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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

'The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears' - bereaved parents thread.

993 replies

DawnOfTheDeementedDead · 16/10/2011 14:44

'PLEASE SAY THEIR NAMES'

The time of concern is over. No longer are we asked how we're doing. Never are the names of our children mentioned to us. A curtain descends. The moment has passed. Life's slip from frequent recall. There are exceptions: close and compassionate friends, sensitive and loving family. Still look. Still ask. Still listen. Thank God for them. For most, the drama is over. The spotlight is off. Applause is silent.

But for us the play will never end. The effects on us are timeless. What can be said, you ask? Please say "their names" to us. Love does not die. Their names are written on our lives. You may feel that they are dead. We feel that they are of the dead and still they live. They ghost-walk our souls, beckoning in future welcome. You say, "They were our children"; we say "They are". Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again. It hurts to bury their memory in silence. What they were in flesh is no longer with us. What they are in spirit stays within us always. They were of our past but they are part of our now. They are our hope for the future. Please understand we cannot forget. We would not if we could.

We know that you cannot know, yesterday we were like you. Understand that we dwell in both flesh and spirit. We do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent is steep and the burden heavy. We walk it not by choice. We would rather walk it with them in the flesh, looking not to spirit worlds beyond. We are what we have to be. What we have lost, you cannot feel. What we have gained you may not see. Please say " their names" for they are alive. We will meet them again, although in many ways we've never parted. Their spirits play light songs, appear in sunrises and sunsets. They are real and shadow, they were and they are.

Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again.
They are our children and we love them as we always did.
More each day.

'PLEASE, SAY THEIR NAMES'

In memory of my darling forever-baby Ciaran. I loved you from the moment i saw those two pink lines, and i'll love you til i draw my last breath as a wizened old woman of 103. You taught me what it was to truly love, and although you could only stay such a short time, you made me a better person and my world a better place. I'm so glad to have known you.

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 21/11/2011 22:21

I do think the first year really will be the worst. I am lucky that I have my boys and I know they are looking forward to Christmas but my heart really won't be in it. Life is too cruel, sometimes.

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 21/11/2011 22:28

We are running away from Christmas this year. Somewhere warm, to try and warm our hearts again. Maybe even where Christmas isn't celebrated...

Last year was so happy. Don't even want to face Christmas crowds even for my little nieces and nephew. That is mean though. Maybe I can do it all online.

Whatevertheweather · 21/11/2011 22:33

I'm dreading Christmas this year and I normally love it. I'll do all the right things but don't think my heart will be in it.

I've tried to overcompensate by buying far too much for K. Ah well at least she'll be happy. Am going to get a mini living Christmas tree to plant at Erin's grave and decorate it with a few small ornaments.

chipmonkey · 21/11/2011 22:33

Definitely do it online! No sense in braving the shops when you can do it all in the comfort of your own home with a glass of wine in hand!

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 21/11/2011 22:37

WTW making Christmas perfect for your family, despite your pain, is so generous.

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 21/11/2011 22:38

and meant to say that I will donate on your justgiving site for Erin.

shabbapinkfrog · 22/11/2011 04:46

Morning girls - great 3 hours sleep Hmm wish this bloody cold would go away!!

Our first Christmas after Matty was killed, we went to Tenerife. We could hide away from people if we wanted to but the best part is that nobody knew us!!

Its a very difficult time of year for millions of people. The bereaved, the homeless, the lonely etc etc. Its such hard work. I reckon shop online, dont send cards if you dont want to and be kind to yourselves. I can cope with Xmas now....has taken many years though. I always have a small meltdown at Xmas dinner. There should be 4 sons sat around that table....4 boys with their partners and their children.

............and, dont even get me started on New Years eve!!!!!!

tallulahpolly · 22/11/2011 07:00

I can hardley write for crying but I need to say this. Our first baby,Jacob, died 6 weeks ago. He was 5 days old. Please help me.

deemented · 22/11/2011 07:05

Oh Tallulah, i'm so sorry to hear about Jacob.

Would it help for you to tell us what happened?

Please know that you can say anything here, we will never judge you x

LottieJenkins · 22/11/2011 07:06

Hello ladies. Sorry for my long absence. Its a month today till Jacks 17th birthday.Sad
Tallulah..................I am so sorry about Jacob. Sending you love and hugs. Everyone on here will help you along the journey.

