'The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears' - bereaved parents thread.

[DawnOfTheDeementedDead]

'PLEASE SAY THEIR NAMES'

The time of concern is over. No longer are we asked how we're doing. Never are the names of our children mentioned to us. A curtain descends. The moment has passed. Life's slip from frequent recall. There are exceptions: close and compassionate friends, sensitive and loving family. Still look. Still ask. Still listen. Thank God for them. For most, the drama is over. The spotlight is off. Applause is silent.

But for us the play will never end. The effects on us are timeless. What can be said, you ask? Please say "their names" to us. Love does not die. Their names are written on our lives. You may feel that they are dead. We feel that they are of the dead and still they live. They ghost-walk our souls, beckoning in future welcome. You say, "They were our children"; we say "They are". Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again. It hurts to bury their memory in silence. What they were in flesh is no longer with us. What they are in spirit stays within us always. They were of our past but they are part of our now. They are our hope for the future. Please understand we cannot forget. We would not if we could.

We know that you cannot know, yesterday we were like you. Understand that we dwell in both flesh and spirit. We do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent is steep and the burden heavy. We walk it not by choice. We would rather walk it with them in the flesh, looking not to spirit worlds beyond. We are what we have to be. What we have lost, you cannot feel. What we have gained you may not see. Please say " their names" for they are alive. We will meet them again, although in many ways we've never parted. Their spirits play light songs, appear in sunrises and sunsets. They are real and shadow, they were and they are.

Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again.
They are our children and we love them as we always did.
More each day.

'PLEASE, SAY THEIR NAMES'

In memory of my darling forever-baby Ciaran. I loved you from the moment i saw those two pink lines, and i'll love you til i draw my last breath as a wizened old woman of 103. You taught me what it was to truly love, and although you could only stay such a short time, you made me a better person and my world a better place. I'm so glad to have known you.

My parents had opened two 'baby accounts' for the twins at TSB. We went to transfer Gareths money into Dannys account. They each had about £20 in these little savings accounts. I had to show Gareths birth and death certificate to the knob woman at the bank and she too got her red biro and put lines across Gareths bank book.

I am going to have a look on my Dans clinic card and find out that GP's name. Then I will search for her. If I do find her - and that could be difficult as this was almost 30 years ago - I will tell her how she made me feel and IF she is dead I will find her grave and go to see it armed with a red biro!!!

The majority of people were wonderful but there are always some people who dont get it.....

Evening. Will read and catch up later. Been at a&e today with dd1 after her school called, looks like she's probably broken her thumb again. She was x-rayed but they're not sure so she's got a fracture clinic appointment for tomorrow morning and a second opinion. She's in some pain which isn't good but able to have more pain killers in about an hour.

Hugs to all, will be back later :)

Right, back with tea and am putting some food on soon.

blue I'm glad one of your friends remembered, it makes all the different doesn't it? Sometimes the little gestures are the ones that really hit you :)

Whatever Poor K, hope she's feeling better now. Must be hard explaining it all to different people all the time :(

FM thanks, I was quite surprised by how upset she was but I think it must be the pregnancy bringing things up for her plus it being another girl. I'll keep an eye and talk to her a lot. We're all very open which is good so I don't think she has trouble talking about things at leats.

shabs oh that's awful news about your friends' son, I'm so sorry to hear that :( how are you now? xx What a horrible gp and the person from the bank, people are so bloody insensitive and rude.

chip ooh there are a few people I'd LOVE to come back and haunt I've never had bereavement counselling but dh had been seeing someone for a while now and it's really helped him. I can see a big difference, particularly on the days that he goes. He's seen once a week, supposedly for an hour but he's always in the for 2.

azira Missed the good luck yesterday but hope it went well!

Today, there was a news story about a local woman working as a prostitute. One of her clients complained that she was older than he wanted so she arranged for her 15 year old daughter to meet him.

I don't get it. Why does she get to have a 15 year old daughter and ruin that child's life? And why don't I get to keep my daughter? Jeez, I'm not a perfect mother but I'm a helluva lot better than that!

