'The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears' - bereaved parents thread.

[DawnOfTheDeementedDead]

'PLEASE SAY THEIR NAMES'

The time of concern is over. No longer are we asked how we're doing. Never are the names of our children mentioned to us. A curtain descends. The moment has passed. Life's slip from frequent recall. There are exceptions: close and compassionate friends, sensitive and loving family. Still look. Still ask. Still listen. Thank God for them. For most, the drama is over. The spotlight is off. Applause is silent.

But for us the play will never end. The effects on us are timeless. What can be said, you ask? Please say "their names" to us. Love does not die. Their names are written on our lives. You may feel that they are dead. We feel that they are of the dead and still they live. They ghost-walk our souls, beckoning in future welcome. You say, "They were our children"; we say "They are". Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again. It hurts to bury their memory in silence. What they were in flesh is no longer with us. What they are in spirit stays within us always. They were of our past but they are part of our now. They are our hope for the future. Please understand we cannot forget. We would not if we could.

We know that you cannot know, yesterday we were like you. Understand that we dwell in both flesh and spirit. We do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent is steep and the burden heavy. We walk it not by choice. We would rather walk it with them in the flesh, looking not to spirit worlds beyond. We are what we have to be. What we have lost, you cannot feel. What we have gained you may not see. Please say " their names" for they are alive. We will meet them again, although in many ways we've never parted. Their spirits play light songs, appear in sunrises and sunsets. They are real and shadow, they were and they are.

Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again.
They are our children and we love them as we always did.
More each day.

'PLEASE, SAY THEIR NAMES'

In memory of my darling forever-baby Ciaran. I loved you from the moment i saw those two pink lines, and i'll love you til i draw my last breath as a wizened old woman of 103. You taught me what it was to truly love, and although you could only stay such a short time, you made me a better person and my world a better place. I'm so glad to have known you.

Hope you feel lots better very soon, Shabbs x

Hope you feel better soon Shabs - sends flowers, chocolates and lots of love - sounds like YOU need looking after today xx

Welcome Miaalexandrasmummy I am so sorry you have lost your precious little girl. I echo what everyone else has said you don't need to do or say anything, we all understand. You can only take one day at a time and deal with that. You have had the worst shock anyone can possibly have and it is so recent. Take all the support you can, let your family care for you. xxx

Yes, like everyone, not glad to be here, but grateful I have found you all. I really wonder if I can get through this. After all, nothing prepares you for the loss of a precious, loved little child. It's not right.

Do any of you experience utter disbelief at your situation? Disbelief, then 'how / why' questions, then omg, it is true... It's a horrible nightmarish cycle. Seemingly, no way to break it - mainly because acceptance is so difficult.

Mia - its almost 30 years since one of my twin baby boys died. He had severe heart problems and did so well to make it to almost 8 months old, and its almost 20 years since my DS3 (aged 7 years) was knocked down and killed by a reversing lorry. Im very lucky that I still have DS1 (twin boy) and my lovely suprise DS4.

In those early days I had to remind myself to walk....I used to concentrate on my feet and say in my head 'left, right, left, right' I was consumed with the sadness of it all and many times I wanted to run away.

Somehow, I find myself many years down the line. Older grief does bite my bum very hard from time to time and the longing to see my sons again is overwhelming sometimes.

The saying that I hate the most 'time heals' is also the most true. I dont think I am 'getting there' or 'over it' - I dont think that either of those are true. I am learning to live with it. xxxx

Shabba I admire you. A double loss, yet you are willing to help me and others. If nothing else, I am continually amazed and touched by how many wonderful people there are, just like you, in this crappy world.

Aww Shabs hope you feel better soon. Lots of hot drinks and sofa time

Glad you found us Miasmummy xx

Had a huge shouty row with dp this morning He's been sniping and nit picking at me for a few weeks and I've just been letting it slide as I know it's a reaction to his grief. But this morning he started moaning that I'd done this that and the other wrong and I'd been up half the night with K and just exploded and really really shouted. He stormed out to work and now I feel like shit

oooh whatever :( send him a text? I know how difficult it can be... (hugs)

Mias I know exactly what you mean about the shock and disbelief. I will be going back to work in February after maternity leave ( maternity leave with no baby really sucks!) I know some clients will remember that I was pregnant and will ask about the baby. They will be particularly interested as many know that I have four boys. So I have practised saying " I had a little girl but she died"
And then I think "Wtf, she died? She actually died? How could that have happened?" And I do keep hoping that it isn't actually true but it always is.