Whatevertheweather · 22/11/2011 07:28

Morning ladies xx

Oh Tallulah - I'm so sorry that you have had to find us here. Do you want to tell us about your little Jacob? Sending big hugs xx

tallulahpolly · 22/11/2011 07:36

Jacob was born by emergency caesarean and I lost 2.5 litres of blood so he was deprived of oxygen for too long. He was 4 weeks early but weighed 7lb 1oz. He was taken to NICU and they did everything they could but he was too damaged inside. None of his organs worked and he was brain damaged. We didn't want him to struggle on needlesly so took all the tubes etc away when he was five days old. He died in our arms.
Thank you for letting me share this. I have been following some of you on the Nov thread and I was so sad for you and now it's my turn. I still can't believe it's true.

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 22/11/2011 07:40

What an impossibly sad situation for you. I am so sorry.

Whatevertheweather · 22/11/2011 07:40

Tallulah that sounds like an awfully hard and very brave decision that you made for Jacob. It sounds like a very scary birth - how are you feeling physically now? How is your dp/dh?

You poor love - far far too many babies lost recently xx

tallulahpolly · 22/11/2011 07:53

I have recovered physically pretty well. My dh is amazing. He has been a tower of strength. He has his wobbly moments but we have grown so close it is unreal. He went back to work yesterday and I got through the day alone. Kept myself busy.
The worst thing is knowing I have the rest of my maternity leave, it feels so pointless but I am no where near ready to go back to work. I can't even walk to the post office without crying because I should have Jacob with me and I havn't.

Whatevertheweather · 22/11/2011 08:03

Everyone's different with regards to returning to work Tallulah. So far I've had 12 weeks off, I will be signed back on to pay roll on 1st December but then be taking the annual leave I'd saved up so physical return to work is scheduled to be 9th Jan. So I will have had just over 4 months off. I have only felt up to sorting this out in the last couple of weeks. I would have had a year had all been as it should have been.

Take your time to do what is right for you. I hope your employers are being understanding.

Glad you and dh are supporting each other. It's such a hard hard time xx

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 22/11/2011 08:07

You both sound amazingly courageous and close. I haven't been alone yet, apart from in the car, (where I cry and talk to Mia) so I really admire you in dealing with your day at home, keeping yourself busy. Think I'd just sit and not move all day.

shabbapinkfrog · 22/11/2011 08:08

Im glad you found us Tallulah - just so sorry that you had to.

So sad to hear about your precious little man. So very sad.

You will find love, support and understanding on this thread.

Two of my four little boys are sadly no longer physically here. Many years have passed since their deaths but the longing to see them again is always present xxxx

tallulahpolly · 22/11/2011 08:14

I only got up to tidy the house because some friends were coming to visit, but they cancelled. Once i was up and about though I decided to make an area in our garden for Jacob. We have a bench my parents bought us two weeks before Jacob was born and it will go next to that.

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 22/11/2011 08:18

Nothing 'only' about that. You got up and did stuff.

tallulahpolly · 22/11/2011 08:50

Thanks Mia and now I must do more stuff today Sad.

shabbapinkfrog · 22/11/2011 09:10

I remember after Matt was killed digging my entire back garden. It was massive and, for whatever reason, I dug up the grass and turned it all over. It took me hours and hours BUT I had to be 'doing something' I battered that spade in and out of the ground and sobbed. I started about 5am and didn't stop till it was too dark to see properly. I had many, many days when I was manic. xx

chipmonkey · 22/11/2011 10:40

tallulah I remember you from the first November thread. So many of us have ended up here.Sad So sorry you lost your little Jacob.

Whatevertheweather · 22/11/2011 11:03

Does anyone else feel totally and utterly consumed with jealousy that all the people you were pregnant with will have their snuggly newborns now? I'm not a jealous person, I've always been happy with what I've had in life. But now I feel like it's eating me up EnvySad

Bluetinkerbell · 22/11/2011 11:10

tallulah so sorry you had to come over here. I was also on the November thread. We lost our little girl at 20 weeks back in June. I can't believe it's been that long already.

wtw I still follow all the ladies on the November thread and congratulate them, and I am truly happy for them, but on the other hand yes I would like my snuggly newborn now please...

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