Well said Dee. Only person who talks about Allan apart from me is DD. Horrified when she said last week she wants to die so she can cuddle him. Giving her much TLC which seems to be helping.
Think it's all so fresh as Christmas is looming and he died on Christmas Eve. Not sure what to do to 'mark' it. Christmas as usual for all, except we want to be enjoying a beautiful bouncy year old little boy and we're not. It's painful.

Oh, goodness, Karen, that must have been hard for you to hear from your dd! Probably best to remind her that she and you also need to be able to cuddle each other. My own ds4 is being particularly huggy and lovable to me since Sylvie-Rose died and I am so thankful to have my boys.

Morning girls xx

Hi everyone. I feel really behind with the thread, sorry I'm not here so much at the moment.

Things are well here; X is very settled in and I feel so very blessed. Its all so mixed up though isn't it.

Had an awful dream last night, some alternative universe where Belle was alive but Xander was dead but they were there together. I wish her back every day but never at the expense of my boy. The dream has put me in a very out of sorts place today; I could feel her last night, it was her I was holding in that dream and she was alive. She felt different to holding X alive even in the dream. But at the same time something felt very odd and uncomfortable. They were both them in the dream but not quite themselves either iyswim. Heads a bit messed up today. I've blogged about it.

chip I started having bereavement counselling 3 months after Belle died, and stopped going shortly before her 1st birthday in June, so went for about 9 months once a week. I didn't even mean to stop going when I did, I was ill one week and cancelled an appointment and never rebooked another one - I'm not sure why, I just didn't want to go anymore I guess. I found some sessions really helpful, others not so helpful. I think its one of those things you have to try and see if it works for you. I know I couldn't have gone before 3 months - I was offered appointments before then but I wasn't ready, life was one big blur and living in shock. I don't even really remember anything in the first 3 months after Belle died, tiny bits here and there but mainly its all hazy. It was when that bubble burst I felt I needed something, anything to try and help me.

Blogging has been one of the best things for me personally. It really helps me when I can process whatever I'm feeling and 'let it out' onto the keyboard.

whatever I'm a teacher, I went back to work after 4 months on a very slow phased return over half a term and started my full 3 days a week after the christmas holidays. So it was 6 months after her death before I was back doing my full contract. Looking back, I think I went back too soon and it wasn't until probably after February half term (2011!) I felt remotely with it in work and struggled a lot with keeping up with paperwork etc. and then I was pregnant again and that threw in a whole new loads of stuff. Be kind to yourself and do things as slowly as you are able to.

Oh, Caz, what a disturbing dream! Things like that can really throw you out of kilter. Could it be that you were thinking "If Anabelle had lived, then I wouldn't have Xander" and then the dream confused your thoughts as dreams do?

Hi everyone,

shabs how bloody awful, you should find the gp and write twat on her head

Karen your poor dd she must be missing him, ds2 keeps asking if Jacob will have toys to play with in heaven

chip it doesn't seem fare does it, I find myself thinking why when i hear such terrible things, I used to work with drug snd alcohol addicts and keep thinking how can they be doing that when pregnant and have healthy babies when I havent got Jacob anymore, then I feel like a horrible shit person for thinking that way.

I think dp is realy worried about me, it's been a realy bad week and I just don't seem to be able to pick myself up and move out of the fog. I just feel such guilt and it's eating me up, I just don't feel like I can talk to dp about it and I don't understand why, I've always been able to tell him everything

Afternoon. Ended up back at a&e last night and didn't get home until about 12.30, so knackered today now. Then back to the fracture clinic this morning, dd1 has a hairline fracture; so not too bad but has a support and finger tube things on to help. Hopefully it won't take too long to heal. She went back to school for the afternoon but did have lots of painkillers first as she was feeling it more when they started wearing off last night.

I cannot believe the things that have happened to us this year! It's honestly been the worst year of my life.

Cheese, this was both the best and worst year of my life. The best when I had dd and then the worst when I lost her.

I went for my 6 week check up today ( 6 weeks late!) My obs was lovely, said how sorry he was about Sylvie-Rose and that all the paediatricians in the hospital were so upset about her as she had been doing so well.

I also got a message from the discharge nurse at the hospital where she was born and she said to call her back if I wanted to chat. The thing is, that very nurse actually upset me while I was in there so if I call anyone back it won't be her. I really don't want to set foot in that hospital ever again but may have to if I want questions answered about Sylvie-Rose. The social worker from the children's hospital where we said good-bye to her said she would accompany me if needs be.