Whatever you poor thing! It's awful when you have a row first thing as you can't hug and make up while he's at work.

Have sent a text Blue just said I'm sorry I shouted and i know i shouldn't have but that I wish he'd talk to me about how he's feeling rather than shouting at me because the cupboards a mess or he can't find a particular coat.

I feel guilty that he's a work all day and I'm at home but I just can't summon up the energy or inclination to do the million and one jobs that I ought to. The house is clean and tidy, shopping is done and dinners/packed lunches are always made. Christmas shopping is all but done. But I feel like I should tackle the bigger stuff like sorting out the shed, going through the wardrobes and doing a deep clean etc whilst I'm at home and K is at school. Will be back to work f/t in January so I really should get on with it.

Chip I could have written your post. I've been practising too - I have a portfolio of clients who all knew I was pregnant. I'm tempted to send out an email to them all telling them beforehand. I don't want to risk crying when I should be doing quite a serious job. I have times now when I struggle to believe it actually happened to the point that for a few moments my brain actually thinks I've made it all up and I was never pregnant.

Whatever I think it's a good idea composing an email and getting someone who you trust at work to send it out. Much easier when it will already be tough. I have tried to tell people as widely as I can about Mia, so I am not blindsided by questions when I start up again. Although I was caught last week by a lovely ex-colleague who is in the US, and wanted to meet up here last week - her first line was "How's motherhood going?" Such an innocent well meaning, natural question. How do you say that it was the most wonderful experience in the world and I can't understand why things have changed...

There is always one though! I met a client in the butcher's the other day. She said "Oh, you were expecting your fifth child!" really brightly. And then, I think she felt awful when I told her. But it wasn't her fault, who in the world expects that to happen?

oh God the 'I had a little girl but she died'

I'm beginning to lose count of how often I've said that since I was preg again/with Xander out and about. God how I dread the 'is this your first baby' question. 17 months and I still don't know how to say my daughter died in the best way for me.

tesco is my upset of the day. I cancelled all the baby mail after she died, why do bits keep coming through. my should be toddler isnt here for christmas, so no I don't need your christmas toddler aimed magazine tesco.

I miss Belle. X should have a big sister.

so sorry you had to join us mia

17 months today. how has it taken me all day to realise its the 21st? :( now I feel guilty.

Caz, you have a new baby! You're lucky if you know what day of the week it is and your top is not inside-out!

I kept getting mail from Amazon about the Pink Fizz Petite Star Zia pushchair I was going to get for Sylvie-Rose. They seem to have stopped the baby mail now and are telling me all about garden ornaments ( have been looking for things for her grave) and books on spirituality.

Another hard question I get " so how are you? " What do you think??? Then I have to berate myself, because I realise that actually, no-one expects me to be happy/ ok/ dealing with the loss of Mia, but instead they are acknowledging her with that simple normal human interaction.

I know, Mias, I always find that question hard but then, I suppose, what most people mean is are you feeling "very crap" or "abysmally crap". Many people who say it to me, also end up saying, "Sorry, I know that's a stupid question"

Ah babymail. I still keep getting NCT mail can't seem to stop it!

Hi Mia its soo sad every time a new mum has to join us .. it happens far too often
My little boy was stillborn almost 7 years ago ... actually no my younger son is nearly 7 so it must be nearly 8 years ago.. I cant believe that and yes it does get easier to accept

but we have all been exactly where you are ... the disbelief the inability to function day to day the anger, the what ifs, the questions the constant tears

take it easy, dont try to look too far ahead .. try to get through an hour at a time and do what ever feels right at the time

get better soon shabs

I had to walk out of a Christmas shop today after I saw pink and blue baby stockings hanging up with "Baby's First Christmas" on them.

how are you .... i had 3 stock answers

some days yeah i'm fine thanks
some days ..crap but hey what can you do
and some days when really pissed off.. do you really want to know or are you just making chit chat.... that really seemed to upset people

I often just shrug and smile sadly.

aww chip.. I remember the year we lost Fraser mastercard was running an advert ...
christmas with your first grandchild priceless .. for everything else their mastercard...I kept having to change channel
Christmas is hard for us all but the first one is the worst .. my heart goes out to all of you facing christmas for the first time without your beloved child

chip I cried too at the Christmas stockings in Homebase...And in M&S the other day where Mia and I bought my DH's birthday present.