is not here this year.
I'm also in Ireland up North and the tradition is to not send cards or put up decorations. Not sending cards suits as I don't have the will to write them, especially when its the only contact all year. Will put up decorations/tree for the girls to try and keep things normal, they have been through enough. We're reading Enid Blyton's faraway tree books and dd2 said that if the land of take what you want came to the top of the faraway tree she would get us another baby like Megan. I could hardly keep it together.
Necrotising enterocolitis can happen very fast and stomach swelling can be a sign. We did get our PM results after about 4 months, I got my doctor to enquire from Megan's consultant and had an appointment to see him the next week, I think the results were back and they were waiting for us to get in contact as it showed that we were ready to hear them. We got the full PM report a lot of it was double dutch. Our worst fear was that medically something had been missed but thankfully that was 100% ruled out.

Noone mentions Jacob, thinking about it apart from dp noone has ever bought him up, my mum has never even said his name to me. Even when I mention him people don't respond.

I think the boys would be very upset if I didn't put up decorations, sad10 so I will be doing that too. I had been thinking of cheating with the Christmas dinner and buying the lot from M+S but actually, I think making the whole thing from scratch will at least keep me busy.
I think I will buy a pink toddler's cutlery set and put them in the centre of the table so Sylvie-Rose will feel included.
May be heading up your way to do some Christmas shopping though, sad10 as our goverment are putting VAT up 2%, the grinches!

Moomins, only one or two people use Sylvie-Rose's name and I so appreciate it when they do!

Mind you, since she was born and when she died, I realised that she would have been plagued by people getting her name wrong. Loads of cards with Sylvia Rose, Silvie Rose, Slyvie-Rose or just leaving off the Rose altogether. I will always think that she had the most beautiful name in the world but am a bit that so many couldn't get it right.

sad I love those books...yes, if only we could have a faraway tree.

To all of you who nobody mentions your childrens names. Keep mentioning them on here - I love to say the words Gareth and Matthew...I took ages choosing them and I love old fashioned names...my other two sons are Daniel and Thomas. When I see them written down I smile to myself and remember all the good times and there were many of them.

xxx

You did give her a beautiful name , it must make you feel very sad people get it wrong x

I was thinking the other day, we only got 1 card, it makes me feel so sad

Another little girl here with umpteen variations on the cards. We spell Anabelle with only one 'n' because we wanted the emphasis to be on her short name Belle.

The cutlery set is a lovely idea chip - Belle will have a personalised cracker and a christmas candle on the table like we did last year. The personlised cracker includes a placecard with her name on, a little tealight and an angel charm. She has to have her place at our table.

Blimey its still only November. This is going to be a long old christmas with december to get through, although I expect as last year, this awful long build up will be far worse than emotions on the day. besides this year i cannot cry all day, its X's turn. its all so mixed up :(

I haven't posted here before but " know" lots of you and pop in every now and then to see how you all are. Hope that doesn't sound creepy! I just had to say something as I noticed another Jacob, tallulahpolly so sorry. I always remember moomin's baby Jacob and now another... My Jacob died in August. I just wanted to say.

I'd like to think that even if we whisper our children's names in our hearts, our words will be heard.

Thank you all for your ways to remember at Christmas. I have been resolutely ignoring it, and we are planning to run away somewhere, and there is no way Christmas cards are happening... Nothing to say, is there? But I do like the idea of Mia giving presents to other children.

This time a month ago, we were at the hospital with Mia, thinking she had a chest infection, nothing serious. How wrong we were. Tomorrow is going to be hard.

Sweet Mia, I hope you can hear me.