My Mum also phoned to say that my friend's Dad is very ill and may not make it. ( this is my dhac friend!) I am a bit upset about that too as he was a good friend of my own Dad who died 9 years ago and I lived with the family for my final year of school when my own family moved so got to know them very well.

Also very worried about my cousin's little boy who has been ill since birth but has fought for 6 years and is still here. He is very ill in hospital at the moment and my cousin has not updated her FB status which is unlike her.

Never rains but it pours!

Morning girls xx

Morning ladies xx

Morning all. Grey and drizzly here today xx

horrible here today too, Whatever

we've had this grey drizzly silly weather for a few days already... I've just been keeping the curtains shut so I don't have to see it

I had an interesting conversation with DD yesterday. She asked if she could have another baby, one that she could play with and help change nappies and help feed. So I promised her that yes one day she will have another baby but that it might take a while because it needs to grow in me first She talks about Sterre all the time and will always remember her. But she will be such a good big sister for a baby to keep in our arms. She is excellent with little ones. :)

Yesterday as well DD noticed my poppy on my coat and she said oh Mummy you're wearing a poppy. So I asked her if she knew why people wear them. She looked at me and said yes, to remember the people who died, like Sterre. She is so clever :) makes me very proud. I did explain that it was mostly to remember people who died in wars, but think concept of war is a bit difficult to understand, so said people who fight.

Hi everyone , I m sorry I am not keeping up with everyone atm , I was wondering if anyone else has found today particularly hard ? I have seen more day time tv than usual and listened to more radio than I normally would and all the armistice stuff has really got to me this year .

I don't remember it getting to me this much before but all the talk of "losing sons" has tipped me over the edge today .

"Blue" I was watching TV last night and that Pampers ad came on, with all the cuddly newborns and ds4 said "I wish we had Sylvie-Rose" I could only say I wished we had her too!

Travelling > we don't have Armistice day in Ireland ( we are neutral which means we just fight amongst ourselves!) but I think any event where we are remembering the dead is particularly hard for bereaved parents.

My friend's father passed away last night. He was such a lovely man.

I know its wrong but during the 2 min silence I always think of Fraser and have a little sniffle. Up till this year we had soldier next door so ross gets the afghanistan, rememberance thing quite well..I just mean they moved by the way not that he was killed

I do IT support for the uk...we have other european teams in our office for the first time this year and it was really odd cos apparently germany dont like to remember. So the uk dutch,and belgian teams all went quiet and the german guys just carried on... very strange.

i hate that bloody pampers advert i blub every time the damn thing comes on

Hi everyone xx

I arrived at work at about 11.45 (I am a receptionist in a leisure centre) after about 7mins they started countdown to 2 mins silence at 11.00 In my bereaved mother's head I started countdown to meltdown/ 11.00 arrived - 2 mins silence, during which I could not think of anyone but my Richard, who is dead, taken too soon, not taken on a battlefield but taken from us , should I have been thinking of our beloved Richard at that national moment of rememberance. Then later my husband and I were chatting about it and he said when they had the 2 mins silence at his work all he could think of was Richard, are we wrong or is it all about rememberace ?

Morning girls xx

Hi all!

Chip sorry to hear about your friends father

Blue our elder dd's sound so similar. K keeps talking about us having another baby too. They both are already fab big sisters but it would be amazing for them to get to do it 'properky'.

It's a very contentious issue in our house at the moment as I really want to try again soon and dp is not sure he can do it again. Lots of arguments about it. Unfortunately it's one thing you can't compromise on; you either do or you don't there's no middle ground

Travelling FM and Lavandes - hope you're all having a more gentle day today. I come from a very military family (am an army brat!) and dbro is still serving so remembrance day always touches a nerve with me too xx

Hope everyone is having a good weekend x

wtw I know! :) sorry you're having arguments with DP about ttc... we started trying again after my first period, haven't been successful yet as trying to figure when I ov in these long cycles (average 41 days) I hope you will be able to decide what you both want to do and that you can agree with the decisions made.
However I know that when trying again and I will be pregnant again, it won't be easy...